vintageturtle's journal

[Charly22]

but it was lust he was addicted to, not other women, and it wasn't due to problems in our relationship or him not loving me. I really want to believe this.

I believe it! In fact....I know it to be true. I hope you can come to this realization and know it in your heart as well. Doesn't make everything all peachy again, but you can eliminate those voices that try to tell you that you weren't sexy enough, you weren't pretty enough, he never loved you, all that is BS!!!!!!!!!

Now, what do we do when we have come to realize that it was not because we were lacking...well...that can help us be a little more stronger against this. Instead of falling down into the pit of despair. We can stand up, and shine a light on all that dark!

[vintageturtle]

Just checking in. H is going to his meeting each week. We were both too tired to talk much about it last night, but he still seems happy with it. I think he's getting more out of this than he did out of his counseling.

I think I still have stuff to work out. I am coming to realize that I've been shying away from my own recovery, not making time for it. I want to just ignore it and focus on the good things that H is doing. But I keep falling back on coping behaviours, too, and I'm having a hard time moving forward and feeling like I'm getting back to my old self. So I'm trying to be mindful of that.

H is back in a busy spot with work and training and the renos here. We haven't been out on a date in a while, and that makes me sad. I think I'll bring that up with H, and see if there is a time we can arrange for, even if it's a few weeks before things settle down enough.

[vintageturtle]

I'm kind of forcing myself to post so I don't put my stuff on the backburner. I haven't had much desire or energy to deal with stuff, though it's coming up whether I want to or not, I think. H and I had to have a talk with our oldest about his behaviour yesterday -- just annoying kid stuff taken too far -- and H said something at one point that made me think of his PA. It was unrelated, but it took me back to the conversations we had when he first disclosed. I couldn't concentrate on the rest of the conversation. I haven't been overwhelmed by 'it' in a while. The rest of the day was difficult; I didn't want to come right out with it to H, because we were having a good day otherwise and he has had a rough week. The rest of the day was just off. I also ran across a book he brought home from SA and flipped through it. Some of the stuff I read there took be back, too. I felt like I was feeling the rejection all over again, reading about how someone else was choosing P and MB over his wife.

I haven't been able to shake it this morning. I overslept. I've been trying to get out more and get back to normal, and as part of that, I've invited a few people over this week. Two on one day, and one on another. And then kind of panicked, realizing how far behind I am on deep cleaning. So today is the last full day I have for cleaning, and I had been doing so well with it last week, as well as exercising every day. And I'm just not feeling it today. I'm even back to the random crying thing, which I thought I left behind a while ago.

H hasn't lapsed, hasn't skated, he's doing well. Last week I said to him at one point that I was doing much better, and talking about his issues (like stuff he's doing for his meeting, for instance) doesn't hurt the way it used to. Thinking about why he's going isn't the punch in the gut it used to be. I thought he would be happy, but he was concerned. He wanted to make sure that I wasn't basing my happiness on the belief that his progress with recovery means that he will never relapse. Of course he isn't planning on it, but he didn't plan on being a PA in the first place. I know he's just being realistic, that's how he always is. We've had a few short discussions about the problems with the concept of 'true love' or romantic love that our society has, which is addressed in the recovery materials I've read. So, I get where he's coming from with that. It's just hard to hear.

We watched The Princess Bride last night. I'm sure that didn't help, with all of the 'true love' talk in it.

I guess I did need to post, lol. I want to get all this rambly stuff out of my head and hopefully, that will help me get on with my day.

[Cupcakemomma]

Anybody want a peanut?

I'm sorry you are struggling VT. >:D<>:D<

[Charly22]

He wanted to make sure that I wasn't basing my happiness on the belief that his progress with recovery means that he will never relapse. Of course he isn't planning on it, but he didn't plan on being a PA in the first place. I know he's just being realistic, that's how he always is.

Interesting stuff right there. Especially how I spent the whole weekend punishing my husband with my wicked attitude, because he was trying to convince me that I should not expect him to say he is never going to "relapse".

Ugh.....It's hard to grasp ain't it?

But at least you have the comfort of watching him learn, and reaching for knowledge and weapons against this.

I plan to study this statement that your husband made....I see it as applying to me, thank you.

