Story bit by bit

[Sarah]

I truly feel that I am going through the steps of grief through all this. At first, when I found out my H was viewing/interacting with P, I was pretty mad, so mad that I actually left a mean message in the "tell us about yourself" section of his profile in just one of the sites that I found. I left this profile up on the PC took the baby to the aquarium and texted his phone that there was something very sad on the computer.

I could tell when I got home that he felt like a shit because he was crying in the front porch swing waiting for us to get home, but this did not change the lies that he continued to tell me for the next week. Again, I discovered that the content of his PA was much worse and that it cost us thousands of dollars for the past 5 years. We used to keep our bank accounts separate so I had no idea where the money was going before we got married. When we married two years later, I insisted that we get a joint account so that we can keep a better handle on our money. He turned to credit cards instead.

Well, I had more time so I started to pay the bills and never questioned why we could not pay down our credit cards. I guess I was lazy and never scrutinized the statements more thoroughly. I even thought that a particular website was maybe some different name for the boy scout store. (Our 10 year old is in scouts) I feel like such a fool.

When I found more which included live chats and viewing, my world just crashed. I can't eat, sleep, or be a good mother for my children. I even lost my wallet today. I am now in the anger part of the grief stages. I am mad that I feel inadequate. I am mad that perhaps there were other women (even if they were not tangible) in our bed. I am mad that I got robbed of any opportunity to comfortably and confidently express myself sxually so that I may feel good. I am mad that he broke a promise to me and to God. I am mad that he gets to leave and I have to handle the household, driving my older son to school, getting my toddler ready and being with him throughout the day. I am mad that although he seems very committed to therapy, it is causing an extra expense to our already tight budget. I am glad that I have an outlet.

One last thing...and I hope that I made the right decision. I told him to pack his stuff and leave. I told him that he needs to show me that he is committed to quitting before he can come back home. Right now, this means a verfiable appointment with a counselor. It is tough love. Rock bottom if you will. I miss him. We have never spent this many days away from each other. Thats all for now

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Sarah,

I wanted to greet you, but I hate to say "welcome" since no one wants to be here really.

You will find that you are not alone here. I hope and pray that your husband will get the help he needs and commit to recovery and your marriage. You made a difficult choice, but you did what you needed to do. Perhaps he will join here too?

Browse around TTF a bit. You will make the oddest sort of friends here that you never imagined you would make.

Hugs to you.

[forgotten_not]

I must applaud you for your courage & strength, I know that many people in your situation would not have been able to take the steps you took & immediately put their foot down to the PA in their life & demand the change that is necessary for any sort of resolution.

I wish you the best in your struggles & know that there are many people here that will continue to support you as you progress.

*hugs*

[JenMac]

HI Sarah!
It really is like grieving, I believe. Grieving the life we thought we had as opposed to the life we stumbled upon that blew ours apart!
I am glad you are taking steps to protect yourself and your children, that is what is most important right now. You need to take care of you and your needs, your children and their needs, first and foremost.
If you can see your H is serious about taking steps to overcome this addiction in his life then you can make the changes you feel comfortable with at that time. The decisions are yours and yours alone to make as they fit into your life and needs at this time.
I am sorry you have had this come into your life, but know that you are not alone and that you have come to a good place. There are many here who are anxious and willing to try to support you and give you what comfort we can through this trying time!
Remember to breathe! One day/moment at a time!
Keep coming back!
Jenn

[NewHope10]

You are so brave Sarah! You have so much more courage than I did.

I really hope your H gets the help he needs.

Importantly...I hope you find support during this time. Rest assured...you will find support here! You are not alone.

Like Jenn said above...keep coming back!

[Kathy]

Sarah you have found the right place to be...and I do wish you strength in your journey ahead. I hope your husband is truly committed to a clean/free life ahead with you and the children...

Please feel free to read my (Kathy - it's been a week) journal and my husband's...Chasman62. I just had my first session with a therapist last night and my 'h' (who never would consider ever going to one) has been to his therapist three times so far - and he plans on continuing!!! I had a very rough time when the whole truth came out about a month ago...funny, very much like YOURS!.

It's disgusting, it hurts and yes, it made me mad at myself for not doing something earlier...but, he hit rock bottom and now WE are working on our way UP!

You will appreciate hearing from the other SO's...a great support team they are!

I'll be thinking of you...
Kathy

[vintageturtle]

I am mad that he gets to leave and I have to handle the household, driving my older son to school, getting my toddler ready and being with him throughout the day. I am mad that although he seems very committed to therapy, it is causing an extra expense to our already tight budget. I am glad that I have an outlet.

I could relate to a lot of what you said, and especially this. I know he struggles with his PA everywhere he goes, but I feel like he's out and away from the problem while I'm at home where I can't focus on anything else. And the extra expense of therapy bothered me, too, even though I knew it was helping. I was mad that it was necessary at all.

It definitely feels like grieving. The relationship I thought we had, the H I thought I had is gone, and I'm grieving for them.

[JenMac]

So true! As I said, I remember having those exact feelings. Grief, a huge loss! I remember reacting by being sick to my stomach. I have only done that when someone close to me has died. So I think that is a very accurate description - grief.
Those feelings can be with us for a while but once we can start to see honest committment by our Hs, see them putting good effort into overcoming this, our relationship can start to recover .
I have learned in my Alanon program that we can begin to become stronger ourselves whether our Hs are recovering or not. I did not learn this in relation to PA but to a loved one's problem with alcohol. We can start to take steps to put ourselves on a path to healing. Being in the company of others who have experienced what we are feeling can be a huge support to us. We can learn from others experiences and gain from their wisdom.
Glad you guys are here!
Jenn

[Sonomette]

I wanted to take a minute to welcome you here, and let you know that I'm awfully glad you found our little home on the web. The story you tell is so familiar, unfortunately, but it sounds like you are actively doing something about it, and drawing up boundaries. Good for you for being strong!

Jen said: I have learned in my Alanon program that we can begin to become stronger ourselves whether our Hs are recovering or not. I did not learn this in relation to PA but to a loved one's problem with alcohol. We can start to take steps to put ourselves on a path to healing. Being in the company of others who have experienced what we are feeling can be a huge support to us. We can learn from others experiences and gain from their wisdom. I fully second that. She's right-- we can become stronger and healthier, regardless of what they decide to do. I hope that you'll find not only a supportive community and understanding friends here, but also a measure of peace for yourself.

Thinking of you!

~S

[Sarah]

Thanks everyone for your support and understanding. I have not been on for awhile except to read. I go back and forth from sad to mad to happy. My husband did call a therapist and we have gone to two sessions so far. They help, but I feel kind of like a sucker today.