newbie and scared

[butterflygirl]

First of all, I am terrified. This is my first post. Been lurking and reading posts for over a month now, but only was a little suspicious I guess. I wasn't convinced something was wrong until a few days ago.

My story is pretty long, I guess, like most, but today I just want to share a very brief history and a recent incident and ask for help and feedback. I want to delve into this thing, but my gut tells me to do so slowly, a bit at a time....

I am a sexual abuse survivor. I feel like this colors all things intimate for me. So any "uncomfortable" feelings around my sex life with my SO I usually "blame" myself for. He is generally very supportive, although there are certain issues best handled by me and my counselor...they are too big for him to take on and I understand that.

I reconnected with my first love nine months ago and we have fallen deeply in love. He wants to marry me. I want to be with him forever, but marriage scares me. He loves me and wants to be with me and help me finish raising my three children, one with special needs. He is a truly GREAT guy and I adore him. And I am incredibly satisfied with our sex life--it is fun and intimate and loving, and he is the first man I have trusted to truly share my heart and body with, ever. I loved my first husband very much but was never able to give that part of myself to him.

I think that later I will back up and give you the full history of how my susupicions began, but for today a summary and then a single incident that haunts me.

We have talked a little about his P use and my comfort level with it. For several months I really didn't complain at all. He volunteered to remove all P from his home about two months ago. It was HIS idea; I had not complained at all. And he has said "once we are married there will be no room in my life for this stuff." I did not ask him to give up anything. I feel like since I am not ready to commit to him at the level he desires, I need to allow him his choices regarding P, and honestly it wasn't a huge deal at first....when I thought it was an occasional indulgence when he "misses" me.

Fast forward...I recently (a month ago?) started to care and become concerned and suspected he was using a lot more than i realized. Truly by accident I came across a website and his log-in info on his computer (and yes I too believe there are no accidents). I should have just closed the page, but no, I had to write down the info.

Fast forward again, I spent the night at his house Saturday night and when I left Sunday, something didn't feel right. We had been intimate that morning and I beleived in my heart we were both very pleased and satisfied emotionally and sexually. But he didn't seem to have a hard time telling me goodbye like he usually does (we live far apart and only see each other a couple of times a month) and something in my gut tingled a little.

As I mentioned, I have his log-in to one of his sites and I hate myself when I go "checking up on him," so I have only done it 2 times since I obtained this info. Hated myself both times. Well, I resisted and resisted, all day Sunday and most of Monday, and finally Monday afternoon I gave in and went and looked. I discovered that he had logged in ten minutes after I left his house Sunday, two hours after we had made love. During those two hours, I sat with him on his couch, cuddling, talking, listening to music, totally willing to make love again, or do pretty much anything sexual he wanted (he knows this--I have a lot of desire for him) but instead he ushered me out to go look at other women. My heart is broken. I am devastated. When we talked about his P use in the past, he said to me "You know....I dont get enough of you" with such love and longing in his voice. I beleived him. But, he had just had an entire night of love and connection with me. Like I have read so many times on your very brave posts....I feel like I am not enough.

I don't know when this thing crosses over from bad habit (what he calls it--not my words) to an addiction. And I do not live with him or even spend that much time in his home, so I don't know his habits well. Not even sure that I think occasional use is bad or wrong. But how I feel right now about myself and about us is definitely bad and wrong.

I don't know if I am ready to confront him and I am sure he would be enraged if he knew I was spying on him. I am pretty mad at myself. Feeling lost and hurt. Feeling like I never want to be naked in front of him again, which makes me very sad. I absolutely adore this man and know he feels the same about me. Any advice is welcome and appreciated. Thanks so much.

Butterflygirl

P.S. I read through the rules and tried to respect them with regard to language etc, but please advise/correct me if needed!

