Sonomette's Self Scrutiny (now with 100% more alliteration)

[Sonomette]

Hello,
I'm Sonomette. Maybe you know me, maybe you don't. But thank you for taking the time to read this.

Like a lot of the rest of the SO's here, I have dealt with all kinds of explict misbehavior for years. Infidelity-- P-- the feeling that I can't have any friends because he fantasizes about them all. Yep. It's been a terrible, miserable experience for me, and one that I would have run screaming from if I had known what was in store for me when he asked me to marry him.

I seem to have many symptoms of PTSD, from flashbacks to hypervigilance to irritability to nightmares to insomnia. It's a nasty place to be, mentally.

Strangely enough, H is a vet and has these symptoms himself. I in no way minimize what he's going through, and have tried my best to be supportive and understanding of the issues from rocket attacks and mortars. However, I was told I was just being overly dramatic, and was bringing up old issues just for the sake of bringing them up. The lack of consideration and empathy astonishes me. We could watch Black Hawk Down a few times, and I could tell him that he's just being silly and that it's just a movie. Not the same thing, at least, not quite, but it would be heartless of me to do that and I would never. Bah, and bah again.

I'm currently at a loss. I have been told repeatedly that this will never happen again. I've been told that he really truly understand what he did and how it hurt me... and then he does it all over again. A certain song comes to mind whenever he speaks-- Liar, by Henry Rollins Band. You might be familiar with it, and if not, I suggest you at least look up the lyrics. It's been his entrance theme in my head, much like Darth Vader had the Imperial March. Not nice, Sonomette.

Right now though, as mad as I am, I'm a bit hopeful. Out of all the times he's said he'd try, this is the first time EVER that he has actually done something. I didn't fuss at him and didn't nag at him, but his secret stash on his harddrive is now gone, and he sent me the link to this site so I could talk to an understanding group of people and learn that I'm not alone.

The guilt and shame I feel about this is immense. I can't talk to my family, and because he's had a history of being crap around friends, I don't have any of those. I fear that anyone I do talk to would feel that either 1) I'm making a big deal over nothing, or 2) that I need to leave this monster immediately.

It's not nothing. I don't get panic attacks and nearly uncontrollable rage over "nothing". He's also not a monster. For the most part, he's a really good guy. He has a problem though, a BIG one, and we both need help because of it.

I'm tired of suffering in silence, and to be honest, I'm just plain tired. The fight or flight adrenaline response can only last so long-- in my case, it's six years and counting. I just want out of this mess, and I hope it will be with him.

Thanks for reading this far. Comments are more than welcome, and I look forward to making friends because of our shared enemy.

With much love,
Sonomette

[Sonomette]

Five years ago today, my H and I were in a tiny hotel room, wondering what ws going to happen to our home in New Orleans as Hurricane Katrina threatened to devastate everything in three states.
I remember back to how good we were for each other then. He was my strength when I needed it... I was his strength when he needed it. We worked as a team and faced our fear and loss together.
As everything else got pushed to the side, my marriage felt stronger during the time of awfulness than it did when everything was supposedly okay.
Maybe I need to remember that. Maybe I need to stop having a selective memory, and remember that when the chips were down, that he was there.
It's easy to demonize him over this, and make no mistake, he has hurt me immensely. But he's also been there for me during the worst of times. I'm guilty of forgetting his good and focusing on his bad.
I need to change my attitude and start being a lot more fair. Not for him, but for me.

[Sonomette]

Wow, I'm writing a lot. There's so much to deal with at this point though, and I'm an excited, cynical, hopeful, jaded ball of emotion right now.... and that is okay. In fact, I think that's to be expected.
As I read through post after post on this site, I have gained clarity into so many things, and I have been so pleasantly surprised along the way. One thing that surprised me-- and please don't take this the wrong way, folks-- is that everyone I have spoken to is really, really nice. They are kind, intelligent, sensitive individuals, and seem to want to not only recieve help,but also to give it. I've spoken with (or typed with, depending on how accurate you'd like to be) with both PAs and Sos, and find myself genuinely liking everyone.
For a long while, I saw myself as a whiny wifey, and my husband as a totally insensitive pervatron. I came here, and in all my looking, I have plenty in common with the rest of these strong, amazing, patient SOs, and I don't think they are whining in the slightest. They are gutsy enough to speak about something hurtful honestly and openly, and allow others to learn from their experiences. As for the PAs? Well... the posts I have seen aren't insensitive or boorish or chauvinistic. They too are gutsy enough to speak out about a damaging force in their life in a way that's engaging, honest, and open.
If I have a lot in common with these SOs, who I respect, then maybe I'm not a whiny wifey. If I can see a lot of my H in the PAs on here,who I also respect, maybe my H isn't the living-to-wound-me jerk I accuse him of being.
I think I have had a revelation in being here: my H and I are both multifaceted, complex people, and we both struggle. To sum him up in one sentence isn't fair, and to think of myself in terms of one word isn't fair. We both deserve much more than that.

