It's been a week....

[Kathy]

Now that I have finally figured out how to 'journal', I now have to get to work for a few hours, but I promised my husband 'Chasman62' that I would start posting, even it's a few lines...

This past week has been an eye-opener for me. I truly NEVER, NEVER knew how bad of a state that my husband was in...I was suspicious about it, he 'was' GREAT at lying to me (he always knew how to make a story a better one) but never in my life would I have thought it was this bad. It/he made me feel bad about myself...I'll never be good enough for him in appearance, intelligence, and sexual. I'm just not that appealing to him...where in God's name have I gone sooo wrong...

I know Chasman is on the right path and he will recover...I hope to get out of this is trust...I don't need gifts from him, just TRUST.

One happy note...while at the gym this a.m., I finally looked at myself in the many mirrors around me and smiled. I have not done that in years!!! Whenever I would catch a glimpse, I would just groan and be depressed - but I was always determined to continue - if not for him, for ME...and as I write this, I am wondering...is that why I am 'strong' in going through this horrible time in my life...working out, has not only toned me up but MENTALLY is helping me through all this. /:)

I love these little smiles!!! Anyway, I shall continue with my journal at a later time, I really do need to leave...I look forward to hearing/reading to/from you in the days ahead! We will be away from the computers Thursday through Sunday...I will see you then.
Cheers...

p.s. my future journal writings, I am sure, will not be so chipper... but for today...I am excited that I finally can post (pathetic, a?)

[chasman62]

Thank you so much for doing this. I know it is not easy for you and I appreciate it more than I can say.

Love you now and forever.

Chas

[JenMac]

Hi Kathy!
Happy to see you posting!

'I hope to get out of this is trust...I don't need gifts from him, just TRUST."

I just said the same thing to my H, he feels like he owes me so much. I told him he can never repay, all he can do is rebuild.

Also, I can totally understand how you feel about the gym making you feel better about yourself. While it is not exactly the gym for me, it has to do with a lifestyle change for me a couple of years ago and weight loss that has me feeling the best I have in years. I have more confidence, energy and vitality. I am very thankful that I was in this state when I made this discovery or it would have made things even worse than they are. I look and feel 10 years younger than I felt 2 years ago. It also makes me realize even more that the addiction is not my fault, not my cross to bear.

I am glad you are feeling good today. That is all we can ask for, One Day at a Time!

Jenn

[debv]

Welcome Kathy! I too understand how he gym can help. It gives you something to do (I'm sure you're busy, but I found at first I needed to be non-stop busy or it ate my brain) and it makes you feel better about yourself. There's a real physiological response to exercise that releases brain chemicals that literally make you feel better. Plus, like JenMac said, you start to look better too, and be more healthy and strong, all of which helps. I've lost 20-ish pounds (was down 22, but now I'm gaining, I think because of increasing muscle mass since I've added planks, push-ups, and sit-ups to my routine, or so I'm telling myself since my clothes still fit well) and am stronger than I've been in ages. All of that helps.

At this point, make sure you keep doing what you need to do for you.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Kathy,

Thank you for your post in my journal. I am going to keep running and you keep kicking butts at the gym.

I wish you well in this journey, wherever it leads.

[Kathy]

since I heard the disgusting/ugly truth from my husband about his 'p' usage. It will soon be 21 free days for him and I am soooo happy to see a fresh/relaxed man in my daily life again. The hugs and kisses are genuine...they are for ME...

But, I still have my up/down moments...prior to us going to watch our local baseball team on Saturday, I had made a phone call to someone about the possibility of getting together to discuss bathroom renovations. As I was trying to watch/enjoy the game, all I could think about was how much money he had spent on the 'p' sites (and still the why's) and how that money should have been spent on the renovations, etc...it made me sad.=(( Then when one of the players hit a homerun which set a new record for him, I somewhat snapped out of feeling blue and shared in the cheers and excitement..."What was done, is done. We are now moving forward" I kept reminding myself. We get home, had a nice meal and discussed my feelings with my 'h'. It was such a RELIEF for me to finally be able to open up to him with EASE about the way I had felt on Saturday...

I guess what I'm trying to write/say here is that "Yes, things are much better - but the whys and doubts are still hanging out with me at times". I know it's going to take time to heal, but I so look forward to that moment when they are no longer around. Cardio kickboxing starts in a few weeks time...maybe I can kick/box them out of me for once and for all!!!???

School starts tomorrow for the elementary kids/teachers and being back at work with them will keep me busy 'again'.

Enjoy labor day everyone...happy shopping???

Cheers,
Kathy

[JenMac]

Hey Kathy,
I am happy to see that you are feeling good for the most part. I think it is perfectly normal to have those up and down feelings but it looks like you are handling them very well.
Nice to feel like you have your husband back! Nice to have that reconnection!
Are you heading back to work as well? If so, wishing you all the best as you get busy again! It really is a busy time of year after the lazy days of summer. Hope I can handle it!!
Best wishes,
Jenn

[Kathy]

Hi Jenn,

Thanks for your post = yes, you too, have a good week back with the kids/students! Hoping to sleep through the night...that is one thing that I've failed/meant to journal...I want a good nights sleep. Haven't slept very well since the beginning of the summer. I've tried 'unisom' but feel so dopey/druggie in the a.m., I threw those out. Now, I've been taking the natural herb - melan'something' (brain freeze)..at night. I don't have a problem falling asleep, it's just that when I wake up at 2, 3 or 4:00 a.m., I can't get back to sleep!!! Then when I do, the alarm will surely go off!!!

Anyway, enjoy the hugs from the little ones and the one big 'h' one...I know I will!!! Cheers...

[Kathy]

there were some weird emotions that my 'h' was feeling this a.m. He had a strange look on his face and I couldn't figure it out. Although he said he was fine, I just wasn't feeling confident today. Got to work, great to see kids/parents today - even though I dreaded answering them that my summer was great, etc., when really it wasn't the summer I was expecting to have. The lies, the final truth, the HURT, etc...don't wish it upon anyone. But, at least, I can say; in due time, our relationship is/will continue to be the best that it has ever been...even during the ups/downs, we can remind each other that we love each other 'more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow' (or so the song says...).

What a day...I am tired - I miss going to the gym...oh well, shall go...

[JenMac]

Hi Kathy!
Glad you had a good day even with all the emotions hanging about. You are right, it was not the summer we were hoping for but wasn't it good that we had the time to devote to it at least. That is how I feel anyway. I did expect though to be in a better place when I went back to work. It surprises me somewhat how strongly this still effects us almost six months in.
You have a good thought though, about all of this and where you are headed. Good for you! It is great think good thoughts about the future. It helps when we can see the steps our Hs are striving to take!
Wishing you all the best Kathy!
Take care!
Jenn