how do i make sense of this..

[forgotten_not]

Sorry if this is a bit long, it's my first post.

I've felt so desperate & hopelessly out of control lately I'm so glad I stumbled on this site... now that I've found somewhat of an outlet where people can relate, I'm not sure I know where to start.. I suppose the beginning of this chaos is as good a place as any.

My husband & I have been living happily together for 2 years (married 1), or so I thought. I thought I had the perfect man & life finally felt right. We openly communicated in a way I've never in any relationship previous. We hardly ever argued, but talked things out & seemed to make each other happier than either of us have ever been.. it felt we completed something in one another. I thought finally all the struggling was over & I focused on just being happy. Now, I've had my fair share of horrible relationships before I met my husband; been lied to over & over again, led on, physically & emotionally abused, & cheated on among other things.. but because we were so open from the very beginning I was able to share with him my previous experiences & told him from the start what I wanted & needed from him & that I never wanted to relive the abuse & betrayal of those past relationships. At least I thought I had made it clear, it all seemed too good to be true & I guess it was.

Recently, a number of secrets have surfaced, secrets that my husband has been keeping from me for the past two years. I first began to get suspicious a couple months before we were to be married, I had come across two very sexual e-mails to girls in the area. I confronted him about it immediately & his excuse was that his cousin (under his e-mail) had been sending those letters. It spilled out of his mouth so quick & calm that it was difficult not to believe him. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt, not wanting to stir up trouble when I was finally so happy. I made sure to let him know that I wouldn't stand for it if it had been him, to which he assured me it wasn't & that he would never do that to me. So I dropped it & remained happily ignorant.

Over a year after that incident (early March 2010) I grew suspicious once again as he seemed to grow distant & less intimate & much more irritable of things I said or did, avoiding household chores & forgetting holidays. I felt like absolute crap & couldn't figure out why. Paranoia got the best of me & instead of allowing him the chance to come up with a clever excuse this time I set up a program on the computer to copy everything that was typed & every site that was accessed. In doing this I discovered that not only was my husband frequently looking at porn he also had a secret e-mail account & was having cyber affairs with people whom he had possibly been meeting up with occasionally (though he denies this) since a week after our wedding... & not only that, but that he had been doing so with countless males along with a couple random females off craigslist.. not even counting the 2 e-mails I had first come across & who knows if those were the only 2 back then.

I was in a state of total shock.. I never saw it coming, not any of it... never dreamed that he was bi, let alone that he would actually cheat on me or have such little concern for us or for my safety that he would give out our address & phone number to complete strangers on the internet. It felt completely unreal & still does, that my husband, my best friend, the man that had made such a positve impact on my life, could have been keeping such a deep, dark secret from me.

Needless to say, I confronted him. For a couple seconds he had nothing to say & at first seemed a bit peeved that I had found him out; he quickly did a 180 saying how sorry he was & that he knew that what he said didn't mean anything to me right now, but that he would prove to me that he was. How he never meant to hurt me & that he had never actually done anything with anyone else, that the e-mails were just an outlet of sorts for the gay side of him that he had been hiding from everyone his entire life. That he wanted to do everything in his power to make things right, that he wanted for us to see a councilor, & that he knew it would take time but he didn't care how long it took, that he wanted to be with me, only me, that he loves me & was sorry.

The fact that I have no way of ever knowing what really happened these past 2 years bothers me the most.. that I'll never know if he's truly being honest with me or just trying to cover his tracks. That I just have to rely on the word of the man who I just found out has been lying to me possibly since the day we met.

I love my husband to death, never in my life have I ever been as happy as I have been with him, never had I felt such a strong connection with someone before, never have I ever wanted to change my life for the better like I do with him.. so naturally I plan to stick it out as I'm in it for the long haul. I just never imagined it would be this much of a trial, or so tiring, painful, or lonely at times.

