True Blue Wife's Outlet

[TrueBlue]

I've been dealing with the most recent discovery of my h's p use for less than a week, and I feel like I could write a novel here.

Breif history: We have been married for almost 5 years, have 3yr old twin boys, and a 4 month old baby boy. Before we were married we discussed many things, including p. My stance: it is wrong, it is cheating, it is disgusting, I don't like it. Hubby's stance at the time: it's not cheating, guys do it all the time, what she doesn't know she can't yell about. Big difference here. He agreed, however, that since I didn't like it, he wouldn't look at it, and at the time, I thought that was good enough.

First time I caught him was after a big fight. He rationalized that it was because he was mad and hurt and needed an outlet, and I accepted this- with the condition that it wouldn't happen again.

I was then blissfully ignorant until after the twins were born. The first time I left the house without the children, he put them in their cribs and looked at ALOT of porn. He accidentally saved a movie to the desktop, and even after clearing the browser history, forgot to also clear out Quicktime. I was devistated, but I allowed his rationalizations of 1) he wasn't spending any money on it 2) I wouldn't have been upset if I hadn't been snooping/checking up on him 3) he wasnt' talking to an old girlfriend or cheating and 4) it was a slip up because he was bored and accidentally found one site and kept going from there. I feel stupid for beleiving any of this now, but I didn't know then what I do now.

After that time, he was much better about deleting only part of the browsing history, so I wouldn't know. No p was on the desktop, and quicktime had been deleted, so I was once again nearly blissfully ignorant. A few time I would see something suspect and he would play the "I'm so hurt that you don't trust me I haven't been doing any of that" card. I kind of knew that he was looking at porn once in a while, but it didn't bother me, because I didn't admit it to myself, and I guess I blamed myself for being exhausted and later pregnant. It was easier for me to believe his lies than call him out.

So this last time, I explained in my introduction forum post. Caught him, thought it was one time, found lots of history.

I wrote him a letter, after we discussed divorce. I basically said that the trust is gone, and if he wants to earn it back he has to do more than just promise to quit. This is the first time that I didn't yell or get "over-emotional" (one of his old accusations that invalidates my feelings and still ~X(). We had rational discussions and made agreements, things that he had to do, things that I had to do, and things that we both have to do to salvage our marriage.

Hubby is far too ashamed to go to counseling or talk to people who know him about this addiction, and just how close he came to destroying our family. He has agreed, however, to read some of the posts on this site, and maybe even join it and participate. This is the first time he hasn't shut me out of his thinking process, and I am so hopeful. I'm oddly happier now that we have a plan than I was when I was believing the lies.

Thank you again TTF founders.

TrueBlueWife

[JenMac]

HI again TrueBlue,
I am sorry for the pain you are feeling at this time in your life when you should be feeling the happiest with your wonderful little family! What a blessing to have 3 beautiful children!
I am in a very different place in my life as my H and I have been married over 30 years with 2 grown children but I can remember well the times when they were young.
I must say that I wish my H and I had come to understanding the far reaching effects of P when we were younger. We had a couple of instances over our long marriage where this created a problem. Newly married - books, magazines. 11 years ago - a video or 2. Most recently, internet P. Not until this last time being discovered do I believe my H really saw it as a problem. He stayed away most of the time because he knew I did not like it but he never saw it as a problem to himself. Even when it was first discovered this time, I don't think he knew it was a problem. It was not until he was away from it for a while, went to counselling and started reading here and other places, that he understood and admitted there was an addiction. The internet has opened up a lot of people to the possibility of addiction, I believe. We did not have that when we were newly married.
So we are dealing with it now.
You guys have a chance to put this in order now if you are both ready and willing. It will take a lot of hard work but the end results will be worth it!
Your journal is a great start for you on the way to healing! It is important to express your feelings!
Take care of yourself and those little ones!
Jenn

[TrueBlue]

It seems we are either trying to ignore the situation or are caught in the depths of it and have a hard time dealing with it.
I am feeling very tired of it all. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Feeling very down and out. Very caught up in it all!
5 weeks tomorrow! Hard to believe! I just want it all to go away!

