Tired

[SimplyMe]

I am here for support from others who understand my feelings about my spouse looking at pornography.
Just a little background info, my husband and I have been married for 19 yrs. We went through a separation two years ago for about 6 months.
Looking back I remember early in our relationship when we had first started dating that I knew he watched porn but I really didn't give it much thought. And then after we got married and he got a job with a company where he had to work on a computer and he came home and told me that he got warned by his supervisor that if anymore evidence came up that he was looking at porn sites during work he would be let go, I still thought nothing of it because he told me that these things were being delivered to his e-mail and the only way he could get them to stop was to click on them. I was too naïve and fell for this. Then we started visiting the library to get on the computers, because we didn't have our own yet. Our son came to me and told me that he walked up behind his Dad at the library and saw him looking at porn. I saw my son lose respect for my spouse that day, heartbreaking.

At the time we were involved in the church, my husband was a member of the council and I worked with preschoolers. My husband “preached” on doing the right thing all the time to my son and here he was doing something totally against the teaching of our faith, totally contrary to the way he appeared to believe. I asked my husband to sit down at the table with me and our son and we confronted him together about it. He agreed that it was wrong and that he would stop, but he didn't so I told him that I would report him to the pastor if he didn't step down from the council. He spoke with the pastor on the matter and stepped down from the church council. By this time my son was begging for a computer in the home because most of what they do in school nowadays is computerized, so with much hesitation, I allowed it, but insisted it be put in a public area of the home, we set it up in the living room.
Unfortunately this did not deter my husband from the porn, He would get on the internet and sign up for free trials and then wouldn't cancel by the trial expiration date and we would end up with charges on our bank account that I hadn't accounted for, which would overdraw our account. He always acted like he had no clue how it happened, that he must have clicked on the wrong thing or something lame like that. At this point I really hadn't given much thought to how the porn made me feel personally, perhaps because I was in shock, that this person that I thought I knew, now seemed like a stranger to me. My husband started frequenting game sites and while he was playing he began chatting with people on there. Long story short he started chatting with women in private rooms, then connecting with them on his personal messenger which ultimately ended with him getting involved with one particular women who sent explicit pictures of herself to his e-mail. I discovered all of this when I came home one day, walked in the door, and went to answer the phone that was laying next to him at the computer desk and he grabbed it right away and said I'll get that, then he went into our bedroom with the phone. Something didn't seem right to me, so I asked who he was talking to and he lied and said it was a loan officer from the bank about the mortgage. I didn't believe him and screamed “it's one of those women off the internet isn't it” he denied it, but then told her that he had to go. I got the phone shortly after and hit *69 and it rang back to her office answering machine. (This particular incident with the phone was extremely hurtful to me because my first husband cheated on me, he confessed to it, but one night he locked himself in our bedroom so he could talk with her on the phone). This was like he ripped open an old wound and poured salt into it. I insisted he give me all his passwords and checked his e-mail and chat archives which is when I discovered the pictures and numerous sexual chat episodes with different women. This hurt me the same way it would have if I had walked in the house and found him in bed with her. I was devastated, this man that I had all the trust in the world in(even after the experience of my first marriage). I had never questioned him in the 16 yrs we had been married. Not once did I have a suspicious thought about him. And now that was gone, totally destroyed. We proceeded with counseling through our church, which eventually led to us leaving the faith, but that is a whole other subject.
I became a complete mess in this process. I was suspicious of everything he did and said. Did not believe anything he said. I had to check his internet activity constantly to the point I secretly bought spy ware for our computer to monitor him. It got to the point I felt like I was going crazy and decided that I couldn't live that way, so I told him I was leaving. I told him that there wasn't anything he could do, that he had broken something in our relationship that could not be fixed. What I wanted for him to do at that point was beg me to stay, promise me he wouldn't do it again, plead for my forgiveness, but he didn't, he didn't cry, he didn't plead, he just let me go and went on with his life like it didn't matter.

I on the other hand fell into a state of depression, considered suicide, I felt so alone and so lost without him. I tried to get involved with someone else, hoping for companionship, comfort and ultimately to make him jealous. I didn't get any of that. It just made me feel even worse about my self because I ended up in one night stands with a couple men I didn't even really know. That was when I realized that no matter what man I was with from now on I was going to question their fidelity, and honesty. So I decided since I would have to live with that regardless of who I was with, I preferred to be with the man I had spent the last 16 years with and I came home.

