True Blue Wife's Outlet

[TrueBlue]

1. Global Thinking
This is attempting to justify something with absolute terms like “always” or “never” or “whatsoever”. It also can be something along the lines of “every guy does this”.

2. Rationalization
This is justifying unacceptable behavior saying things like “I don’t have a problem, I’m just sexually liberated”, or “You’re crazy”, or “I can go months without this, so I don’t have a problem”. Rationalization is telling yourself Rational Lies.

3. Minimizing
This is trying to make behavior or consequences seem smaller or less important than they are saying things like “only a little”, or “only once in a while”, or “it’s no big deal”, or simply telling the story in a better light than it really should be.

4. Comparison
This is shifting focus to someone else to justify behaviors such as “I’m not as bad as…”.

5. Uniqueness
This is thinking you are different or special saying things like “My situation is different” or “I was hurt more” or “That’s fine for you, but I’m too busy”. This one can also be considered Entitlement.

6. Distraction (Avoiding by creating an uproar or distraction)
This is being a clown and getting everyone laughing, having angry outbursts meant to frighten or intimidate others, threats and posturing, and doing shocking behavior that may even be sexual. This can be when we simply blow up upon being confronted hoping that our explosion will draw attention rather than the actual issue.

7. Avoiding by Omission
This is trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information like the fact that the lover is underage, or the person is a close friend of your spouse, or revealing enough information while keeping back the most “dangerous” information that will get you in more trouble.

8. Blaming
This is when you shift blame and responsibility from yourself to another person, and many times this is done unconsciously since in the depth of our being we really don’t want to be held responsible for something. I call this the Adam Syndrome as this is what Adam did in the Garden (Genesis 3) by wrongly blaming Eve for his rebellion. This includes, “Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job”, or “If my spouse weren’t so cold…” or “I can’t help it, the baby cries day and night and makes me nervous”.

9. Intellectualizing
This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon.

10. Victim Mentality (Hopelessness/Helplessness)
This is where a person says, “I’m a victim”, or “I can’t help it”, or “There is nothing I can do to get better” or “I’m the worst”.

11. Manipulative behavior
This usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to exploit others.

12. Compartmentalizing
This is something that almost every addict does. This is separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other parts of your life. This is like a Jekyll and Hyde or a separation of Public and Private life to the point where it is unhealthy driven by thoughts of “If they only knew, then…”.

13. Crazymaking
This occurs when we are confronted by others who DO have a correct perception… we simply tell them that they are totally wrong. We act indignantly toward them attempting to make them feel crazy by simply positing that they cannot trust their own perceptions.

14. Seduction
This is the use of charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.


As far as I could make out from the website where I found the above, it originates or is adapted from one of the books by Patrick Carnes.

- Alika

I decided not to put my anger and volitile response to reading this in the general forum where it was...but this is MY journal, and in it right now I feel bitter.

What kind of lies have I been fed over and over? Most of these. What kind today...hmm...every single d*** one except for number five.

I feel so unloved.

[Crisodian]

TB,
Like you, I went through a multiple-truth sharing event with my H. It started with me discovering his PA. Confronting him. Him blaming me. Me calling him out and giving him an ultimatum. More disclosure by him. Me freaking out and getting angrier. And then even MORE discolsure... and my ultimate ultimatum. Part of that ultimatum was 100% transparence 100% of the time or no deal.

Whew. I can sympathise with what you are going through. This is a real though step on the road to recovery. When our PAs decide not to be completely open and honest, it just fuels our alread broken trust issues. It's like sticking a firecracker in an already smouldering fire. Yikes.

You have a right to the truth.

You have a right to ask him to be honest with you in all areas of your life together.

You have a right to tell him what you need to heal.

You have a right to give him a set of guidelines to follow of what you will and wont accept in your lives together.

This is as much about healing for you as it is for him.

Those of us who have been down this road a while already have been exactly where you are right now. Angry, POed, bitter and feeling unloved.

Try to do something nice for yourself today, no matter what.

Peace & hugs,
~C~

[TrueBlue]

Thanks C for validating my emotions, and being an example of what we can hope for.

Today was a crazy day. The morning started out really rough (I slept in the other room) because hubby and I talked...again. I have a lot more details to evaluate now, but blissfully few specifics. JenMac said in one of her posts about how she was uncertain of how many details she really needed, because after a point it is just more bad. And I think that I may be at that point now. It's frustrating, because most of what I know is just from snooping around on my own computer and asking "the same questions over and over again". That's a hubby quote. I don't think he realized in the throes of discussion that he was giving more information to me each time I asked again, and usually in a slightly different way to reflect the new information.

There was one aspect of my h's p use that he really did not want to tell me about. I mean, he would skirt the issue and gloss over it with generalizations. For example, he would say "yes, I looked for that, but only because I was looking for anything". However, electronic records show that it was something he looked for OFTEN, and specifically. I pretty much already knew it before digging for info, and even after I told him what I knew, it was very obvious that it was the hardest part for him to tell me. In fact, he still hasn't really said it, but has admitted it through nodding and saying yes, and so on.

