Letting go of us...

[Missingus]

I need to vent, somehow release all this anger resentment. That's right I am angry. Everywhere I hear about forgiveness and how I can help my PAH. It has been so long since I spent an entire day without thinking or dealing with the ramifications of his PA. We've been married 9 years, he has been doing it the entire relationship. I have tried every possible way of dealing with it. I tried asking him not to do it, explaining how much it hurt, watching it with him, crying, begging, ignoring it, counseling... Everything over the years. Nothing has taken the pain away, nothing has healed these wounds. He still does it I imagine, I don't know... I don't look anymore. I don't want to know anymore, I am tired of PA. Sick of this filthy struggle. Finding myself in a new place recently, my love for this man is close to gone. My respect and trust are distant memories.

I feel awful saying this, but I want to be done. To never think of this dirty vile things again. Why did he bring this into my life! It's sickening. I have no sympathy. I don't care how hard it is to stop! All these actresses are someone else's daughter! How could a grown man with children of his own want to watch someone's daugter defile herself in that way I don't know! Only one without a drop of integrity or morals. I know that I should walk away, it would be better for my children and me. But how do you leave someone who is dependent on you? Both finacially and emotionally?

He is always "sorry" always "tries" to quit. He refuses to seek help anywhere, saying "I am not an addict". Yet he cannot stop himself. I can't look away anymore. I am tired of feeling so trapped. Unable to express my own sexual and intimate desires with my own husband. This disease has taken so much away from both of our lives. Stolen the joy of marriage and intimacy. So yes right now I am angry!

So sorry for my ranting, I know this site is ment for healing. But reading all these posts, "hearing" so many of you saying in one way or another how I have felt over the years... It just made me so angry at this awful disease, this epidemic in our society. So thank you for tolerating me... I needed to vent. ;(

[JenMac]

Hi MissingUs!
I am sorry for your pain! Your anger is entirely understandable! You have every right to every one of your feelings. It is a sad place we find ourselves in and we can feel so alone! I am glad you found your way here because it really is about healing. The healing for him but more importantly, the healing for you! You are the one I am concerned about at this time. This sickness takes so much from everyone around the PA. If your H has been involved with P your entire marriage, it has taken from you for a long time!
You need to take some time for yourself. Time to really think about what you want and what direction you feel you should head. Have you written your H a letter outlining how this addiction has affected you and your marriage and the changes you can see in him? It is suggested you do that as the written word has an immense power much more so than just saying how you fell.
I believe we have to make decisions about what it is we will tolerate and live with. For me I need to feel safe within my relationship and to feel safe and loved there can be no P. Easy decision, right. Not so easy but I set my boundaries and stated my decisions. We are here 6 months later in a better place with more connection and peace than before. Hard work but worth it! It takes 2 to make that committment to work together to overcome this and to move on to a better place. If 2 are not ready and willing, it is all but impossible.
Take time for yourself, read up around here, set your boundaries and prepare yourself to make decisions. Use the support of this site to give you strength! You are not alone! WE have been there too!
...thinking of you MU!...
Jenn
ps Vent all you need to! let it out!

[Missingus]

Thank you Jenn. I truly appreciate your thoughtful words. To answer your question about writing him a letter... I have many times under different circumstances written to him. Like I said I have been dealing with this for over 9 years. I have been to Sanon I went for a little over a year, he went saa during that same time. We have went to couples counseling. To my H's credit he has tried, many times to stop. But he has always fallen back into it again. He blames depression, society, tv, ect. Anything to prevent the blame from falling on him. To this day, I believe he seperates himself from this issue by telling himself and me the it is my problem and I should just get over it. That I am too jealous or insecure in myself, and the porn is just something he likes and has nothing to do with me or how he feels about me. I know that none of this true and is simply his defense against accepting his part. I feel I have tried all there is to try, this new place I am finding myself in, is finally drawing me away from this battle. I think I am done fighting for my marriage. Like you said it is all but impossible unless we are both working on it. But he can not work on something if he doesn't accept there is even a problem.

