vintageturtle's journal

[mell]

VT,

Thanks for sharing. It is so good to see you putting so much into your posting. The feelings you have, even if they don't seem justified (H waking you up) need to get out.

I am still very impressed by your H's recovery steps. And he is right - you need to work on your own recovery. It's not your fault you are here, but you are a victim and need to work through it. I'm glad to see the support you are getting. That's what makes this site so awesome. So many are willing to get in and share to help others out.

I think you are on a good path. Wishing you and your H success.

-Mell

[vintageturtle]

No, I am still not getting a lot done after almost 7 months time. I am not apologizing for that, I will take what I need. This is a very important event in my life. It is huge! And so I give myself the time I require. To visit here, to address my grief, to reconnect with my H. Everything else will be there waiting for me when I feel ready.

Thank you for this. I think I have resisted taking the time because I felt like it would take too much time away from my other obligations or that I should be able to deal with it and carry on with regular life. I mean, it's not fair that I have to deal with it at all, and so it's not fair that I would have to take time from other things, right? But I just ended up having some good days when things were 'normal' and bad days when I spent my time trying to distract myself from my hurt. And that really was wasted time, because it didn't help me deal with my hurt and heal it.

Yesterday was an awful day, and a real testament to me that I need to spend time on this. I was reading journals here in the morning, and they kept bringing stuff up for me, stuff that I have ignored to avoid dealing with. Trust and the effect of past relationships, mostly. I was in an abusive relationship as a teenager; it ended with him leaving me. I felt rejected but mostly relieved, and I wanted to put it behind me. I thought about it very little, though I have told my H a bit about what happened. Part of the problem was how manipulative he was. Everything was for him, even (and probably especially) when he said it was for me or because he loved me.

I thought I had put this all away and it wasn't affecting me, but I have been seeing lately how it has. I felt like the world's biggest idiot for believing the xbf's lies and falling for his manipulations. I thought that H and I were on the same page about P; it never occurred to me that he would look at it, ever. It wasn't even on my radar. I understood, intellectually, that women are cheated on all the time, by loving husbands whom they thought would never cheat. I realized that it was a possibility. So, for instance, I always had STD testing done whenever it was offered at a check up. And we took steps to protect our relationship, making sure we had time to connect and go on dates and whatnot. But I never really believed that H could do anything like that. I mean, he called me on his way home that night to see how I was feeling. Usually when he does that, he wants to veg out and watch a movie. He came home with a super chocolatey fancy cake and the expensive ice cream we rarely buy. I don't know if he was waffling about telling me, but we sat down in front of the computer like we were going to watch a movie. I felt loved -- he really seemed affectionate and caring and loving toward me. And then he started talking. I guess I can see now that confessing to me was caring and loving, but at the time, it felt like a punch in the gut. In the dark. From the person I'm supposed to trust the most.

Anyway, my point is, as I'm sure all of the SOs have felt, suddenly I didn't know who he was, or what our relationship meant. Is he an addict, hurt and needing help, or is he a manipulative jerk who is taking advantage of me? I wondered if it was even true, of if he was just telling me to see my reaction. Or if it was true, and he was telling me to hurt me.

I have to decide between trust and mistrust. Everyone does, in every relationship. I had decided to trust, even after a previous relationship made mistrust my default setting for the beginning of a relationship. This was a huge violation of that trust.

So yesterday, some reading here brought all of this up to the forefront for me. I wondered if I should seek counseling or what. I started wondering what I would say, how I would work through it, and started running through that conversation with the counselor in my mind. I was eating breakfast at the time, just going about my routine and thinking, and it just suddenly overwhelmed me. I couldn't stop crying. I've been weepy, especially in the first while after dh confessed, but if I were in a situation where I wasn't alone, I could control it, even if it was just to go to the bathroom for a good cry. This just came bursting out of me. I panicked. Then I managed to get control of myself. But the rest of the day I was teary and sad and tired and I felt so heavy. It was like one of the early days again.

I was so looking forward to H coming home. I wanted to hug him and cry and talk it out with him. I was worried, though; I figured I would probably just burst into tears when I saw him. But I didn't. When he was actually here, I felt silly, being so emotional. I still wanted comfort, but I had calmed down. I figured we could have a talk and some time together once the kids were in bed. But I didn't bring it up. We just watched tv until we were tired, and went to bed. There, I thought I would bring it up. But I couldn't. I don't know why. I want to. I know that H wants to be there for me, to comfort me, instead of me just carrying it all myself. I guess I'm not ready yet.

Yesterday, I also started reading a 12 steps for spouses of SAs workbook. That added to all of the emotion, I'm sure, but it was good, too. I know I need to make time for this workbook. I think that a way for me to open up to H will be to do the workbook in the evening when he's around.

[Charly22]

There, I thought I would bring it up. But I couldn't. I don't know why. I want to. I know that H wants to be there for me, to comfort me, instead of me just carrying it all myself. I guess I'm not ready yet.

It will come when it needs to, when you are ready. Just the fact that you are able to come here and let it out through journaling is a huge benefit, I know it is for me!

The emotions that I've dealt with through this issue are some of the strongest most overwhelming emotions I've ever had to feel and deal with in my life. Truly! It all snuck up on me. I held it in, and tried to accept and not stir the pot. This is what I've done all my life...I used to think it was a good quality, to be the peace keeper. I'm working on addressing things, being able to express myself without being confrontational. Ya see, I suppressed stuff, until it came roaring out like a massive storm.

