Six Million Dollar Woman

[Suzaku]

Week four of counseling has come and gone.

After the initial consultation with the marriage counselor (during which I sat and cried and my husband only admitted to him as being there for "communication problems"), I said I would be more comfortable seeing him seperately and working towards a shared session. I have no idea what my husband has been through, but my sessions so far are eye-opening.

I have no self-esteem. I feel worthless, filthy, hopeless and anxious about everything. The things I used to enjoy have slowly been strangled to death by both my H and (not entirely suprisingly) my mother, who I've known has suffered from the same OCD/anxiety/depression that I have now for the past 12+ years. I have no friends beyond the "mutual" ones my H and my brother (closest thing to a best friend I have here) know from high school...my family moved here when I was halfway through high school, and before that, we moved when I was halfway through elementary school. I was always the new kid that was interesting for a while by vitrue of being "new". Never had enough time to make friendships that lasted, so my ability to form them (ESPECIALLY with other women) is stunted. In short, my counselor suggests I have no idea what a healthy, intimate relationship IS--of ANY kind.

I'm kicking myself. If I knew this before I agreed to marriage, I would've said no to it. It would certainly explain why I feel nothing now, besides maybe a lingering guilt for not returning my H's affections when he makes an effort to be nice now. Oh, I'm sure it's because of whatever he's getting from his counseling, and I'm even halfway certain he's genuine about it, but I can't do it. I don't even know how I feel.

We've never had much in common. His mother was 16 when he was born, his father never in the picture. He was raised by his grandparents in a barely-Catholic household, and grew up on Depression-era type cooking. When his mother finally married (another man) years later, it was in a Unitarian church, so he's never been spiritual or of a religion. Until our honeymoon, he'd never left the country--or the state. He's ready to laugh and hang out, but never says a word about himself or his feelings...I kept every single letter and card he's ever given me, just to read again and be reminded how he felt about me then, and feel some sort of self-worth.

I was born first of two children to a happily married Pentecostal (AG) couple. We moved several times during my childhood, but God was ever-present in our house. My dad was the family chef and collected recipes from fellow church members and neighbors of many different nationalities, and when I was older and had an opportunity to go overseas with a school group, I did. I've forced myself to become overly-talkative and honest about what I feel, because it's the most effective weapon I have against my disorder (outside of prayer). I'm not shy.

Actually, I'm extremely adventurous and naturally fearless. I've loved animals since I was a child, and encouraged to be kind to them whether domestic or wild, which my mother and H both pitch fits over. I'm not an idiot and won't handle them unless I'm dead certain there's no danger, but the way he acts, it's like I'm four and liable to hug the raccoons hunched over the trash bin. I wound up in the doctor's office two full weeks after catching and releasing a bat that'd got caught in our basement (still flying, not ill, I used a canvas bag and didn't touch it) because he'd gotten it into my head that I had rabies. And this is just one way his fears play into my natural predilection to obsess over things...it's destroying things I used to enjoy.

...I'm really starting to think I made a huge mistake in marriage. He was nice and safe. He provides for me. Was this just because I was afraid of being alone? Have I EVER felt anything close to love or intimacy with him at all? I can't remember.

To compound things, I'd started talking to a male friend online months ago regarding my problems. It hadn't started that way--it was originally a friendly, chatty relationship developed over a computer game. We shared a lot of similar interests and were both going through a rough time. I never intended to spill my guts online to a perfect stranger. I never do, unless you count a genunely "safe" forum like this one. But...he doesn't belittle the things I'm interested in, or care about. He bothers to ask how my side projects (I volunteer at cutural events locally and am trying to turn what I do for free into a home business) are going, how my day was. He's helped to decode what my H has really been thinking and feeling this entire time, and strangely enough, is probably the second biggest reason I didn't outright leave my H to begin with. He told me the guy needed a second chance, and deserved at least to be asked to consider counseling before I packed up. No matter what feelings--if any--there are on his side, he really wants to see my marriage work, and for me to be happy. He's a friend who happens to be male (again, not new, I can't be friends with other women for some as-yet unknown reason), and I've always made it a point to be 100% transparent about my interaction with him to my H. I OWE him that. I invite him to look at my chat window and tell him what we've been talking about. Ther are no secret emails, no cyber, no trading of photos (apart from a few of our pets). All this has done is made my H angry and insecure...and left me feeling punished for having a friend outside his little circle, punished for being honest. This...this is what I think he was trying to say drove him to overdose on sleeping pills. And that hurts.

