vintageturtle's journal

[vintageturtle]

I'm new here, but I'm going to jump in with a journal to get me started.

About 6 months ago, shortly after our 11-year anniversary, my dh told me about his PA. He thought that I had suspected that he had a problem, but I really had no clue. It was a complete shock. We both had the same stance on P, that we avoided it in all forms; we don't watch R-rated movies and avoid many pg-13 movies that have scenes or language that is too much for us. But about a year after we married, we bought a home computer, and not long after that, dh's problems began. He also told me that beyond viewing p, he had occasionally had brief, flirty encounters with women while he was out. He said that there was no touching and these encounters were very short, and that they only happened in situations where it wouldn't easily escalate into anything else. I don't think he considers it cheating or infidelity, but I do. We've moved a few times during our marriage, and apparently dh worked at getting a new job in a new city twice to get him away from triggers.

The news was shocking; I didn't handle it well. I was less than 6 months post partum, too, and had been struggling with the baby blues, which had probably already turned into mild postpartum depression at that point. Because he was busy at work, my dh couldn't give me a lot of extra help with the kids so that I could have time to myself. I'm a sahm and felt like a huge idiot for trusting dh and putting myself in a vulnerable position so we could have a parent at home with the kids. I wasn't sure if I was going to stay or not. I felt like our relationship was over.

When my dh told me, he had just started on a 12-step program for SA through a book; he went on to confess to our local church leader and find a counselor to work through the steps with him. He committed to telling or phoning me whenever he encountered a trigger or felt a pull to relapse. Seeing him putting himself out there, seeking help, etc. really helped me to start forgiving him. I decided that I was going to stay with him and help him through it. We spent a lot of time together, talking and talking and talking. Dh was relieved and grateful and feeling great about getting free of his addiction. I felt fragile and bewildered and jumpy and mistrustful. And angry. And I felt like I couldn't express anything negative, or else it might discourage dh and he would give up.

He continued with counseling; I went along for a few sessions recently. I've done some reading about PA and the recommended steps for breaking it. Things got better. I knew that I needed support, but it was always difficult to pursue it. In the beginning, especially, I acted out in some negative ways. Eating for comfort, surfing for fluff on the internet (like humour sites) to distract myself, shopping. I did things that I knew would annoy my dh, telling myself I shouldn't have to go out of my way to make his life easier. The shopping was out of control for a bit, to the point where we had a couple of months where it was difficult to make ends meet. So, now I'm working on finding positive ways to feel supported and comforted.

Dh had a few relapses in the last month; it seemed like he was doing so well, and then suddenly he had to confess to me a few times. It was never for more than a few minutes at a time. But we sat down and talked earlier this week; I told him it seemed that he was slipping more often, and is there anything that I can do to help? We've become more strict with the computer; right now, he can't access the internet if I haven't signed in. He's much more tech-savvy than I am, so I'm trusting him here, but he said that he has set it up so that he can't hack it. We're also getting rid of our tv; he has stumbled across some p there late at night, and now that he knows when it's likely to be on, he's worried that it will be difficult to avoid.

I had been much better, emotionally, and then I started feeling like I had in the beginning -- weepy, unable to think about anything else, difficulty caring for my kids & home. I thought that talking with him would help, and I did feel really good after we talked, but during the day when he's gone and I'm on my own with the kids, I'm a mess again. I think that part of the problem is that, from the beginning, I've only processed the p, and not the encounters. I can remember avoiding thinking about it because it was too much. I have forgiven him for the p and can understand the addiction, to an extent; I can't bear to think about anything more than that, and it's catching up with me.

I'm so glad to have found this forum; feeling so isolated and alone hasn't been helping.

[Sonomette]

I'm very glad you're here. Just to find out that you're not alone in this-- that you aren't the only one feeling like your world has been turned upside down-- is a great start. The isolation from PA addiction is tough, and so filled with shame and anger and sadness that it's tough to even know who to talk to or where to begin.

Keep journalling, and maybe suggest that your hubby join the site too, if he's open to that idea. I am amazed at the progress my PA hubby and I have made in the last month (we're still new too) and I owe a lot of it to this site.

Keep your chin up!

[Charly22]

I had been much better, emotionally, and then I started feeling like I had in the beginning --

I can really understand how you feel right now, I have been on that roller coaster for quite awhile now.....did alot of things wrong though all of this...learned alot here......gained alot of knowledge, inspiration, strenght and most importantly, others who understand exactly what I am going through, instead of having to feel like I am the only one who has to feel the way I do.

Hoping you can find some sunshine and happy days in the midst of where you are right now......it can be done.....

Thanks for sharing

[JenMac]

Hi VT!
Thank you for sharing your story! I am sorry for all of the pain you have been experiencing! It is a difficult place we find ourselves in.
I have experienced the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and not being able to keep up with the demands of everyday life, and I do not have small children to care for in my home.
I hope you will find it helpful as you take part in this site and perhaps your H would join as well. There are several couples on here who seem to find it encouraging as we struggle through this.
All the best VT!
Keep coming back!
Jenn

[vintageturtle]

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. It means a lot to me, more than I would have guessed. I'm tearing up, but they're good tears, which is a nice change.

[heavysigh]

It's encouraging to hear he approached you first as opposed to finding out yourself. That doesn't make hearing it any easier though. Good luck to the both of you!

[Kathy]

Hello VT - wow...you husband came to you - that is great! What a start/commitment to your marriage/relationship. Yes, it's a shocker, and I am sure like a majority of us SO's, you too were sick to your stomach, angry and very hurt!!! We feel the pain...TTF is wonderful. It has has helped me so much in realizing that I am not alone and "crazy"...please feel free to read my journal (Kathy - it's been a week; I know, not a good title..I want to try and change it, but not sure how) and my husband's journal (Chasman62)...he has struggled with 'p' for over 10 years and here I thought it was only 6 or 7 years, NOT!!!

Anyway, in due time you will get the trust back from your husband. Take care - we are all here for you/each other....

Kathy

[vintageturtle]

Yes, heavysigh, you're right, and I am thankful for that. And he was well-prepared before he confessed to me; he had an action plan in place that he could present to me and was able to answer my questions. He had also done some reading about the needs and common reactions of SOs, had read up on the stages of grief, and encouraged me right from the beginning to speak with a counselor or join a support group.

Jenn, I'm not sure how he would feel about joining here. He doesn't actually spend much time online. I have been considering suggesting it to him, though, especially now that he has worked through the steps with his counselor and they have finished their sessions.

[vintageturtle]

Thanks for the welcome, Kathy. I must be slow at posting -- I didn't see your reply before I posted. I'm gradually working my way through the journals; I'm amazed that over and over again, people are writing exactly what I have been feeling. Such a relief to know it's not just me.

[Hopeful]

Hi Vintageturtle,

I think it is important that he came to you and told you. There will never be a good way to find this out I guess. The feelings are overwhelming.

All I can say is that...thank goodness you found your way here. There are so many
caring people and resources to help you get through this.

It won't be easy but it will be comforting with the help of others.

Take advantage of everything here...it will help you ask the right questions and get your feelings out in the open.

Take care~