I wish he would have told me. It would have made this whole process a lot quicker. Not hurt less, but hurt for less time. I wish he could see that being honest about the present and the future goes along with being honest about the past.

But I've given up trying to make him see that. Instead, I told him that the talking isn't going to stop. I've tried that and it doesn't work for me. We also talked about how we talk. We would talk for a while, about some pretty emotionally charged stuff, and I would start to feel really good, really connected, and so hopeful about the future. And then he would say something about he doesn't see why I want to know fill in the blank. Or that he was just so tired of talking. And then almost any benefit I got out of the previous discussion was just tainted by his stubborn resentment at being in this situation. And I didn't feel better anymore. And definitely not connected or hopeful.

Everytime we have talked today, when I have a random thought or question, I have tried to verbally remind him that this does not represent a backslide. This is what moving forward looks like right now, and it only becomes a bad thing if he ends it on a petulant note. Who knows how long this will last, but for today, it has been really good.

My brain is going crazy, but it's pretty late now, and I told hubby I would play a game with him, so I suppose that's all for now.

Apprehensively hopeful,
TrueBlue

[JenMac]

Hi TrueBlue!
You are so right! How we feel about our discussions with our Hs can have such an affect on how we will feel in general as we recover.
I am not sure when the change in our discussions happened. Somewhere along the line, my H began to realize that the conversations needed to happen for our recovery. The conversations and the honest answers were and are necessary for us to move ahead both feeling like we are getting what we need. They need to be honest both for us as SOs and for themselves and their recovery. Yes, we may ask the same questions over and over, because they are going through our minds over and over. Every time we think of something else that can be in any way related to this problem, we rehash all of the information we have been given and some of it may no longer fit or ring true. Our Hs need to realize how all consuming this is to us, not because we are trying to punish them but because it is so damaging to our whole being, both as us as an individual person and to us as a partner. Once they understand that, hopefully they will stop thinking about it as being caught and being forced to be truthful. I told my H once, I am not his Mother catching him in a lie and feeling the need to punish him. I am his wife, his partner. I need him to be open and honest and working together for the good of our relationship. That is how we will heal, by working together.
I do feel, as you said in your post, that knowing more details may not be the best thing for me. I know the type of person I am and I have great difficulty letting go of those details. Do I need to know more or do I get the picture. Does it make it any better if he was searching for 'this', as opposed to 'this'? Is one any better than another? I know enough of the content but do I need to know the specifics? Something I still struggle with but I know I won't ask until I am sure I want to know. Does that let Mac off the hook a little? Maybe. But he has had to reveal more than I think he thought he ever could. It is not like I am burying my head in the sand and he has said that he will tell more details if that is what I need. I know I can never know it all, none of us can, so where do we stop asking? When you are satisfied you have heard enough, when you feel your h is truly on the road to recovery and when you begin to let go. That is when we will stop asking, not in the near future, I would guess.
Hang in there!
Keep coming back!
Jenn

[TrueBlue]

I told my H once, I am not his Mother catching him in a lie and feeling the need to punish him. I am his wife, his partner.

This made me laugh out loud! I have said this exact same thing to BlueHubby!

I've also told him that he is not a three-year-old (like our twins) so if he doesn't like them whining or pouting he shouldn't either.

Oddly enough, when I tell him I'm not his Momma, we usually end up laughing and talking about crazy family members and memories.

On a more serious note, you are totally right about not feeling the need to punish him. I'm sure that I did sometimes think about hurting him back, but it was never something I acted on. Besides, his own guilt and self-perception now that he has more fully come to understand his p addiction is far more punitive than anything I could ever impose, so it would be useless for me to be vindictive.

Today, moving forward looks like laughing at my hubby and his silly stubborness. Thank God he's putting it into a better outlet now :P

Humorously coping,
TrueBlue

[JenMac]

Hi TrueBlue!

"Besides, his own guilt and self-perception now that he has more fully come to understand his p addiction is far more punitive than anything I could ever impose, so it would be useless for me to be vindictive."

This is such a true statement! Thank you for that!

Jenn

(By the way, I have no idea how to use the quote feature! Do you know?)

[TrueBlue]

I just hit the quote button and then end up deleting the majority of the quote. I'm sure there's probably and easier/quicker way. But it works good enough, lol.

Still seeing the humor in life,
TrueBlue

[TrueBlue]

Blech. Today has been hectic at home.

The little one is nursing every hour, must be hitting a growth spurt. The toddlers are taking every time Momma sits down to nurse to be little imps.

I've been sitting down wtih the baby or chasing after them all day. I've literally had poo transfered from a little hand to my face...parental warfare in the extreme.

And now they are all asleep for the moment and my brain just crashed in on itself. I am NERVOUS. After all of the extreme ups and downs, yesterday really was a good day. Hubby said it was one of his best days ever, and I think it was likely in the top 10.