I recognize that same thing in your description of your day yesterday. Sorry to hear that you felt panic. I can relate, and have been overwhelmed by all these emotions, fear, worry, and if you can keep expressing yourself here, gain more and more insight, gain more and more strength to look this monster in the eye....you benefit greatly for it.

Hang in there.....and walk in the sunshine!!!!

[Hopeful]

The emotions that I've dealt with through this issue are some of the strongest most overwhelming emotions I've ever had to feel and deal with in my life. Truly! It all snuck up on me. I held it in, and tried to accept and not stir the pot. This is what I've done all my life...I used to think it was a good quality, to be the peace keeper. I'm working on addressing things, being able to express myself without being confrontational. Ya see, I suppressed stuff, until it came roaring out like a massive storm.

Charly & VT,

I have often thought that it's strange that we all have these same qualities in common. Being the peace keeper & holding things in until we burst.

Today I just starting thinking that maybe we are all here because of our loving, caring, nurturing and forgiving qualities. It seems to be common feelings of the SO's.

We don't want to give up and will do everything in our power to make things right.....as long as the PA chooses to do it also.

So, being a peace keeper is just a small part of what we are and can be very beneficial to us at this tough time in our lives.

[Sonomette]

Thank you for this. I think I have resisted taking the time because I felt like it would take too much time away from my other obligations or that I should be able to deal with it and carry on with regular life. I mean, it's not fair that I have to deal with it at all, and so it's not fair that I would have to take time from other things, right? But I just ended up having some good days when things were 'normal' and bad days when I spent my time trying to distract myself from my hurt. And that really was wasted time, because it didn't help me deal with my hurt and heal it.

You know, I feel this way quite often--I think it's good that you're recognizing this! We all have to be able to find some sort of balance between too much and too little, and we all need to be able to heal at our own speeds. Think about it too much, and it's an obsession; think about it too little, and it's denial.

I think it's a lot like putting things on a scale-- the scales tip back and forth a little before they even out. But... they always do even out. I hope it's the same for healing. I hope that you and everyone else here will find their own version of "acceptable". :)

Thinking of you!

[vintageturtle]

Thanks, Sonomette -- it's funny, because I think (& worry) about finding balance a lot, but I never made a a connection with something visual like a scale. I tend to feel like it's only "right" when things are perfectly balanced; anything else is wrong. I don't acknowledge that those wobbles are the scale finding the balance point.

[Kathy]

Hey there VT - when my husband came to the states in 1987, he was introduced to sweet potato/marshmallow and swore he'd never eat it again...oh well...he just doesn't know a good thing when he sees/taste it! Our daughter and myself love sweet potato/red yams, but either in their jacket or mashed! Love the green bean casserole, but the kids don't...it's a pain trying to keep everyone happy! Turkey, gravy, potatoes, veg's and apple pie are the number #1 items over here! Our daughter already sent a message to let us know that there are 46 more days to our Thanksgiving! Guess she is craving for my cooking again!

Trust your day was relaxing with the family....

Kathy

[vintageturtle]

I actually like the sweet potato/marshmallow thing, which surprised me because I usually don't like veggies that are sweetened.

I never realized just how long it was between the two Thanksgivings! It seemed like the US Thanksgiving was just a bit later than the Canadian one, but it is more than a month later.

[vintageturtle]

I have been working on my 12-step workbook (still on the first one) and reading through another workbook that came in the mail -- it's similar, but much more thorough and more of a book. It's helpful, but takes a lot out of me. I'm also making more of an effort to put all that aside when I'm not working on the workbook, and be more present and available in the rest of my life. It's helping.

[vintageturtle]

I'm at the beginning of both workbooks, and they both talk about moving past feeling like a victim. I think that this is a big struggle for me. I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist, but I don't like failing at things either, and if I have an 'excuse' like "Oh, no wonder I can't keep up with the housework, I'm depressed because of H's actions," it feels safer. The books talk a lot about accepting your feelings, accepting the situation, and choosing your thoughts and actions instead of just reacting.

It's hard work. Sometimes, it feels as impossible to cheer up and focus on positive things as it is to just decide to be not sick anymore when you're in the middle of a stomach flu. But I can see that I do feel better when I make an effort. Sometimes, I think I just have to accept that I'm feeling down and ride it out as best I can; other times, I can decide to focus on something positive, do something good with my time and get my mind off feeling down.

I'm still having a hard time telling my H how I'm feeling. Things at work are stressful for him right now, so I'm trying not to make waves. His recovery seems to be going well now, too, so I don't want him to feel discouraged; I want him to feel supported and cheered on by me, not reminded of how much he has hurt me. I'm also worried that he's being less careful with triggers. He likes to watch tv to unwind after stressful days, and there is a show that we started watching recently. I actually suggested it, without finding out enough about it. We watched the pilot, and there was a bit of nudity, though it was blurred out. There were some other situations that didn't have nudity but I was worried they would be triggering, because they were still fairly explicit. I asked H, and he said it was fine. He wanted to watch the next one; I was uncomfortable with it. I'm trying to figure out the line between being assertive and being aggressive, which I want to avoid. I don't want to be bossy or paranoid, so I figured that letting him know I was concerned was enough; if he says it's not a trigger, I'll accept that.

But then, there was more in the next episode. So, now I'm going to be worried that he's got stuff on his mind and might slip up. Which leaves me feeling helpless. And that's because I am, but it's not my responsibility to make sure he doesn't slip up. So, I can use my energy to focus on the kids and my responsibilities here, instead of wasting it worrying about things I can't control.