The ? I ask everyday-deeplyinlove's journal

[deeplyinlove]

We got married just this August. I knew my H had issues but when I tried to help him get him, his pride was in the way. I even called off our engagement in February bc I felt like his heart and mind was elsewhere.

Yet my love for him was just too deep to let the relationship dissolve so when got back together after much discussion and kept our original wedding date. Dont get me wrong. I love my H with all of my heart, but I kinda wish we gave it more time although we have been dating since 2006.

On our 1 month anniversary of our wedding day, I received a text from him that clearly was not for me. That night we talked and I asked him to close any online account he had that was inappropriate. He told me he would.

3 weeks later I ask him if he had closed the accounts and he told that he hadnt had the time. Lie.

About a week later I discover that the main account that he was using to talk to women was still open and I flipped out to say the least.

He immediately deleted the account and admitted that he had "issues". "Issues" that had nothing to do with me. And for the first time, it was he who suggested he get help.

We had another convo about 2 weeks later when I asked him for his cell phone after I opened his laptop and found he was on an adult site and had discovered he had masturbated the night before while I was asleep (another issue I will speak on another time). That was the day he admitted his P addiction. I already knew. I just did not know how big of a problem it was. I told him then that I was struggling with the fact that I was having a hard time dealing with not only all of the issues that were coming up but also with the fact that I did not know what the future holds. That I could never be sure if he would do the things he had done again.

And that is the question. Can I live the rest of my life in the unknown? How will I deal if this ever happens again? The past few months have been life altering. I have not been my complete self and I feel so alone. I guess I just would really hate if I stay and we hit this point again. I love him. But I honestly cannot even say I will not lose it the next time.

I'm just being honest...

[Cupcakemomma]

Hi,
I wish I could give you an answer, but honestly I'm still asking myself the same questions.
I just recently decided to stop worrying about tomorrow, and focus on right now. If my bf goes back tomorrow, I will decide how to manage tomorrow or next week. I just figured that all the questions in my head were making the healing harder :)
I hope you can find a little bit of mental peace for your self tonight :)

[deeplyinlove]

First, Thank you CM for your words of encouragment.

Its after 1 am and things are blah. I am upstairs waiting for him to come to bed while he is downstairs working.

His business is online so I can't take the internet away from him. I wish I could though. That and cell phones, I feel, have been the root of his evils if you ask me.

I can peep downstairs when he's online or peep over his shoulder when he's texting. But what do I do about when he's away from home? I can't control that.

He says that I am who he wants and I do believe that. He is not a man to do what he doesn't want to do. He married me.

But that previous statement is the problem. He isn't a man to do what he doesn't want to do. How am I to know that he doesn't want to continue talking to other women? It just makes me feel less than.

I'm just being honest...

[JenMac]

Hi Deeplyinlove!
Welcome to TTF! You have come to the right place! You will find many here who have experienced what you are going through and who can offer guidance and support. There are a wonderful group of SOs (significant others) here who will rally round you and welcome you with open arms.
You are in a difficult place in your life. You have to take some time to gather your thoughts, to decide how you will proceed with this difficult situation. It was suggested to me here, that I write my H a letter expressing how this dreadful discovery affected me and our relationship. It took me some time to be able to think clearly enough to be able to do that but that is exactly what I did. It did have a great effect on my H.
When you feel able, you will also need to decide what you can live with and set your boundaries out in a clear manner to your H. You will know what you need to feel safe in your life but for me I needed to be in a realtionship free of P, in order for me to feel safe, loved and respected. I told my H this within 24 hours of the discovery of P in my home. He has told me this was all important and possibly one of the greatest factors in him being able to step away from P and to be Pfree for the past 7 months. There have been other 'light bulb' moments over this time but this was one of the first ones.
I am sorry you are hurting at this time DIL! I can feel the pain you are experiencing! I have been there myself. I hope you will find what you need at TTF! It is so helpful to know that there are others here who know what you are going through. It has been so theraputic for me to be here and I hope you find it that way too!
Take time for you! You are the important one at this time! Try not to get swallowed up in his addiction, you need the strength to be able to look after you and your needs first and foremost!
All the best DIL!
Take care!
Jenn

[deeplyinlove]

I have been so depressed the last 3 days. I don't want to be but I am.

There are finanicial issues for us right now. I am still not working and that has taken its toll on me. I've been jobless since May. As a person who is used to having her own, this is just not okay with me.

Those issues on top of the issues I am having with dealing with my husband & his issues, has just been overwhelming.

He is still MBing. Its not a big issue to me. I'm kinda on the fence about it. I'm okay if he does it every so often but when I'm home AND I have told him I am in the mood and then he MBs while I am asleep, that just hurts me.