So, for the time being, I'm positive. I'm not saying that everything will be perfect in 24 hours, but I know that I am learning a lot. I think Alika said that "the marriage is ours". Well, so are the problems. Although his PA/SA has GOT to go... I need to learn how to deal with him differently. I became cynical and jaded very early on in our relationship, and sad to say, bitchiness comes rather naturally to me. That is MY problem, and I am the one who needs to work on it. He could be free from impure thoughts and deeds for the rest of his natural life, but if I continue to be a mean spirited martyr, our relationship will not work.
Happily, he is working too. He has not avoided the problem today, but instead has actually talked to me.He's been working on a journal. He's been reading. He's been affectionate towards me and sweet to the kids.
I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, but at least we're on the same road right now. At least we're traveling together at the moment.
Everything might just end up okay. Maybe down the road there is a happily ever after waiting for us. And maybe Bob Marley wasn't high when he sang ".... and every little thing is gonna be alright". I think he might have been onto something.

[debv]

Welcome Sonomette! Wow, you've shown incredible growth in the first few hours you've been posting! Of course, it sounds like you've been aware of your issues with your H for years, though, which helps your clarity. When I came to this site, like many of us SOs, I had only known about my H's PA for days. My world was crumbling in; to use the same analogy, you've been living in the rubble for a while. (Sorry for the analogy to a Katrina survivor...)

I hope your H continues to make progress, and that you do too.

[JenMac]

HI Sonomette,
Well you are experiencing the magic of this site! It certainly can have a great influence on how we interact and relate with our Hs. It is a coming together place for us, as couples, if we allow it to be.
I am so glad you guys found your way here and are feeling the support of others here. The warmth and wisdom in this place is inspiring to say the least!
Jenn

[Sonomette]

LOL.. don't apologize for the analogy to a Katrina evacuee. I actually wrote and recently published a book about it, and while there were some very scary times, and some times I wouldn't wish on anyone, there were some pretty amazing things that happened too. I'm reluctant to give out the address because I cherish my anonymity on here and would hate to come up in a Google search.... but if you're interested (and discrete) PM me and I'll send you the details.

Yesterday was good, last night was hard, this morning was hard.

I could chalk up last night to talking more and bringing up unpleasant memories, but also that I was tired, hot, and my thumb hurt. Pain has a way of making me a little more sensitive to everything in my life. That woman at Walmart who pushed in front of me isn't a problem if I'm not in pain, but I want to slash her tires if I am in pain. Meh.

Actually, that brings me to a bit of a problem that I have, and that's one of wanting to be violent just to blow off steam. I know that I could do some really terrible, hurtful things to certain people and have absolutely no remorse over it. I haven't done ityet (or I'd be writing this down on a scrap of paper in a jail cell) but I could.

Once my thumb heals, I am going to get back into boxing. It's a great outlet for anger and aggression, and punching a bag hurts no one (except perhaps me, if I'm rusty on proper form). Pushing myself to exhaustion physically will help. After a shoulder surgery in the summer of 2009, a knee surgery this past summer, and now a dislocated and soft tissue damaged thumb, I'm getting antsy to actually do something and get strong again. I used to be really strong and really fit. Recovery doesn't help that much, and it's not good just to lay there for hours on end, high as a kite on pain meds, and contemplating the ceiling tiles. Meh. I'm so over it, and here's to hoping that I don't get taken out by the pup again. He's big and strong as an ox. Perhaps next year I can hook him up to a plow so he can help me start the garden that he will inevitably destroy later on....

This morning ws bad because I woke up to find H on his computer. He wasn't doing anything wrong, but those patterns he set were so strong that I flipped out before my eyes were even open. However, he wasn't searching for his fix like I had woken upp to so many other mornings. He had taken a lot of time on this site and was looking at a design site that he frequents. I felt like a bit of an idiot, but I would much rather apologize for freaking out over nothing than to know that he disappointed me yet again. I am used to him being a certain way, and in the last few days, he hasn't been that way. It's odd, and although things are much better between us, I'm a little bit confused about who this new person is and how to deal with him. He LOOKS like my husband, but he's being sweet and concerned and honest. It couldn't possibly BE my husband, could it? Hrm... gotta think about that one.

Regarding the query that I have known about his habits for awhile: yes I have. I've known for many years. I guess it's easier for me in a way, simply because my whole world wasn't completely rocked a week ago. I've made sense of a lot of this, and dealt with a lot myself. I may be new to the site, but dealing with SA/PA is nothing new in my life, and I think it shows.