[FoolishMind]

Dearest Butterflygirl, Thank you very much for sharing your current situation, which gives us a good insight into your current mindset. I am also so so sorry that you have found yourself in this position after everything you have already been through. Just by the way you are writing I can tell you are a very intelligent woman, and I agree that you should not act rash in any way, as you have been reading through the forums for sometime, you will have picked up a lot of the sound advise, and for more specific advise to you, I am personally gonna hold off, and wait for one of the SO's to give you some more specific advice, as youve got a lot to weigh up.

Stay strong, and be assured you will get all the support you need here, so no need to feel alone in this ok.

thoughts are with you.

FM

[Charly22]

First of all, thank you for being brave enough to share your details with us, the fellowship you can obtain here is one of the most important benefits of this website...

No matter if it is just a "bad habit" or "addiction" (in my opinion, whats the difference? none)....otherwise you would say "good habit".

But, here is what stands out to me....that above all else, you are able to say this:

"Feeling like I never want to be naked in front of him again, which makes me very sad"

This should be a huge red flag to you, that something should be addressed, now that you've been made to feel that way, to ignore that feeling and try to shove it down is only going to damage you further.......

I hope you will continue to come here, and learn all you can....and choose what will be best for you......maybe start a journal.....maybe talk to him......maybe just continue learning and researching........

you are not alone....

[butterflygirl]

Dear FM: I truly appreciate your words of affirmation and encouragement. It feels better already to "just say it." By the way, I love your MLK quote and try to live by those words.

Charly22: Many thanks as well. I think you are absolutely right....the feelings I have about myself right now are a red flag. I do believe we need to address this. I need some time to sort through all the stuff I am feeling and figure out the right time, place, and words....

I need to be here....for me.

[Life-lies-trust]

Butterflygirl,
Sorry you find yourself here.

The best way to build a relationship is with honesty on both parts. You also have to take care of yourself and make sure you feel safe and cared for. Someone who is hooked on P will not see the beautiful person in front of them when the images are in their minds.

Have your BF take the P addiction test there is on this site see how he does. Also you need to explain your feelings and what is safe and acceptable for you. Someone who is using a bad habit like P will only spiral out of control over time. Sometimes that take decades to reach bottom but it does come. Think about where you want to be in the future and also express this in you talk with your BF.

Hugs and chocolates for you.

[Alika]

Butterflygirl,

A very warm welcome to TTF, I am happy that you have found this site.

You sign off your post asking for advice. I have only little for you at this point:

Post to your journal as much, as little, as frequent or as non frequent as you wish, the journal is yours and for you.

Trust your gut feeling, it is likely to be very correct

Make sure to take care of yourself and ask for and receive all the support you can possibly get, you should not be alone with this, and this unfortunately is one area where your partner isn’t necessarily the immediate and primary source of support

I recognize a lot of what you write. I too was terrified at the time of making my first posts. I was afraid of being judged, I was afraid of being told off (like my husband did), I was afraid that the problem was mine and in my head only as I thought I was being overly prudish and the one with “all the issues”… It turned out that it wasn’t quite so. I have always been a very private person, and publishing my private life took more guts than I thought I would ever possessed. Yes, terrified is a most appropriate term to describe it.

Being a survivor of sexual abuse is bound to cause you to question yourself rather than your partner. Please try to keep in mind that your feelings towards yourself do in no way rule out that your partner might have a serious problem when it comes to porn. When your gut feeling tells you that something is off, in my experience it is most likely the case. Being a survivor of sexual abuse, I gather that it is of utmost importance to you to be able to trust your partner fully in any area related to sex and intimacy as to not wound your self esteem further.

I wouldn’t say that one has every single right to “snoop around” others’ private log-on information, and certainly not use it. But there are some exceptions to this: when trust is broken within a relationship, the usual rules change drastically. You do very much have a right to know the truth, you do have a right to find out. I can easily relate to hating using log-on information. I had to get myself somewhat wasted the first times to overstep my own boundaries for respecting privacy before I was capable of checking up on my husband. I felt horrible about it, in fact so horrible that I saw my offence (checking his computer without his consent or knowledge) as far bigger than his offence (lying through his teeth about using porn and never having gotten rid off all of it, nor stopped using it). To me, my own offence was by far worse than his. This is a screwed point of view on my behalf, and it’s one I am still struggling with.