Through out all of this it was in my head that it was me, that I had done something wrong, that I needed to change. So when I first returned I tried to be open to whatever would make him happy. He wanted me to watch porn with him. So I did. I would be lying if I said it was totally repulsive to me, because some of it wasn't, and I can see the affect it has that makes it appealing, but on the other hand I think that it tends to demean women. It depicts women as liking everything that is being done to them no matter what it is and that all women like the same things. What one women likes may be repulsive to another, we are all different. This became a daily thing. He started calling me over to the computer saying “you have to see this” he got into looking at all sorts of bazaar things and would want me to sit and watch these videos with him while my son was in the room( he was on the other side of the room watching tv) but none the less it made me very uncomfortable. He excuses looking at this stuff by saying it's funny. Him and his buddies pass things back and forth over there cell phones and his one friend lends him videos all the time. He insists it is harmless and it means nothing. But it does to me. I thought when he married me that he was entering a monogamous relationship with me, and me alone. When he pulls up pictures of women and videos it is like he is bringing those women into my house and they are not just pictures, an actual live person posed for those pictures and performed for those videos. It is real and it hurts very deeply. I can't speak for other women, but it lowers my self esteem, makes me feel unattractive, like there is something wrong with me, makes me feel like he doesn't care about me, because I have told him numerous times how it makes me feel, yet he continues to do it.

The most recent case of this was about a month ago. I just couldn't take it anymore, every time I turned around he was on the computer looking at it. I explained to him again how it makes me feel, and he agreed that he would stop and he did just long enough that I started opting out of checking on him and got into doing something I enjoy doing like sewing. I couldn't completely quit checking though so come to discover that he started to dabble again. He clicks on links he gets in e-mails. So now I am back to the same place I was before we separated, suspicious of every phone call, suspicious of what he is doing on the internet, it is making me absolutely crazy and I don't know what to do. I'm really tired of checking after him but I can't stop. I'm tired of confronting him, it makes me feel like I am bringing grief into the home, like I'm the bad guy. I'm tired of repeating myself over and over on the subject. Tired of not knowing what to do next.

[Cupcakemomma]

I'm new here to, and I can totally relate to your last paragraph. It sometimes feels so exhausting. But on the upside, in the 24 hours since I have registered here, I have learned and understood far more than than in the many hours of snooping and account tracking and fighting. There are some very supportive and understanding people here. Here's to hoping we both find what we need to get through this.

[JenMac]

Hi SimplyMe!
Welcome to TTF! I am sorry for all of the heartache you are experiencing! I am an SO here, I have been married for 34 years and I discovered this betrayal in March. My H had been involved in internet P for a relatively short time, about 6-7 months.
Since that discovery our life has been turned upside down and put back together again with a lot of committment and hard work on both of our parts. It takes two, two people who are willing to work together, who want to recover from this allconsuming horror in which we find ourselves.
I told my H withing 24 hours of this discovery that I could not live with this in my life. He had choices to make, as did I. He chose to committ to recovery and I chose to not leave as long as I felt us moving ahead. It has been a difficult journey but one that I hope will be worth it in the end.
Difficult decisions are yours to make. You have already left and chose to come back without any committment from your H. You are the only one who can decide what you are willing to live with. I know for me, I need to feel safe and loved in my relationship. I need to feel respected and that I am a partner in every sense of the word.
It is suggested that you can write your H a letter informing him of how this is affecting you. Take the time to detail every emotion and feeling you are experiencing. The power of the written word is awesome and it can often put across what spoken words cannot.
I have been taught in my Alanon program both to detach and to set my boundaries. You should give some thought to both of these things because this allconsuming nightmare can play havoc with our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing if we allow it.
The most important thing right now is to take care of you! You need to look after your needs to build strength. When we are feeling strong we can do anything we put our minds to, believe that!
Keep coming back! There are lots of wonderful, wise people here who can relate to everything you are experiencing. They are here to support you and to cheer you on with absolutely no hesitation!
...thinking of you...
Jenn

[NewHope10]

Hi SimplyMe. I am an SO (wife) of a PA. As I read through your intro, I felt your pain. A pain that I can truly relate to. Although our stories may be similar...or somewhat different - our feelings and actions are the same (from what I can tell).

You are not alone. I find that I am saying this more and more to the newcomers here - but it is something that helped me feel like I wasn't going crazy. We really are not alone.

I was like you. When I first met my H, I knew he watched P and really didn't think too much of it. Because of a previous marriage (and me catching him doing other things on the computer) - I would occassionally look at what my current H was looking at. There were times when I would think, "Man...does this guy ever look at a lot of P!" Still...not thinking too much of it. I did not know about PA at the time. Then...the things that he started looking at really upset me. Actually angered me. It made me feel "less than". It made me wonder...why on earth would he choose to be with me - when its clear that from what he's looking at...they aren't anything like me! Then the confrontations started - and the promises he gave started (and ended...and started and ended...and so-on).

I'm sorry for everything that you have gone through and everything you continue to go through. You have come to a good and safe place. A place where so many others know what its like. A place where you can get answers...support...and where you can vent as loud as you want!

[SimplyMe]

Thanks Cupecakemomma, more than anything I just need people who understand.

[SimplyMe]

Jenn, Thanks for your advice. I always do write my H letters, I find it much better to express myself that way because I can take the time to think through what I am saying, usually if I confront him verbally it just goes bad, and I usually end up not saying all that I want. You said that you have been taught to detach, I'm not sure how to do that. I thought before that leaving was the answer, but that just left a tremendous void in my soul, after having been with my H for 16 years at the time.