[debv]

But he can not work on something if he doesn't accept there is even a problem.

You've hit the nail on the head there. It's your call whether you want to give him another try, but maybe if he sees you literally packed and ready to leave, he'll come around. Maybe not. Maybe you need to give him one more try for yourself, maybe not. I'm not in your shoes or in your head. That said, you are clearly not happy with the status quo, and that's what you're going to have (or worse) without taking action to take care of yourself and your children.

((hugs))

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

missingus-

I am sorry you find yourself in the position to need to be here.

It sucks that we as SOs have to make our husbands decide to make a choice. Shouldn't they not want to hurt us on their own? Sadly, we married people who decide to push us as far they can for as long as we put up with it. So, yes, we have to get a point where we make them make a choice. We can't force anyone to change their behavior, but we can decide what we will put up with and make personal choices that force them to make a choice. It seems like as long we as SOs keep giving "one more chance" they will just do what they want because they can.

It seems from your posts that he think P is your problem and you should just get used to it. Does he know that you are getting to the point of not even caring about your marriage any more? What is enough for you?

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[Missingus]

First I want to say that I am so thankful that I finally found a place like this... I have looked far and wide for a place like this, somewhere safe to vent, explain, work out these conflicting and confusing emotions and trials...

Today I am feeling awfully conflicted. On one hand I have reached a point in my own life where I "think" that I can't take anymore of this. I can't tolerate one more accident. One more day in the life of a so of a PA. I find myself resentful that I am still dealing with this issue. Simply put I am so very sick and tired of porn in life and thoughts. I can't seam to put them out. To completely separate myself. I am angry at my h for putting me through this, for destroying our marriage and relationship. For ruining our intimate relationship. So many things... I can't even put into words. Most of all I am tired of feeling so alone. He used to be my best friend, now we are both miserable lonely and constantly at each others throats. And I am just so tired.

Lately I just don't want to try anymore. I feel to embittered, as though I am not being helpful to him or even myself. I would guess this new (relatively) way of thinking came about last Christmas when we lost our fourth child to a miscarriage, two days before Christmas. Then I found out he had been using porn again on his iPhone only a few weeks after. Of course I blew up and then fell into a deep depression (as I have on previous occasions) only to have him make appologies and promises he never makes good on. Then months later in July I discovered him again looking at porn on his phone and dvd's, which he copied pieces of and stored on our computer in the same file he stored compromising pictures of myself. When I discovered this I demanded that he delete every picture of me and give me his removable harddrive ( where he stores these lewd images of me that he convinced me to allow him to take years ago). He of course refused and left our home for a week only coming back because h had gotten himself arrested for driving impaired ( falling asleep behind the wheel on his way home from some strip clubs). When he came back he promised again to stay clean, no lying, get a councelor, join sa ect... It's now been three months and there has been no sign of anything, either porn or recovery attempts. He swears "he's not looking at porn anymore and he doesn't even want to". But I don't believe him, I don't trust him at all. He has gotten so good at lying and hiding over the years, I have no idea when he isn't telling the truth or when he hiding something. Because I no longer "look" for these things ( I had to stop the digging years ago or lose my own sanity) I only rarely come upon evidence anymore. But the way I see it now, I see no reason to trust him no reason to believe in him. Nothing has changed. His attitude is the same, he still blames me for our sex life, or lack of one. Blames me for my insecurities and repulsion of doing sexual favors for him. He has never shown any remorse except when he thinks I am going to throw him out of our home. He refuses to talk about it, saying he's sick of talking about it because he doesn't do it anymore and it just makes him sick. Now mind you he's been saying that since the beginning (9 years ago) when he was blatantly using porn ( and not at all good at hiding it).

