Miss Inadequate

[QueenofHearts]

Yeah that's me, I've thought that about myself for as long as I can remember. And every guy I have been in a relationship with, has always proven it to me.

I read a statistic that 70% of men watch P. In my experience with relationships, I have observed a full 100%. Every single guy I have had a relationship with, or dated, has been a user of P.

I despise P, have done for years. I could never understand the attraction or the desire to watch it. For me I equate sx with love. Sx is an expression of emotion to me, and I would never make it in any casual relationship. My heart would be trampled.

I thought Mr.Nice Guy was going to be different. After meeting Mr.Nice Guy, I had a glimmer of hope. He seemed caring, sincere, respecting of women, and often told me how he would never think of objectifying women in any way, and how he only thinks about me.

I was wrong.

It turns out even Mr. Nice Guy, my one chance at being comfortable and safe, has an affinity for P as well. My heart sinks.

I only found out about it by chance. We live on separate continents for now, and I've been waiting to be with him for over a year. I happened to discover a post on a forum about a reality show which involved ex P stars. How silly of me to think that he would be any different than the rest. He's admitted everything, but only because he was caught.

I think the worst part for me is the crushing reality that I have never been, and never will be enough for any partner I will ever or have had. Men are opportunists and will never be satisfied with the same woman long term. I've always hated myself, felt disgusted with my appearance and felt inferior to attractive women. One night I thought...wouldn't it be a nice idea for me to take sxy pics of myself and send them to Mr. Nice Guy for him to look at and ease any bordedom caused by our temporary separation. The joke is on me. Not only did he not seem that interested in the pics, he continued to pursue P over them.

Not just a slap in the face, more like a kick in the teeth. I had laid my boundaries about P right from the beginning with him. He knew my opinions about it, my disgust for it, and my intolerance. That could've been his escape route but no, he thought it would be a fantastic idea to string me along, hide and lie about what he does, and continually break his promise to me.

I told him soon after we met how much I hated P, and how hurt I have been in the past by boyfriends, even my ex husband by their use of P. My marriage dissolved after 2 years because of a few reasons, P being high on the list.

I have had a variety of responses from the men I've been with. "Get over it, every guy does it." "You will NEVER find 1 man who doesn't watch P." "Men are visual sxually, they need visual stimulation." or even the most resonating, "Shut up and deal with it."

Help me...I am the common denominator.

I feel so disgusting, I want to crawl in a hole and rot. I can't stand thinking about how nasty and repulsive I am. I will never measure up, I will never be enough.......i'm not enough, not enough.

I just want to be alone, where no man can hurt me again, just leave me alone! After Mr. Nice Guy, who I wanted to be with forever, thought we were soul mates, I am destroyed.

I want to find the biggest rock and just crawl under it one last time. No pressure, no unattainable standards....no hurting.

I hate you, I love you...I hate loving you.

Most of all I hate myself.

[Life-lies-trust]

You are not the problem it is the guy and the culture that they have created.

You are a loving caring person and no you do not deserve to be treated like an object. One good thing is that you are not 30 years into the marriage and then find out about the hidden life of your spouse.

Hugs and chocolate.>:D<

[KingofHearts]

Life-lies-trust is absolutely right. I know it doesn't feel that way, we've talked about it a lot, but you are absolutely 100% not the problem. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met or will ever meet. I'll never forgive myself for making you feel this way about yourself, and I'll never stop trying to make things right and help you to realise you truly are an amazing, beautiful person.

As much as I wish I hadn't caused us to need to be here, I'm glad that there is somewhere for us to be and deal with this.

I'm sorry. I love you.

[Life-lies-trust]

KOH First thing STOP the lies. That is the worse for us SO's. The PA/SA is hard to deal with but the lies are what breaks relationships. I will warn you about the SO's journals are the raw emotions that we go through.

QOH you are a good person. You need to place you first in everything and learn to love yourself. I understand your self image issue because I have the same problem. But inside I am a loving caring person that deserves to be respected and loved by my spouse. For us their actions speak so loud that their words of love are lost in the noise of their actions.

[KingofHearts]

You're so right. I need to make myself 100% accountable. I've done so many hurtful and deceitful things...

I'm just glad that QoH finally has people who will tell her she's not wrong for feeling the way she does and won't try to say that I've not been in the wrong when I so clearly have been.

[FoolishMind]

Dearest Queenof Hearts,

Reading your post I can feel that you are at the lowest of low right now, and rightly so.

KOH has acknowledged his problem now, and even thought it came out through being caught, he will be feeling like there is a huge weight of his shoulders now. The issue is that the huge weight is now an overwhelming pressure on you.

As mentioned to KOH, he has a journey to get through, which will not be an easy one, but it can be done. Likewise you too have a journey to make. If not for the P issue, It seems clear that you both love each other very much, and you would consider each other perfect.

When my wife first found about my PA, it devestated her, but through years of lies we kept going back and forth, and each time, her confidence and overall being took a huge knock, and I had turned my wife into pretty much a quivering wreck, and I kept thinking I was losing interest in her due to her lack of confidence. But only after sorting myself out, I realised i made her that way.

Fast forward 2 and a half years now, my wife is briming with confidence mentally and physically. I find her extremely attractive, and our love is stronger than ever. But it does take time, it does take some hard and difficult conversations, and it will be hard work. But for that perfect relationship, we would do anything wouldnt we!