My emotions have been all over the place. I just want to "Fade Away" as the Mary J. Blige song says.

There are so many things that have triggered me lately. I think the worst lately came about 3 nights ago. My husband told me that his ex wanted us to get together with her and her boyfriend around/for Thanksgiving. *Blankstare*
I know it doesn't sound that bad, (maybe it does) but I have a lot of trust issues with him and women. He has constantly lied to me in the past. There have been soooo many ups & downs because of he and his selfishness. Even within our marriage. Its just hard.

So let me get to the point. The problem I have with this ex is that she was one of my replacements. I probably know more about her than he thinks I know but I don't know too much about them together. In fact, I just found out they were actually together the other night we had that conversation. I knew they dated but I thought that was it. I asked him about it and he said that he and her dated during one of our "off" periods. I asked how long has he known her and he said about 2 years. What's the problem? He and I have been dating off and on for almost 5 years. So that has triggered my wonderment . When did he start seeing her? Was I still with him then? When he and I got back together, was she still in the picture? Was she the cause of the breakup? Was me coming back into the picture the cause of rtheir breakup?

I know that those things are things that I should not be worried about. I mean he married me. But he has also told me that she was one of the women that were upset that he got married and it was not her. So I cannot lie and say that she does not threaten me. And the fact that I have only met a few people in his life just bothers me. He has, in his "coming clean" phase, told me that he has kept me away from his female friend because a. Most of them are ex's and b. He doesn't like drama. But my point is, if they are going to bring drama because of me and our relationship, then they shouldn't be friends. Period.

My mind is just filled with so much. I spend time crying over a lot of it. I just hate feeling the way I feel. I don't feel like I can really talk to my family and friends. Other than a selet few friends, no one knows what I am going through. I have tried to get help but the only free option we have is booked up until next year. And without extra money coming in, we can't afford to spend money on therapy.

I just want to be able to deal and right now I can't.

I'm just being honest...

[JenMac]

HI Deeplyinlove!
What i hear you saying is that you don't feel safe, you don't feel emotionally safe within this relationship. You are feeling fragile and insecure. That is an awful way to feel!
I know those feelings and for me, I found the only way I could deal with that was not to look to others to prop me up but to work on that for myself. I hated feeling weak and vulnerable! I needed to do some serious work to get myself out of that state! Writing down your thoughts, making a list about your strengths, making a gratitude list, doing things you enjoy doing or are good at doing just for you! Just doing for you, taking care of you! Try not to let it all be about him, put the spotlight back on yourself for the time being. Think about what you want, what you need to feel safe, to feel respected, to feel loved. And start asking for it, requiring it.
You have every right to feel the way you do, they are your feelings after all. But you can also change the way you are feeling by changing your mindset. You can make yourself stronger, more confident and in the process you can learn to rely more on YOU! WE can't control another but we can control ourselves.
Thank you for your honesty Deeply! I can feel your pain!
I hope you accept this little pep talk in the manner it was meant because I meant it with care and concern for your wellbeing!
...thinking of you...
Jenn

[deeplyinlove]

First. Jenn, Thank you for your concern and advice. It is really appreciated!

In the past when I get down, depressed, upset, I spend money. I buy clothes, I get my hair done, get my nails done, go out of town, go out for dinner and drinks with friends, whatever makes me feel good. So in the past few months with the issues my H and I are having and me being jobless right now, I haven't been able to do those things. I really want to go to therapy and haven't been able to afford that either.

I know money is not the correct problem solver but for me it always has been. That and Sx. My H and I have Sx but not as much as I would like. When I'm stresses I like to. When he is stresses he doesn't want to. So not having access to things that I usually use to cope has been hard.

But as open as I thought I have always been with my emotions, these issues have caused me to have to deal with not just his issues but mine as well.

I love him and I am committed at this point but the uncertainty of our future and him going backwards scares me.

I'm just being honest...

[Crisodian]

DIL,
I have finally had a chance to get caught up on your journal. I can sympathise with how you are feeling.

I am a very independant woman. (My H is probably reading this and nodding like a bobble-head.) Once upon a time, I was dependant on others for everything. When I changed my life, and depended on no one but me, it was hard but so rewarding. I can imagine, you being without employ since May has been really tough. It would be for me and my psyche were I in your shoes, because I can completely embrace not feeling independant.

So you are a strong, independant woman in a dependant situation. That's not a good mix for some of us. I know were it me, I would be frustrated and depressed.

My question to you is what scares you about him going backwards? Is he showing evidence of going backwards? Or is it simply the thought of "he may again"?

Find peace,
~C~