I'm not under any delusions of dropping my H and running halfway across the country with this guy. I'm still pushing through counseling, even if at this point we're doing it seperately. It's focused more on rebuilding me into a fully-functional, adult human being and less on simply saving the marriage. Even if I were to make a total joke out of God's institution and leave him for another man (read: sarcasm)...even if I decide at the end of counseling that my H is not the man I thought I was marrying, literally, and we both agree we'd be better off apart...nothing changes the fact that I'm broken. Or that HE'S broken. Regardless of what happens to either of us, we NEED to be our own people. Whether we're able to develop this relationship into an actual, loving, intimate one...or we go through with divorce. Unless we're rebuilt now, this will keep happening to us.


--Suzaku

[JenMac]

Hi Suzuka!

'I'm still pushing through counseling, even if at this point we're doing it seperately. It's focused more on rebuilding me into a fully-functional, adult human being and less on simply saving the marriage. Even if I were to make a total joke out of God's institution and leave him for another man (read: sarcasm)...even if I decide at the end of counseling that my H is not the man I thought I was marrying, literally, and we both agree we'd be better off apart...nothing changes the fact that I'm broken. Or that HE'S broken. Regardless of what happens to either of us, we NEED to be our own people. Whether we're able to develop this relationship into an actual, loving, intimate one...or we go through with divorce. Unless we're rebuilt now, this will keep happening to us.'


I am so happy that you are seeking counselling and good for you to recognize that you need some time to understand yourself before working together with the counsellor. That was very wise!
Thank you for sharing your story with us!
I believe it is really good to be able to put on paper that which is important throughout this journey. It helps us to be able to organize and understand our thoughts. I have found it can also assist when we are feeling anxious or obsessive or depressed, just to have an outlet.
I am sorry you are feeling so absolutely low at this time but I think it is great that you have sought out help both with a counsellor and here at TTF. That is an encouraging sign!
Only you will be able to know if your relationship is the best for you and you will only know that after you have had time to sort yourself out a bit. I would encourage you to keep coming here, to keep reading about others stories and to post often. Getting feedback from others is very comforting.
I also find it helpful to start thinking about being grateful for the good things in my life, to help ease me out of my down moods. There are truly many things we can be grateful for, no matter how small or big. It is a way of changing your mindset and putting positive thoughts in to replace the negatives. This can have a very healing affect!
Wishing you all the best Suduka!
Jenn

[Suzaku]

Looking forward to tomorrow's counseling session. Well, not entirely. It's the first one I'll have had where the counselor asked for a specific topic of discussion. Namely, my failed past relationships.

Guys have never really liked me. I don't fit the image of traditional beauty. I'm "cute". But I do have brains and a very ready wit, tending towards nerd or geek-ism. The handful of ones that have liked me were under my radar until it was too late. Ironically, I liked the bad ones, and was constantly disappointed.

I was fortunate that nothing genuinely terrible happened to me besides a broken heart, even though years later I heard stories about a few of my former infatuations being involved in some pretty terrible things. I feel both ashamed and lucky.

When my H started coming around to see me at work, I had been without so much as a date in years. At first I didn't catch on that's what he wanted. But then when he started showing up with flowers, I was mortified.

