newbie and scared

[Life-lies-trust]

Butterflygirl,

Communication is the really hard part in a relationship with an addict. The addict does not have healthy coping skills but unhealthy habits of coping. For me and my H the communication would just stop nothing on either side. So for this time we have started a chart that we have to both bring up a topic for discussion each day. We can each call an end to a discussion on a topic but have to state when we will resume the discussion. Silence is not an option because that is part of what the addiction is about for my H.

Take care of yourself and your children. You are a worthwhile person who loves and cares.

Hugs and chocolate to you.

[butterflygirl]

Life-lies-trust: I appreciate the feedback. I like the chart idea. Don't know if he is ready yet, but for the future....

I soooooo agree with you that silence is not an option. I can't begin to explain how very much I agree witht that. He says he does it out of fear, and I don't doubt that. But I feel rejected, deserted, or both. Especially when he is so far away and refuses to take my calls, etc. Anyways....thanks again.

[maggie]

Welcome Butterfly Girl,

The large number of responses to your posts in just one week, reflects how open and sincere you are and obtw... a talented writer.

I've been reading about your situation with your BF and his porn problem. What I can tell you for certain is: a porn problem is not just a problem about looking at naked bodies and unusual s..x acts.

It is a hidden, secretive lifestyle that leads to isolation and disconnection from the people closest to the user. The PA must remove himself to a hidden or private area to indulge, he needs to be alone with his videos or pics, and when he is finished, he must erase all evidence of his use.

Sadly, those behaviors feed lying, deception and dishonesty.

When you described his encouraging you to leave on Sunday morning, when you live far apart from each other and can only be together a few times a month; I wanted to press an alarm button. What ? Why did he want you to leave ? What did he have to do that was so important to him ? And, then you discover he was looking at other women ten minutes after you left !!

Butterfly, that is not a behavior that reflects love.

When I first logged on to this TTF site, a few PAs were honest enough to tell me that my husband was talking BS. I didn't want to hear that...but I needed to.

I was so shattered and confused that I couldn't think clearly or logically. He was telling me things that didn't sound possible, but until I posted here and listened to some truthful-harsh input, I was still questioning myself.

You have received advice here from Crisodian and LLT about the importance of honesty in a relationship that has been harmed by porn and also about trusting your gut feelings. I didn't trust my gut feelings for 3 years and now I am in difficult situation.

I hope I don't offend you, but my first thoughts were...... this woman has suffered enough already... she needs to get out now and not turn back.

I am sorry this sounds so cold, but if you were already married to him, completely loving him and trusting in him, and then were to discover this secret, don't you think that you would feel even more betrayed ?

No one likes to be the bearer of bad news, but after reading about your abuse survivor history, it seems that you have had enough pain in your life from broken trust and the selfish behavior of others.

[butterflygirl]

Maggieliz: Thank you for being honest. I NEED honesty. And I am struggling with the same thoughts. He really wants me to marry him and I have resisted and wasn't entirely sure why. I do love him. Like I have never ever loved anyone. But you are right....I have been through a lot and this body of mine has seen me through some horrific abuse and survived it, it has given me three beautiful babies, and it has been good to me. I have worked hard to honor my soul and my heart and my body, imperfect as they are.

I want to clarify, he didn't seem EAGER for me to go; he just didn't seem sad or reluctant to let me go....which has never happened before. But yes, it was disturbing. It wasn't an alarm exactly, but my stomach did somersaults and something wasn't right. Part of me KNEW that's what he had done. How did I know? It's not a tangible thing....maybe my abuse radar? I don't know. Then when I discovered his activities, it was like a kick in the gut. I still break out in a cold sweat and feel sick when i think of it. AND....he has not been willing to talk about P even though I have nudged in that direction a few times.

I do want to add that there are MANY wonderful qualities in this man. And he has no desire to hurt me. BUT I am beginning to see a pattern of behaviors that I cannot accept: dishonesty/hiding/denial/silence.......My goal is to work on these issues and try to make a life with him. But I am trying to be strong in realizing that it might not be possible. And I have 3 terrific kids who need a happy mom and need to be exposed to healthy relationships.

Thank you for the wonderful compliments. I want to be sincere and honest. Otherwise what is the point of posting here? Writing has saved my life...thank you for appreciating this blessing and gift in my life.

I appreciate your directness. My BF struggles with my directness...he feels accused and attacked, even when I am calm and use kind and loving words. I think it is probably an outgrowth of the abuse and LOTS of therapy...unwillingness to hide or ignore the pink elephant in the room.

I have so much more to say. I keep saying I will start that journal. To be honest I haven't been on in a few days b/c the whole s/x topic is so private for me and I am still recovering and sometimes feel overwhelmed by my own s/xuality. Think it is time to take the next step and begin a journal. Maybe my words will help someone, and it will be worth pushing through the fear. Thanks for being real with me. The truth sometimes hurts, but lies are devastating.

[Crisodian]

BFG,
To make things simpler for you, this thread seems to be working really well as a journal. :)

A journal is what you want it to be. Your posts here are journal type posts, open, honest and "real". Now, if you would like to start a separate journal thread that is fine. But if you would prefer the darn good start you have here, you can always request this thread be renamed to your journal. :)

Whether daily, weekly or even monthly, your journal is for you. You share in it when you are ready.

Peace,
~C~

[butterflygirl]

Thanks Crisodian. That actually makes sense...but i just started a new thread called "My journal" before I read your suggestion. Thanks again for all the support!

[Life-lies-trust]

I appreciate your directness. My BF struggles with my directness...he feels accused and attacked, even when I am calm and use kind and loving words. I think it is probably an outgrowth of the abuse and LOTS of therapy...unwillingness to hide or ignore the pink elephant in the room.

This type of response is a standard addictive defense response. To their minds anything that may impact what they are doing in private is for NO ONE to question. It does not matter if it is done at home or at work or at your house. They deserve their fun (addictive behavior) and it takes them a while to change their thinking. You can NOT force him into recovery he has to seek it out, but you can tell him exactly how you feel about it and why you will not accept this behavior.

HUGS to you.