We've had many long discussions about everything, about what needed to change & that the change had to be permanent. He claims that he has never felt so free, that the weight he had been carrying his entire life had been lifted & that he had never felt closer to anyone & finally felt good... I just wish I could say the same. I completely understand where he is coming from, I just hope he can see my side of it as well... that even though a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders, it now has been placed on mine in a much different way. To make things even more complicated a week after the truth came out, on St. Patrick's day, we found out that we're expecting our first child. So on top of all the emotional turmoil that was undoubtedly going to follow, I now have to take this all in & somehow deal with it in a somewhat reasonable fashion while my hormones are raging. Everything seems so magnified now.

I have never in my life felt as alone, isolated, hurt, let down, betrayed, paranoid, or depressed as I have the past 3+ months & need all the help & support I can get.

I also did my own research to assure myself he had told the truth about not cheating & according to all the e-mails I got back he had told the truth & not met up with anyone even though he had given our phone number & address out multiple times, while I was out of town. It's still hard to believe. I also talked to old mutual friends of ours & was told that before we were married he had in fact cheated on me with "a girl from the gym" is all I was told. I later asked him about it, figuring that he had no reason to lie anymore & would want to clear his conscious 100%, & thus would admit to having cheated.. but he only got upset & reinforced that he had never cheated while we were together & never would. I still don't know what to believe when it comes to that or the others... I mean I want to believe him, but at the same time I just don't trust him anymore & what reason would our friends have to lie about some "girl at the gym".. it just doesn't add up & having that bit of doubt in my mind isn't helping my anxiety & isn't healthy for our relationship.

We've set clear boundaries with the internet now & I deleted his private e-mail. He knows that I am keeping an eye on everything that goes on, but despite this his PA doesn't seem to have let up much. We've discussed it numerous times & he'll slow down a bit & space it out after these discussions, but then I catch him getting up in the middle of the night to surf the web or staying up late or getting up earlier than normal... I'm still extremely suspicious of him & what he's doing & even though I know it's "just porn" & not an affair I'm still really uncomfortable with it & the entire situation & he knows it, but that doesn't seem to change anything much.

I don't feel like it's getting any easier, in fact, I don't think I've ever been this paranoid in my life... but at the same time, I feel like I have every right, but it's exhausting. The baby is already wearing me down I don't need or want to add to it with the stress of being paranoid & suspicious all the time. I don't think he quite understands my point of view either, it's almost like now that his conscious is clear that everything that has transpired never happened for him & that he's fine while I'm still struggling to get over the initial shock, the pain & bitterness so I can just begin to heal.

This should be one of the happiest times in my life & all I can do is feel negative & nauseous over the betrayal; sad, lonely & anxious in overwhelming waves... I can't even seem to get a good night sleep & have horrible nightmares that wake me in tears... I can't even seem to get the little things done around the house which makes me feel even more worthless... & though I'm pregnant, I'm past the morning sickness & still find myself feeling sick & throwing up over all this anxiety. It's like the past two years were all a complete lie... I feel like I'm living with a man that I don't really know anymore or rather never did... it's as though we have no choice other than to relearn one another all over again.

Please, any advice on what I should do in this situation, or where to start even, would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm at a total loss right now.
Thanks everyone.

-forgotten not

[forgotten_not]

I wrote out a long letter about a week ago about how his PA still affected me, how it made it impossible for me to trust that things were going to change or were changing, how it made me feel. I thought it hit home finally & things were wonderful that night.. then the morning after I checked the computer only to see that he was back at it at 5am that morning while I was asleep. I txt'd him at work asking if my note had meant nothing to him.. his response "yes, i'm sorry". Am I supposed to just forgive him... just understand? We again talked about it, how manipulated & degraded I felt. He said when he got my message he just sank in his chair & that he knew he had to go talk to someone.. that he didn't mean to hurt me & claims he doesn't know what he's doing when he's looking at P that he doesn't really realize he's doing it... how am I supposed to believe that?

Then on top of that, 3 days later he did it again while I was in the shower.. & only a couple hours before we were supposed to eat at his parents! I just don't get it. Is it that important to him? Is he that inconsiderate of how it makes me feel?

