Hopeful59's Journal

[Hopeful59]

I guess it's time to start a journal, more for my sake than for any other reason. It's been about two months since I caught on to my DH's p-use. He says he has quit. I hope so. I hope this story will have a happy ending. But at times I get that gut feeling that he's struggling with temptation and I wonder how things will pan out.

I guess there had been signs for years that I dismissed, and any questions I asked along those lines were met with denials. Silly me. I trusted my husband. My husband would never do that! Seems very stupid of me in retrospect.

How did it start? I'll probably never know. I do know that after we were married I found some magazines in the bottom of a closet. DH denied knowledge of them (a lie of course) and I threw them out. As far as I know, he was not involved with Internet activities at that time. But at some point, he started looking. (When asked, DH told me he started following pop up ads from on line gaming sites and MySpace.)

During the past six months or so, DH had been spending way too much time on the computer and no time at all with me. He seemed obsessed with an online game, but even when not playing that he was on the computer constantly. At times I would wake up at 1:00 a.m. or later and he would still be on the computer and something just felt very, very wrong to me. One evening a woman who was also playing the game called him on his cell phone. It was probably innocent, but inappropriate IMO and I admit I freaked out. IMO it's just inappropriate for a married man to be giving out his cell phone number to women he meets on line. Again, I got that feeling that something was very wrong, but DH denied there was anything inappropriate and he pretty much dismissed my suspicions. Yet, during this time, DH had little interest in me. He was distant emotionally and physically. Months went by with him not so much as holding my hand. I wondered if at his age (50+) he had lost interest in s*x. Certainly the rare occasions when we connected were all about him and took all of about two minutes (now I know that in his mind I probably wasn’t even there. He was likely engaged in some perverted fantasy.) Every evening I would sit in front of the TV alone, go to bed alone, and often even eat dinner alone, because DH spent all his time on the computer.

And, there were other signs. Once I got on the computer, hit the back arrow and an adult dating website popped up. DH denied any knowledge of it. I knew that "friends" sent him p-pictures, but he always feigned disgust and, in my presence, would quickly delete them. Other times I would see things in the history that made me wonder though. I remember one particular entry with a cutesy name that I asked DH about. "I don't have any idea what that is," he insisted. That was a lie of course. And, yes, it was a p-site. Then one evening DH asked me to get on the computer to type a short letter for him. In the process I found a file he had set up, titled with a crude name for a female body part. I opened it up – you guessed it. Lots of raunchy pics. Fear raced thorough me as I wondered what it meant. But, I deleted the file and said nothing. A few days later, that nagging feeling that something was wrong had still not relented. I got on the computer, accessed the web history and found searches for p-sites. Eventually I was able to track the history back several years which confirmed that this was not just an occasional event. My DH had been doing this for years, deliberately, repetitively, frequently. I was devastated to find out that his favorite site is so raunchy that it's practically criminal – not just pretty pics, but depraved, horrible stuff.

Naturally, I went pretty crazy. I told DH what I had found and at first he denied it. Then he admitted, "yes I looked at some things I shouldn't have" as if it were a one time event. The next morning I went to work a bit crazed and typed an email to DH outlining everything I knew, stating that I saw it as adultery and ending with "it's clear I have no future with you." That evening the confrontation was pretty intense. He bawled - sad because he was caught and his marriage was on the line or sad because he was sorry he had done those things? I don't know, and I felt very little sympathy. He asked me "how did we get here?" We???? I still resent that he wants to blame this on me!

What did I feel?? - betrayal, heartbreak, anger, jealously, disgust... all kinds of things. It's terrible to find out that the person you are married to is not the person you thought he was, that all along he had been lying, cheating, sneaking around and leading a double life. He swears that it was only looking - no meetings in chat rooms or anything else. But, my gut feeling is that he was at least contemplating other things and I think if someone had offered s*x (and he thought he could get away with it), he would have gone for it. Or, maybe he thought we would engage in group activities or perhaps he was considering hookers or discreet encounters with women on adult dating sites. I don't know. I do know that that's how depraved that junk makes you over time. Anything goes – and, the nastier, the better.

Over the next several weeks, I spent all my free time researching his on-line activities. We had another heated discussion when I found out he had multiple MySpace pages (at least one of which listed him as "single") and I also questioned why his FaceBook did not acknowledge that he is married. DH had lots of MySpace "gaming friends," many of whom were young girls with pictures of them suggestively posed or scantily clad. A few of his "friends" I believe were nothing more than on line hookers or links to p-sites. DH agreed to delete the accounts – should I have even had to ask? It still bothers me that he did not view this behavior as inappropriate for a married man and that he has no understanding of appropriate boundaries. I also know he has about five email accounts (perhaps more), several of which receive lots of p-related emails. I also found out he had been viewing lots of adult videos on YouTube. Don't you just love the Internet?