So now I find myself just wanting to divorce him, to leave this problem of his behind me. To just be selfish and save myself in this mess. Its hard though for finacial reasons and just the logistics of life as single mother of three young children. Not to mention my crazy work schedule, I am a nurse and work full-time nights in addition to homeschooling my children. My h works parttime as a landscaper only in the summer and can't afford his own place. So I feel as though I am abandoning him. I feel trapped, even though I have no doubt that I could support myself and our children. Just beginning to relize that I may just have to buckle down and be the "bad" guy and just let him struggle on his own. As the breadwinner for our family I simply can't afford to allow myself to fall apart over this issue. As a mother I need to find a place for my children to be safe from the anguish of this horrific disease. As a woman I need to find a place peace and safety for my weary soul. So I am searching for a way to take two steps forward, without looking back.

[Cupcakemomma]

Missingus, I am so sorry that you are in such a sad and lonley place right now. It isn't easy, I have been there before with my ex H, his addiction (To drugs not P, though thinking back maybe...) left me so shut off from everything, and the blame he placed against me was so painful, then one day I woke up where you are and said two steps forward, packed up my kids and left for 3 days so he could make arrangments to be gone. I had to stop myself from worrying about how he would manage, and so on, because he had made it clear he was not even a little worried about how I would manage while his addiction slowly killed him. On the down side it was incredibly hard, on the upside my kids and I were healthier than we have ever been, physically and emotionally. Anyway, thats just my story, for what its worth. I single parented and supported and fell in love again, and learned a ton. Now 5 years later my ex is able to be a part of our lives again, he saw his "rock bottom" when I left and went to treatment and has been clean a good long time. He can be an active parent to our son again. So the point to this long winded rant is : Do what you need to do, for you and your children and let him figure it out for himself, because it doesnt seem like he has a clue what he wants. ( I know, I know, neither does my BF, but I've sorta played this record before under different circumstances)
Fingers crossed that you can find some peace with all this. >:D<

[City Fool]

Missingus,

There are no easy answers and my best advice is to seek professional counsel.
Regardless, the final call will be yours.

I remained married to my wife, a SA for 10 years. I had hoped she would grow up, change, become a mother to our child. I stayed because I wanted my daughter to have two parents but in the end, she had the one. The only one who cared enough to suffer through the pain of a dead end marriage.
After all was said and done, I was left with very little and the road to PA was well paved.
I only have myself to blame for the latter. For the former, well, I tried to make things work.

It was a mistake, in my case to drag a dead horse in the traces and if I had known how happy my daughter and I woulld be after her mother was gone, I'd have done things differently.
I didn't join this site to let people know it's not always men who become PA's and SA's. I joined because I'm struggling.

The SO's here will support you and communicate with them as much as you can.
Think about professional help and try to be strong.

Best of luck,

CF

[Missingus]

Thank you to all who have left so many encouraging and heartfelt responses. Giving me the courage and strength to continue on whatever I decide.

Today was a good day on many levels. I finally found myself a housekeeper. I've been looking for so long, having a full-time and part-time jobs in addition to homeschooling my three wonderful kids has led my house into a full scale disaster. So finally having it clean was a huge relief! I feel blessed to have the life that I have today, not perfect by a longshot but blessed nonetheless.

My H has been avoiding me and it is almost a relief if I wasn't so angry. But what I see I completely abhor, going out getting drunk, sleeping his evenings away in a drunken slumber. Ugh! How old is he anyway! Everytime I have approached him as of late he is either sleeping, drunk, or doing something else that cannot possibly wait. So annoying when I have so much to say. Incredibly I am ok, maybe it because I am here saying everything I've always wanted to say. Regardless at least I have spent one more good day with my wonderful children. And I look forward to tomorrow, another school filled day with the ones I love most.

Nothing much about the P issue today, which is good for me, I needed a day without that blasted stuff! Maybe I'll even get another!

MU

[astander]

Missingus, I could have written the posts you have written. It sounds just exactly like my life. Only I have been married 5 years, not 10. Am I in for another 5 years of this? God help me.