Trying to survive this

[Hopeful]

I really didn't think that I would need a journal but after finding out 5 months ago, I am not so sure.

We have been married for 31 years and met at the end of our senior year in high school.

When I found the porn in March on his computer on a monday morning, I had just surprised him with a weekend at a hotel. Thought I'd be spontaneous and fun. (it was a bust) I had been trying to figure out for so many years what I was doing wrong and trying to make things better. I tried everything. I really thought it was another woman. He had turned into this angry nasty man that when he looked at me all I could see was hate. Whenever I asked him what was wrong, what did I do, was there someone else, why was he so mean, he would say "I think you're the one cheating" or "I would never cheat on you, I love you so much". I must say that he would convince me that my intuition was wrong and then of course I would feel bad for thinking he would ever do that to me. But this last year couldn't be any worse. I know this can sound petty...but, for Christmas, he gave me things he wanted. Valentine's day...nothing...when I finally said happy valentines day to him...he said nothing. My birthday...nothing...he said he couldn't think of anything to get me. These things really solidified my worries.

To be honest, I was starting to prepare myself for him leaving me. I was sleeping on the couch for quite awhile because I really felt it was lonelier in bed than out there. Of course he used that against me but when I was in the bed... it just hurt too much. I still remember not being able to fall asleep because of the worries going through my mind and he would actually tell me that he could sleep because he had a clear concious...and I must not.

Everyone thinks that I am so lucky to be married to him.. They tell me all the time. Of course they do, he's so nice to all of them. He says the perfect things in front of other people....if he only treated me the way they all think he does. He thanks God for me at Holiday Blessings. What a guy.

This has been devastating. At first I thought, this is great....it's not another woman! But it isn't great. I cannot deal with all the normal day things anymore. I would get so upset and depressed before but now I feel like it's a battle that I can never win. I will never be 20 again.....I can't watch tv, can't enjoy movies unless I check them on Christian Spotlight first, totally hate commercials and ads, magazines at the checkout, everything. Normal life isn't normal anymore.

I do want to believe that he's been P/MB since that dreadful day in March, but, just a week ago he got so angry with me when I said he was in denial. He was starting to act like he really wasn't a PA...."he's not as bad as other guys". I had to say...did you think ..."I can't wait for her to leave the house", I hope she doesn't come back early.....of course he did.

Actually...when I just start feeling like maybe things are getting better he reverts to himself and life is great. Life is not great.

I feel like I have forgiven him, after all I'm still here. He went to Confession last weekend, which was hard for him I know. He had to go to 3 churches before he found one that was still open. But... I don't feel better. I think MaggieLiz said....I am "0" days porn free, you are so right and for myself..."suspicious free". I just can't trust him no matter how much I want to.

I never thought I'd have to deal with this, never in a million years.....not with my guy. He has always said the opposite of what he has obviously done.

I don't want to be the one compromising all the time. I feel I am. I have done this for so long that I want a major change.....maybe I'm expecting too much, I don't know. He should be making me feel loved instead of me constantly telling him what to do.

~~Hopeful

[JenMac]

HI Hopeful!
First of all, I am glad to see you back posting! This site has been so helpful to me that I hope others can feel that too!
As I have told you before, there are so many similarities we have in the timeline of our situations. Almost 5 months ago, married over 30 years,even found out on a Monday, the 22nd.
The feelings you express are all feelings that I and others here have as well. It doesn't make it any easier but it does make us realize we are not alone. And for me, it made me realize that I was just not some old fashioned thinker that was one of a minority.
I don't feel like our relationship had taken the hit to the extent of yours or others here but that was only because of the length of time of involvement. It was yet to come I am sure of it. I was starting to see a disconnect forming and an irritation and anger forming in my H as well. He wondered aloud if in fact he was suffering from SAD.
I hope you will continue to come to this site for support, comfort and strength. Perhaps you can share some of this with your H. I know for me, the sharing of the information I have found here and on other sites, with my husband has been a tremendous help with our growth and reconnection. It has assisted him in admitting and coming to terms with his addiction and what may have caused it. This site has been a wonderful resource and jumping off point for lots of discussion and communication around both of our feelings, concerns and ongoing struggles. It has inspired lots of indepth thoughts and understandings.
I feel the same as you about the major change. I feel like if I have to go through all of this pain and hurt, that a major shift must happen to make it worth all that pain and hurt. I am hopeful that we will come out the other side of this more connected, wiser and more appreciative of what we have in life. I felt this early on and then thought I was being naive for thinking that way. But now, I can feel that exact thing happening for us. I just hope we can continue on this path, that we can grow and learn together.
I see from others on here that it is possible but it takes two to make it happen.
You are very right Hopeful! He should be making you feel loved and appreciated and he should feel that in his own mind too! Sometimes I think people spend way too much time outside themselves looking for something else to make them happy when, in fact, all they need to do is look inside and be really appreciative for all they have in their lives to be thankful for!
Wishing you a better day!
Jenn

[Hopeful]

Thank you so much Jenn for your caring thoughts. I have often thought of you because I also discovered it on the 22nd. It's strange to think that we were going through the same emotions, pain, hurt and then confronting them at the same moment in time. I would have never thought that there was another woman feeling just like I did right then. I'm sorry you are going through this also. I have to say though, I draw a lot of inspiration from you and your husband. Sometimes when I feel like it can never be better for us your posts have given me hope.

