vintageturtle's journal

[vintageturtle]

I think that, for the most part, yesterday was a good day, all things considered. I moped a lot, and didn't get much done around the house, and the kids watched two movies and we picked up subs for dinner, but I didn't burst into hurt tears that I couldn't keep in and I didn't dwell too much on negativity. I think it helped that after we had that talk about the live stuff, I pushed myself a bit to let H comfort me. Usually, I follow a pattern of staying distant for a while. I feel like in the past, I have needed that time, but it also hurts both of us. I feel like P has hurt us, and then keeps us from being able to comfort each other. This time, I decided I wouldn't let it take away my source of comfort. I really think it helped. I still think I was right to keep my distance when I needed it in the past, but this time, I closed the distance much sooner.

We had a bit of a rough patch in the evening, not even about the P but just a result of each of us not knowing what the other's plan for the evening was and feeling like we were wasting our time together. Pretty silly thing to get upset about, but we talked it over right away. I was surprised at how strong my hurt was over it. I had been in a pretty good mood for most of the day, and then one little bump and I was stomping around the house and pouting and making a point of not being in the same room as H.

After he apologized, we sat down to read scriptures together. I said I thought it would work for me to read out loud to him; he does better with listening and I have to see the words in front of me or I don't pay attention, so it's probably a good solution. I started in on this week's reading for our church's Sunday school. This year, they are studying the Old Testament, and the reading for this week was from Jeremiah. Before I finished the first sentence, H said, "OK, catch me up... what is this about?" and I started to explain, but he said no, it starts at Adam and Eve, right? Once I realized he seriously wanted a recap right from the start, I started in, and then the toddler woke up so I went up and put him back to sleep, and by the time I came back down, H was asleep on the couch. So -- we'll try again today.

Today, I'm thankful for leftovers and the chance to make plans for our little trip.

[vintageturtle]

Arg. I've been feeling so... anchorless? Directionless? today. My mind just goes around and around in circles, having the same discussion over and over again. I ask myself the same questions and whine that it's not fair and worry that H will lapse or just decide to not try. I have all the answers, about separating the person from the addiction and he's now choosing to overcome his addiction and he's successful now and I only need to worry about today right now and I can forgive him if he keeps working at it and get past this and we will feel normal again and if God can forgive him, I can draw on that and forgive him, too. I'm tired of feeling sad. I want to get past this. I know I can't force it. I'm tired of what it's doing to my kids, I don't want to give P more than it has already taken. But how can I not worry about H lapsing -- he obviously didn't care enough not to hurt and betray me before, how can I trust that anything is different now? How can I put my trust and love in a person who cared for it so little that he spent hours upon hours pursuing P and looking for other women? That's where I always end up. And I try to start over again, working on feeling those things and letting them go because they don't make me happy and I want to move on. I believe that people can make mistakes and then decide to change and move on. I'm not perfect, so I have that hope for myself, too. I can have that hope for H, and look forward, not back.

I think it's just going to take time. It almost feels like I have to keep practicing that positive talk until my mind goes there automatically, without all of this effort. But it's so draining. It's hard work.

I think the difficulty I have dealing with the anger and depression etc. makes it harder for me to have hope that my H will recover. I'm working on my own recovery, and it is slow going. I have been 'acting out' in a way, using coping behaviours that aren't helpful, and I'm trying to change those habits. If P use starts as a coping mechanism for an unmet need, and is addictive and needs to be overcome, then that seems pretty similar to what I'm going through. And I fail all the time. I want to start cooking more meals, but it's so overwhelming to think about the work and time and clean up involved. We're having cold meat sandwiches for dinner again. I'm so far behind on the housework, although having things at least tidy and somewhat orderly makes everyone's day better. I know I need to do more fun stuff with the kids. I rarely read bedtime stories now. Again and again I think, today I need to pull myself up out of this fog, get with it. Again and again I fall back on my coping mechanisms, things that let me feel like I'm escaping having to think about difficult things. What if overcoming his PA is this difficult for my H? I know that P use is a bigger betrayal than having pbj for dinner or snapping at the kids, but there are lots of skating behaviours that don't seem like a big deal. Just like letting myself 'take it easy' doesn't seem like such a big deal.