I just feel so sick to my stomach & completely hollow right now. I feel like I should turn off my phone, walk out the door, & never look back. Though, I just don't think I could live with that, knowing what a great guy he really is underneath this entire mess, knowing what a great father he's going to be...

I don't know what to do.

-forgotten not

[Life-lies-trust]

Sorry that you are here. You will be supported by a great group of SO's. First you MUST take care of yourself as your number one priority. You are the responsible for anything that he is doing this is HIS ISSUE. We SO are just the collateral damage but we are extremely damaged by this.

To help him have him look at counseling, SA or SAA group, or some type of recovery group. He must want this for himself or he will not get the help. There are a lot of books on this topic. My PA/MB is currently using Hope and Recovery, but this does have a religious context to it.

After he starts recovery you as a couple could try couples recover group.

There is no easy fix for this and it is extremely tiring and emotional draining. I'm so sorry that you are here at a time where you should be very happy.

Hugs and Chocolate to you.>:D<

[QueenofHearts]

Wow...

I can't imagine what you are going through. And to be pregnant with his child, that really complicates things.

I can see why you are hesitant to leave, but him being a "good guy" I'm not so sure of that. I'm struggling with this too, and I thought he was a good guy, but that can't be possible...not with P in the picture.

To me a good guy by definition would be someone who wouldn't lie or deceive, or certainly hide that sort of behaviour from who they love. I also don't think a good guy would continue such behaviours knowing what you wrote in the letter, how you spilled out your heart...and that fact that you are carrying his child.

So...maybe he's not a nice guy, maybe he's selfish and able to look you in the eye day after day and mislead you. He obviously has sexual issues...or hasn't really dealt with his sexuality, or maybe he has but thought that wasn't something you should be privileged to know.

I feel so badly for you, from now on you need to protect yourself and your baby. Stress and emotional upheavals aren't good for you or your growing child. I would have to say, if he continues to do this and continues to lie and hurt you....leave. You can live happily on your own and focus on creating the life that you want.

[forgotten_not]

First you MUST take care of yourself as your number one priority.
He must want this for himself or he will not get the help.

Thank you Life-lies-trust, I am relieved to have found a place like this where people can relate to what one another are going through & support each other through such tough times. It definitely makes it easier to believe in humanity again.

As for him wanting to do this for himself I completely understand. He says he does, but it seems like he doesn't follow through or put the effort in to actually get help or talk to someone. The last councilor we went to talk to was at least 2 months ago & I set up the appointments because I knew if I didn't it would keep getting put off & possibly never happen. After just 1 appointment he said, & I for some reason agreed, he felt it wasn't necessary for us to talk to her anymore, granted she was a bit of a quack, but there's been no attempt since to find someone else to talk to, not even just for his PA. It just makes me so sick to my stomach to think what little he's doing to resolve any of this. He's always been a horrible procrastinator, but I thought maybe our marriage was worth it to him & he'd step up to the plate & do whatever was necessary. I'm too hopeful at times I think.

So...maybe he's not a nice guy, maybe he's selfish and able to look you in the eye day after day and mislead you.
Stress and emotional upheavals aren't good for you or your growing child. I would have to say, if he continues to do this and continues to lie and hurt you....leave. You can live happily on your own and focus on creating the life that you want.

Thanks for your response, QueenofHearts. I agree somewhat.. I know he is truly a "good guy", though selfish (can't deny that now), he does mean well. I'm not trying to defend him. I think he's just so confused with his sexuality, having not ever addressed his being bi or dealing with related feelings has got to be difficult & embarrassing I'd imagine. At the same time, that is something he should have addressed or had the decency to share with me prior to us getting engaged let alone married. I've never been able to understand why anyone tries to be in a committed relationship if they desire people outside of that relationship.. seems like an absolute waste of time, energy, & emotions to me. He knew that, how I felt, that's why I don't understand it.. how he could do this. I did my best to be so open about everything, about what I wanted, what I needed, what I believed.. & he made me believe he understood & respected that. I don't understand why someone would make a commitment to "forever" if they weren't serious about it.

