My New Journal

[artist]

I am new to the forum although I've posted a few times in the last week or so.

My PA is going to SAA meetings and seemed to enjoy filling out his circles of behavior etc. He believes his problems also stem from him starting to MB while he was still in his unhappy marriage. But as I pointed out to him he has been divorced from this XW for 5 years. Then he said him being alone a lot of the time and his pressures with his work don't help.

I could give a crap about his excuses. It has impacted me immensely, I feel fat again even though I only weigh 108 lbs. I don't find myself sexy anymore and even though I miss sex, I don't want to have it with him. For the past year, I've dealt with his ED and not being about to ejaculate with me, thinking it was me the entire time. I was too much somehow, or I asked for it too often. I don't know if I can trust him. We were supposed to get engaged and I broke it off. I gave him an ultimatum that he had to deal with his addiction through recovery (not cold turkey or white knuckling it.) Been there done that with my pass Alcoholic husband.

My fears are why the hell do I chose addicts even though I've gone to Al-anon for the past 6 years. I didn't see this one coming. This makes me re-live all the BS, lies and untrustworthy actions of my XA. When I met my PA he was the sweetest, most honest (ha) person I thought I knew. He was thoughtful and still is. He has never blamed me for this and said he had this problem before me.

I don't live with him, so I think about what the hell he is up to at night. Its terrible. For all I know he could be lying to me now. I hate being lied to, I dealt with it for years, and nothing ever got any better. My xah will die with a bottle in his hand and try to take my son down with him. I did get out from underneath that one, and could finally really leave the alcoholism up to xah. I think I'm pissed off that I have to do it all over again. It makes me just want to bolt and not wait around to be let down again.=((. I also don't want to watch over his recovery. I can't be bothered. He wants me to be close with him so we can "deal with this together" but I really don't know if I want to.

[2frustrated]

Good for you standing up for yourself! Admirable.

Is this guy signed up on this website yet? Him having a daily journal would help with the trust problem.

[debv]

Welcome. As one of our members says, no one wants to be here, but this is the best place in the world to be if you find yourself an SO to a PA.

Only you can decide whether to stick it out with your BF or whether you should leave. That said, he sounds like he's taking postive steps by admitting he has a problem and joining SAA. From your description, he's already doing better than your ex with his alcoholism. I can understand your fear of being hurt again, heck I'm still there with my H and he's been sober 10+ months now. I can also understand your concern about having repeated the past; I've been married 21 years and with my H several years before that, but my prior BF (in high school) was abusive verbally and physically. My H has been abusive verbally too, though not so much physically, but mainly because he lived out the desire for physically abusing me through watching physically abusive P. I too wonder what's wrong with me that I've allowed history to repeat itself.

[artist]

thank you both for replying. I definitely know my BF is taking responsibility for his problem. Like I said he has never blamed me for it directly, I've taken that on myself. Believe me, my PA is nothing like my XAH. Yet I still have those fears that it won't get better. The "what ifs" are still in my head. I'm trying very hard to apply the 12 steps in this situation as well, it is just too familiar. I'm afraid I'm going to close down. It was the only way I could get away from my abusive XAH. I really don't want this relationship to go out the window, but I do need time, so see just what he is going to do with this.

[artist]

I woke up this morning and read some of my cosa literature. I realize that taking my own inventory and setting boundaries. I need to take the focus off of my PA and leave him to his own recovery. As of this minute I've been able to do that. It least my recovery feels good right now. I have faith. I'll get better and get through this by learning a lot about myself and grow and I hope that he is able to join me.