vintageturtle's journal

[vintageturtle]

Writing in this journal and reading here today has brought to mind many of the thoughts, feelings, and experiences I had in the beginning. I remember that our laptop was open on the coffee table in front of us when H confessed to me. It didn't seem real at the time, and a couple of days later I got the idea in my head that maybe it was all a prank, that he had been recording us with the webcam and would pull a "You're on Candid Camera!" on me. Part of me knew that was ridiculous; part of me thought it wasn't much less ridiculous than what he confessed to doing.

It wasn't until a third party spoke with me about it that it really, truly, 100% felt real. I was sitting down to talk with a church leader (like a pastor) about something unrelated, and he asked me how I was doing. I thought he was just making small talk, so I answered with an "I'm fine; how are you?" He then -- gently -- told me that he had been speaking with my H about his problems. It totally caught me off guard, and I just about burst into tears. I felt off-kilter for the rest of the day, but I felt good, too, having spoken with someone on the 'outside' about it. I needed that reassurance that it was real, I think, just so I was sure I wasn't crazy.

My H has told me what his triggers are, as far as he can tell. About a month after he told me, we were out on our own together for the first time, and I thought that things at the place we were might be triggering for him. When we were inside, I was worried, but when we were heading outside, I just about panicked. For some reason, I thought it would be worse when we went outside. I was terrified. And I felt ridiculous; he wouldn't seek out someone to flirt with when I was right there..... right? But I was just terrified. And then we went outside, and nothing happened. And after a few minutes, we were still outside, and still, nothing happened. I gradually loosened up and calmed down, and managed to have a nice afternoon with my H. But there was a shadow over everything, and I hated it.

I still hate it. I know it's futile, but I wish things would just go back to normal.

[mell]

VT,

Hello and welcome to TTF!

I am a PA. I will also commend your H for seeking help on his own. That is huge. Many of us (including me) had to get caught and dragged into recovery. Sounds like your H has been working on this for some time now.

None of us want to be here (PAs or SOs). That said, this is a great place for us. I hope you continue to come back - the SOs here are amazing, I have learned so much from them.

Wishing you and your H the best in your progress.

-Mell

[debv]

Welcome, VintageTurtle. I want to echo others' welcomes, and say that it is amazing to me that your H came to you and confessed. The vast bulk of us have Hs who didn't; we caught them in some way. I caught my H, DudeWaffle, nearly 11 months ago. He's been sober since then, but things have been hard. Those first few months are gut-wrenching, and the later months are no fun, either. But this is a good place to find support from people who have felt or are feeling the same things you feel.

I know all about triggers. Last night we went to a high school football game, and even though it was chilly many of the teenage girls were walking around wearing far too little, and I caught DW's eyes wandering a few times. He made a concerted effort not to look at the cheerleaders in their skirts that should be illegal, there's no way they could sit down and not expose themselves, but the girls with the low-cut tops and cleavage were too much for him. I don't think he knows I noticed, but I did. It hurts.

I don't know what words of support I can give, other than eventually you will have more times that feel normal, or at least feel acceptable, than those that don't. Even with his eyes wandering on occasion, we still had a good time at the game, and didn't get in an argument, and I didn't let it ruin my mood. I'm not sure how, but I didn't. You'll find that, eventually, you'll be able to be in that sort of place too.

[vintageturtle]

Thanks, mell. I read a post of yours yesterday, about the cycle that you go through, and it was really helpful.

And thanks, debv. It's so weird and anxiety-filled, going out with H to places where there might be triggers for him. I am looking forward to it getting better, for both of us.

[Sarah]

Hi VT,

The rollercoaster is horrible! As is the feelings of wondering if there are triggers everywhere we go. The first couple of weeks were so up and down and just when I think things are leveling off, I am back on that coaster car and I feel like crud. New things come up. I really appreciated that you pointed those things out.

Sarah

[vintageturtle]

Yes, a rollercoaster is a good way to describe it. Not only are there ups and downs, but also you feel powerless to change the course or speed of the ride.


So, yesterday was kind of rough for me. I initiated a talk with H on Monday, after feeling down and worried for a few days, and it really helped at the time. He suggested and committed to some changes, and answered some questions that had been worrying me. I was feeling good right after we talked, but through the rest of the week, I was still feeling down and couldn't really shake it. I find if one or both of us are busy in the evening and we don't get time to connect, it really wears me down.

By Thurs I was really down and needing time together; we did hang out in the evening, but he was tired and turned in early. I was looking forward to Friday and the weekend together, but he ended up bringing home company -- a good family friend who I was happy to see and have here -- on Friday night. They stayed up late playing board games; I was hiding out in the living room with the baby and the laptop, visiting here, which I was happy to do but would have preferred time with H.

I ended up turning off the laptop and heading to bed, and I figured it wouldn't be long before they were done playing and H would come up to bed. Just after I fell asleep (after spending a long time getting a colicky toddler back to sleep), H did come up, but it was to ask me to log in to the laptop so he & the friend could watch a movie. Sigh. He really doesn't spend much time with friends at all, so I'm happy for him to stay up and have fun when he has a chance, but I wanted to be able to say 'No, I need you.' And I wouldn't have minded being woken up by him coming to bed so we could chat for a while, but to sign him in on the laptop... it's silly, but I really resented that I was being woken up because he needed those boundaries. Obviously being woken up to put in the password is better than him never having taken steps to deal with his PA, so I feel silly complaining, but it feels like it's just another thing.

[vintageturtle]

This weekend was good. We connected. H also spent time helping out with the housework and playing with the kids, while I did some reading and resting. It's exactly the kind of help I need right now.