[rosie]

He wanted to make sure that I wasn't basing my happiness on the belief that his progress with recovery means that he will never relapse. Of course he isn't planning on it, but he didn't plan on being a PA in the first place. I know he's just being realistic, that's how he always is.

I think this is very realistic. I know that some P addicts on here quit cold turkey, and that is really fantastic, and that's what we all want. But I know that each person is different and I think it's realistic to expect relapse as part of the journey.

Having said that though - I get fearful that this could be an asterisks to the PA. It's a very fine line between accepting it's okay to do, and accepting it's realistic.

[Kathy]

VT...

You mentioned 'ketchup chips' in CCM's post...what are they? They sound interesting. One of our special ed students has 4 packs of ketchup everyday in his lunch...maybe I could introduce him to 'kc' for something 'different'.

I do hope you are had a chippier day today.

Cheers,

[vintageturtle]

Charly & Rosie, I spent most of the afternoon going back and forth in my head on this topic. I can't figure it out. On the one hand, I do think he should make that commitment. I mean, when we married, that was a vow. A promise. So really, he has already promised. On the other hand, I do get why he doesn't want to make a promise that he isn't sure he will keep. He has always been this way, with everything, so it's not like this is really a red flag for me. He's just a really realistic guy.

I think of Glee, where two characters were dating, and the boy promised the girl that he would never leave her. Then the girl cheated on him, to make him jealous, and he broke up with her. She told him that he had promised never to leave her, and he said that he didn't think she would hurt him so badly. So, should he not have made the promise in the first place? What's the point of making a promise like that if there are circumstances that will make you change your mind about it?

Kathy, ketchup chips are ketchup flavoured potato chips. Tasty, but probably not a great lunch!

[JenMac]

HI VT!
He wanted to make sure that I wasn't basing my happiness on the belief that his progress with recovery means that he will never relapse. Of course he isn't planning on it, but he didn't plan on being a PA in the first place. I know he's just being realistic, that's how he always is. We've had a few short discussions about the problems with the concept of 'true love' or romantic love that our society has, which is addressed in the recovery materials I've read. So, I get where he's coming from with that. It's just hard to hear.
I understand where you are coming from when you are speaking of this as I feel my happiness with my H is based on him being Pfree. I know I can't live with this in my life and I know it would disrupt my life immensely if there were to be a relapse. My sense of safety within this relationship has been damaged greatly but if my H were to choose to go back to P at this point, I am afraid it may never recover. Once they get to a certain point in their recovery, once they have an understanding about how they got there and where 'there' really is, I believe it would be a choice to go back. I don't know if everyone feels this way but it is how I feel in our situation.
I know we can never guarantee anything to people in our lives but I know how deeply this has affected me and our relationship. I had a friend in Alanon tell me once about her alcoholic H, 'If he chooses to go back there, he is going alone because I will never live like that again.' So we all have choices to make in our lives for our own wellbeing.
Now I know I am a strong person and that my happiness cannot depend on my H, but within our relationship, I need to feel loved, respected and cherished. I need to feel safe. I can't do that if there is a continuation of P in my home.
Helping someone through the initial stages of recovery, accepting that there may be difficulties that need to be addressed is one thing but preparing myself for relapse is something entirely different in my mind. I can't do that. My quest for relationship recovery depends on my being able to come to terms with the past but also moving ahead to a pfree future. My happiness does depend on that.
While I understand your H being reluctant to promise something that he is worried he cannot keep, I do believe we all need to do for ourselves what we feel is necessary for us to live a happy life. We all set our own boundaries according to what we can tolerate.
Sorry you are struggling with this VT! Glad that your H is feeling strong in his recovery and that you are able to share your feelings with him most often. Keep those communications going! It is so important for each of us to feel heard!
All the best!
Jenn

[vintageturtle]

I understand where you are coming from when you are speaking of this as I feel my happiness with my H is based on him being Pfree.

I think your wording here has clarified things for me, and helped me with figuring this out. You said your happiness with your H. I've been tending to think of happiness as one general thing, I guess. I think my H realizes that I would be unhappy if he relapsed, regardless of how well-prepared for it I was. I think the point, though, is for me to realize that my relationship with my H is not the only or even the most important source of happiness in my life.

And I think I have figured this out before, but I feel like I have to figure things out a few times before it actually starts to sink in!