I've been trying so hard to focus on me & my baby as I realize my baby's health & safety come before anything else. It's just so hard to stay positive when my heart hurts so much. As much as I know that no matter what happens I'm going to be okay, it's so difficult to even imagine my not being with him, though I know I have to make that a realistic possibility if things don't change before our child is born.

I just feel like I'm going in circles & I live so far from family & friends that there's no one to rely on for support except myself. I feel so weak & so exhausted, so tired of being paranoid, of feeling like I have to police my husband.. that's not my job, not my responsibility.. he should be able to keep himself under control.

Sorry that turned into a vent, my thoughts are all muddled. Thanks for listening guys.

-forgotten not

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent."
+ Marilyn vos Savant +

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you
now have was once among the things you only hoped for."
+ Epicurus +

[forgotten_not]

It's been 83 days since I found out his secrets.. 83 days since I became aware of my ignorance.. 83 days since my trust was lost.. 83 days since my heart shattered.. 83 days since our world, as we knew it, collapsed. 83 excruciatingly long & exhausting days trying to recover.. to pick ourselves up.. to regain some sort of normalcy again.

I'm still unsure as to where we're going.. & I still don't know if I'm simply wasting my time & energy with something that will never change, but I firmly believe in never living with regret- that everything happens for a reason. Though, I have yet to discover what that reason could be. Granted, the truth had to come out & I suppose I'm glad it did long before our child enters our world so we have time to cope & heal & hopefully grow from the ill experience.. for I will not have my babe exposed to such turmoil between us.

It's been 3 days now since he's looked at P & since our last discussion the air feels lighter somehow. I hope it lasts. I've found myself pulling away, a little more each time I feel he's "failed" me again, so maybe I'm just more disconnected now, or maybe this really is a turning point. I can only hope. I won't put up with BS forever, lets hope that's not the case, because I deserve better than that.. my baby deserves better than that.

27 days left until I get to see my babe in 3-D for the first time.. 27 days until we know the gender.. 27 days of anticipation & excitement.. it's all I'm going to focus on. :)

Today I feel inspired.

[QueenofHearts]

I'm glad you're feeling inspired, despite this whole uninspiring situation. I would continue to support and encourage him, and hope for the best.

However, make it crystal clear that you will not put up with it going forward. He needs to address his issues and fix them so both of you can move forward with your lives together.

If he is resistant, hesitant or unable to gain control of himself, then pack your bags. You are worth much more that that, and billions of women are single parents and are capable of living healthy, happy and content lives without a man being part of them.

I commend you for your courage and strength with what has been tossed your way. I have no clue how I would deal with the enormity of everything, new marriage, new child....gah too much!

Continue on, and be true to yourself. Don't put up with it!

PS: Because you are pregnant, it turns the tables in your favor. I highly doubt he would be willing to risk his marriage and relationship with his child for P, and if he is then there is no room for him in your life. Just stick to your guns.

[forgotten_not]

Today I'm struggling. I shouldn't feel so frustrated, he hasn't given me any reason to be, today anyway. There's just so much around the house & bills that have to be paid, I don't feel like I have any energy or motivation to get any of it done.

I wish it were nice enough outside to take a walk.. maybe I'll just ignore the housework for now, pick up some chocolate, & focus on having a good day.

I'm having lunch with my hubby in a couple hours- god, how he can still make me smile.

ps. I added a poem <here>

[Crisodian]

A very important piece of advise a wise person once gave to me...

Just remember, the housework will wait for when you are ready. :)

Take it one day at a time.

Peace,
~C~

[forgotten_not]

Wonderful advice & indeed the housework did wait, though I wish it would have taken care of itself. This morning my husband even offered (without my asking) to help clean when he gets out of work! That definitely put a huge smile on my face. He's putting in more effort not only to help me out, but to focus his energy & attention much more efficiently. It makes it so much easier to stay positive & even though he's only been clean for 5 days, that's 5 days he's put me & the family first. I'm impressed & so happy right now, I'm going to make sure he knows how much I appreciate it.

Today is a good day. <3