Confusion

[jay38112]

I hate this! Lies, Secrets, Deciept, insulting excuses!!!!!!! Why didn't those alarm bells that I heard ringing in my head ring a bit louder when I first moved in with my fiance 3yrs ago..... I mean the house other than being dirty beyond belief was littered with wall to wall porn! Mags, videos, dvd's, books you name it it was here, tonnes of the stuff, in toilets, bedrooms, bathrooms everywhere. Thought I got him to get rid of it on numerous occassions but then I end up finding them hidden. Just recently they were moved to a new hiddy hole, the boot of an old car. If thats not bad enough I have sprung him masturbating to the fashion chanel, how desperate is that.. And then there is the viagra... oh yes he has to take viagra to have sex with me, and there is no foreplay, no touching, no kissing nothing, and the only parts of our bodies that touch are the parts needed for the act, Now dont get me wrong I love sex and I am very adventurous but because of what he has done I just lay there like a dead person cause he disgusts me. The sad thing is that he loves me like no other, he is the most kind, generous man I have ever known. But this stuff just keeps rearing its ugly head but he is in such denial that even though he knows how it is tearing apart our relationship and the bad affect it has on me, he can't stop. He says he's not still doing it but nothing he says or does makes any sense at all and I just don't believe that this is over. He thinks that I believe him when he lies about not doing it anymore but I know that he just thinks he's getting better at hiding it but what he doesnt realise is that he is the worst liar I have ever met. I just dont understand myself either why the hell am I still here I mean he is 10yrs older than me, he has never taken care of himself so he looks old enough to be my dad, he is an alcholic, all his teeth are rotten, he is the laziest person i have ever known, he spends is time at home by himself downstairs and leaves me by myself, but I just love him and I dont want to leave but this is driving me nuts and I have lost all self confidence I wish someone who isnt close to him could show him how wrong this is then maybe he might do something bout it instead of trying to make me believe that he can fix the prob himself

[Cupcakemomma]

I hear ya. >:D<

[JenMac]

HI Jay! I am glad you are here! You have found a wonderful support group upon entering here! There are many here who share your story and have experienced the same pain you have. I think it is safe to say that we all wondered whether we should stay or go. That decision is yours and yours alone to make. Noone else can decide that for you. By being here you can learn from others' experience and apply some of that knowledge to your own situation.
It is suggested that you put into a letter all of the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing and give it to your H. The power of the written word can be immense! You may also need to think about what you can live with and what you cannot and then set boundaries reflecting that. For me I told my H within 24 hours of this discovery that I could not live with this in my life. He chose to fight this addiction to save our marriage. It has been a lot of hard work but here we are 6 months later, stronger, happier and more connected as a couple. I know for me I need to feel safe and loved within my partnership for me to have the desire to continue on with it. I could not possibly feel those things if P was still a part of our life. No question in my mind. We have been married 34 years but I would give it up tomorrow if this were to reappear. I will not go back there!
My H is a kind, sweet, gentle man just as yours is. They made choices that eventually became an addiction, something out of their control. I can see a return to the wonderful man I married since we have been addressing this. It is a blessing really that we have been able to work through it! Lots of open, honest communication on both of our parts has helped to put us where we are at the moment. It is a process, it doesn't happen overnight. It takes the addict stepping away for a time before they are able to see the damage they have done to themselves, the relationship and to us.
This site has been a Godsend for both of us! We have found so much support and guidance here, so many others who are going through the same things. It truly helps when we feel less alone in our struggles! I hope you can find some comfort here Jay!
Wishing you all the best!
Jenn