[Sonomette]

Do I ever stop talking? In a word, no. But I tend not to express anything in one word, so here we go again with the chatter.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has given up on a lot of self-care things. When faced with depression, I wear baggy (not intentionally-- I mean ill-fitting) clothing, no makeup,and I couldn't care less about my hair.

In short, I just stop giving a crap about how I look. And that, my friends, is not me. I'm not vain, but I feel better when I take pride in my appearance.

I'm setting a goal for this week: Stop being a apathetic slug.

As a writer and a stay at home mom, it's SO easy to lounge around in pj pants and an old, over sized t. I don't NEED to fix chipped nail polish, so why bother? The dogs don't care if I'm wearing mascara, so I don't.

Well, I care. I do. I've let myself become slovenly in my anxiety and depression, and while eyeliner will not transform me into America's Next Top Model, it'll make me feel more put together and pretty.

I need to feel pretty right now. I always did. It's not about competing with anyone else, it's about me presenting myself in a way that makes ME feel good.

So. This week, I will NOT allow myself to be "too tired" to shower. I WILL get dressed in real, not bedtime or yard work clothing. I WILL drink more water than coffee, as my skin looks better when I do that (not to mention how much heathier it is for my insides!). I WILL wear cosmetics-- even a little lip gloss can make me feel more put together. And I WILL fix my nails, my brows, and those grungy callouses that walking around barefoot all summer have gotten me.

Maybe this is shallow. Maybe I'M shallow. Still, if lip gloss can make me feel better-- and it can-- then why am I not using it? I've become complacent. Enough of that. Sonomette is going to be making a comeback.

[JenMac]

Hey Sonomette!
I don't think it is shallow at all to want to look your best. I think we all get a lot of strength from feeling good about ourselves both inside and out. I know, for me, it helped that I had just made major changes for myself in my lifestyle. It meant that I was looking and feeling better about myself than I had in years. I was very thankful for that through this as I think it didn't crush my self esteem as much as it would have otherwise.
The same can be said for the feeling I can get when my house is clean and tidy. It gives me a feeling of being more together, more in control. When things are cluttered and untidy, I feel like I am less able to manage. For the first few months I couldn't do anything more than put one foot ahead of the other. Cleaning, cooking, everything put on the back burner. My house looked like I felt, disorganized and uncared for. Thankfully over time, I have regained my energy and while I still have times that I can succumb to that again, it is not so often or so long!
Progress not Perfection!
I am glad you are feeling inspired. When you make time for yourself you can't help but feel better!
Jenn

[Sonomette]

Good point you bring up about the house. It's next on the list. I don't like the disorganization, the clutter, and the unkempt appearance, but I have had so much on my plate that I just ignore it... or get overwhelmed and quit.
I think working on myself is definitely first on the list-- All progress is both mine to be responsible for, and mine to be proud of.
The house? Well... that's a different story. We've got teens and tween, large, clumsy dogs, and a lot of work I do gets undone in the matter of seconds. That's just the way of it around here. If I do the dishes and clean the kitchen, I can come back in 45 mins later and find a sink full of dishes waiting to be done. At this point, I think I just feel used when I work on the house. So... while I will not live in filth... I can put up with clutter until my self esteem is a little better, and I don't take that sink full of dishes as a sign of disrespect and lack of appreciation for what I do.

[Sonomette]

I'm spitting venom right now, and have a few questions. Nothing in particular happened, except that I have my ups and downs much like anyone else.
1) What are you going to say if our daughter marries someone like you? Are you going to tell her that it's not a big deal when her husband cheats and lies and manipulates her? Are you going to tell her to stop being sensitive because "Every guy does it"? How about when she gets an STD from his philandering? Will you have sympathy, or will you blame her for not making an appointment for him? Will you realize that by the time she KNOWS that she needs testing-- that she's probably already been exposed? Do you realize that STDs are no longer always fixed by a trip to the doctor for penicillin? Do you realize that they could kill her?

2) What are you going to say if your sons turn out like you? How are you going to comfort your grandchildren as their parents are going through a divorce? Are you going to tell your daughters-in-law that this kind of behavior is just to be expected? That they don't deserve better? Will you be angry at them for being strong women and holding your sons responsible for their behavior? Will you help your sons sneak, lie, cheat and hurt?

3) Do you realize how much of what we had is a lie? Do you have any idea of how many times you manipulated and gaslighted me, just because you had to get a fix? Do you realize that that is, by definition, sadistic? Do you realize that this is your problem that you dumped all over me? Do you realize that it's my problem now too? And do you realize that even if you are clean and sober for the rest of your life... that what we could have had will never come to be? We can still be friends, and we can still be together... but do you have any clue about how much potential you ruined with your selfishness? Do you realize that, unless you have a time machine, you cannot take back what you've done? Even if it's sincere, do you have any idea how completely inadequate "sorry" is?

Well.... do you?