My journal

[Cupcakemomma]

Not sure where to start this. I have a journal, I have always had a journal. I just never really let anyone see that far into my head. My bf once read a few pages, and was convinced I had bi-polar disorder because the way I express feelings can be very dark and detached. Thats always the way I have written. It's not just the journals though, my fiction and petry take on the same feel, but apparently depression makes good art. LOL. Anyway, I came to this forum to seek out help and support for myself, and maybe if I can work up enough courage to tell bf a place for him to start figuring stuff out. We are kinda at a weird point in our relationship, and he isn't really sure where he stands. He has acknowledged that he has an addiction, he just doesnt seem to understand why it's a problem.. He sees that I'm upset but doesn't really seem to be interested in trying to stop, though I kinda feel like it might be partly my fault as I have been a terrible enabler, offering ridiculous short term solutions and"deals". I just wind up more hurt and depressed. I am not prepared to leave, and he knows it, so he just doesnt try. But things are getting progressivly worse and he is seeking more extreme things and has now carried the crappy, sneaky behaviour over into real life, talking with real people. I'm terrified that if something doesnt give soon, it will go further still to in-person stuff. I know I would leave then, but why does it have to come to that? I just don't know how to make him see the damage his addiction is causing. He is so wrapped up that he is blind to everything around him. And I am exhausted from trying to make everything ok.#:-s

[Cupcakemomma]

I really really hope noone takes offense to the rant I am about to go, but I just feel like I need to scream right now and I want to kick stuff, so to protect my poor, innocent toes, I made a decision to write instead. My PA works out of town. A LOT. I know this has led to furthering his destructive behaviour because he is alone, in an unfamiliar town. Because he is out of town so much we rely heavily on the internet to facilitate communication. We use facebook a lot. Well, just now, I was waiting for him to come on on his lunch break like he usually does, and I was looking at his profile, and there it was, he has "liked" another group in relation to his addiction. I want to puke and yell and break shit. He isnt even trying to hide it. Its rigght there for everyone to see. I can't handle this shit anymore. I used to feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, now I just feel old and used up. Everytime I haave to see the images he is looking at I want to run to the nearest plastic surgeon. I'm disgusted with him and myself, and I know that the instatn I confront him he is going to start the game again. He will blame any number of things, ie: Me, his job, his stress, the boredom, the fact that I wont do things like those girls will etc. How can he just not get that this vile crap is ruining our life together? Or is he just in so deep he can't care? I am soo tired of his P taking precedence over me. I can't live with the feelings it evokes in me. I need to get some control over my thoughts and emotions. Aaaaahhhhhh. ~X(

[Charly22]

I must say, I've been exactly where you are! Still am sometimes! As if we are expected to accept it or leave! I'm here to say...it doesn't have to be that way.....we don't have to accept it. And I think it is obvious that you cannot accept it.

Have you ever taken the time to write him a letter? A letter explaining why this affects you the way it does? I've learned that it's important to not finger point and accuse and bash him, but express this pain to him in a letter. It's one of the first pieces of advice I learned here.

And I encourage you to set boundaries now, by that I mean...no longer allow yourself to make deals, or give in. If you read my journal (whew, its a long one) you'll find that I made those same mistakes. Even after coming here, I wanted so bad to be pleasing in his eyes. With p addiction, you will fall into an abyss trying to do this. There is no pleasing.

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with right now.......

But I think if you can just decide to take one step.....one step at at time...but right now...one step...take some action, you will feel better. Write him a letter, takea few days to stew over it if you have to....decide what you will no longer tolerate.....decide and stand there.........

[Cupcakemomma]

Thank you. You are too right. I can't just accept it anymore. The major issue we are facing right now is that although he knows how it makes me feel, and I have written him a letter, and tryed to explain the exact effect it has on me, he can't seem to see past it. But we both know that leaving isn't and never has been an option for me. I don't want to have to force the choice, I want him to make it for himself. I know that it is kinda a lose lose situation. If I don't force the issue, he may never get there, but I know from past issues with a family members long time substance problem and my own thankfully brief substance issues, that until you see the problem as what it is, it can't be dealt with. I think I'm more mad at myself for not being able to get through to him than anything else.
But thats my own issue, so my big step for today was to get up and get dressed and now, I'm going to the bookstore because I need a treat :)
Thanks for hearing my rant and understanding. It feels remarkable to know I have somewhere to turn in all the isolation.

[JenMac]

HI CCM!
Sorry you are feeling angry/hostile! It is hard to discover 'new' things, isn't it? Is this, in fact, a new thing? or has it been there a while?
Has your H committed to recovery or is he still in denial?
Sorry if I have missed some info as I haven't been here all day.
Having our Hs out of town is difficult. It is difficult at the best of times and when we are going through this, it feels terrible. Our trust issues are huge in relation to their addiction and our minds can play havoc when they are home, let alone when they go away!
Facebood has been mentioned here by many, in that it can be a problem for the PA when they are trying their best to recover. Also just being on the computer for unspecified reasons can also be a problem. Many have to limit their use of the computer. Have you talked about installing a filter program? I know K9 blocks facebood unless you set it up to accept it.