I know this is an old post for JenMac, but I've been reading posts all over this site. It's like first aid, something to keep the hurt from killing me.

My agreement with hubby is that he must be fully honest with me when I ask questions, no matter how embarassing or difficult. In return, I don't try to start serious conversations when we don't have time for them (ie, right before he has to go to work, or when we are playing with the kids). The other thing that I am doing to help my sanity is telling him before we talk, ok, stressful stuff for half an hour, and then we are just gonna relax and spend time together until it's time to go to sleep.

He tells me he finds it much easier to deal with the instinctive defensiveness and desire to lie to minimize the damage when he knows that I'm not going to brow beat him for hours on end. And I feel better knowing that after I process smaller bits of information privately I can better ask the questions that I need answers to.

It's all new and experimental, but I'm so hopeful about it. I keep telling myself, If I can make it easier for him to be honest and clean, then I can be happier. I mean, it still makes me cry, but I'm not yelling and swearing, or trying to punish him (but don't you know I've thought about it).

That being said, I'm gonna go hang out with my kiddoes and try to turn off the crying part of my brain. Hubby said he would check out this site after the kids go to bed tonight, so I'm sure there will be plenty of crying then, lol.

[artguy34]

Welcome TrueBlue,

Your H sounds a lot like me with what you described. I am sorry to see you're in this position, but I am glad that you and your H have taken the first steps to heal together.

One thing I wanted to mention about your post from a PA perspective...

Hubby is far too ashamed to go to counseling or talk to people who know him about this addiction, and just how close he came to destroying our family. He has agreed, however, to read some of the posts on this site, and maybe even join it and participate. This is the first time he hasn't shut me out of his thinking process, and I am so hopeful. I'm oddly happier now that we have a plan than I was when I was believing the lies.

While I think it is great that he is not shutting you out, I also feel that if he can let go of his shame and research counselors who specialize in SA and PA, he will find it very helpful for his recovery. Now I admit that each person is different in how they choose to heal, but I think counseling is worth it. Especially from what you post, he seems to understand just how much he almost lost with his addiction.

I hope your H comes to TTF and takes a look and joins us. There is a wealth of information and support for both of you.

Good Luck on your road to recovery.

AG

[Charly22]

Your words describe everything I've heard and felt and been through. I am hopeful for you too, as it seems you have done alot of soul searching and have come to a good place to try to hold his hand through this. One of the first things I learned and zoned in on when I first came to this site, is how I had to remove my anger and bitterness when communicating. Without that, we are doomed.

I like your plan and routine, it sounds proper to me. This kind of thing takes time to work through. And I'm glad he has agreed to come here and read..... there's so much here to learn and obtain.

Just wanted to say I am hopeful with you

[debv]

I know how you feel. My PA/H used for 14 years, starting right before I got pregnant with our older son. I had no idea. I found P on the computer once, browsing history, when our son was @3. I was devastated, especially since my H has always been very critical of my body shape/weight, even before I was pregnant, but especially during the pregnancy and after. (Son #2 is adopted, thus only one pregnancy.) I had just had a conversation with him about lack of s3x in our relationship being related to my feelings that 1) he didn't find me physically attractive and 2) he didn't connect with me emotionally. I found the P no more than 2 or 3 days later, and felt horribly betrayed! He said the same things your H did - he found one site and followed it to another and another, that he hadn't done it before, that he wouldn't do it again. Lies, all of them. And I had no idea. 10 years later, I found out not only was he addicted, but had moved from the white-bread stuff I found the first time to stuff much more depraved, violent, and disgusting.

I greatly urge your H to find a support group or a counselor, or both. My H quit in November, but really didn't start his path to healing until March or so, when he finally found a counselor who had any idea about PA, and who he connected with. That's when he started going to SLAA (sex-love addicts anonymous), a 12-step program. I'm not keen on 12-step programs, but my H says he's getting a lot out of it.