My husband has really been trying. He's installed Covenant Eyes and he's read Every Man's Battle, Every Man's Marriage and now he is reading Letters to God, which he loves and can't wait to finish and see the movie. He listens and answers all my questions and can't believe that after everything I have endured I still love him. He's apologized for things in the past that have ate away at me for years because he now realizes that he was taking me for granted and really wasn't listening to me at all. He really is a good person and I hate that this seems to be all I think about when it comes to him.

I do believe him when he says he has been P/MB free since the 23rd, when I'm thinking rationally. But there are days when I find myself out of control and having to check and check and recheck. I think that is the part of this I hate for myself. I just want to go about life normally again. The insecurity of all these years has taken its toll I guess.

We are getting along better than we have in forever, so this part of it I am grateful for. It's just that nagging little p word that seems to keep popping up in my mind everywhere I go and everything I see. I never realized how out of control this is and just how much is out there. Guess I had a blind eye to most of it. I must say that the other morning we were shopping and it wasn't until the 3rd store we were in and a girl walked by us with practically no shirt on....it would have been offensive before 5 months ago. I then realized what a nice morning I was having. We were enjoying being out together and I never once thought of what he was looking at or who. What a nice feeling that was.....I'm looking forward to more of that. So things are better for the most part, I just have learn to trust again and that will take quite awhile I think.

~~Hopeful

[JenMac]

Hey Hopeful!
I think that your feelings are very natural under the circumstances. I feel like it comes in waves, some days up, some down. A few days in emotional trauma again. Time has a way of making the difficult days less difficult most of the time but then you'll have a day that seems to put us right back to feeling like the beginning.
I can feel a strength now though that I was missing in the beginning. More energy, more positive thoughts and feelings. Is it the same for you? I hope so!
Sounds like your husband is trying his best too! That is great! I think it is a process for them as well as us. Communication and committment can bring connectiveness! I believe that to be true. For both parties to be open to that is the trick and when we can both be ready for that at the same time, it is a blessing!
Best wishes to you both!
Jenn

[Life-lies-trust]

Hopeful,
You story sounds like the same that I have been through in 32 years of marriage. I had the same thoughts and feelings about another woman too. I asked about it too and got the same replies that you got. Reading your post is hard but also has some bright spots.

I'm still finding some days are better than others. The good day you had made me smile thank you.

[Hopeful]

Thanks LLT, it is very hard. We can be having a great day and then it can be gone in a flash

Lately I have been feeling selfish, which I never have been before. I am tired of having to listen to some of my family and friends petty little problems. I just sit there and think, you have no idea what I am going through and you want me to feel sorry for you? I don't like feeling this way. I am hoping that this is just a stage I am going through but I am finding that I keep saying "I want" too much lately. I have always put my family first, ahead of myself and now I feel like I'm thinking of myself too much.

Oh well, I will have to find a happy medium hopefully.

Thanks to everyone for your kindness.

~~Hopeful

[Charly22]

Don't feel guilty for what your mind and soul is screaming out for. Sometimes, we devote all of our energy to others, and sometimes we suffer because of that. It feels strange, when we are so accustomed to putting others first, to be told and advised and even our own minds telling us to put ourselves first. Feels strange don't it? But you have to heal, you have to acknowledge that, its as though your mind is telling that something is not in order.

It's ok to devote some time and energy to putting things in order for YOU. Then you will be able to be that same woman who always puts her family first.

[JenMac]

I just want to echo what Charly said so well. Take the time for YOU! You need it now, you need to look after your own needs first before you can be a support or be giving to others. That is the most important thing right now, to be aware of your needs an to nurture yourself.
I can relate to the seemingly petty problems that you hear from others at the moment. I think that having this huge thing happening in our lives wakes us up to realizing what is important and what is not. It happens whenever anyone is facing a crisis, I believe. That is not a bad thing, that is one of the positives that can come from this situation.
Take care of yourself today and do it intentionally with no guilt!
Jenn

[debv]

"Everyone thinks that I am so lucky to be married to him.. They tell me all the time. Of course they do, he's so nice to all of them. He says the perfect things in front of other people....if he only treated me the way they all think he does. He thanks God for me at Holiday Blessings. What a guy."

I know so much how that feels! My PA, DudeWaffle, can be a great guy, mainly when other people are around to see. When it's just me, he questions my thoughts, feelings, motives, and abilities. But then he looks at me, and really does look like he loves me, and says so too. And I can't tell which is the real him, and which is not. I don't understand how he can despise me and belittle me so much, yet still love me. It makes no sense at all.

[Hopeful]

debv, it know how bad that can make you feel. That's when you start realizing that actions speak louder than words....

I have been really busy this week with my husbands family reunion. It's a distraction of sorts, but it doesn't help that I can't come here and get the support that I need. Which seems to be a daily thing that I need.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend! I'm planning on it!

~~Hopeful