trying to heal

[Max's Momma]

sorry if this is long winded

my struggle with my husband's addiction began when we first started dating he told me he never looked at porn and he had no interest in it/:)
well I went on vacation for two weeks and my computer was riddled with not just porn but really hardcore stuff- tranny's, old women, bbw's and even dating sites
I was devastated, ever since then it's been a continuing cycle I ask him to stop and if he does relapse to come tell me
he never does
I feel so hurt and disgusted when I find these things I know my ridicule doesn't help but it just makes me so angry I want him to feel the hurt I feel
yesterday I found some again our son was born 3 months ago and he had been doing really good
when I found it I asked him to sleep in the other bedroom because I didn't want to be around him
he took the gun and went outside to consider suicide
=((:((
afterwards we talked and he said that his addiction was like hoarding- he wanted to get as much as he could while he was free in case he lost his freedoms again (he's been in jail)
I don't know what to do to help him I'm tired of being hurt so much any advice?

[Max's Momma]

I've tried to get him to seek help but he says he's too disgusted with himself to share it with anyone else
he says sex makes him not want to look at it but even before the baby when we where active often he was still viewing
I know there are other things he hasn't shared with me because he doesn't want me to judge him
I don't like having sex anymore because I feel like he is thinking of those images while he is with me
I even found a conversation where he was talking to a man he had experimented with before saying he wanted to try again, very explicit things
he has never done much with this man and only met him once, before we met but he looks at tranny porn so much I wonder is he really gay and just doesn't want to come to terms with it?
it hurts him that I think these things but I can't help but wonder
agh I am at so much off a loss right now I am ready to give up and move on but I don't want my son to grow up without him
but I also don't want my son to grow up around this conflict
he says he needs me around, that without me he couldn't do it but he wont even let me go to someone for help because he is so afraid of people knowing his secret
I'd say if he even knew I was on this forum he would be upset
I have paid so much money for his addictions- court fines, driving school and now he has a bill coming in from a college he used to attend he says he thinks it's from using the computer lab to print off images I have put a password on my computer so he doesn't have access to it anymore but I wonder if that will just make him find other ways to view
I wish there was a magic fix to all of this I don't know how much longer I can remain strong

[Max's Momma]

is there anyone out there with any advice? please I am at a loss

[JenMac]

HI MM!
I am sorry you find yourself in this difficult position! YOu have come to the right place for support and the people here have experienced similar issues as you, so you should not feel as alone in your pain!
There are great resources on this site to assist you in coming to an understanding of your H's addiction. Truly seeing the extent to which the addict can sink can be an eye opening experience.
The most important thing right now is for you to look after your needs and that of your children. That should come first and foremost. If you are at all concerned for your safety, you should take immediate action to put yourself in a safe environment.
Your H will need to come to terms with the fact that he is an addict and that he wants to stop acting out before any true recovery can take place for him. Your recovery can begin from now with or without him.
You didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't cure this but you can learn to cope. (Alanon slogan)
There are no magic cures! But with a lot of hard work and soul searching, on both of your parts, you can move ahead to a more positive place.
Wishing you all the best!
Take care of you!
Jenn

[Charly22]

I can understand the pain and torment you are going through, and I hate the fact that we have to be here, writing our pain on a computer screen. BUT....it can be one of the most beneficial tools for you right now...a place to lay all your feelings out and deal with them.

It appears that your husband does love you, and looks to you for support, your comment of "he says he needs me around, that without me he couldn't do it", wow....so much contained in those few words. But also alot of pressure for you. Glad you have found a place to bring your concerns to.

I know it is a scary thing, when they get so down on themselves over this, that they threaten suicide. That's a heavy thing to hear and deal with. I pray that it is his way of crying for help, and wouldn't actually go through with it. He's still there with you.

Only when a pa/sa is broken down emotionally, can they catch a glimmer of the true self that is buried deep within themselves. I was given this advice recently, I've heard it before, that they have to be broken down emotionally, but took me awhile to gain strength within my own self, to learn that if I don't do something, I will live in torment and die young from all the stress.

Another common piece of advice you will find here, is to write him a letter. Let him know the pain and suffering this brings you, and make your stand that you can no longer allow it to continue. If he truly needs you and loves you, he will find a way to squash this.

This is no easy road....but there can be light at the end of the tunnell.

[Max's Momma]

we had a wonderful discussion today, I took some tips from other members here, I told him we would be doing a weekly re-cap and that he needed to go ahead and tell me everything now
he said he was afraid of hurting me but he opened up and told all anyway
it feels so much better now, he still looks at me like he expects me to run at any moment but I'm not going anywhere
I feel so relieved#:-s

[Charly22]

Awesome to hear!!! Alot of times, we want to avoid the uncomfortable, afraid they might be upset, same with them, they avoid telling things, afraid of the hurt. But....another very helpful piece of advice from someone here....The truth is painful but required. When we are able to bring ourselves to a place where we are willing to hear the uncomfortable, knowing that it is required, and can know, that no more how uncomfortable it is, we are gonna walk through that flame, we have to.

I hope the total open and honest commincation will continue. I hope you no longer allow the "fear of him being upset" rule your actions. I hope one day, you can share this website with him. But in the meantime, I am thankful for the honest commincation that you are sharing.

I also suggest getting a book and reading together, the both of you. That might be an easier pill to swallow for him right now, versus sharing his shame with strangers. There are some great books on this subject...on is "the porn trap"...and there are other books by Patrick Carnes, he is an expert on sex addiction. The porn trap is a great place to start.

Thank you for sharing your highs and lows with us.