True Blue Wife's Outlet

[TrueBlue]

My brother-in-law and his girlfriend are coming to visit! We are very excited and nervous and busy cleaning.

I've been away from TTF for quite a while and I do miss it a bit. I miss having somewhere to file away my anxieties and focus my plan of action. I have vague goals...be a better mom, be a better wife, keep the house cleaner, relax more....but this is a place where I've been able to plan the hows. I do miss it.

And I miss you wonderful, compassionate, encouraging people who also look to improve yourselves and the world we live in. And those of us who are just trying to survive the roller coaster, but are just as wonderful, compassionate and encouraging.

All the best to all of you, and look out, because Mrs. Blue is gonna be back to her rambling musings later.

[JenMac]

Hey TB!
So nice to hear from you! Glad to see you here and glad to hear that things are well with you!
Hope to hear more from you soon!
A warm welcoming hug for you!!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

TrueBlue, Hi.
I have been running into a common feeling among our members. Things work out, and they kind of back off from posting here, or they decide to give up and leave a spouse or BF, and think my voice is no longer welcome. None of these are true, by any means. If a person has given up and is just agreeing to live a separate life and stay in the home with a PA, or if there is a separation or divorce, or if they feel they are in a pretty good place now, there is still recovery needed. Even if they wake up, happily singing the words to the Sound of Music, the thoughts, feelings and changes are worthy for the rest of us to see and learn from. Just wanted to say that I am glad I reached out to a few of the people that haven't been here for a while, and I am so glad to hear from them and how their lives are going. Come share rambling musings anytime, cause you are among friends...always.

[TrueBlue]

It's been almost eighteen months since the big discovery. Everything in my life was turned upside down and inside out and there was so much ugliness. Mr. Blue and I have stayed together, fought together, loved together, forgiven together, held grudges together, forgotten a lot together, swore to never forget some things together, re-built a life together, uncovered lies together, parented together, grieved together, moved on together, and stayed stuck together. Sometimes all at once. This whole mess has been forefront and pushed to the back burner. It's been all-consuming at times and seemingly a distant memory at times. Sometimes I can almost imagine that it never happened, and sometimes I can't believe we are able to get past any of it.

We just recently celebrated our wedding anniversary. Amazingly enough it was just sweet and hopeful, none of the bitterness on that day. The stars aligned, or God intervened, or more specifically a wonderful family stepped in and watched the kids so we could go out to a sitdown (!) restaurant by ourselves. We had okay food, great conversation, and comfortable silences. I don't think there were any comfortable silences eighteen months ago. A world of change.

So many things are better, or different, and I have more trust that situations are what they seem to be because of time, love, hope, filters, conversations, promises, happiness, and the like. And then there will be things that remind me, or make me question, and I try to take on these new (old) problems from where we stand now, instead of from where we stood back then. That's very hard for me.

So because of filters and altered free-time I am relatively confidant that my husband has not acted out since before the discovery day. Who knows if I will ever feel a hundred percent confidant, but there you have it.

And he is a much happier person. Sometimes he is more productive, sometimes more affectionate, and often more involved in both mine and our kids' lives. Which is all great. I can't unravel if it was the p that was warping his actions or his warped actions that led to the p, but for now I am content that all of it is gone, and that's good enough for me. I don't need to know if the chicken or the egg came first.

A while ago we were having a discussion about something, I don't even remember what. Maybe it was about a friend with an addiction, or a TV character, something. And comparing that situation to ours, I said something like "but you didn't do _______ every chance that you could, it wasn't the only thing you thought of". This statement made on the basis of a million conversations with him since the d-day and if he didn't just bowl me over by replying "Yes, yes I did". It's maddening because I thought I knew it all. I thought I had a grasp on everything, and even though it's in the past, and I feel irritated that he down-played it all through those talks. Like when I committed myself once again to my marriage to this man that was supposed to be bearing his soul to me, it still wasn't the whole picture. He still didn't trust me enough to tell me what was what. He still didn't respect me enough to answer my point blank questions truthfully. He still felt like lying or deceiving was somehow safer.