See, he'd been my brother's best friend in high school. He had a steady girlfriend for years that he moved in with after graduating. It was pretty obvious they were physically involved--she wasn't shy about leaving underwear or porn laying around when company came over--and how I ever forgot about that, I will NEVER know. Point is, I was dragged along to their apartment to hang out and eventually knew the girlfriend pretty well. So well that one day, she confided in me that she was thinking of someone else at night. Apparently her relationship with him as she percieved it was rocky, because he wouldn't talk to her anymore, even about little things. She said she couldn't take it, and lo and behold, six weeks later, she left him for this other guy.

I didn't feel at all comfortable dating this guy for years after his initial attempts with the flowers and the showing up to where I worked. It just didn't feel right. My gut was saying he wasn't at all what I wanted, that he'd had such a long history with this other girl that it was plain weird to think of him that way...but somehow I eventually gave in. He was nice. He's still nice, but it's very evident now what she'd been trying to tell me back then--he doesn't communicate, period.

...the point to telling you all this, random nameless internet viewer, is to set up what happened a couple nights ago.

I had been housesitting this past week for my parents. Having a landline at their place, I thought I should give back my H's iPhone, in case something happened to him and he need to get a hold of me. Turns out he's been using it to hop on my mobile messenger account, as me, and send nasty things to one of my male friends. I came back from a movie one night to a very panicked text that wondered why all of a sudden, I hated him.

My H claims he's reliving the time his girlfriend left him. My talking to this other guy makes him scared and threatened and angry, so that totally makes defrauding him logical and fine.

...my mother found out about the episode after they got back, and placed the blame for it--and indeed, most ALL this mess--on my shoulders. I cried. A lot.

She doesn't get it. My H doesn't get it. His girlfriend had no provocation, no hurt done to her besides the non-communication. She didn't try counseling, didn't try consistently to sit down and talk WITH him rather than at him. She stopped caring for him even as a friend, and wouldn't talk to him until years after the fact, when she'd married the guy she left him for and put on a hundred pounds. I've done all that and more. And STILL nothing I do is good enough.

I've had it. I want out so badly. I'm tired of being harrassed about not sleeping in the bed, about being online talking to strangers instead of my H, about not wanting to patch things up with him immediately because that's what any good Christian wife would do and after all, haven't I heard about Whatshername's daughter who was married to the drug addict that went through things ten times worse than I have it now and STILL managed to salvage their relationship? It makes me want to kill myself, or at the very least dye my hair and live as an illegal in some foreign country nobody can spell the name of.

Honestly? I'm almost starting to wonder if I shouldn't just do what my mother and my H constantly accuse me of despite inviting them to join in or listen to our conversations, because there's nothing beyond friendly support going on here, and just run away with this other guy. It's what they expect. And he's a heck of a lot more like me than my H is.

Ah, well. I shouldn't say anything like that, but...I wouldn't be completely honest with myself or with you, gentle reader, if I didn't admit to thinking about it once or twice. Never seriously (for what I hope are obvious reasons).

I'll write more when I'm done with my session tomorrow.

--Suzaku

[Crisodian]

Suzuka,

I think it's logical and normal for those of us who have been wounded by PA, especially when we are being held to a different standard!, to want to lash out and hurt them as much as they have hurt us. Or worse, become them. Do what they are accusing us of.

Long before I met my H, I was involved in the online world. Very involved. And when I met my H, I walked away from all my friends, all my contacts, all my "old life". Sadly, he didn't walk away from his. Had I known that then, what I know now, I may not have walked away and severed the ties. Don't get me wrong. I am glad that I did. But, that's reality.

And when I discovered what he had been doing, what he had been viewing, for all the years we had been together, before and after we were married, it was very tempting to look up some of those old contacts. Very tempting. I'm very sure some of them are still very active in the online communities out there.

My thoughts were somewhere along the lines of "hey, if he can play, so can I". I stopped that thought process pretty quick because it would have made me a hypocrite, and in all honesty, I wanted the higher ground. Mean. But true.

And it was all in the past. Not the now.

The past is the past. He can not hold that over you. Don't let the therapist hold it over you either.