And now I am anxious for when he comes home from work. I don't want to jump all over him without giving him time to decompress a little bit, but I don't want to let things slide into that numb place where it feels like we are pretending that everything is okay. Blaaaaah.

So now I'm gonna go wash some dishes (this is my meditation activity, I know, I'm weird) and try to stop feeling so jittery. I don't want to have unrealistic expectations only to be disappointed. And I don't want to expect the worst, because then that would probably be what I get. Overthinking...I feel almost like I hit it off with a guy on a first date and I'm waiting to see him again and don't know if he likes me. I'm so silly.

Anxiously chugging on,
TrueBlue

[TrueBlue]

The biggest thing that I think I am guilty of right now is trying to keep the peace. This is ironic, because it is my h's motivation for a lot of his mistakes (not wanting to give certain details, not wanting to admit to his p use, not wanting to discuss unpleasant things, changing the subject even when asked direct questions, etc.) Did I get this from him, or did I find him because we both do it? I'm pretty sure hubby would say I have no problem disturbing the peace.

We've had a good few days, and I am very impressed with the differences I see in my hubby. He is a happier person. He is affectionate wtihout it being obvious that the nice things are motivated by guilt. He seems to be genuinely interested in what I have to say. He answers the few questions that I have asked without pouting or shutting down or making me feel little for feeling the need to ask him. In short, it's an entirely different dynamic in our marriage than it was when he was using and hiding. It's wonderful, it's progress, it's good.

But I still feel so bad. I haven't been asking big questions, and when he brings up this whole mess (another huge change, he actually is the one to bring it up sometimes) I give only an objective answer to the issue, with no personal emotion attatched. I guess I am afraid. I'm afraid that he will get mad, or shut down, or think that I don't see all of the great progress that has been made. I'm afraid he will think that we are in the same place as before, where the hope was so small, the chances so slim. I'm afraid of hurting his feelings...which I am aware is a little bit ironic.

But I'm also afraid of being consumed by my own feelings. Afraid of confusion and hurt turning into anger and resentment. Afraid that he will still be evasive and give me new reasons to be angry or resentful. Earlier in this ordeal he didn't see how talking could ever LET us move forward. And he's talking to me now. I feel like I am being ungrateful to want more from him. I don't even know if I think that it is just too soon to talk about certain things, or feel like I should just be satisfied with what I've got.

And I am angry and resentful, at the same time that I am hopeful, relieved, and excited about all of the progress that we have made.

I'm angry about even being in this situation, of course. And I am angry that a conversation I think would take just 15 minutes if I wasn't forcing him into it has to take a week or longer. I'm angry at myself for being so stupid as to believe or accept the lies. I resent him for not being able to read my mind, for not making time to have a long conversation. I resent him for letting me withdrawn and emotionally detatched. And I resent myself for being resentful.

I resent that every time we talk I feel like I have to justify the conversation with how it has benefited him. Why can't it being good for me be enough of a justification?

I think I'm going to try to write another letter. Instead of being heartbroken, disgusted, and angry; this one will be full of praise and sadness. I want him to know all of the positive changes that have happened. And I also want him to know that more positive changes can happen if we take a time out to talk about some unhappy things.

Reading through my journal I can see that I/we are going through cycles. We have a good talk, great progress, and I am practically euphoric and full of hope. That lasts for about two days. And during those two days I am slowly sinking down into a darker place. Until I am just full of despair. The cycles are getting longer I guess, as today I am not entirely despondant. I would say I am 50% happy still. Maybe more, depending on which thoughts are circling at the time. But I don't want to go to that place again. I don't want the only way that I can truly get him to hear me to be threatening to leave.

So I'm going to think on it today while he is at work--how to raise the subject without crushing any sense of progress that he has. I really don't want to break him down. But I don't want to feel so broken either.

Trying to be rational,
TrueBlue

[TrueBlue]

So I haven't finished the letter yet, I've been too busy procrastinating o:-).

Just normal day to day things and children have kept me pretty busy, and then during nap time I was reading posts all over again. Putting it off. I really don't want to have to have a confrontation.

But I do have the start of a letter, and a hefty list of questions that I want answered. Some of them are pretty loaded questions that I imagine would take a good half hour to fully discuss, too. I feel a little bit better having them down on paper. Sometimes the emotions surrounding these discussions pull us into directions we didn't expect them to.

So in the interest of saving myself a little bit of time, BlueHubby, read on...

I need to have a big talk with you. Not a bad talk, no ultimatums, just talking about things I have been thinking about. We are talking a lot more often, and that is great, but I need a real sit-down when we will have time to focus on the conversation instead of running off to work/bed/play/childcare.

So pick a night, unless you want to opt for Tuesday morning. You can read the letter I started, and I'll put my list of questions on your computer. You can think on them and answer them a little bit at a time so that you aren't bowled over when we do sit down to talk. I feel like I'm being super bossy, but at least I'm not expecting you to read my mind, right?

mahal kita asawa ko,
TrueBlue