I'm finding my mind flagging back and forth between being glad that that is ago, that it's in the past and being upset that once again my picture of how things are/were is being challenged. I feel stupid, again, for having believed the partial lies. After he said it so many memories and not quite right feelings just clicked into place. Doubts that I had about motivations and interactions are gone, unfortunately, not in his favor. Blech.

Okay, sum up. We had a great anniversary, so many things have improved, and I'm sitting confused and slightly betrayed once again. Double blech.

Have to get my head on straight, that's for sure,
TB

[Disillusioned]

All I can think of when I read your post is there is no more normal, and there are always, probably, more things that haven't been told. It does shake us up. I had one of these revelations recently, and it threw me, but I got back to where I had been fairly quickly. No wonder it takes the SO so much longer to recover! I don't know why but the theme from Jaws is playing in my brain, and I can hear a narrator speak over the music and say, "...and just when you thought it would be safe to go back in the water." I am grateful that things are better in your lives now. I still think we need to wear a seatbelt though when we listen and they are really talking. Remember this started out as a curiosity, a titillation and then turned malignant and resulted in addiction. Sometimes it is hard to think of it like this, cause it all involved choices they made, and saying 'addiction' sometimes feels like giving them an excuse.
The addiction went far beyond curiosity and titillation, and this is just the way it is. I believe, it is still not worth dissolving a long term marriage about, but that is also because our marriage seems to have finally grown up and is more comfortable for both of us.
Thanks for posting this True Blue.

[HopefulsRock]

TrueBlue... it's sad to read some of your post but I appreciate hearing the good that's come from all of this. It's truly a shame what you've had to endure to get to that good though. I was reading along enjoying the good news in your world and then like you... whammo, the wind was taken out of that sail. I'm sorry your H left things out and brought back the hurt again and while I'm at it, I'm sorry I ever took part in feeding that ugly world as well. Disillusioned is right that we, us PA's made bad choices and got intrigued and involved in something that we slowly lost control to and eventually became addicts to it but saying our addiction is an excuse is just not so. Our addiction is what things became... a "state of being" that we eventually found ourselves in which got to the point that we couldn't find our way out of on our own. To me our addiction is an ugly label that I wish I didn't have. Even though most people don't see this ugly label, I know it's there and I'm ashamed of it. In my opinion saying I have an addiction is not an excuse like, "You poor thing you have an illness"... "watchout, it's contagious", "oh my where did you get it from?"...not at all, us PA's are not victims here, our SO's are. However with the support of each other some amazing accomplishments can be made if you stay strong and remain hopeful...!

[astander]

I totally understand where you're coming from. But, maybe look at it in the context of how much it is in the past, that he can be so honest about it. almost like he's taking a step back and looking at himself, in a way that he doesn't recognize.

[vintageturtle]

((hugs)) TrueBlue. Your first paragraph is a vivid description of recovery with a PA. Thank you for putting it so well.

I'm glad you guys are closer and have been able to communicate better. I have been thinking about communication a lot recently. I think I've decided that communicating with someone else is really, really hard. Even if you love them and work on it a bunch. I think that most of us don't really learn how to do it well, not as kids and not as adults. When things are going well in a marriage (or seem to be), we don't work on those skills. Then when we need them, when things are difficult, it's trial-and-error learning at a very difficult time.

You know your H better than I do, but when I read what he said, it struck me as being something he realized (or was only able to admit to himself) only once he had some distance. That's a big conclusion for me to jump to, and it's based on how my H expresses things, so I may be off-base. But I can also see how it would be difficult to hear. I think there will continue to be revelations of some kind, as long as your H is continuing to heal and understand more about himself and is able to see things how they really were.

[TrueBlue]

Thanks gals and Rock for understanding and encouraging!

I do think that most of the yucky stuff is in the past and that he was not capable of admitting the extent of it back then. A lot of my personal recovery has been defining what recovery is. Does that make sense?