It's probably pretty safe to say we've all had failed relationships in the past. This is my second marriage. My ex is a sneaky, lying, cheating, abusive, manipulative, controlling jack wagon. He tried to poison me, and nearly succeeded in killing me, because he was too spineless to tell me he wanted a divorce, while he was cheating on me with a woman he worked with. Now, that is a failed relationship. :) And it had nothing to do with me.

My ex was also very paranoid and severed my ties with my family and friends. He kept me isolated so he could control me. He had my parents fooled too. There is nothing more frustrating. He had everyone fooled. He was a supreme Jekyll & Hyde. One of the best I have ever met, and hope to NEVER meet again.

A few thoughts for you from what you shared:

1. He should not be comparing you to the GF he lost. It doesn't matter what she did. It's what YOU do that counts. He has no right to behave like a child and lash out because he's jealous. That's his issue to deal with.

2. Dealing with parents when the spouse is well liked, and good at making it seem as if the marital problems are OURS, is hard. It takes time. And evidence. Just remember, no matter what, this isn't about you, or your choices, it's about him and his behavior. Don't take and shoulder the blame. Stand up for yourself and your beliefs. That is your right and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

3. Take the high road. Because in the end, if there is an end, you will be the one on sound moral ground. He will be the one floundering.

4. The past is the past. Failed relationships or no, it's gone. Can't be undone. He can't and shouldn't compare you to his past. It's unfair and uncalled for. You are you. You are not his Ex.

5. And above all else, take care of you. Do something nice for yourself whenever you can.

Find peace,
~C~

[Suzaku]

It's been along time since I was here last. In some ways, it's a good thing. Counseling seperately had really helped me--and at first, helped him too.

My deeply ingrained insecurities are being dealt with. I'm learning very slowly (but the evidence is there!) that I'm not an evil person. Quite the opposite. I'm starting to honestly like myself! I still can't make eye contact with anyone for more than a second because I don't think a whole lot of myself, but at least I don't think I'm hideously ugly, or automatically condemned to hell because I'm not knee-deep in mud and bitten by flies in the mission field. Not everyone is called. Not everyone can be the Honey-Nut Cheerios honeybee.

I almost have to thank my H for all this. I feel more alive and whole now after starting counseling and going back to Biblical basics than I can remember. But, I won't. I'm not THAT far along the maturity path.

The last couple months, we've been going to counseling as a couple rather than seperately. He'd progressed pretty well, I thought--complimenting me without reason, buying little things here and there he thought I'd like, taking me out, and most importantly talking more--so I thought, "What the heck. It'd save us an extra session fee a week. Maybe it's time."

Well, after a few of these joint sessions, I've realized he doesn't entirely tell the truth to the counselor...and I don't just mean the truth as I see it. I mean actual events and facts and such. And if he's not honest about the basics, what else isn't he talking about?

The same fear spreads to everyday life. Deadlines for bills he's been responsible for paying coming and going without alarm, only to find out later from a nice customer service person that we're months overdue. Talking about investing money into something he seemed to be on board with, only to hear, "Should I be worried that you're trying to get me to sign my name to more debt? What if you leave me?" when I try to get a 'yes' or 'no' out of him. Double sets of plans and twice as many groceries being bought because our interests and values are so far apart, on top of his inability to communicate with me.

After the latest session, on the ride home, I point blank asked him, "Are you happy with us?"

"Sometimes?" he replied uncertainly after a very, very long silence. "Why?"

"Because I'm not," I said in a neutral tone. Not angry, not disappointed. Just factual. Even though I felt a little sting at his answer.

Two weeks are almost by, and I tried asking him the same thing last night: "Are you happy with us? And if the answer is 'no' or 'sometimes'...what are we doing here?"

It took him a long time. "I thought we were being patient and trying to work through things?"

That's about the same as what I got out of my father the night before that. I told him I still wasn't happy, that I felt trapped, alone, like I was being forced to wait for an indeterminate period of time while my H grew into an adult, and felt because of our differences that I'd eventually be forced to give up a lot of what makes me, me.