I'm rambling again. I think I've been spending too much time in my head. Time for a fluffy comedy tonight, I think.

[Charly22]

Today I was thinking about how I probably need "a plan" for myself too. I preach to him about needing one. And it dawned on me today, while trying to dig myself out of the fog as well, and about how I keep ending up in that fog, as you mentioned, what's my plan? What's my plan for these times?

And then there's the logic and emotion. We know what we need to do, what we need to remind ourselves of, we know these things logically, but not until we have the emotion to put behind it can the logic go to work. What's our inspiration?

I draw alot of inspiration here, sharing and reading, just like you.

I hope tomorrow, we can paint ourselves a different color.....

And let us not forget the "up week" that's coming next week, according to the so's....looking forward to it!

[Hopeful]

VT,

Unfortunately it is gonna take time. You've just started this journey and are in the thick of it right now. Believe me, nothing terrible is gonna happen if the housework doesn't get done or you don't have the energy to make a meal. At certain times over the past 7 months I have put those same pressures on myself and it only ended up magnifying my depression. Just getting through the day at times was tough enough without having to worry about what I didn't do. After all....it will wait until you feel good enough inside to get around to it, it's not going anywhere....there's no rush.

Right now you just have to worry about the important things. Working on your relationship and your children.

I also worried constantly about trusting and believing him but only he can help you with that one. Even then, it's hard to accept but if he really is recovering, then some of these thoughts will diminish little by little. It takes time.

Sorry you're feeling down today.

[Cupcakemomma]

Again and again I think, today I need to pull myself up out of this fog, get with it. Again and again I fall back on my coping mechanisms, things that let me feel like I'm escaping having to think about difficult things.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!! Thanks VT, you always make so much sense.:D
Sorry you are having a tough day, but don't feel bad about the sandwiches, honestly. As long as the need is met, who cares how we meet it. We have beans on toast or kd and hot dogs more often than I care to mention...

[JenMac]

Hi VT!
I haven't done anything for months!! Nothing that amounts to anything anyway.
This totally knocked the stuffing out of me!
Lucky for us, there is only us to worry about. No small kids, no elderly parents who need us at the moment. I don't know how you guys with small kids do it! I don't know if I could manage all of it. I guess I would have to though. It seems I have just pushed everything aside. But you know what? That is okay! This is what I need to do at this moment and I will not apologize for it. This has been one of the biggest challenges I have had to live through and I am going to give myself the time I require to move ahead from it.
Yes, I do feel better when my house is spotlessly clean but right now I hardly notice. Lucky for me, Mac is feeling inspired at times to try to keep up! lol.
Go easy on yourself. The energy will return when you feel stronger and more able. For the moment, enjoy those pbj sandwiches for dinner! Doesn't matter in the least! Think of how great you will feel when that energy returns and you feel like making a nice dinner again!
All in good time, all in good time!!
Take care!
Jenn

[vintageturtle]

Thanks so much, everyone. Your support means a lot.

Charly, I make the same distinction, between what I feel/believe intellectually vs emotionally, often when I'm talking with my H. There can be such a huge gap between them, and that's what makes me feel really agitated or unsettled. I think the process of 'working through' things is really getting my intellectual and my emotional beliefs to be the same.

Hopeful, I know you're right, about this being early on in my recovery, and pushing being something that can magnify depression, and that my H is the only one who can help me trust him again. And I need to keep hearing it, so thanks for putting it so well.

CCM, I'm glad you mentioned kd! My kids love that, and my oldest can do most of the work on his own. I'm going to pick up a bunch today. Do you guys put anything in it to make it 'fancy'? I'll sometimes put in tuna or chopped weiners, but I haven't thought of anything else.

Jenn, you're right, and I shouldn't underestimate the difficulty of this. Things will get better. Things were starting to get better before my H encountered some triggers and (according to him) he was being somewhat prideful about how far he had come and didn't think he needed to work as hard at his recovery any more. So he lapsed. And then we had a couple of conversations that turned things upside down again for me. I feel like I'm always writing here that it's so difficult, and always thinking that, but not really understanding it. I also think that I try to get back to 'normal' all at once, and so when I fail, I feel like it was all a wasted effort and don't try at all. I need to make small goals and celebrate those small victories.