At this point, I'm not sure I know everything and the mistrust continues. He has lied to me so many times that I don't believe much of what he says. That might be what hurts the most – the look-you-in-the-face lies, over and over again. DH wants to just forget it and act like it never happened - doesn't seem to get the damage this has inflicted on me. I've had to go to ridiculous lengths to try and put a stop to his p-use at home. I installed a key logger program on his computer (records every character he types, everything he looks at, every website he visits) and a porn blocker. I set up my laptop and the kid's computer with passwords so that he does not have access. I've searched his personal effects and his vehicle, repeatedly. I hate it.

DH swears he has quit, but it's obvious to me that he's got an addiction problem because he let it slip that he thought about it all the time. I've demanded that it all cease and he knows what he's risking if it continues. But, addicts only care about getting their fix; they don't care who they hurt. So, he may lie to me if he thinks he can get away with it. I've told him I have no intention of looking the other way and ignoring this and if it continues, I'm gone. And, I'm serious about that.

I've been reading lots of books on the subject and they all say it's his addiction, has nothing to do with you or your s*x life. That's partially helpful, but it still hurts. I am having a hard time getting over my feelings of betrayal, a hard time knowing that our relationship is not based on openness and honestly. And, the idea of dealing with this for the rest of our life together makes me cringe. I feel like the in-house p-police and I'm sick of it already. And the trust issues - that may go on forever.

[Charly22]

I wish I could reply with some huge, certain, for sure will work piece of advice. You are in the middle of an ugly pit, like the rest of us here. I can tell you, that you are doing a great thing for you soul and sanity, by coming here, and sharing and reviewing and learning. Thank god we can come together here.

I recognize every last detail of every single feeling you are dealing with. I have allowed myself to let this turn me into an unhealthy dysfunctional mess.

It is NOT about you.

But only you can take control of how it's going to affect you.

Glad you are here....

[JenMac]

I echo what Charly said!

Hi Hopeful59!

Well written first journal entry! You said everything so clearly!
We can all relate to everything you have written. I think you guys must be in our age group as well. There are a few here that are in our 50s. It is a very hurtful thing at any time of life but for me, I thought our life was going along really well. Our kids were grown and we had only to be concerned with each other. I felt like my H was not only my H but my best friend as well. It was very hurtful to discover this in our lives.
You have only known for 2 months, it is still very early in your recovery process, as well as his. He may not be understanding everything about this addiction as of yet. He may not even believe it to be the huge problem that it is yet. It took time for us to work through it all.
TTF has been a Godsend to my H and I. I have learned so much from being here and so has my H. We have also read a lot and sought out other information on the industry itself. Some of those things were turning points in my H's thinking. We also both attended counselling for a little while.
I think it was at least 5-6 months before I could see a turning point, where I felt that I was going to make it after all.
Through all of this, my H has been learning and as he has learned he has become very supportive of my healing as well as working on his own. I know in the beginning he felt very bad and he was very concerned about me and how I felt. He was working hard to try to save our marriage but as time went on he came to a much clearer understanding of how this truly affected himself, me and our relationship. Since being part of TTF, he can see that I am not alone in the suffering I have experienced because of this. That helps both him and I.
You speak of feeling naive. I certainly felt that same way as I am sure many others did too. I guess there is such a thing as too trusting. I often tell my H, I never expected to be here dealing with this. I had no understanding of how to deal with this but you know we have found our way to this point and it is still a work in progress but we are stronger, closer than we have ever been at this point I believe.
I am sorry you have to be here Hopeful59 but I am glad that you found you way here! I know you will gain lots by being here! It does help to know that you are not alone!
Wishing you all the best! May you find comfort here! Don't be afraid to ask for what you need both here and from your H!
Take care of you first!
Jenn

[Hopeful59]

Charly22 and JenMac:

Thanks. I am still reeling from the shock of finding out. I honestly believed my husband was not like that. How silly - I thought I had one of the good ones. I should have known better as he has struggled with other addictions over the years. Still, I thought he was the faithful, moral type. It was so sickening to find out otherwise. And, I really do believe he was on the verge of taking things to the next level. So, in that respect I'm glad I found out.

But, the damage is done. Elements of respect and trust have taken a severe hit that will take years to repair - and that's if he stays clean. Things are better than they were at first, but I'm still on a day-to-day basis and still wondering if there are things I don't know. And, it is rather unsettling to find out so many other women are struggling with the same horror.

[Hopeful]

Hi Hopeful59,

It saddened me to read your post. It is so hard sometimes to think we are going through this at this age. I agree with everything Jenn & Charly said and the only advice I can give you is to come here and post. It is amazing how just getting it out of your mind and heart and into written words can help you start to make sense of yourself and your life.

I am also glad you found this site, it can be a lifesaver at times.

[Kathy]

Welcome Hopeful59...TTF has been a godsend for my 'h' and myself. I trust you will find in time the same!

As I was reading your post, my head was nodding up and down and quiet hummmmms where the sounds from my mouth...