And how is that part of God's plan? Self-inflicted lobotomy to save a marriage? Sure sounds like it according to most everything I've read so far. That's what Jesus would do--suffer quietly. Wives are bound till death and supposed to love unconditionally so long as things aren't abusive, or adultery is going on. And even THEN, they're not to divorce and certainly not remarry.

Woo, tangent.

My father did what he should've done. He reassured me I was doing the right thing by seeking counseling, that things were going to take time, and that he loved me no matter what. Then he distracted me with excited questions about the volunteer work I'm doing. After I hung up, I cried because I felt he hadn't listened. Now I'm 99% sure he did. He just knows how my brain works, and wanted me not to dwell on what makes me sad.

I do a good enough job of that myself. I keep thinking of what got me into this marriage to begin with, and I keep thinking it was low self-esteem. A fear of being alone driven by my age, my mental disorder, and history of forming unhealthy "relationships" (read: codependency) with guys that started as friends. I remember specifically standing at the altar and thinking, "Say yes. Everyone came here to hear you say it, everyone here loves you both, and more importantly, HE loves you."

But what if I'd married him not out of true love, but obligation or fear? If he married me because he was afraid to lose me, likewise afraid of being alone? Is there anything in this marriage to begin with?

We haven't had physical relations in months. I feel nothing towards him, physically or romantically. We're friendly--moreso on his end as he thinks nothing's really wrong--but I'm still somewhat resentful. Even so, I constantly try to be more open to him. I give him more precise answers and try to sound less like I'm ordering him around and more like I'm offering a helpful suggestion--regardless of whether he decides not to listen and screws up. I don't go out of my way to deny him time with me. I entertain his friends when he has them over. I'm still willing to go to counseling with him, no matter how broken-hearted or pessimistic I am.

He tries to show his affections through buying things, which only hurts more because he buys things I never expressed interest in. He buys food I never expressed a like for. He's stopped complimenting me and started touching me in a show of possession when there's others present.

Is he back to using because I haven't been putting out? I don't know. I suspect, but only because this is how things were shortly before I caught him LAST time. Am I on high alert? No. I don't care at this point. It's more about the lying and lack of ability to express himself to me in words. If he were just using P and honest about it when I called him on it, fine. If he were just a quiet man who was naturally very reserved, and never used P, fine. If he's using P and unable to be honest when I call him on it, and felt he couldn't be himself or express his feelings (or the fact the insurance bill hasn't been paid) to me...that's something else. This makes me feel like a very pampered slave--just about every material and essential need seen to, but never allowed to leave, and never allowed any real relationship.

I'm tired. I'm riddled with stress, doubt, fear, and numerous related physical symptoms such as insomnia and unexplainable pain. Which prompt me to anxiety, which prompts my panic disorder, which makes me not able to sleep, which makes me feel like crap in the morning...you get the idea. I've got my own friends, my volunteer work, my brother and father all as bright spots in my life. I've got God (who told me around 5 this morning as I was finally starting to get drowsy, "I'm gonna take care of you no matter what, in this life and the next.").

...but I'm supposed to be married, and happily married at least half of the time. I don't have a real marriage. Only a very old child who acts out when he's afraid of losing me.

[rosie]

WOW, I relate to sooooooo much of your posts. From the mother (I cut mine out) to the obsessing over details and anxiety, even to going into marriage counselling and not discussing the lurking problem... our counsellor too ordered us separate. He also lied/forgets to speak of facts.

Even meeting someone online through a game who became a good friend...he seemed more interested in me than my husband....

I don't know what else to say, other than wow...you have my attention and my thoughts Suzuka. If it wasn't for the racoon, I would have thought I was reading about myself.

Where are you currently at? Where is your HB at with his ownership of his addictions? I am assuming he has a pa/sa/both? addictions...and that is why you are here.

[Suzaku]

Even meeting someone online through a game who became a good friend...he seemed more interested in me than my husband....

