Learning to let go - Crisodian's Journey

[Crisodian]

Almost 250 days. 250!

Soon it will be a year.

Unbelievable.

I've never started a journal here. Maybe someday I might? :) But for now, my offline journal that follows the history of my own walk on the path of recovery with my PA is sufficient. 250 days in, I re-read the first entries this morning. The suffering. The hurt. The anger. The all out hatred of this addiction. The memory of those days is almost crushing.

However, reading further into the journal, I slowly began to see a shift. A change in the way I was handling my husband's PA and his recovery. A shift in the way I was handling my own. I started to let go.

That may sound simple. It wasn't. It still isn't. I just had a day last week where it all came crushing down on me again and I emotionally puked all over my H. But, somewhere during this journey, I learned, more I taught myself, that holding on to my anger, bitterness and hate was leading me to places that I didn't want to go. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. I want my happy life back. And, much to my surprise, it is returning. So, I let go. I refuse to be the angry, bitter, self destructing woman.

I've done my fair share of pouting, foot stomping, yelling, screaming, crying. Shouting to the wind (and to anyone who would listen) "This is HIS addiction. He has to make it up to ME. I didn't do anything wrong!"

And yet, somewhere along the way, I had to let that go. I head to let go of what "he did to me and us" and learn to move forward. Fail forward, as Pandora so eloquently put it in her journal. And the more I failed forward, the more I learned to move on ... for me, for my children, for my own sanity.

My life is busy with work, very busy with work, and care of our two small children, and our home, and all the other things I do for our relationship. But I have a partner again, a husband again, free from P.

For all those in the raw emotional stage, it gets better. It's hard for me to read when new SOs join here now because those emotions, even though I have let go, are still VERY real for me.

For those in the angry stage, sometimes even the self-blame stage, I offer the suggestion to you to learn to let go. I'm not saying forget. Oh NO. Just, let go. Let go of the emotional outrage and move on. Don't wear the emotional wounds as a scar forever. Let them scab over and begin to heal. You will find, that you will begin to heal as well.

And someday, maybe not everyday, it will get better. Somedays it feels like the first bike ride without training wheels, and other days, it's taking the bike down the mountain, full speed and free.

Find a path to peace, and remember to fail forward.

Peace,
~C~

[StarPuppy]

That is good news Sis, glad to hear that all is well, may God continue to bless you and arty and your family with peace and health :)

[Crisodian]

Thanks little brother :)

Peace,
~C~

[forgotten_not]

somewhere during this journey, I learned, more I taught myself, that holding on to my anger, bitterness and hate was leading me to places that I didn't want to go. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. I want my happy life back. And, much to my surprise, it is returning. So, I let go. I refuse to be the angry, bitter, self destructing woman.
And someday, maybe not everyday, it will get better. Somedays it feels like the first bike ride without training wheels, and other days, it's taking the bike down the mountain, full speed and free.

Your words & journey are truly an inspiration, I hope one day I can be as strong. For now I'll keep my head up & trust that one day it will be easier. Thank you. <3

[Life-lies-trust]

Thanks for the ray of hope when at times I have no hope. Crisodian when did you see any real change in your H. I hope you have some insights as to what I should see if he really is in recovery and sober.

Thanks for any insights you can give.

Hugs and chocolates.

[FoolishMind]

Crisodian, this is a very welcome and apt post, and one I hope many new SO's will acknowledge and draw strength from.

I too recall how angry you started on this site, but it was clear within days/weeks you saw the change in your H, which allowed you to take your foot of the pedal so to speak, and let your heartbeat return to normal patter.

I am so very happy to hear that both of your lives have turned around, and huge thank you for continuing to share your story and help others in the selfless way that you do.

FM

[Crisodian]

Thank you all for your kind words. Without TTF, I'm not sure where my H and I would be right now.

Crisodian when did you see any real change in your H.

That's actually a challenging question to answer. I saw real change almost immediately. However, it's taken me longer to accept the change as "real" and not just believe blindly that it was real this time. If that makes sense?

Once I made the discovery of his PA and I put my foot down to what I would and wouldn't accept, Artguy made positive changes and committed to recovery 100% right from the start. (It was a bumpy start, no doubt about that) In our agreement for us to continue together, I required (demanded?) 100% transparency 100% of the time from him. He gave me that. He sought professional help. He joined TTF and detailed his journey, both successes and when he struggled. He opened up to me and communicated - honestly and openly. The change was almost immediate.

For me, it took me longer to move past the hurt and anger and begin to accept his actions as honest and real. It took me some time not to knee-jerk and react in blind emotion when he was open with me. That was one of the biggest (and occasionally, still is) challenges for us.

At the end of the day, IMO it takes both parties, SO and PA, working together as a unified front to succeed in finding the path to recovery as a couple. The PA has to accept responsibility for their actions and his or her own portion of the recovery, and the SO has to accept responsibility to heal themselves as well. An SO has a harder time of it. No two ways about that. And for us, it could last a lifetime. But "how" it lasts is completely in our control. Do we wear the hurt as a tattoo on our forehead or do we let the wound heal? That is within our power.

I wish I could tell everyone there was some magic number of weeks or months it takes. Unfortunately, I can't. I don't think anyone can. What I can say is that it takes commitment. It's a bumpy ride to begin with, very bumpy, but then you find the path smooths out with less bumps, then the occasional bump, and then suddenly you realize the path is much smoother and the bumps fewer, less rocky and much farther between.

Peace to all,
~C~

[Life-lies-trust]

Crisodian,
Thank you for your reply. I think what I was really asking was the communication completely open always or was it hard work for Artguy to be open and would back slide on it when he was emotional spent?

DG is having problems with communication and just in the last week or so finally found the emotions of guilt and shame that everyone else had been talking about. Because these were tied with the abuse he buried them first and deepest. He then because silent and withdrawn again, along with not interested in me physically. This is hard and confusing for me and I'm trying to find all the resources that I can to help. I want to thank you and give you a big hug for continuing to come here and support us new SO's.>:D<>:D<

[Crisodian]

Communication was always a work out back in the beginning. It has gotten better with time. It still has its challenging days.

As hard as it sounds, remember (or try to) that men think differently than we do and deal with emotions differently than we do. When I had something particularly emotional to discuss with AG, I switched how I approached him for a response. The summary version of my tactic was basically to be blunt and ask him to talk to me about his emotional state, but give him time to collect his thoughts to do so. So I might approach something like "I know you are hurting and this is difficult to talk about. I really want to know what you are feeling [in general or insert topic here]. Can we discuss it later tonight once the kids are in bed ..." or a time when I knew it would be us without interruption and alone. It gave AG time to collect his thoughts about an emotional or difficult topic and it gave me the peace of mind that we were going to talk at some point.

The other hard thing to remember is that sometimes these conversations have to happen in small doses over time. Sometimes, in my experience, it's easier for men to express themselves in small emotional doses than a marathon emotional weep fest. :)

We, as women, are a lot better about talking out our emotional state. Maybe it is how we were raised, or conversely, how our husbands were.

HUGs to you and keep going strong.

Peace,
~C~

[Life-lies-trust]

We, as women, are a lot better about talking out our emotional state. Maybe it is how we were raised, or conversely, how our husbands were.

Not really in my case, I was taught that women use tears as a tool against men and it is the worst tool in the toolbox. The second worse tool is talking about any issue or emotions. But I have taught myself over time to express myself. I have found that his problem is causing me to examine myself and how I interact with others.