This is not the conclusion I wanted

[heavysigh]

Hello all I am new to this forum but not new to PA.

My husband and I married young. I was 18 and he was 24. I was very inexperienced so when his P use first fell on my lap I did not take it well. At all. The weird thing is my ex had some playboys and it didn't bother me. I knew he wasn't reading just the articles either (though they were pretty interesting). For some reason though my husband's use cut deep. Maybe because I was his wife? Or because I didn't look the greatest after having his son? Or maybe it was because I always felt inadequate compared to him and his friends considering how much younger I am and it threatened me.

See, my husband is a big computer nerd. At the time I barely knew how to start it up. I wonder if he purposefully loaded Linux on the thing because he knew I would be helpless and he wouldn't help me with it. I learned a lot faster than he thought though! Of course it was hidden there. In plain sight too because he figured I was too stupid to ever find it.

I'm sure many if not all the readers here know that lump in my throat at the first picture. The growing pit in my stomach after each click. Click Click Click. It never ended. I'm by no means a delicate flower but something about this made me run to the bathroom and revisit my dinner in reverse. I cleaned up and stupidly went right back to clicking. I guess it's like a train wreck. You really don't want to see it but you have to keep looking to make sure you're really seeing what you're seeing. What struck me is how none of these girls were his "type". He said I was his type. Pale, glasses, nerdy, etc. All these women were not only gorgeous but tan, athletic, blonde... you get the picture. Everything I wasn't and could never be. This... This part was the knife in the back though. There were pictures of my friends and his female friends in the folder. All clothed and normal looking pictures but why would they be there? Not a single one of me. Not even the racy pictures he insisted on taking. It was like I didn't exist. But my friend Sarah sure did!

He rationalized and I cried. We fought hard and I forbade him from ever looking at the stuff again. He got better at hiding and I got better at finding. He was cursing the Linux support forums. I knew that box better than he did after a while. I did some crazy stuff. I printed out some pictures and hid them in my sock drawer. Every morning I would look at it and say "no food until I look like this". I started drinking heavily. I secluded myself from my friends. I was already prone to depression but P pushed me over the edge. I felt crazy and I felt like everyone KNEW I was crazy. I was too ashamed to go outside and staying inside just made me think obsessively about it. It weighed on me like a rock and there was literally no one I could talk to.

There was a lot of bad times in those few following years. I came out sober (and 100lbs heavier). I snapped somewhere along the line and stopped telling myself what I wasn't but what I am. I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm a dork and it's ok. I told myself all this and somewhere I started believing it. I laugh now that at my heaviest and worst dressed I feel better about myself than when I was a well dressed size 6. I'm beautiful and people like me. I like me.

The thing though is the more I respect myself the less I respect him. I don't hate him anymore. I still love him, I think. I'm comfortable with him and I'm comfortable being his friend. During my transformation from a slug into a human being all I asked was that he got himself in order. Stop being undependable. Stop being lazy. If you're still looking at P in the end I don't care. Just help the marriage along and we'll get along. That failed and he finally broke down and admitted he had a problem. I then asked if he would just come clean when he looked at it again, or in the very least not lie when I asked. I rarely asked because by this point I was too happy to want to bring that up again. I found it on my computer again on St. Patrick's Day. Oddly I barely said anything other than "I found your stash". He was the one to make a big deal of it. He drank and cried and said he wanted to die. I rolled my eyes and went back to talking to my mom on facebook. I was done dealing with it then. The only thought that went through my head was "I deserve better than this".

I did tell him that he disgusted me when he sobered up. This isn't how a man at 32 should be acting. It wasn't even the P anymore, it was how it rotted his brain and infected his life. He's pathetic and when I find the stuff it's all I can do just to keep from spitting on him when he walks through the door. I wasn't angry anymore. I didn't scream or cry or ask WHY NOT ME?! It finally sunk it that it WASN'T me. He swore THIS time he wouldn't hide it again.

Of course that was a lie. Would I be here if it wasn't? 2 weeks ago I saw a trace of it on his computer. He frequents a board that serves all sorts of interests and one sub forum is for P. Although he erased almost all traces I found links back to the images and recognized the image naming scheme. I knew what he was doing. He could deny it if he wanted to and say it was another sub forum but the hiding, deleting, distance from me, etc told me what was up. We've been on this ride too long for me to not know the cues. I let it go but curiosity was killing me. I wanted to see what he'd do if I called him out on it so I did. He stammered and repeated my questions back to me. I pressed further and he said he didn't remember so I dropped it. Same old habits, same old excuses.

It hit me today that I would rather him physically cheat on me. At least he'd put the effort in with someone. He's so selfish and consumed by P that no one is worth the effort anymore. He works, is good to his kids and even kisses me when he comes home. But at the same time he has that same 1000 yard stare that my junkie sister has. He's empty inside. It makes me sad for him. P is no longer cheating to me. It's something so much more sad, pathetic and hurtful that we have yet to coin a term for. I thought we'd come out of this on top. Stronger than ever. I guess that doesn't happen for everyone.

[heavysigh]

phew that was a long post! It felt good to get it off my chest though.