This is acually an interesting subject, I just write so much all at once that I didn't think there was room for it, so I'll do it now.

My friend is agnostic. We had been hanging out in a virtual setting for a couple of months before I shared anything remotely personal beyond general, "Chocolate is good, I like kittens," type of silliness that didn't reveal any real part of me. But something said by someone else prompted me to abruptly share one very big part of me: I'm Christian. Turned out he was actually starved for knowledge, and it turned into a full-blown Q and A about my faith.

I still believe his interest is sincere, and not driven by any dark ulterior plan to steal me away.

When we first began talking, he was a regular smoker and admittedly used P. As I shared my faith and the developing situation between my H and I as far as his addiction was concerned, my friend gradually realized how hurtful P was to me. Divorced himself for going on three years, he made the decision to quit both, not just to make me proud, but for whoever he saw next. P really hurts women. He doesn't want that for any girl in his future. And smoking is generally bad. Apart from a once-in-a-blue-moon cigarette while he's on a high-stress job and surrounded by others who light up, he's apparently just quit.

I know this because the guy came halfway across the US to see me and my family for my birthday this December. It was something we'd talked about casually, him coming up here during fair time or my birthday or whatever. The idea for this was mine, and he got along so well with my family and friends that it was almost painful. Never once did he have a cigarette in his hand. Oh, his leg twitched--this guy may as well be a male version of myself, anxiety and OCD and all--but he never stepped outside. And never once put his arm around me. Not that I allowed myself any time where we were alone. My H surprised me with taking days off to chauffeur us around, anyways (another non-communication thing that just pissed me off to no end--he injected himself into the plans I'd had to visit landmarks and local ethnic restaurants that my H otherwise would never go to eat at with me, besides proved he didn't trust me).

Was my friend's visit a bad thing? I don't know, honestly. I certainly don't think it was--he came off the plane and we started carrying on like we'd known each other for years. The one time I got to really hug him was when I dropped him off at the airport (before rushing to counseling session, leaving him to wait several hours before his flight, because HE said my marriage came first), and I will admit that in all the years my H and I have been together, it's never felt like that. I don't know if it's because my H holds back, or there's a mechanical problem because of physical differences (my H is a foot and a half taller), or what. But it felt honest, not sexual in the least. And then he was gone. No plans to visit one-on-one eithere here or there. Just feeling good knowing my friend was what he said he was. The contents are what it says right on the tin.

So...it hurt all the more when I told him goodbye two nights ago.

I'll preface what comes next with the disclaimer that I've always had a problem with feeling competitive with other women for no rational reason. My current theory is that when I was younger, I felt abandoned when my predominantly male group of friends started to thin out, spending more time with girlfriends that didn't have the same interests we did. It's always been this way regardless.

He told me that he'd been turned down by a girl he'd met on one of his layovers. He said he couldn't figure out what happened, that she gave him her number, thought that meant they were getting on well, and after talking negatively about himself, finally said he was going to call her back and ask point-blank why she said, "I'm just not feeling that attraction here."

That tore it for me. He's respectful, honest, helpful, kind, hilarious and TALKS. I hurt for him. He doesn't deserve to get yanked around like that. I was jealous and angry, and not able to do a thing about it.

So, after an hour or two of tearfully going back-and-forth about a subject he and I had never touched before, I decided I couldn't keep him. If I was a real friend, I'd let him go. He doesn't need to worry about upsetting me with something offhand, on top of everything else. It'd be unfair to both of us.

I think he finally realized the same thing. He started to say, "Well if this is it and I'm never going to see you again, there's something..." And even then he couldn't be unfair to me, or disrespectful of my marriage. He amended it to, "Nevermind, you know what? Doesn't need to be said. You know if something else happens, and you need to talk to a third party, I'm here."

I've told two people about this: my brother (we're practically those psychic twins you always see in films), and the one female friend I've ever had (who has lived on opposite sides of the world from me since the start of high school). Both have said this proves I'm a good friend and a decent person. I wish I felt that way.