I've started reading some of the PA recovery journals, and it has been wonderful seeing so many people committed to beating this.

One recurring theme I've noticed while reading has been the need for PAs to keep busy. That was one of the first things H talked to me about -- how he had been working to keep himself busy all the time, trying to eliminate any 'down' time when P might weasel its way in. And that explained so much. I thought that it was a difference in how we were raised -- H's parents tend to keep busy, often outside of the house; in my family, my parents were both home every weeknight and spent the evening hanging out with us. Weekends were generally the same. Being married to H and having kids with him has been a huge adjustment, since he's always finding stuff to do, often outside of the house. Volunteering, church stuff, classes, home repairs, etc. He would just be busy all the time.

When he first confessed to me, he explained why he was keeping busy all of the time, and that it was an important strategy for him to avoid a relapse. He said that some of his volunteering was, in his mind, a way to make up for the mistakes he had made. And it was a relief to understand why he was always keeping himself busy, and I'm glad he could tell me that. I tried, though, to point out that there was plenty to keep him busy at home, if he wanted to help out with the kids and housework more. I think that part of the problem was that our home was the place where he could access the P, and maybe he was worried that he wouldn't stick with keeping busy if it weren't the only option. Kind of like joining a gym or a running group; you could probably exercise at home or run on your own, but you're more likely to do it if you have an outside commitment or routine.

Anyway, it came up in one of the sessions we went to with the counselor; I guess it had come up before, because the counselor was asking H how he was doing with not trying to be busy all the time. His advice to H was to take some time to reflect on what he was doing and how he was doing instead of just going from one busy project to another. I was nervous, since it seemed like keeping busy was important, but there seems to be a difference in H and how he spends his time around the house. He seems more content to be here without a specific plan to do something other than the basic routine of what needs to be done. He still has little projects, but he wasn't so... driven? with them. It was OK to be just washing the windows and then be interrupted by something else, for instance. It was OK to hang out with the kids and play a board game. I don't really know how to describe the difference, but it was there and it was great.

I know he's going to need to keep busy, and that it is helpful, but I'm glad that, well, for one, I now know why he keeps so busy, and can support him. And also, I'm glad that it seems like now that I know, it seems to have taken off the desperate edge to his busy-ness.

[Charly22]

I've watched my husband take that route....the one where he throws himself into being busy, work, projects, drives himself into the ground sometimes. I sometimes would look at him in astonishment and wonder how he could keep going and going and going, and work so hard on things.

But I understand where the counselor is coming from to. It's almost like they just went from one activity to another, without actually becoming aware of things, and really taking a good hard look at things. Bury themselves in work and they won't have to face it. I'm not saying it is a terrible thing that they stay occupied, but at some point they do have to acknowledge it.....or it will just keep getting avoided.

I think it is in all of our nature to avoid the bad stuff, if it makes us feel uncomfortable, we tend to run away from it. Even I myself am guilty of this. But I had to learn to face it, instead of just closing my eyes and wishing it away.

I think it is a good thing for our husbands to try to keep themselves busy. That in itself is a good sign that he desires to stay away from what is wrong, and keep himself busy in things that are not wrong. So, I think that says something about his will to stay away from p. And especially early on, it is a good thing.

But at some point, the ugly needs to be looked at.

Whether we want to or not.....

[vintageturtle]

Yes, you're right Charly -- he needed to slow down and take some time to work through things. I think one of the biggest reasons that the counseling helped was that it was an appointment for him to go to -- something on the calendar that was filling up his time, keeping him busy! But it was a place where he was busy with thinking and reflecting and healing.

I'm working on finding balance in working on my recovery. I feel like I could spend hours every day, reading and thinking and writing. In the last six months, I've spent a lot of time avoiding doing those things, and H and I spent a fair amount of time talking about it. He has always said "and you need to work on your recovery, too," and I've always said "yes, I know, I'm working on it," but I think I've been afraid to really work on it, really confront it. Between my most recent emotional low-point and finding TTF, I feel much more ready to start working on it. And I'm feeling good about it. Now I just have to make sure I'm not ignoring everything else in the process! That's definitely a pattern for me: find something new and interesting, spend all my time immersing myself in it, and then get back to normal once I've had my fill. I'm kind of glad that the baby had me up at 4:30 this morning, since it gave me time in the morning without any other interruptions or obligations.

I'm also working on finding a balance between testing my strength and respecting my fragility. I want to be honest with H about my needs, but I want to be mindful of his and not so demanding that it pushes him away. I don't want to wallow in my feelings, but I don't want to bury them either. And I don't want to have to learn through trial and error!

I see 'living in the moment' come up a lot on journals. I think that's something I need to work on. I'm keeping it in mind today.

[JenMac]

HI VT!
Balance. Balance is everything, don't you agree. We need it in all areas of our lives!
Having said that, there is nothing wrong with taking the time you need to heal. I gave myself that time, I still do. No, I am still not getting a lot done after almost 7 months time. I am not apologizing for that, I will take what I need. This is a very important event in my life. It is huge! And so I give myself the time I require. To visit here, to address my grief, to reconnect with my H. Everything else will be there waiting for me when I feel ready. Of course there are always some things that have to be looked after and that is different for each of us. I feel very fortunate that I don't have any pressing obligations at this moment in time, other than my work.
In asking for and being honest with my H about what I need, he has told me it has actually helped him along the way. It has made things clearer, and he feels it helps his recovery in feeling that he is doing things for me, helping to make me feel better if even in a small way. In the process it is helping him to feel good, he feels comfort from doing this and appreciation from me and it helps to keep him going, helps to renew those close feelings, makes him want to do more.
Live for today VT!
Find the good in today!
All the best!
Jenn