I went crazy when I discovered my 'h' p use...it made me sick! But it's been now nearly 15 weeks of him being 'p' free and with work and commitment to each other, our relationship/marriage to each other is the best it's been in 'years'...(feel free to read our journals - Kathy and Chasman62)...I hope your husband has been introduced to TTF and maybe he'll realize what hurt he has done not only to himself but to you!!! Things will then change for you...

Take care and welcome to the '50's stunning women' club!!! And the other SO's that are younger or older than us are stunning too!!!
There are alot of great SO's here that will be here for you whenever you need to rant or need a giggle/smile!

Take Care,
Kathy

[Hopeful59]

I sent my H a link to this site, but he is not interested. He's still in denial that he has a problem. At this point, he seems to be controlling things pretty well, but I do know it's still a struggle - not that he relays that info to me. Every time I ask, he tells me he is doing fine.

But, this morning I woke up feeling depressed (probably because he was rather snippy last night). So, this morning I accessed the keylogger just to see if he was contemplating something. There wasn't much to see except that about a week ago he had opened an email from a p-site. He didn't click on the link and view any porn, but just knowing that he actually opened the email tells me that it's still on his mind. I've gotten into the habit of accessing his various email accounts and deleting these items. I don't know if that's a good thing for me to be doing or not, but we're early in the recovery stage. My trust level is still very low and he isn't helping matters any when he tells me half-truths or out and out lies about other things.

Honestly, I'm still wondering if I'm going to find myself divorced at some point. I find myself thinking about where I would live, etc. I know I would survive, but I'd be much happier if my H would kick his bad habits so be could stay together.

[Hopeful]

Hopeful59,

This sounds so similar to my situation in the beginning, 8 months ago. I also sent him the links and he wouldn't come here either. So I would start copying some of the posts from the PA's that would stand out to me and email them to him. He would read them only in emails. So if you start out slowly this way, maybe he will start to want to come here.
Here is the link for the survey if you haven't seen it yet. I know it's hard for them to admit this at first and want to change.
The online support community for pornography addiction

I also would check his emails and delete the inappropriate ones at first. Then one day I realized that he actually had to do that himself for himself. I would still check his email everyday to see what was there and if he deleted them. They eventually stopped coming. It's a vicious circle but you have to do all of this "checking" to keep your sanity as strange as that sounds.

It is hard to believe them when they say "they're doing fine". How can they be? It's not like turning off a switch. It seems that the only way to start believing them again is through communication which is so hard at first but gets easier the more you talk.

I hope you have a better day today.

[Hopeful59]

Woke up depressed (again). How I wish all of this hadn't happened! Is it too much to ask to want a p-free marriage, to have a faithful spouse? No, it isn't.

Anyway just felt I had to do some checking this morning. I hate it, but when I find nothing I'm always relieved. I'd always wondered if H had spent money on this junk. He said no; I wasn't sure. So I checked the bank records for any suspicious monthly membership fees and found nothing. So, I feel slightly better knowing the answer to that. But, there are still some honesty issues that persist. I wish my H would not feed me half-truths or omit things. Yet, he still does.

And, am I the only one who has come to hate electronic devices? I DO NOT want my H to ever have an I-phone. I shuddered yesterday when I saw a commercial for some new Google service that looked like it would allow you to access things through your TV. Oh, great.

IMO our world has become a pretty sick place. That junk doesn't tempt me and I'm still trying to understand why my H would want to hang out at websites that brag of some of the most depraved disgusting behavior you've ever heard of. Why does he LIKE that crap? Honestly, this whole experience has left me with an altered view of men in general and not in a good way.

Time to get dressed and do my Saturday chores/errands.

[JenMac]

Hi H59!
Sorry you woke feeling down again today! It seems that is what happens for quite a long time after we have discovered this intrusion in our lives. Seems though that you feel able to find the energy to carry on with everyday expectations and I must say that is encouraging.
I can relate to your changed view of men, I think a lot here probably can. It is sad really! The places this industry is taking men is frightening for sure and the industry would say that without the customers it wouldn't be where it is today. So how do you wrap your mind around that? Gail Dines said it best I think when she said that the sx hides the violence. I can't understand it myself but it seems it must be true to some extent. Why else would so many of our men be so caught up in it all? She also said that 'we believe in men's goodness despite all the evidence'. I am afraid that men are being led to dark places and they don't recognize the danger of it all until it is too late. It is the sx that they are chasing after, which is a natural desire and in its' right place is a wonderful thing. Men of years gone by did not have the availability of this, they did not need this. Men of today have convinced themselves that they do need this, that it is a natural thing and that all men do this. Well in the end the need for it is coming true because of the addictive nature of it all. Quite an irony really, isn't it?
Our world can be a frightening place and this certainly adds volumes to that!
Hope you accomplished all you set out to H59 and that your day was great!
Jenn