I still haven't worked out communications with DudeWaffle (he's on this site), but we're trying. I do try to keep it calm, but it's hard. It hits me viscerally, and I can't help but react emotionally, and usually I'm a very logical, controlled person. Our counselor (who specializes in PA and SA) insists we not talk about it when the kids are around or after 6 p.m., a rule we have to violate or never talk about it at all, basically. I do recommend not talking in front of the kids; even at this age, you don't want them to hear some of this stuff. They may not understand what they hear, but they may repeat it when you don't want them to.

Good luck to you. ((hugs))

[TrueBlue]

I feel stupid now when I read how optimistic I was even just yesterday.

We have ground rules set up in our house now.
1 no serious talk in front of the kids
2 only talking when we have time to
3 no porn...well, obviously
4 no rushing off to the computer, even just to play video games, without first checking on the activities of the rest of the family members (ie playing games is not a suitable substitute for being a husband and father)
5 parental controls are set up on hubby's comp, and can easily be turned on on mine...but hubby swore up and down that he wouldn't touch my computer...so the rule is unless I am sitting with him or know exactly what he is doing he doesn't touch it
6 no threats of divorce or separation...it just adds stress and makes it harder to focus on resolving issues instead of running away
7 transparency and honesty on both our parts, even when it's uncomfortable
8 I don't swear at him or tell him he's disgusting
9 as long as i keep conversation stress-free during the agreed upon peace times, he's not allowed to tell me that I'm being obsessive

So today and tomorrow are his days off of work, and I expected them to be hard. I mean, we're gonna spend a lot of time together, and I assumed that he would want it all to be conflict free and I would feel like we were once again sweeping things under the rug. I've been trying to psych myself up to deal with this, without yelling or breaking any of the other rules.

Shouldn't have worried about that :-<when I came out of the bedroom from nursing the baby, hubby was sitting on my computer. I don't know if he was looking at p, planning on looking at p, or whatever, but he broke a rule. He broke a rule that HE MADE to prove that he was trustworthy and really trying.

I feel so drained right now, so empty, like I was stupid for believing that things would get better. I feel like I'm just being hormonal or irrational--I didn't catch him looking at porn, so why should I be upset? And of course the person that I want to talk to when I am sad or upset is my husband...the one I can't trust

[TrueBlue]

I still haven't worked out communications with DudeWaffle (he's on this site), but we're trying. I do try to keep it calm, but it's hard. It hits me viscerally, and I can't help but react emotionally, and usually I'm a very logical, controlled person. Our counselor (who specializes in PA and SA) insists we not talk about it when the kids are around or after 6 p.m., a rule we have to violate or never talk about it at all, basically. I do recommend not talking in front of the kids; even at this age, you don't want them to hear some of this stuff. They may not understand what they hear, but they may repeat it when you don't want them to.

I know, if I was in a more joking mood I would say my hubby got caught becuase he knew it would nauseate me...which drops the pounds, lol.
Finding time to talk, when we aren't both exhausted, or he's not about to rush off to work, or the kids aren't coming into the room with us seems impossible. And when we do find the time, sometimes he doesn't want to. I keep reminding myself that he's at work all day, and part of what our marriage is supposed to be is that he can relax when we are together. And I fight in my own head about whose needs get to come first- his need to relax or my need to not be miserable?

Anyhow, thanks for the support and hugs, I feel like it's all I can do to not implode today.

[TrueBlue]

One of the first things I learned and zoned in on when I first came to this site, is how I had to remove my anger and bitterness when communicating. Without that, we are doomed.

I know from experience that if I get mad and yell (about anything) that it justs shuts him down from actually hearing me or caring about what I have to say. I'm sad to say that I yelled this morning, and that was the effect. Which makes me mad on a whole nother level sometimes. I want to tell him YOU screwed up YOU crossed the line YOU have to listen to me. It's like I'm walking on eggshells to not hurt his feelings.
You know, not hurt the feelings of the man who was effectively cheating on me and lying to me for years...

[Charly22]

have you been able to ask him about the incident with YOUR personal computer yet? A suggestion for elminating the screaming and reacting emotionally.....pen and paper....you could write your questions, comments, thoughts and pass it to him for a response..and he could write his response down...this can be done while watching tv or before the bed lamp gets turned off for the night.......it removes the loud voices....the worst that can happen is you get carried away with some exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!