New here and just trying to make sense of it all....

[Curly]

Well, my search for answers has led me here and I have been reading some of your stories and crying my eyes out.
Heres my story (sorry it’s so long):
My husband says he started using porn and fantisising about other women about a year ago, just after I gave birth to our second child. I knew he masturbated quite a bit at that stage, but put it down to him releasing sexual tension etc because there was little to no sex at that stage. It wasn't till about four months ago that I got sick of finding things he had masturbated in under the bed and in the drawers! I confronted him and told him how that made me feel and asked him how often he was doing etc. He led me to believe it wasn't that often, and I felt that I was overreacting, and it was just what 'males do'. The thing that really annoyed me was we would take turns at 'sleeping in' on the weekends and I pretty much found 'evidence' every time he had slept in, which I gues annoyed me cause I was up looking after the kids while he was pleasing himself.
Then I returned to working 2 days a week and this is when I really started to notice things going downhill in our marriage. He hardly ever initiated sex anymore, we didn't have any 'us' time anymore and communication was almost 0. I put all this down to me and thought I had PND and so started seeing a counseller. She suggested couples counselling and my husband agreed. We went for a couple of months and during that time, he would often bring up things that annoyed him about me and how he felt he wasn't good enough for me.
Then one night I came home from work and thought 'enough was enough', I asked him what he had done that night (I knew something was up - just wasn't sure what). He went on to tell me he watched abit of tv and then went to bed. I kept asking "are you sure that’s all" etc, trying to trick things out of him. And yip, after 20 minutes of this (I guess I got my just desserts!) He told me he had been watching porn. I got really upset at that stage, because this was something we reserved for watching as a couple and he knew how I felt about him watching it alone. I thought it was a once off, boy did I get a shock!
Over the next couple of days, I learned he had also been MB and fantisising about having sex with most of my good friends, his ex girlfriends and my sister! I was gobsmacked. I blamed myself for everything, thinking I wasn't good enough and my body was not the same after children and I wasn't sexy anymore. I couldn't handle it and had a complete breakdown, ending up in respite for a couple of days.
Following this, his lies continued and it has only been through asking the same questions time and time again, that the true extent of what he has been doing began to surface. He says he would look forward to when I went to work, or when he was alone so he could masturbate or look at porn. He says it happened almost every time I went to work and he would sit for ages in front of the computer or watching DVDs to masturbate. Or he would lie there and conjure up all these fantisisies in his head to masturbate to. It was only after hearing all of this, that I began to realise he had a problem.And so began my search for answers. He tells me he has stopped since that fatefull night I came home from work, and even though he is tempted, he tells me he will never do it again. I dont believe him. I dont trust him, and even though I have come a long way, I still blame myself. Everyday, I think about what he has been doing, pleasing himself looking and or fantisising about other women. I cry, I scream, but it doesn’t help. He tells me he did it as a stress release or to “escape”, but I constantly ask him, “then why did you have to dream about other women? Why not just me?” He still can’t give me an answer to this. I am so confused, hurt and betrayed. I didn’t think we had the perfect marriage, but I didn’t dream all this was happening either!
I have thrown him out a couple of times, but always let him back. It’s like I am having an emotional tug of war with myself. He continues to calmly say “I haven’t and will never do it again”, hes going to a counseller and reading books, so I guess he is really trying. But I can’t help but feel a little resentful that I am left with the fallout, all the hurt feelings and sense of betrayl. I keep thinking “what about me, how do I cope with all this?”

[Crisodian]

I keep thinking “what about me, how do I cope with all this?”

First, a warm welcome to TTF. No one likes to find themselves in the roll of the "other woman" when it comes to P. I am the SO (wife) of a PA who has been clean now 300+ days.

How do you cope? By getting help and support for yourself. TTF is a great place to start. By reading the journals here, you will see you are far from alone in how you are feeling and what you are going through. I found it helped me to also read in the Recovery Journals section to get a real understanding of what PA is all about.

I encourage you to start a journal here to have a place for you...a place to rant, vent, share, and seek support and solace from the others here who have walked this path, and are still walking this path to healing.

I read a great quote the other day. "A journal is a diary that answers you back."

Discovery of PA/SA and/or compulsive MB, by an SO is hard. It destroys our trust. It rips the belief of what we thought we had out from under our feet. Hard as it might be, please try to keep in mind that these addictions are selfish addictions. By that, I mean they have very little to do with 'us', the SOs, it's about the addict. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't push him to this. You didn't cause this in any way.

Your feelings are completely normal. It's normal not to trust a word they utter once the trust is broken. It's normal to feel the resentment because our healing from the betrayal is so much deeper than them addessing PA.

I hope you will find TTF helpful on your path towards healing.

Find a path to peace.
~C~

[Charly22]

I can relate with so much of what you are going through. I too used to expect that p was something that we did together as a couple, and was in for a real shock when I had to watch it turn into something so much more than that. Beat myself up for even feeling like I had a part in it. Didn't understand why he couldn't keep it in check and wait. I learned a valuable lesson in trying to "control" it, thinking I could please him by participating and keeping it at bay. Its a losing battle, and will only allow it to grow deeper roots within them. We can compare it to one who has a problem with alcohol, and one does not, one is able to drink on a social occasion, the other cannot stop at just one or two drinks, so, it is a fuel in the fire to try to keep it on a "social occasion" level.

And the emotional tug of war with yourself, ditto here. There is no quick fix easy answer. But learning from this website, and other resources about porn addiction, and understanding the fact that it is not your fault that he developed this "habit". And you need to draw strength to protect your emotional well being right now, and no longer allow the fact that he has this problem, be something that you beat yourself up about.

It sounds like he has admitted alot to you about the true nature of it within himself...that is good. Everybody here will tell you that communication is essential. And the both of you need to feel "safe" to talk openly and honestly with each other about this, without the anger and bitterness involved. Hard to do, I know. So, keep coming here, vent your anger and frustration here.

I think it is a good thing that he is reading, and seeing a counselor. That is awesome. But what about you? Have you read up on the subject? This website can be quite helpful and I am glad that found it. There are alot of understanding people here, and only want to offer you a place to talk about this with you and help all of us understand and encourage, both PA's and SO's.

I truly believe, that even if you were not in the picture, or in his life, he still would've developed this problem. It is not your fault......

[Life-lies-trust]

Curly,
Sorry that you find yourself here. In this position this is a good place to be. The lack of trust is a really hard thing.

1. YOU are not responsible for what your H does.
2. YOU did not force him to cheat in his mind with who ever.
3. You are a loving, caring, supportive person who the addict has lied to.

You deserve and HUG and chocolate.