As to how you are feeling about yourself in response to all of this. I think we all will go there if we let ourselves. It is very hard not to. However, we must try to remember that this is their addiction, their problem and not ours. While it is hard to believe it has nothing to do with us, that is exactly what we need to tell ourselves. They have immersed themselves in this unreal world. They have learned to move away from reality and the love and connection they can feel with a real life person. How sad is that, really? Look at all of the beautiful Hollywood wives who are experiencing the same heartache. They are stunning but this has still happened to them, how do we explain that when we feel we are not enough? This is not your addiction, not your fault but it becomes your cross to bear if you let it.
If you do not believe your H is ready or willing to committ to recover, there are decisions you will need to make. They are yours alone to decide. For me, I knew I would not live with this in my life. I told my H within 24 hours of the discovery this very thing. After 30+ years of marriage that is a hard thing to say but I meant it and he knew that. I set my boundaries and he had to make decisions too. He committed to a path of recovery and I committed to staying as long as I saw us moving forward. It has been a real learning experience, a diffciult journey but we are here 6 months later, stronger, wiser, closer.
You CCW should feel safe and loved within your relationship! Without that we are left with pain, stress and sorrow. Not a healthy way to live, in my estimation.
...thinking of you CCM...
Jenn

[JenMac]

CCM,
When they are in the midst of the addiction, they sometimes can't see it for all it is. They need to step away from it for a while to see it for what it is, to see what it has done to themselves, to you and to the relationship. So yes, sometimes it does take taking a hard stand to jolt them back to reality. But only if you are prepared to follow through. You have to be in that place where you are ready. I was. I knew it in my heart and I stll know, I will not go back there.
You say you are mad at yourself that you can't get through to him. Any recovery program teaches us that we have no control over that. I have seen many loving people try and try to get through to an addict. It is only after we learn to detach that we can see how ineffective this really is. They have to reach a bottom before they feel ready to move on in many cases. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself by expecting to get through to him. Unfortunately we don't have that power!
As Charly said, one step at a time! Enjoy that bookstore!
Jenn

[Cupcakemomma]

I am bawling like an infant right now. I don't even know what to think. What I know is:
-The recent "addition" on his FB is within the last 36 hours.
-He is half way between denial and acceptance without wanting to recover.
-I am losing my damn mind
-He keeps doing what I allow him to do
-I'm scared that if I make an ultimatum, I will have to follow through.
-I am scared because I have no idea where I would go or how I would be able to parent through the pain of leaving.
-I'm scared that if I leave I will have to explain to my sons WHY we are leaving. They don't really know about it yet, though my eldest has seen porn, and I'm scared that if he learns more about it I will be dealing with 2 PAs instead of just one.
-The final thing I know is that I'm basiclly at the point were fear has consumed every part of me and I'm way too confused to make rational decisions for myself.
Hope I don't make anyone nuts with all my backwards logic, but it feels good to let it out and know that SOMEONE can hear me, even if it isnt the person I want to know.

[Hopeful]

Hi Cupcakemomma,

You are not losing your mind. This is a very very scary thing to go through.

I really think you should take Charly's advice and write him a letter spelling out exactly every feeling this has brought to you. Take a few days to do it. It is easier to get it on paper than trying to do it face to face in the beginning. It's hard to keep a train of thought going and when you can take the time to think and write it down, it's easier to get your point across. Tell him how he's hurt you and disrespected you.

Once he realizes just how much pain he has caused you, he'll be able to make the decision to make changes in himself. They really have to see what kind of man they have turned into to be able to not want to be that person anymore.

It's not easy....it's a long road....but there is hope.

Best Wishes CCM~

[JenMac]

Hey CCM!
I learned at Alanon, no decision can be a decision. You can make the decision to make no decision at this time. You need to be able to make decisions with a clear head and with knowing how you will take care of yourself and your children. You can take the time to put a game plan in place.
I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and sad. It is a terrible position we find ourselves in! It takes time before we feel a little stronger and are able to make decisions that will be in our best interests. Take the time you need and in the meantime, think about your boundaries and what you can accept and what you cannot.
It's a tough road but you can get through it!
We are here for you and praying for strength and wellbeing for you!
Jenn

[Cupcakemomma]

Thank you guys all so much. I am feeling about a million times calmer now. I think that is the best advice I have ever recieved to just make no decision right now, takes a whole lot of pressure off of me and I think thats what I need. And now that I have been to the bookstore I have a wonderful new cookbook, so I think I will just stop my brain and indulge in some ridiculously high fat gooey-ness and wait for my little men to come home from school to share. Thanks for listening and encouraging me. It is really amazing how strong you all are after having been where I am now. Gives me something to look forward to.