I'm Just Lost

[MIgirl]

Hello everyone,
My husband is trying to get help with his P addiction he is curranlty dragging his feet to go to thearpy for the second time. Just since this year I found out how bad his addiction really is. I thought it was just something he liked and would be able to stop. I had no idea. Our realitionship has more than P problems. I resent his mom a lot. She's the meanist person I have ever met. The past 2 years I realized how bad she is to be around or unhealthy it is. So it makes me so mad cause I know a lot of his problems come from his child hood. I try to not blame it on her but it's hard. I just found out the other day he has been doing this since 6th grade. I had no idea. I'm not sure were our realitionship will end up. It's a real rocky road. I love him and he is my best friend but I never thought I would end up with a man that treats me like this. I do deserve better. he did after all leave me on christmas day to fly back home to be with his mommy while my Grandma died with me. Ugh That wound is deep. We now want different things in life and I'm not sure I can live with what he wants.
P.S. I am sorry for no paragraphs and the typing errors I won't let me start new paragraphs and I click spell check and it's not working :) Any newbie help would be appreciated

[Crisodian]

MIGirl,
Welcome to TTF and journaling. You're off to a great start.

Regarding formatting, don't worry too much about it. :) None of us really do. A word of caution, sometimes long posts disapear when you are typing them. There are 2 ways to combat that issue. One is to ensure you check the "Keep me logged in" checkbox when you sign in, and the second is to copy and past any long post into a document editor (like Word or Corel) before you submit. Then if you time out and the post is lost, you have the copy. That's what I use to spell check as well.

Regarding you husband and his PA, share with us a bit how you found out about his PA, what you have done to confront him, and what you are doing to heal for yourself. :) There are lots of strong, supportive SOs (wives/partners of PAs) here at TTF who can give you lots of support, guidance, and help you find healing while they too travel the path of recovery with their partners.

Find peace,
~C~

[TrueBlue]

Hi MIgirl!

Like Crisodian said, these journals are a great place to sort out your thoughts and sometimes get feedback and support, or at least people who can UNDERSTAND, which for me is a huge blessing.

Don't really have anything mindshattering to tell you, just wanted to let you know that I totally understand about having challenging in-laws. My mother-in-law doesn't know about my husband's porn problem, just that he has been unhappy. Of course she tells our other relatives that it's because of me....yay...

Anyways, hang in there!
TrueBlue

[Sonomette]

Heya, and welcome!

This isn't the most fun place to be-- but it's a GOOD place to be. Just learning that you're not alone helps immensely.

As far as newbie writing advice? Click on the little a/A thing in the upper right corner of the reply box. It'll change the reply box that's MUCH easier to use. LOL... it took me nearly a week here before I figured that one out. :)

Try taking a look around other people's journals, PAs and SOs alike. It helped me a lot to know that there were other SOs feeling what I was feeling, and it helped me understand things from the PAs point of view too.

Once again... I'm both sorry and glad that you're here.

Big hugs,
S

[youngarmywife]

Hey, MIgirl! Welcome to TTF.

Similar to TrueBlue, I don't have any real advice to give. I just wanted to let you know that I understand your pain when it comes to your mother-in-law. My husband's mother is a really "mean" person too. That is a perfectly accurate way to describe her. Mean and nasty. While she has no idea about his SA/PA, the problems that she actively causes make it just that much harder to cope with what is going on behind closed doors in our marriage. I feel for you and I'm sorry you're experiencing all this.

Please, continue to journal. You're off on the right foot. Journaling has helped me a lot in dealing with my husband's PA as well as my own personal issues. Take solace in it.

Hugs,
YAW

[debv]

Just chiming in to welcome you here. Sorry you have to be here, but as others have said, this is a good place to be when you find yourself in this mess. It helps so much to know you aren't alone in your experiences and feelings. It's scary how often I read what other people write and think I could have written it myself. But it's far more comforting than scary, because I know someone else understands.

[MIgirl]

Well I first found out about his looking when I checked the internet history. This was 7 years ago. I just told him I didn't accept that kind of thing and to stop. I told him how it hurt me. I caught him several times after this. We went and got help about 2 1/2 years ago. Our insurance only covered I think 6 visits so that's all he went. I thought it would end. the therapist said he did it for stress relief. When we moved out to AZ it got really bad. We almost got divorced cause he hated it out there so much. This is when I found out he spent over $500 on P in about 4 months. This was so shocking to me. A major eye opener as to he couldn't help what he was doing
He promised to get help since we were in the middle of moving I understood why he didn't want to start out there. Well we have been moved for 2 months and he still is dragging his feet. It's a hassle with our insurance to get therapy so he said if I dealt with insurance and got everything around he would go, gee thanks.

[MIgirl]

Thanks everyone for the support. I hate myself for thinking some of the things I am right now. My husband was in a bad mood this morning and whenever he's grumpy I think it's his addiction giving him problems. Then I can't stop thinking about it. I never think it's just a bad mood cause he's having a bad day I always assume it's him wanting and needing his P. I can't look at him without disgust. I feel horrible about it. But I can't stop imagining all the nasty things he's seen.
I think I found a therapist hopefully insurance will allow us to use him. he does p addiction and family adolescent counseling. Since he has been doing it at a very young age I think it's due to something in his childhood. I can't tell him this cause me and my MIL do not get along. So if I start blaming her, he will get very defensive. I just wish he could see the damage she causes to a lot of peoples lives. She is the reason I wanted to move to AZ. He would never stand up to her and she treated me like crap. So my solution was to move to AZ :) opps it was a mistake but he can't forgive me for it. Let me tell you I had a lot less stress in my life without her in it though!

[NewHope10]

But I can't stop imagining all the nasty things he's seen.

Hi MIgirl. I'm new too. I too have a difficult time with not thinking about all my H's seen.

Just wanting you to know that you are not alone - and to thank you for sharing.

[MIgirl]

Thanks hope and welcome also.
I set up my husbands appointment. I think I found a good match with a therapist. When I told him about it he was really umm I don't know the word, he couldn't focus I know he doesn't want to go, and he seemed so nervous. He said he knows he needs to go but he just hates going. I don't understand why it's so bad. I can't help but think he's not telling me a lot. He doesn't go until Oct. So hopefully he will have time to think and reflect on his past and problems.
How do I get over these thoughts of disgust and I can't stop worrying. Anytime he's mad or frustrated I always blame it on his addiction. Does it just take time?