[Hopeful]

he was being somewhat prideful about how far he had come and didn't think he needed to work as hard at his recovery any more.

Good Morning VT,

When Rock started feeling that exact way I sent him the 14 types of Denial. It helped him to realize that he still had a lot of work to do.

I hope today is a better day for you~~

[vintageturtle]

H and I talked more last night. I kept talking and talking and talking. I don't know why, but lately, I feel like our conversations aren't accomplishing much, so I keep on trying to talk to try to get to a point where we've accomplished something. I know what I want -- I want to blow up at H and yell at him and tell him how much he's hurt me, so he will react and be hurt and promise that he will never do it again, and tell me how wrong and horrible it was of him to hurt me so much. I want him to explain what he was thinking so I can understand it. He has been open and I think he has gone into as much detail as is helpful for me; more would probably make things worse for me. I know he has said in the past that he keeps his emotional reactions under control, because he doesn't think it's fair to me if he is 'indulging' his emotions, that he should be strong and available to comfort me without focusing on himself.

I also want huge, showy declarations of love and devotion. I mean, he has told me clearly how much he loves me, has said wonderful things, and has shown me affection. But part of me feels like, I don't know, that was yesterday or last week... what about today? I'm not sure how to express this. In the beginning, he was so concerned with how I felt, physically and emotionally. I guess I feel like if he's moving on and taking time to paint the bathroom instead of making me dinner or sitting and listening to me talk, he's no longer working to prove that he loves me. Which is ridiculous, because pretty much everything he does is to support and help his family. If he's painting the bathroom, it's to help his family. And he does spend plenty of time listening to me talk.

One of the things we talked about last night was H joining this forum. I told him my concerns about him backsliding again, if he didn't have something daily that he worked on to keep him 'on the path.' In the end, after a big discussion, I was satisfied that his resistance to joining here wasn't about resisting something that would help him, but about not thinking that this was the right kind of help for him. He might see another therapist; he said the workbook that the counselor gave him was helpful, but the counselor himself wasn't a great fit for him. It wasn't detrimental going there, but it was more so that he had a specific time set aside to work on his issues. Over the course of the conversation, he talked about being busy and stressed and that one of the things that has helped his recovery was simplifying things so he didn't feel so behind all the time. He said that the only time he had left for participating in a forum was in the evening, when we spend time together, and he works hard all day long getting things done so we can have as much time together as possible, and he doesn't want to lose any of it.

We also talked about how things are different for him now compared to when he was using. We do spend more time together. He is more relaxed and confident. I still have some difficulty with this, thinking if he's working so hard so we can spend more time together now, what does that say about the time he spent using? Did he not love me then? And I go around on another negativity loop. I have to keep reminding myself that he chose to confess, he chose to stop using, and he's choosing a life with me and our family. That's what matters now, and I see the evidence of his efforts.

In the end, we compromised; he's going to spend a bit of time reading recovery journals here while we hang out together on the couch and I read something else.

Today, I'm thankful for grandparents who will be watching the kids while we go away for a little trip! :D And I'm thankful for my H. He's a wonderful guy. It occurred to me last night that H really, genuinely, never wants to hurt me. Nothing he has done, related to P or otherwise, has ever been about wanting to hurt me. But if I'm honest with myself, I have wanted to hurt him. After finding out about all this, I wanted to be mean to him. I wanted him to feel hurt like I felt. I wanted to push him away so that he would have to work at it to love me, so that he could prove it. And I know that if our positions were reversed, I don't believe that my H would want to hurt me. I don't think it would even occur to him. I don't know how I feel about that. Maybe it's futile to compare them, but really, what is worse -- doing something that hurt your spouse without ever wanting to hurt them, or wanting to hurt them out of anger? Sometimes I think I only succeed in not lashing out and hurting him because I know that ultimately, it would hurt me, because it wouldn't help H's recovery. And that feels so selfish to me.

I feel like I should add another thankful here... I'm thankful for our piano. I'm going to spend some time on it today.

[vintageturtle]

Thanks for the suggestion, Hopeful! I'll take a look at it.