The feelings you describe towards your boyfriend sound similar to how I felt about my husband before we married. Please do know that the p addiction can be beat, that you can rediscover those same feelings and once again feel like being intimate with him, that there may be a positive future for the both of you together. To me it didn’t seem so at first, it took a seemingly very long time, it took a lot of (mutual) grief, pain, hurt, tears, anger, but I am right back to feeling the way I used to about my husband. Also, please do know that it takes your boyfriend to coming clean and owning up to his addiction – in case his is more than a bad habit.

- Alika

[butterflygirl]

Dear Life-lies-trust: First, thank you for your support. There is such darkness in my life right now with this issue it just feels good to step into the light and be real and be honest. I completely agree with you about honesty. My BF knows that it is extremely important to me to be heard. I am a freelance writer and novelist, and words have quite literally saved my life. The sxl abuse required a lot of lying, silence, and shame, and I can't live that way again.

I don't know if he would agree to take the test or not. My gut tells me that his reaction to my feelings are heavily dependent upon HOW I approach him, and right now....I have no idea the best way to do that. I know that I need/want to be loving and supportive and not accusing, because in his mind he is not doing this TO me, but I am so wounded I doubt my courage and strenght to do that.

All these months, actually even when we were growing up together, I have always felt beautiful when he looked at me. In fact, that is one of the things I love about him. I have struggled a bit with that in the past month since I discovered he is using more than he admits, but generally I do feel that he sees me as beautiful. I feel that slipping away now....knowing that he could go online and view P ten minutes after I left him. I feel like one of his "collection." It has shattered my trust in him and made me question whether or not I am enough. Thank you for offering your loving words of understanding and advice.

And to Alika: I have so many things to say to you too. Your post could have been my very own and it struck many chords. I want to respond later....I just got off the phone with BF and am feeling emotionally depleted but I want to thank you and I do have things I'd like to say in response. Thank your for the fellowship. Truly.

Butterflygirl

[butterflygirl]

And...one more quick thing I forgot. I would love to start a journal. Could someone please explain the concept and how/where to do it? I would be very grateful. I feel like this site has already made a difference. Thanks!

[Crisodian]

butterflygirl,

You're in the right spot :) A belated welcome to TTF. You have come to a great place to find solace and support from others who have gone down the path you are now travelling.

This forum where you started your thread is the Journals for SOs area. Here is where we, as SOs, can start a journal for ourselves. Journaling is whatever you want it to be. Some SOs use it daily, others post occasional updates. A journal is your spot to share whatever you would like to share with the other SOs here, keep track of your journey through PA recovery as an SO, a place to vent, rant, scream and voice your personal opinions and thoughts on what you are going through, and to seek support from others here who have, or are still, going through the healing process.

Your journal is yours. :)

Once again, welcome to TTF.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[butterflygirl]

Crisodian: Thank you! I am thinking I will start a journal very soon.

Feeling a bit of a panic attack coming on. I am supposed to talk to BF at 5:00 (30 minutes from now) and trying to gather the courage to ask him to not view P just for tonight. He knows I am a mess this week, and he has been patient and handled it well. But he doesn't know I am a mess b/c I discovered what I did on Monday. He keeps asking me what he can do to make me feel more secure about us....I just want to say it would be so wonderful to have one evening where I wasn't wondering "Is he looking now?....or how about now? What does she look like? Is he thinking about me?" I don't know if I have the courage to ask for what I need. I have asked before when I have had bad days coping with memories, etc, from my past. But this time I am terrified to ask. Don't know if anyone out there is "listening" but please send brave thoughts my way. Pray that even if I don't find the courage, that I can at least find some peace to get through the evening. Thanks.