NeedHope's journal of...hope

[NewHope10]

First entry...Sept 10, 2010.

Well - a few of the wonderful women here suggested I start a journal. So...here I am and here it goes...

I posted my first post the other day. I could repeat what I said...but right now I am just feeling numb and in limbo.

I will say that I "caught" him 5 days ago (again) - and found out he's been viewing P (again) for over a year (did I happen to mention..."AGAIN")! He "says" he is going to get help...but that remains to be seen.

My PA said that I could intall monitoring software on our computers. Ya...I know...its a "bandaid" fix. If he wants to view P...he's gonna find a way. But I figure it would slow him down somewhat by knowing I could see anything he sees on the computer.

Now...I don't know if any of you have tried to install monitoring software before...BUT ITS NOT EASY! And I'm frustrated...mostly because I feel the need to do this!!!

So - I've been procrastinating. The frustration at how difficult it is - and the frustration and anger of doing it.

UGH!!!!

What am I feeling right now? I feel like burrying my head under the covers and try to forget what has been going on!!!! Put on those "rose coloured glasses" and pretend that everything is okay.

Do any of you feel that way sometimes?

Ya...I know...that won't solve anything and "it" will still be there...hanging like a dark cloud over our home...our lives...our marriage.

Well...that actually felt good just getting that "out there".

[JenMac]

HI NH!
Welcome to TTF and your new journal! You will find support and friendship here! Even if it is virtual!!
Do I ever feel like burying my head under the covers? Yes, yes, yes! This takes a toll on us that at times seems unbearable. It has been 5.5 months since I discovered P on my H's computer and it has been most all consuming ever since. It is a real rollercoaster of emotions!
My H installed a filter on his computers early on. He expressed that he felt this was something he could do for me and my peace of mind. He was dealing with the devastation of our marriage so he was busy with that and felt he was able to forego the P because of that.
For me, I have had to come to the realization that I have no control over another person and what they choose to do. That is very hard to accept sometimes but true nevertheless. I set my boundaries very early on and let my H know what I would and could live with and what I could not accept.
The power of writing and journalling is immense for me. I find that it is very healing and enables me to put things in perspective and allows me to release things from my mind. Very powerful indeed! I hope it is the same for you!
Just by connecting with others here who are dealing with the same issues, you will feel less alone. That is so important for us during this difficult time!
There are many wise and wonderful people here at TTF! I hope you will find it as helpful as I have!
Best wishes to you on your journey to recovery!
Jenn

[Hopeful]

NH, I have tried also to bury my head under the covers and it only makes it worse. it's kind of what we did for years before the "discovery". Not by choice but because we wanted to believe what they were telling us.

I tried to install some filters without him knowing and I couldn't figure it out either. He put one on himself (Covenant Eyes) and it seems to work perfectly. Although, I really don't see many people on this site using it? I trust it.

The "rose colored glasses" only last so long.....then reality hits and it's worse than before.

You can get through this. You have to think of yourself and let him know what you will not accept from him anymore. Might sound tough....but that's what you have to be.

The dark cloud will be here for quite awhile....it's up to him to make the sun shine through again...........

[NewHope10]

Thank you to JenMac and Hopeful for your comments yesterday. It really is good that I'm not alone. I really felt like I wanted to "hide my head" and pretend that none of this is happening. The shock and the worry of everything really is overwhelming!!!

That's what my PA told me too. That he is in agreement for me to install monitoring software for peace of mind. I agree with the comments that I do not have any control over what he is doing. I "know" that...but guess I am having a difficult time letting go.

I've been through this all before with him - only this time, its hit me like a ton of bricks. I think its because its been happening for such a long period of time and what he's been doing and looking at. And, quite franky...I'm tired of all of it! I set my "boundaries" with him and let him know that I will not continue living this way and that if he doesn't get help this time (and stick with it)...then I'm going to walk away from our marriage. I've never said that before to him (and I do love him or I wouldn't still be here) and I never thought I would even think of doing that...but these are my "terms" and I'm willing to do so.

We had a good talk last night. I asked him questions and he answered them (and I think and feel he was truthful with me because the answers I got...were not at all "pretty" and it wasn't sugar-coated). I prepared myself beforehand. I wanted him to tell me everything that he has been doing. Yes...he told me, and I had to put up an emotional wall so that I wouldn't break down.

Oh yes...that "emotional wall". I've kept that up all week long (since the discovery this week) and I've kept my emotions and feelings very "numb". Don't know how long I'll be able to keep that up. I guess at some point the "wall" will come crashing down and I'll have to feel all the hurt that I've trying to keep numb.

Is this normal (keeping yourself "numb"...building that "wall)?

I am thankful I found this site.