When everything first came to light and we talked about splitting up or staying together, we had some rules. My biggest requirements were that hubby would 1) participate in a marriage strengthen program either in book or online with me. 2) that he would participate in this or a similar site on a routine and frequent basis 3) that he would stop the p and mb. 4) that he would be honest and transparent and 5) that he would admit and discuss this with our pastor or another person who was in a position to counsel him.

We did one exercise from the marriage workbook. He participated here mostly against his will and only for a few weeks. He did talk to our pastor a bit, and that was a let down, but I still am very proud of him for opening up. Except for mild skating and occaisonal mb, he's stopped that nastiness. And if I am not emotional he is able to talk honestly, but I have to ask the questions, he can't have an undirected conversation, it freaks him out.

I'm listing these because from what I thought back then, I would say that he hasn't done a satisfactory job. I wanted him to be chatty. To talk about all kinds of stuff in depth and often. I wanted him to commit time and energy to specific things, and he just hasn't done that. But I feel like we have come so far.

He is happier. He has more energy, and more time. He is more patient with both my emotions and the kids. He can answer direct questions from me without getting defensive or angry. He can even get mad with me when he thinks I am being unfair, instead of hiding that and acting out in other ways. These are all huge things and they mean so much more to my real life than the things I thought mattered more back then.

Somewhere along the road we became true partners again. I can be hurt, annoyed, irritated, sad, angry, etc. with him, but very rarely am I nervous with him anymore. I don't have a problem telling him how I feel because I trust that even if he doesn't understand it or can't fix it, he wont punish me for having emotions. I remember I used to be so nervous to talk to him about anything. So I guess his comment about all the time just jolted that tension and fear back into our relationship for a little bit, and it really did shake me.

I've been thinking really hard lately about what our marriage's recovery looks like. I am mostly happy. Things are mostly peaceful. I'm trying to decide if things are how they should be or if I am just supressing whatever to avoid conflict. I honestly don't know.

I recently read a book written by the spouse of an SA, I'll have to look up the title and author. It was a very sad book. The woman's husband had numerous affairs and may have molested her daughters. It's heartbreaking, but also made me very angry. She blamed him, of course, but also her daughters for liking him better than her. As a spouse of a PA, I feel sad for her, but as a mother...only anger. I had read the book in hopes of understanding things better and maybe having things to discuss with my husband, but instead it just made an emotional mess of me.

So that's where I am. I am taking stock. Keeping on keeping on, just like always, but it's not such a challenge anymore. I guess I feel like I or we should be doing something else, but we're not.

Anyways, all the best to all of you,
TrueBlue

[JenMac]

Hey TB!
Nice to hear from you!!
It seems like there is a lot of progress has happened in your situation. Seems like your marriage is stronger and happier. That is such a great thing!! :)
I think sometimes that things happened in stages for mac and I. Seemed that early in our marriage, we dealt with seemingly little things, (in relation to now) by a little blowup or hurt expressed but then shoved down any feelings in order to move ahead. Not to be dealt with again, until the next time. The fairly major event in our lives, prior to this one, was more intense, but still kind of buried after the initial crisis had passed. We didn't really talk about it again. He wanted it gone from discussion, I wanted to trust, so we mutually moved it into history. Thought we had learned what we needed to learn.
This time, I kind of just knew it was different. I knew it had to stay with us in order to keep it in the past. While it is not always comfortable or easy to talk about, most often when we do it helps to reground us in a positive way.
Everyone has a different situation to contend with TB. We all have different stories to tell. And not one way is right for all.
Of course you do not want to live in a marriage full of conflict TB. That is not good for anyone. You will do what is right for you in your marriage. But if you have any little thoughts niggling away at you, I would express those clearly to your husband. While it may be uncomfortable, it is necessary. I think that is important for both of you to get those thoughts or worries out into the open. Those thoughts have been created by the situation caused by your husband's actions. It is not a bad thing that he knows the long lasting consequences of those actions. Those feelings are not washed away quickly or easily.
Keeping you in my thoughts TB!
Be well!
Hugs!
Jenn