Another Day

[jay38112]

Well here we are again, paranoid, disheartened, down and out. Its Friday and I know what Saturday morning brings, he gets up early before me, goes and takes a viagra so that we can have s_x, another weekend of pretending that I am enjoying doing something with someone that has turned me off everything.. Then when its over I'm left to feel like saying just leave the money on the counter as you leave.. Can I live like this, no emotional physical contact with the person I love as he is not capable of it cause he would rather please himself then have me please him. I know why he does it though its about control, when he masterbates to porn its all about control, he doesnt have to interact with the women on the screen or in the books, he doesnt have to talk to them or listen to them or wonder if he is pleasing them cause in the end the only person he has to please is himself. I think his feelings of inadequacies in previous relationships is where his addiction started, sad thing is that I have never fed those feelings if anything I go out of my way to make him feel good about himself. You know what is so insulting is someone who has spent most of their life surrounded by porn and yet when I say you have never made "Love" to me he tells me he doesnt know how and I need to show him. That just turns me off even more consdering that he is 10yrs older than me.

[Crisodian]

jay -
I am so sorry for your pain. :(

1. Does your partner admit he has a problem? (apologies if you shared this, I couldn't recall)

and

2. (this is a hard one) What are you willing to accept?

It's a hard decision to make to decide what to do when we, as SOs, are dealing with PA. Especially a PA who doesn't admit it's an issue in our lives. You do, however, have some hard choices to make. Will you accept the behavior and continue on or will you not?

If you won't, then you need to put your foot down. This is your life too. You are more important than P. You have the power to make smart choices for what you will and won't accept in your life, in your home, in your bed. If you will not tolerate his behavior, then you have the choice to tell him, no.

I was willing to give my husband the choice: His P or me and our kids. I got to the point in our lives where it was one or the other, but he couldn't have it all. And I also made it very clear I was more than ready, and willing, to make good on that promise to leave if I had to.

He's been clean over a year now.

Find a path to peace for youself, if for no other reason.

~C~

[NewHope10]

sad thing is that I have never fed those feelings if anything I go out of my way to make him feel good about himself.

Hi Jay. I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling.

Your quote above struck a chord with me. I too have been a very supporting and loving wife - trying to build him up (especially when times were tought). In good times and in times of struggle. The good things I've said and shown my H in the past to try and encourage him - and let him know just how much I love him...to find that it didn't matter how much support and love I gave/showed him. In one minute I'd be pouring out my love for him - to find out the next minute he'd be "using".

Although this hurts...I think it all has to do with the PA, and nothing I do or say could replace the feelings of hopelessness and insecurity that my H felt.

I know that in times during my own insecurities...my H could say nice and pleasing things to me - but because I did not feel good about myself...nothing he said or did would help. In fact, sometimes I thought, "You are just saying that".

So...perhaps its the same way with the PA? Just a thought.

Try to be good to YOURSELF! Try to do something nice for you. I know...its tough, hun. I'm only beginning to feel like doing something nice for me.

Keep posting. This is a good and safe place to be...and you will find support and encouragement and strength from other SO's who know what you are going through.

My thoughts are with you!

[lostsoul]

Dear Jay

I am so sorry to read of your pain. Like you, I have felt that emotional coldness, no connection, no warmth. When I feel this I remind myself that, I don't deserve this, I didn't cause it and I cannot cure it. Then I do something that gives me reassurance and quite often it's logging on here. Like you, I am new to this site and I cannot tell you how much it helps me, mostly because when I post here I feel I am talking to people who know what is going on and there is nothing to explain. I can be honest about how I am feeling, knowing the feelings will be validated.

You are not alone and I too will be thinking of you.

LS.

[jay38112]

All you guys are fab, thankyou so much for your wonderful words of encouragement and wisdom, we are all like peas and carrots, we have to stick together. It is a good feeling to share with people who understand.... I guess its just becoming harder and more complicated in my circumstance due to the fact that I feel I owe this man my life, he has stood by me for the toughest years of my life and more recently the death of my son, and as much as his addiction is causing me so much grief, I am constantly checking myself as if it wasnt for his support and strength when my angel passed I would have been in heaven with my boy. Its difficult to hate someones actions but still love the man. Anyway luvs thanks again and all of you take extra special care cause your all worth a bundle.o:-)

[debv]

Its difficult to hate someones actions but still love the man.

I think this is the single thought that really binds all of us SOs together on this site. We love our men but hate what they do (or did).

I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your son. :((

[mell]

Jay,

Sorry to hear about your loss.