[Charly22]

I thought we'd come out of this on top. Stronger than ever. I guess that doesn't happen for everyone.

While you are able to say you have not come out on top...It appears to me that you have taken great strides in knowing that this is his problem, and no longer allowing it to keep you in the depths of hell it can take us to. I know you are still suffering, but I can hear how you have gained strength. And it appears that he is aware of that.

You hold the power in your hands right now. You are the one who has to no longer tolerate. You are the one who has to flex those muscles and demand what you need in this relationship. And you are able to see how this has affected him, and you have to be his mirror right now.

But I am thankful for your strength and ability to know this has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness.

I hope you can continue to grow stronger and learn and help yourself first, and then maybe you can help him.

[Charly22]

Id also like to add, I'm sure you know this logically, but emotionally is the tricky part, I'm sure you know that he has to want to change, he has to want to get help, he has to want to quit.

the only thing you can do right now, is keep feeding your own spirit, take care of yourself, you are worth it. You decide what is acceptable and what is not. And as long as you keep quiet, and let it keep happening in the background, and not confronting it, you are keeping yourself in a state of torment.

[debv]

You sound to me like YOU have come out on top. Maybe not your marriage, at least not yet, but YOU sound pretty good. I'm sure your feel like crap, trust me, we all know that feeling. That's why it's good to be here. We all really do know how it feels. But your self-esteem is so much better than, say, mine. Just remember that you need to do what's best for you and your kids. And you sound like you have the strength to do that, whatever it is.

[JenMac]

Welcome to TTF, Heavy Sigh!
I am glad you have found your way here and I hope you will stay and come to benefit from this fine community we have here!
It seems to me you have already started your healing from this difficult place you find yourself in. You have already started your healing journey! That is definitely a good thing and to your benefit!
As Charly and Deb have already said, it is important to look after yourself first and foremost! You may also be ready to recognize and acknowledge your boundaries when it comes to what you are willing to accept from your H at this time. What do you want to see happen when it comes to what you need from your relationship? How is this relationship benefitting you and what is it you expect from your H now and in the future? Starting to consider and believe that you deserve better than this in your life is a positive step on this path to a better life. I hope you will find that you are indeed ready to take that step!
I am wishing you all the best as you move ahead!
Jenn

[heavysigh]

Thank you all for your warm welcome. It's funny how things change in a matter of a day. Today we had a long talk about not only P but our relationship on the whole. He said he didn't think I respected him but this time instead of demanding more respect he went on to tell me he's done a lot of thinking about what he's doing wrong. He confessed that he's become very frightened and does things to sabatoge himself in all aspects of his life. The conversation went from a heated argument to a thoughtful discussion about what we both are doing wrong.

I realize for my husband P is part of a larger, much uglier problem. We've put it off but I think counseling is in our best interest right now. Again, thank you all. I'm going to continue reading here and updating because I'm sure this is only the beginning to a very rocky, but hopefully better, future.

[JenMac]

Hi Heavysigh!
I am so glad you were able to have a meaningful conversation with your H today! That is great! After all communication is so very important during these times of crisis. It is perhaps the most important thing as we go along on our path to recovery. True, honest, deep, forthcoming communication. It is the foundation of the building of relationships that are lasting and true.
I hope you will have many more of these conversations and that they lead you to a path of recovery, for yourself, for your H and for you both as a couple.
One step at a time! You have taken the first step!
All the best,
Jenn

[heavysigh]

Ugh, I don't know what I want anymore. It was easier as a young adult screaming at him for answers. Tonight I was just too tired to sort it out. I worry when I feel this way. I worry that I don't care about him anymore. He seemed too tired to think about P or the emotional baggage with it and I was on board with that. I'm just too tired! I just want to know where he stands. Where we stand. We seem to love each other but live as roommates. I'm embarrassed to admit but we haven't been intimate in a long time. We are averaging about 3-4 times a year. I feel bad about it but my drive just isn't there and neither is his (for me anyway).

He's also been going into work early and staying late. His boss is a slave driver so I can see the demands as being true but still I wonder. It's not healthy to wonder. I'm too tired to wonder right now.

[JenMac]

Hello HS!
I remember so well the feeling of extreme tiredness that came along with the discovery of P in my home. It absolutely overwhelmed me! It was so immediate and it lasted for quite some time actually. I was in fact quite worried that I was falling into a depression.
I think you are quite entitled to know where things stand, what it is he intends to do about this issue in his life which greatly affects you. Does he intend to try to fight this addiction? Is he ready to make a committment to you and your marriage? What are his strategies to deal with this? What is he willing to do to overcome this, counselling, SAA groups, TTF etc.
It may take some time after your H has been clear of P in his life to actually come to terms with what he has been into and how it has affected him emotionally, physically and in how he relates to you. You may have to start the ball rolling by setting your boundaries and stating your expectations.
Difficult choices, difficult communication but is it more difficult than what you are dealing with now?
Only you can decide what is best for you. We here at TTF can only offer you our experiences as we know them.
Wishing you well!
I hope you continue to put your feelings down to assist you in your healing!
Jenn