Where are you currently at? Where is your HB at with his ownership of his addictions? I am assuming he has a pa/sa/both? addictions...and that is why you are here.

My H grew up without a real father. The closest thing to a male role model was his grandfather. His natural state, from what he's said, was curious and talkative. But his mother was a teenager when he was born, and the theory is she got tired of his antics. He may well have been conditioned to silence and feeling worthless.

So when his older cousin let him into a substantial P collection at a very young age, he was hooked. My H says he's been on it practically since elementary school. And I wouldn't be surprised if he did at least at one point have a SA. His longest relationship was with a live-in girlfriend, and they left all sorts of paraphanaelia and underwear laying around the apartment. There were a few lewd jokes/rumors floating around our circle of friends about their bedroom habits that I won't repeat here, so it's entirely possible.

At present, I'm still not sure he's taking this seriously. There's the cavalier way he approaches me when others are around, the alteration or omission of things he says to the counselor. He doesn't seem to take the counselor's advice to heart, most times doing something once and leaving it at that.

Counseling is helping me. I don't know if it's really making a definitive difference in him yet, if at all.

[Charly22]

Self-inflicted lobotomy to save a marriage? Sure sounds like it according to most everything I've read so far. That's what Jesus would do--suffer quietly. Wives are bound till death and supposed to love unconditionally so long as things aren't abusive, or adultery is going on. And even THEN, they're not to divorce and certainly not remarry.

Sure feels like self inflicted lobotomy alot of the time don't it?! BUT...that's the darkness we have to step out of. And while Jesus might have suffered quietly most of the time, I also recall a time when he protested and threw tables over, because something was not just.

And if p/s addiction does not qualify as abusive and adultery, then why are we here?

The only thing that is going to make a p/s addiction stop the behavior is if they fear they will lose the relationship. I know this sounds so cut and dry, and is way more complicated than that for us.

[rosie]

That tore it for me. He's respectful, honest, helpful, kind, hilarious and TALKS. I hurt for him. He doesn't deserve to get yanked around like that. I was jealous and angry, and not able to do a thing about it.

So, after an hour or two of tearfully going back-and-forth about a subject he and I had never touched before, I decided I couldn't keep him. If I was a real friend, I'd let him go. He doesn't need to worry about upsetting me with something offhand, on top of everything else. It'd be unfair to both of us.

I think he finally realized the same thing. He started to say, "Well if this is it and I'm never going to see you again, there's something..." And even then he couldn't be unfair to me, or disrespectful of my marriage. He amended it to, "Nevermind, you know what? Doesn't need to be said. You know if something else happens, and you need to talk to a third party, I'm here."

Oh good lord! I am a hopeless romantic...so I am a bit devastated reading this. I have a very close male friend who is much the same. I actually met my husband and him at the same time. I chose my husband over him, but he has remained a very dear friend for many years.

Have you considered that your anger and jealousy might just be out of genuine care and that it's OKAY to feel that way about a friend? I know that if it was a girlfriend, I would feel the same way! Do you really need to cut him out? He seems like a great source of support and friendship for you.

But also..he sounds totally in love with you.

[Suzaku]

That's what I'm rather afraid of. Makes me think not talking to him--at least for the time being--might be better.

I can't take my mind wandering towards, "If my H was only more like this," or, "If things don't work out, then..." It's not fair to my H to get compared to some other guy. It's fair for me to expect to be treated better by my H, but not expect his whole personality to change.

Most importantly, I feel guilty, even if it's accidental. It's not much better than what my H has been doing to me. He might have problems, but in his heart my H is a nice guy that's had a very rough time of things. I'm just not sure at this point that I'm a great match for him. I may be hindering his growth and recovery just by being myself.

But, my H insists he loves me. He keeps saying he's sorry. That he's trying to change, that he'd do everything differently if he could go back in time. I start to feel sick when I think of leaving him.