My Journal

[butterflygirl]

Well, here goes. I don't know how far I will get, b/c I feel my anxiety escalating to panic right now, but I need to start this.
I cried all day yesterday. All I could think about was my BF and his other women. I feel confused. How can I KNOW he loves and wants me, but also KNOW he craves the others, maybe even more? I don't even know if I can make sense right now, but no more waiting to start my journal. And I hear the journal is for me, so I guess it only really has to make senes to me. But nothing makes sense, so here I am going in circles.

This time of day SUCKS!!! I imagine him coming home from work, changing clothes, sitting at his computer, and....well we know the rest of the story. Every day from 4:30 to 6:00 I OBSESS over this. I can NEVER reach him this time of day either, although the first few months we dated he always called right after work. He occasionally sends me texts right after work now, saying "I should be coming home to you." At first it was sweet, but now I feel like it is him pressuring me to marry him. I don't know if that's what he is doing...I think I have just begun to question everything he does b/c of the P and lying about P. And so what happens....if I marry him, suddenly he will lose the compulsion to get off while looking at other women? (alrm)

I don't know if I can go further than this today. Panic is rising and I need to go breathe.

[Crisodian]

This is a hard addiction to deal with as an SO. I think you did a marvelous job with your first journal entry. If I had started an online journal, which I chose not to do, I would have been committed :)

Believe it or not, most everything you are sharing is very common for SOs to experience. PA takes our trust, our security, our balance, our solid ground, our mental sanity (some days) and yanks it all right out from under us. It takes an SO much, much longer to undo the damage done by PA.

Right now, it sounds like you need to take a deep breath. This emotional carousel will go one for a while. Try to remember you will not be judged here. This is a safe place to share your thoughts and seek support from other SOs who have been down this road.

Regarding questioning everything... of course! Perfectly normal. We ALL do that. :) How can we not? We were lied to, cheated on and the world upended. I didn't believe a word my husband told me for a good while. He had to show me he was being honest. Actions speak volumes. Words are empty.

It sucks being the "other woman" to P. It makes us question why? What did we do wrong? How come I wasn't enough? Is he thinking about those other images when he is with me? How do I know?

Taming our minds, after the discovery of PA, takes time and healing and evidence of the progress our PAs are making. It doesn't make the questions stop. It makes them quieter. And at some point, you will find you can tame your brain into thinking more positive thoughts.

This is about your healing right now, even though PA is a selfish addiction. You do what is right for you.

Find peace,

~C~

Chocolate never hurts either ;) (choc)

[Life-lies-trust]

And so what happens....if I marry him, suddenly he will lose the compulsion to get off while looking at other women? (alrm)

NO he will not lose the compulsion of the addiction. It my reduce for awhile but it does NOT go away. Believe me I am married to a PA/MB addict who fantasized about thousands of women. I was not good enough for him and am not sure if I am now that he is in recovery.
Advice is do not put yourself through this H3ll if you do not have to.

HUGS to you every day at 4PM.

[Comewhatmay]

First off, I am so sorry you are going through this and that you are in pain. There are so many of us on here that are going through such similar situations and feelings.... hopefully having this community will be a small comfort to you. As a fellow SO of a PA, I understand being confused by the whole concept. For those of us who don't have a P. addiction, it is very hard to "understand" and even harder when we are in love with the PA and feel emotionally let down by their actions. You will be told time and time again by other SO's that this is not your fault. And that is true. He would be a PA no matter whether he was with you or another woman. And it is not up to you to fix his behavior. All you can do is take care of yourself. Being the SO of a PA in recovery is difficult. There are many ups and downs. There are constant fears, questions, and paranoia. There are awful discoveries, memories, lies. It is not an easy journey. I am still hurt and saddened and see my husband a different way than I used to. I still feel lied to and deceived. The pain lessens over time, but it's still there, aching. We are all here to listen to your story and support your decisions. Take a bath, get a pedicure, go out with your girlfriends, and try to get some fresh air. Try your best not to let his addiction consume who you are as a person. Be honest with yourself, and your boyfriend. Best,
--CWM

[butterflygirl]

CWM: Thanks! Yes, I am so truly in love with this man, and it makes it so hard to understand. It's hard to wrap my head around "yes, he loves me, but yes, he also feels compelled to look at other women....a lot." How does thiat work exactly? S/x for me is not a purely physical issue separate from the rest of my life...it is deeply connected to my heart and soul and I can't imagine having the desire to look at another man (in that way) b/c I do not LOVE another man. My BF is absolutely gorgeous and perfect in my eyes and I have NO interest in seeing any other man in an intimate way.

I have never had this connection and intimacy with another human being in my life, and never trusted anyone like this, especially s/xually. But I know someitmes we have to let go of people we love so that we can take care of ourselves. I keep thinking about my children and how hard I have worked in my own recovery in large part b/c I want to be a good mom.

So....here I am. I saw BF yesterday and decided not to bring up the subject. Hope to journal a bit later about that. Many many thanks to my new friends. It is such a comfort to know there are people who get it....people who might think of me sometimes in the afternoon when they remember my post about the whole 4pm to 6pm anxiety attack every day. It really makes a difference. Blessings to everyone.

[Crisodian]

How does thiat work exactly? S/x for me is not a purely physical issue separate from the rest of my life...it is deeply connected to my heart and soul and I can't imagine having the desire to look at another man (in that way) b/c I do not LOVE another man. My BF is absolutely gorgeous and perfect in my eyes and I have NO interest in seeing any other man in an intimate way.