[JenMac]

Hi NH!
Emotional wall. That is a great way to describe it! I felt that too and still do, just maybe not as intense. I called it operating on 2 different levels. Whatever it is, it is to keep us safe, because we feel so fragile. It is a protective stance! know if I looked back through my journal I would see exactly what you are talking about. I felt all of the same things.
I am glad you have set your boundaries! I think that is important for us as well as them. You need to look out for yourself first in all of this.
Don't be surprised if more information comes out as you go along. Sometimes I think it takes them being away from the P for a while before they can be truthful about all to themselves, let alone us.
I am glad you found your way here! You are in a good place! You will be supported here by all who have been through this same thing!
I hope you can find some peace today! Remember to look after your own needs!
Jenn

[NewHope10]

Well...the floodgates almost opened today...

I picked up our granddaughter early this morning. She is 2.5 years old and a little angel (I am 44, by the way). That's why I haven't been online all day. Every moment of my waking time is spent with her when she is here!

Anyway...as we drove back to my place (a 1.5 to 2 hour drive) - I sang to her (and with her) as I always do. She wanted to sing the A B C's and so we started to sing it together.

All of the sudden...from out of nowhere - a flood of emotions hit me! I started to feel the well of tears fill up and my heart sinking - and quickly stuffed it all back inside. It was certainly not the time or the place to have that happen.

As I think about it...I wonder if the reason why it all hit me was because of the innocence of the "setting" at the time. Me being with my adorable granddaughter are times full of complete innocence and (pure and unconditional) love.

I guess I feel that the discovery this past week of what has been going on with my husband has left me mourning the loss of innocence...of purity...of happiness...of unconditional love. Wondering if it was ever really there to begin with. Thinking about it right now leaves my heart very heavy...but the emotional wall is up and I'm protecting myself.

Yes JENN...I believe you are right. Its there to keep us safe because we do feel vulnerable and fragile.

I know at some point...the wall must come down though.

You (JENN) said for me not to be surprised if more information comes out. I think you are right on that count too. I know it was VERY difficult for my H to tell me what he did tell me last night. I appreciate that it would be. But - I have to wonder if there is more to it and he couldn't bring himself to tell me. That is a big possibility.

One of the reasons I say that is because when I asked him how long he has been at it again...he told me 4 or 5 months. I actually know it was for over a year (this time around...there has been other times before this time). I found this out from the area I looked at on the computer. I "called" him on it and told him that it started May 2009. (I asked him how long because I was actually trying to guage how honest he was going to be with me.) He explained that he really couldn't pinpoint the time that he started viewing it again, which could very well be true...or maybe not. I guess that's neither here nor there. I was just looking for the honesty level he was going to give me.

Anyway - you are all right. He's got his own recovery to go through...and I've got mine. Its difficult for me to seperate it right now.

Oh...and yes JENN...I had peace today with my granddaughter (for the most part) - and not having to think about all of this!

[JenMac]

HI Needhope!
I am glad you had those peaceful moments with your grandaughter! Hold those dear to you! They mean everything!
I can identify with your feelings in relationship to the innocence of your grandchild. I had a similar experience while on recess duty at work. Tears just sprang to my eyes one day as I watched all of the beautiful little girls playing and laughing. The same feeling about their innocence just hit me hard. I seem to have a lot of moments like those and I am left fearing for the future of our children. Yesterday I watched a wedding of two young people who are acquaintances of ours and I could not help but wonder if at some point in time this beautiful bride will have her heart broken by the man she loves. Sad that something so beautiful can be spoiled by my mind working against me.
You also said about testing the level of honesty. Again that is so true. I think the level to which they are able to be honest changes with time as they step further away from the addiction. If they are serious about beating this they hopefully come to understand that honesty is necessary for recovery. Sometimes I think that they can't admit to themselves, let alone us, what they have been participating in. I know I am repeating myself here but I feel this is important to remember as we go along.
Funny sometimes, how questions we ask are answered in one way, but when asked in a different way, it seems to prompt them to think of it in a different way and so you may get more information than before. There can be many reasons for not telling the truth, the whole truth. Protecting themselves and the addiction, protecting their self worth, protecting us, fear of losing the marriage so they are in damage control mode, not clearly remembering what it is you are asking etc. etc.
For yourself, the emotional wall might stay in place for a long time. It is still there for me a lot of the time. I have often found my mind shutting down thoughts that I can't bear to deal with. After 5.5 months, I believe I am just now feeling strong enough to deal with certain issues and so we may have some difficult conversations ahead of us. Mac says he is willing to go there but I can feel resistance at times. Yes it is hard to go back because when we are feeling close and connected, it is hard to risk that feeling. Hopefully our bond will continue to grow with continual honesty and openess.
You know NH, you must have yourself more together than I did in the beginning. You had the energy to have your beautiful grandaughter, that is awesome! For me, in the beginning, I wasn't able to pull myself together to do anything other than go to work and I barely had the energy for that!
Remember to be kind to yourself! Take long hot baths, take a stroll in nature, notice the little delights in the day. Hard to do, I know, but it will help you step away from this allconsuming horrid place we find ourselves in. It is a way of recognizing that that is not the world we live in, it is their addiction that they need to overcome. We can be there to support them if we are willing but they have to be willing to do the work. Our world can still hold those simple pleasures and innocence if we allow it. Those moments can help us refocus and reenergize ourselves and we desperately need that for our own mental and physical wellbeing!
...the first days are difficult NH, I'm thinking of you....
Jenn