It is not about 'keeping score'. Don't know if you are married or not. Even if you aren't, you have made a commitment to each other. The P drives a huge wedge right in the middle of that commitment.

He needs to understand that he is cheating on you. I don't recall where it is, but there are threads here about why P IS CHEATING.

Making love and having s3x are two completely different things. Lovemaking is emotional. It sounds to me like he has completely detached himself from the intimacy of it, a common trend for addicts.

Have you really confronted him about this? You are a good person (we all are) and you deserve better. You don't owe him anything. We are expected and required to be there for our loved ones during the rough times.

Best wishes to you, this is a good place to be. The SOs here will help with support and encouragement and will be more than willing to 'show you the way' to a better like for yourself.

Would he be willing to come here and read some of the PA's journals? There is a lot of insight there as to why the addiction is a problem and why it is not just about the addict.

-Mell

[JenMac]

Hi Jay!
I am very sorry for the loss of your son. That is a heartbreaking loss to have to live through. It was important that your H was there to support you through that loss.
Staying with someone because they have been there for you through that kind of crisis, regardless of how this addiction makes you feel, cannot be healthy for you or him. Consider that your H is now in the midst of an addiction that is taking control of his life and that he has to hit some kind of bottom before he will be able to try to gain back some of that control. Consider that the longer you live with it and make few demands or have few consequences will only encourage a deepening of the addiction and loss of the relationship. Does that change your thinking even just a little?
You can love the man and hate the addiction. But you have to love yourself too! You have to love both of you enough to make the hard choices, the difficult demands and mean them. Nothing good is going to come out of acceptance of this. It will only deepen, his sense of shame and self loathing will increase. Your sense of self worth will plummet as well, even further than it has.
You can support and love your H but for myself, I found I could do that to a point but only if it was heading in the right direction, towards recovery. I needed a committment of recovery. I couldn't go on in my relationship without that!
Once I had that committment I was able to be loving, kind, caring and patient with my H. I did not feel anger. I was able to suggest and guide and support. I was able to voice my thoughts and feelings and let him see my pain. But first I needed him to take that first step, the first step away from P. Without that there could be no healing on either of our parts.
Glad you are feeling support here Jay! Keep coming back, you are in the right place!
...thinking of you...
Jenn

[jay38112]

Thanks so much for all the great support guys it means a lot especially when you trapped with your silence its great to be able to vent. I understand completely everything all of you have said, and in reply to have I really confronted him about this problem, many many many times, but it just keeps rearing its ugly head, I mean it got to the point that I left one day and went and stayed at my mates place who happens to be a man, he lives with his parents and I am close friends with all of them so I knew that I would be ok there. But this is the thing my H has litterally cried when I have packed my bags ready to leave, he has begged me on numerous occassions not to leave explaining his love to me, and in 3 yrs we have never spent a night away from each other, you know he did not look for me, did not try to find out where I was, instead he grabbed another beer and played the WII all night. I questioned him about it when I came home the next day and I told him where I was, he was not concerned in the slightest. He keeps telling me that he isnt doing it anymore but my gut tells me that this is not over, I mean you cant just stop doing something that has brought you so much comfort and a sense of self for over 20yrs. He doesnt know that I am on this site but I am sure that we will have a disagreement shortly and I will tell him, but I am actually scared to tell him cause I know that he will think that I am trying to find ways to deal with his behaviour and to him this will be another reason that he doesnt have to stop, I think that he would actually get excited to think that if I could deal with his problem then he would have to stop doing it. Yes he is a very emotionally detached person and that is what s_x is completely detached. I am just at such a terrible time in my life, I am emotionally a wreck over the loss of my angel, if I leave I have no where to go, I am working 3 jobs to try and support myself as much as possible, he has just bought me a car so I wont have transport. I dont really have many friends as he is so antisocial and he doesnt like me going anywhere without him and the only thing he likes to do is sit at home and watch DVD's and he will do it all day long. I just dont know what to do anymore I am so unhappy and lost.

[JenMac]

Hi Jay!
I am sorry you are feeling so sad and lost and stuck. That is such a painful place to be. Remember that if you keep coming here you will at least feel less alone in all of this and the support of others can sometimes make the difference in how strong you feel.
You at least have this place where you can express yourself freely. That is an important thing when you are in the midst of this. Reading others' struggles and how they have dealt with them can be helpful as well.
I hope you can find some time today to find peace in some way. It is important to look after yourself through this difficult time.
...thinking of you...
Jenn