Ahhhh. You have hit on a belief I hold firmly. Sx and love are connected for women. We don't typically have casual sx, or casual love affairs. When we decide to give our body to someone, it's with our soul and with our love, a completel commitment, which is why it makes it so much harder for us to wrap our minds around PA.

Without speaking for all PAs, more than a few have basically said the rush from P, the urge for P, the lust, wasn't anything more than a body needing a chemical fix, no love or commitment involved.

It's evidence that women and men see sxual satisfaction in a very different light.

Also make it so much harder for us, and why we tend to see PA as a betrayal and infidelity, not them seeking a chemical fix for their brain. :)

Peace,
~C~

[maggie]

"But I know someitmes we have to let go of people we love so that we can take care of ourselves. I keep thinking about my children and how hard I have worked in my own recovery in large part b/c I want to be a good mom. "


Butterfly... read your own thoughts and words.

Do you really want to subject yourself and your children to this??

Can you really " be a good mom " if you are worrying and upset all of the time. Wondering if your husband and life partner is amusing or arousing himself by looking at naked women ?

Harsh... I know. But that is the tone of reality. It is harsh.

It is fairly " civil " to walk away at this time.

Civil - meaning, there is no written and filed marital commitment, no custody issues and battles and no long term hopes, plans and promises.

Ending any relationship or connection is difficult.

Do you remember preschool buddies or junior high confidents that you had to say 'goodbye' to ? Not easy. But, necessary for growth.

This isn't a minor problem, like a man who cannot budget the monthly finances. It is a complete betrayal of your trust. You won't feel the complete impact of it all, until you are married and completely bonded to this man. It will tear your heart out.

Sorry Butterfly, but I've experienced this. If it wasn't a major problem, why are any of us posting here ?

Have you seen the Marital and Family Divorce attorney's 2009 statement. " 52 % of all divorces are caused by the husband's pornography addiction " More than half of all marriages that self-destruct........ are ruined by pornography.

[OpenEyes]

Hi Butterflygirl,

I am a PA, I hope that it is okay to post here, if not, skip it, and shoot me a PM to but out, I will understand completely.

I just want to cover a bit of your delimna here, how is it that P is not about you? Well, is an alcohol addiction about you, or about that person's addiction to alcohol? You really need to treat this like an addiciton, yes it is more mental, and actually far more based in an emptiness of emotions than anything else, and it is also a physical (chemical brain chemistry) addiction all in one.

When I was really bad, I was feeling and actually thinking of nothing. I was "zoned out" in my little void which was absent of emotions and most thoughts as well. Because of this, I did not think of hurting my SO, lieing directly to her, or cheating on her with porn as bad, because I was not thinking.

Can he truly love you and be a PA, yes. Does he want to hurt you, only he can answer that, but I would guess, no. Does he see this as an adiction yet? That one is big, and it takes realizing you really have an addiction, to treat it like one, and start working on getting better.

Should you continue the relationship? Only the two of you can answer that, but I would think, be cautious and go slowly, and have him show you his progress. What he is reading, what meetings he has attended, what therapists he has seen, what he has discovered about himself that may have led to this. Desire to stop is not enough, effort and self discovery really need to be there as well. This is just my opinion and if you would like to contact me directly, I would be happy to help, or butt out, if you prefer that.

I wish you strength, peace and a smile or two.

[butterflygirl]

Crisodian: Yes, I am with you. And part of the struggle here for me is that for maybe the first time in my life...I am giving it all. My heart, my soul, my body. I have never felt safe enough with anyone to do that, and it has been a dream come true to fully experience my s/xuality. But now, I feel like I am back at sqaure 1 in a sense....fearful and holding back in bed. I don't want to live like this.

maggieliz: you are not being harsh. I agree with you. I have come a long way. My body and spirit have been broken and I have rebuilt it over 37 years since the abuse started. My children and my faith matter more than anything to me. And my youngest has autism, so he especially needs me to be whole. I have cllimbed mountains to make sure he has all the love and support he needs.

Open Eyes: thanks for respecting my boundaries, but your comments are welcome and appreciated. I very much want to understand HIS take on this. And hearing your feelings gives me at least some insight. That is part of where I am right now....he does not want to talk about this at all. Honestly, that just isn't an option as far as I am concerned. I want to understand and I want to listen, but he isn't talking. If he wants help, I want to be here while he works on it, but I truly DO NOT know how he feels. It is so strange b/c he actually initiated by offering to give it up. I don't know how much you read on my first posts, but I came across several open webpages with P when I went on his computer and was stunned. I just sat in shocked silence and HE came to me and said, "I am going to make this right." Within a few weeks, all his DVD's were gone, but he is still going online and doesn't want to discuss it.

*sigh* My heart tells me I am at a crossroads here and must make an agonizng choice. But I am firm in taking care of myself and my kids, no matter how painful the loss of this relationship is. I love him with all my heart. I have known him since we were six years old....and he has always had a little piece of me. But I have to make a decision. I have to be strong.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

butterflygirl,

I hope that you and your partner can come to terms with this PA problem and emerge stronger as a couple.

It worries me when any PA won't talk to their SO about their problem and their goals and plan for recovery. PA thrives in isolation. When I found out about my husband's P use several years ago, we never talked about it. He said he was done, and when I would ask periodically, he would lie. THat's it. I see now that it was a big indicator that he had a problem since he wouldn't talk about it.

You need to do what's best for you. As we all have to acknowledge here, we can't force anyone to change. But, we can make decisions in our own best interest, and our children's interest, that may prompt a positive change from our PA partners. Sadly, the longer we accept poor behavior, the longer nothing changes.

I hope he talks to you and you two can survive as a couple. But, no matter what happens, you are a strong person and you can make whatever choices you have to, and still be ok.

hugs to you.