[SimplyMe]

NeedHope, I can relate to that name, Thank you so much for sharing, and for your comforting words. My greatest hope is that the light will come on for my H and he will truly understand how hurtful this is to me and to our relationship.

[JenMac]

HI SimplyMe!
Detachment does not necessarily mean leaving. It means setting your mind in order so that you can work on your own recovery regardless of whether the addict is still using or not. It means building strength within yourself, abling yourself to carry on with your life and even to find happiness. It is up to the individual whether they can continue on in the relationship and find that peace and happiness. Detaching is also about not enabling the addict and taking on their responsibilities. But mostly it is about our mindset, about recognizing that this is their problem and not ours! I wasn't very good at detachment in the beginning, either with the alcoholic in my life or my H. But I 'faked it til I made' it, if you will.
Detachment is HARD! But even little steps you take towards letting go of the situation will help you. Try not to become completely buried in the issue. Look after yourself! Do nice things for yourself! Little things - a walk in nature, a long soak in the tub, a good book, a new sweater, an old hobby revisited...whatever will take you away from the issues at hand if only for a little while.
Becoming stronger will eventually make it easier for you to stand up for yourself and make those decisions that you will want to make. Also changing ourselves can often affect change in those around us! It's true, I've seen it happen many times!
All the best to you SimplyMe! I am wishing you well!
Jenn

[Daniel]

SimplyMe,

I cannot let your heart-breaking introductory post go by without offering you at least a brief glimpse with what's going on in your H's head.

He is getting so high on the dopamine rush from constant P use that he needs more and more and more to maintain the high he got last year.

He is completely awash in rationalizations, has managed to 'suck you in' on his P habit (if you can't beat 'em join 'em model of coping I understand), and he continues on his drug of choice while you are destroyed.

Right now he is unreachable. He is completely hooked. He has a major major problem.

What he is doing is WRONG. It's PAINFUL to those who love him most. It's harmful in nearly every possible way. Any argument otherwise is a rationalization in my opinion.

If he could see the real human tragedy behind those P scenes (probably not but for example), if he could see the human wreckage created by people who are putting profits and making a buck ahead of literally Everything -the abuse, the exploitation. Don't get me started.

Why didn't he throw a fit when you said you were leaving? Because he could see unimpeded hours upon countless hours of feeding his addiction.

It seems to me that his life is currently structured around how and where he will get his next fix. Every PA I know here will testify to this truth when they were actively using.

You say you have written him letters.

This is what usually makes a porn addict (PA) crack and finally break. It has been reported numerous times on this site (See FoolishMind's journal for a good example -around page 1).

The fact that your H has (apparently) brushed aside your attempts to bare your soul tells me he is pretty far in.

When you say he watched P while Son was in the same room! This is totally unbelievable. I understand some will consider duplicity as being equally bad (sneaking etc.) and I agree. But this is made all the worse for the utter disregard for the impact it could make on Son. Mefree has reported this issue from the Son's standpoint in his journal FYI.

Add to this that your H seems to be in "escalation" in a big way.

He uses P, mags, then online, then videos, then chat rooms, then phone encounters, and then...? You can see where this is going.

Not every PA runs the escalation treadmill but obviously some do. And I would add there's no such thing as a good way to be a PA.

I will not say there is no hope, because there always is and God (depending on your worldview) is still in the miracle-peforming business.

You MUST, HAVE TO, consider the emotional and psychological well-being of your son and you first and foremost.

Do what JenMac suggested. Take some time. Run the numbers. Think through some plans. Do what's comfortable for you.

But keep in mind it's not just you but Son also, and you need to do what's best for both of you to remain stable, sane, and successful as valuable people.

We're rooting for you. Many of the SOs can quickly relate to you. Take strength and be encouraged.

Prayers for you and your son and your H,

Daniel

[SimplyMe]

Thanks Daniel, for the insight. Perhaps you can tell me if I am right or wrong in what I am doing. I have been checking his internet history since about a month ago (mentioned this in the last paragragh of my intro) and was finding nothing for awhile, was getting to the point that I relaxed and opted out of checking on him to work on a quilt, I felt great. But then the next day I checked and still nothing, but a thought popped into my head. He could be looking at it under one of the other log ins on the computer(we have 4) so I checked the guest log in first and sure enough he had a site listed in the favorites and a few visits to other ones on his history. The fact that he devised this little plan told me that this is far from over. I wanted to see just how far he would go with it, so I faked him out and wrote him and told him that I was proud of him for not looking at any P since I confronted him about it. (not a total lie, cause as i said a few verses 50 that is a step in the right direction) but I need to know that it is going to last. Is it a bad thing for me to be checking on him and not telling him I know? By the way today was a success for him too. I worked longer than usual and that is his usual time for accessing the computer, yet I found only one thing. In response to my email he told me that the e-mails he gets from these sites are a great temptation. I have found no easy way to block them, not very computer savvy.
Bitter sweet the impact H's PA, and general attitude toward women has had on our son. He is 19 by the way. He has little respect for my H because of this. He told me the other day that he would never do that, he thinks it is disgusting. He is moving out in a week and a half, going to tech school.