Its early days right now, so your emotions will be raw, hate, rage, disgust will be just a few feeling swarming through you at the moment, but channel that energy, you love your man, and thats why your here, otherwise you could have all to easily just said "goodbye", Consider this last chance saloon...So you have pointed him in the direction for him to help himself, and please acknowledge he has to help himself, you cannot help him. What you must do, is really act like sponge and understand PA, and for your own side gain tips from other SO's on how they deal with the hurt, and what indirect steps they can take to help, and assist their partner.

Right now, there is no point in discussing topics on why society is the way it is with the relaxed attitudes of P etc, we cant change that right now sad as it may be. The other thing that either of you cant expect is trust. Just forget about trust, that will take an age. Focus on love, and accountability the rest will fall into place.

For the last 2 and half years I have never asked my wife to trust me, simply through ten years + of PA abuse, 2.5years is not worth a sneeze!

Easier said than done i know, but try and think positively, as its so easy to be negative and that is such a draining force, and never allows you to think unbiasly, or creatively.

My thoughts are with you, and I will be following both of your journeys closely.

FM

[QueenofHearts]

Thank you for your attempts in trying to convince me that I am not the problem, but logically I know that it has to be true.

Every single guy I have been with has done this to me, so if I think about it....majority does rule in this case.

I don't really understand the PA at all. It's very foreign to me to think that it is such a struggle and hardship to refrain from looking at P....just don't do it?

I figure if a guy has a sxual urge, approach your SO, or MB with your SO in mind. Which brings me back to the inadequacy, that must be the case because thinking of me or looking at the pics I sent him is obviously too boring...he wants someone skinnier, bigger breasts, or sluttier.

I obviously can't fullfill his needs or desires. Why waste my time?

I've told KOH so many times, look...if you like doing it and want it a part of your life, you have the right. Just leave me alone and go find a girl that will watch it with you, or a girl who doesn't care you do it. But why me, after I told you from day 1 my previous struggles with bf's who did it and my absolute and unchangeable opinions and morals in the P regard.

I just don't get it.

I have willpower, I won't let anything conquer me. I have control over my life. I am well aware that I can't change the world, and I can't prevent it from happening around me. What I do have is control over my own life and I can refuse to let it be a part of my surroundings. Which is what I thought I had, until I found out that KOH has taken that control away from me.

Well I am taking it back, and he cannot afford another relapse. I will be gone, no exceptions. Maybe I am unrealistic to think that a PA won't relapse, but he has a choice...a conscious decision to make. He is a sober person, so if he decides to relapse or continue on with PA, that will speak volumes to me and he will find himself a single PA.

Those are my boundaries, and have been since the beginning.

Make no mistake.

[Life-lies-trust]

QoH you have stated what the basic problem is THEY DO NOT THINK. They react and do not think about anything but that moment of pleasure. The MB is NOT done with the SO in mind or with the SO present, this is their secret world that is all about, for, and in exclusion of all else, them and them and them. They do not rationally think about anyone else but themselves. They only care about getting their next FIX, how soon, with what, and where at.

I'm sorry that you feel so bad about yourself. You are not the problem they are the problem. Just keep repeating this to yourself. I know it is hard to believe, I am struggling with this too.

HUGS and Chocolate.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

QoH-

There is no way to convince you that you are not the common denominator and the reason why your guys are all PAs. KoH has made it even harder for you to believe that. You told him expressly how you felt about P, you gave him the out and he still lied to your face. I would like to read in his journal at some point why he thought this was acceptable. Most people don't state up front that they don't want P as part of their lives, mostly because we don't know it to be an issue. So then our partners can lie to themselves and say they didn't know it would hurt us. But your partner couldn't even lie to himself because you told him from the beginning. I would really like to know his thought process, as I am sure you would.

So, how to convince you that its not you and its just that you happened to pick really good liars? I know its not possible to convince you really. But here is a different perspective. Perhaps there is something about you that attracts men who are secretly broken and they want to be with you because they think something about you will make them a better person. Of course, that is flawed thinking and they don't change because they don't really want to. But they are still drawn to you and hope you will never see their inner self. They don't like themselves and they know you won't either, so they lie.

I hope you find peace and healing.

[QueenofHearts]

I know, that is one of the hugest issues for me with him.

I told him right from the beginning, and he still held me hostage in a way. If I'd have known that he used P, I would have run the other way. The worst part of it all is knowing that he made a conscious decision to lie and misrepresent himself the whole time I've known him which is over a year.

As far why I attract users of P I am clueless. I've wondered this myself for a long time. I'm starting to think that pretty much all guys are P users, and I will face a decision to either continually be hurt by it, or be alone. I have no fear of being alone.

All this does not bode well for my opinion of the opposite sx. Frankly, I am starting to think that they are all sick and perverted with only themselves in mind. I already had issues with men because of my dad, now it's gotten way worse.

The only difference for me is KOH doesn't blame me for my opinions. He doesn't tell me I'm wrong for hating P, or advise me to "Get over it" or "shut up and deal with it, I won't change". He shows great remorse and guilt over all this. But again, perhaps it's fleeting or ungenuine. Time will tell.