[NewHope10]

WOW! Jenn...that you so much for your reply! Believe me...the only reason I had my granddaughter for the weekend is because I didn't want to break my promise that she could come to grammie's house. It would break my heart to let her down. Believe me...I had my moments - but for the most part her being here actually helped me take my mind off of everything! Can you imagine that...a 2.5 year old helping a 44 year old, and not even knowing it.

Jenn...you said "be kind to yourself". I think in time that will come. Thank you. Right now its difficult for me to even walk out my front door.

I do know that you and the others have given me some hope that "I" will survive - even though I just don't feel that way right now.

Oh...and note to self: Never... and I mean "never" come to my journal and starting typing thoughts and feelings before going to bed at night! I did that last night and couldn't get to sleep. My mind was too engaged.

I heard a song on the radio today called "The Whole Thing" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson (a Canadian country music performer). I haven't located the lyrics online yet (its a new song) - but it talks about not wanting to have only a little piece...a portion (etc.) - but wanting "the whole thing" (in a relationship). And if "the whole thing" cannot happen...then she would rather be alone.

That got me to thinking...ya - I want the whole thing too. I want the whole of his heart...the whole of his loyalty and devotion...the whole of his honesty...the whole of his part in this marriage. I don't want a portion or a piece of these things because to me that's like having nothing at all...and I would rather be alone.

This time around I can see he is making an effort (so far). He's switched his shifts around so that he could go to meetings on Wednesday nights. He's talked about getting a sponsor. That's more than what he's done before.

JENN...you said, "Yes it is hard to go back because when we are feeling close and connected" - and I thought that I cannot remember the last time that my H and I were feeling close and connected...even before the discovery this past week. I hope to get there though. Time will tell, I guess.

I think I'm having some difficulty writing things down today. I've got so many thoughts and fears whirling around in my head that I don't seem to have the know-how to seperate everything to write it down clearly. So...for now I will go to the boards.

[NewHope10]

Well...my head is swimming today! The varying emotions are really overwhelming sometimes. So much to digest...so much to think about...so many feelings!!!

I mentioned in another thread that I cried a few times today. Not a good bawl (yet)...but its seeping out a little at a time.

I don't know...maybe I have to "allow" myself to really feel the hurt in order to start my own recovery. Just a thought.

When I see my H trying so hard...it softens my heart towards him. Yes...I know...its only been a week since discovery - but I've never seen him work at his PA like this before. I am so proud of him. He is phoning into meetings and he is going to attend his first meeting in person this Wednesday.

Then...I start to fear for the future. The "what if". I guess that's where living one day at a time comes in. That is soooooo difficult right now! In one moment I can...the next moment - I fear! I fear not only of him using - but I fear what I will have to do if that happens.

Yes...I know...I cannot think like that. I cannot put my head in that space. I only have today...right now. I know I'm supposed to think about healing me - and that's all I have control over.

Oh ya...if I'm going to be truthful here - I might as well admit that I'm feeling sorry for myself at times too.

UGH!!!! Someone stop this ride and let me off!

I don't even know if I'm making any sense here. Like I said...so many thoughts...so many emotions - up and down and up and down.

Something to be grateful for...the anger has lessened.

Another thing to be grateful for...I found this site and all of you.

A final thought of something to be grateful for...my H loves me enough to get help.

[Kathy]

Welcome NH,

After reading what you wrote...I realize that so much is the same for alot of us SO's...

It's been just about four weeks since I've learned the whole ugly truth...I thought I heard it all in June - but it was just a lie. He tried for almost two weeks of being 'p' free, but my 'h' started all over again once we were back from a great vacation. It wasn't until I snooped again (I was still a bit suspicious)...and it was just horrible. Feel free to read my journal and my husbands (Chasman62)...

To this day...and I know it will take time for me to rebuild my whole trust again, that hasn't gone by that has me still wondering 'what if' and the 'why's'...but now I honestly can see through his eyes his love for me and yes he is totally done with that ugly side of himself. We talk so openly again - it's just so lovely. But the doubt is still there in the back of my wee brain, and I so look forward to the day that it's gone!

I'm not very consistent on my journal - but I do look forward to what others have to say and I 'thank them'...there are many lovely SO's here!!! Welcome.

Cheers,
Kathy