I Miss The Rock I Was Living Under...

[AloneInACrowd]

I've been waiting for my account approval for days. During that time, I felt as if my thoughts would not stop, I had plenty to say. Now that I'm here, I'm completely blank.

I'll try anyhow.

I met my first love almost seven years ago. We courted briefly before moving in together. He was my first everything: first love, first partner, first housemate. We lived together in that fresh bliss for all of two months before I discovered his porn use.

He said he'd quit. He never did. Ten months later, I was done supporting him, I was done with his abuse and he was done listening to my begging. I was devastated.

A year later (and before I felt I was truly ready, to be honest), I made a new friend. I wasn't looking for anything and neither was he but we somehow managed to find it anyhow. We dated two and a half years before getting married. We've now been married about three years and just this past December had the most amazing little boy.

From the very first day the topic of a monogamous relationship came up, I told him I only had one issue and it was porn. I told him that I felt it was disgusting, degrading, and perverted and I told him of my previous experiences. If he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't use it. He said that that was not a problem at all.

Last week, I accidentally found the evidence of his porn use. This is the fifth time in as many years that I've had to approach him. This is the fifth time he's promised to make it better. This is the third time I've told him I would leave him (and this time, I'd take our son with us). This is the first time he's admitted he was addicted.

I wish I could say that felt promising; that I felt positive about our relationship this time. But I don't. Part of me is sympathetic and part of me is too angry to care. The angry part keeps saying, "It wasn't an addiction, it was a decision." I'm trying to quiet that part in order to save my marriage and my family. But I want so badly to give in.

- I want so badly to hurt him in return. I've thought about overtly hurting him (yelling, screaming, saying underhanded things that I know will cut through him to his core) and passively being aggressive (washing ALL of his work clothes and "forgetting" to put them in the dryer so he has nothing to wear to work, going to the mall and spending all the money in our bank account [that he earned since I don't work] on frivolous things that he could get no use out of). But I know that will only further damage our relationship and ultimately, I want to fix it.

- I want to see him broken and if he won't break himself, I want to do it for him. Since I found out, I've spent hours and hours crying, wanting to tear my heart out, feeling absolutely empty and broken. I feel like the shell of the person I once was. He's shown me none of that. During our talks about it, he calmly apologizes and uses our "I feel..." statements almost like a script. I want so badly to see the raw remorse, regret, guilt, that I feel he deserves. We go to bed and within minutes he's sound asleep while I toss and turn all night, often having nightmares for the short stints of sleep I do get.

- I want to take all that he cares about in this world and rip it out of his undeserving hands. I want to pack my things, our son's things, and I want to walk out that door right in front of his face. I want to deny him visits and I want to ignore any phone calls or texts he might send. I want to let him see what his life would be like without me there to cook his meals, fix his lunch, care for his child, and to stroke his ego. I want him to see what his life would be like without the laughter of his son, without cuddles before bedtime, and without morning-time silliness.

I would never do these things, but oh my god.. I want to so badly.

I hope our plan of attack that we've created will be enough. I know it's going to get harder before it gets better and that he'll likely stumble before reaching the top of this mountain.. But I want to get over it - I want to move on. I want us to be the couple I thought we were. I realize now that that was never real, but I want to try.

I love this man more than I ever knew possible. He's smart, funny, sensitive, compassionate, caring.. He's warm and gentle, open to communication and willing to listen when I go off on my crazy rants about society today. He puts the seat down because he knows I hate it up. He doesn't complain if I accidentally burn dinner. He works hard to give me everything I want.

I hate this monster, though. This cancer that grew inside of him. The part of him that is self-centered and corrupt. The part of him that is filthy and disgusting. I hate the part of him that could MB to P and then come cuddle up next to me in bed. I hate the part of him that lied TO MY FACE when I directly asked him if he was behaving himself. I hate the part of him that made the decision with me to try to have a child, knowing his secret. I hate the part of him that hopes I get home after him so he can sneak a peak. I hate the part of him that thinks it's ok to hold and kiss my innocent little boy after a day of lying and deceit. I hate the man that searches for degrading terms on the internet because he yearns to see them in action, knowing how much of a feminist I am. I hate the part of him that tries to play those demeaning scenarios out with me.

I hate the man that stole my best friend from me.

I'm trying:
-to be a good, loving wife
-to do the right thing by not hurting him and working with him
-to be a good mother
-to be honest and patient even when it hurts
-to remind myself that this *is* an addiction
-to support him just as I'd want and need him to support me
-to put one foot in front of the other, especially when getting out of bed seems pointless, hopeless, and overwhelming
-to see the light at the end of the tunnel
-to take one day at a time, one issue at a time, and one step at a time

[JenMac]

Hi Alone,
I am so sorry for your pain!! It is a painful place we find ourselves in when we come to this site. I can identify with all of your emotions and heartache. I am sorry that you are here at this time in your life.
I, like you, consider myself a feminist and my H knew all along of the strong feelings I had about porn or any devaluing of women. I have been married over 30 years to the love of my life and I was blindsided by the discovery of his secret. I felt like we were the closest of couples and that he was my best friend. That added to the distress and aloneness I felt.
It has been 7 weeks since I found out. I am going to counselling as is he. We are continuing to communicate and deal with this as best we can. He has put a filter on his computers and is trying to be honest with both himself and me. We have a lot of work left to do if we are to move ahead with our marriage intact.
I was encouraged to write my H a letter outlining how this has affected me which I did do. It had a sort of cleansing effect for me, at least for a brief time. I would encourage you to do that too. My counsellor encourages me to let my H know how I feel and to ask him the tough questions so he has to think about this and can't just deny or not really delve into his actions. I believe she is right about that. The questions I have asked have made my H have to look at himself and question his moral values.
We continue to struggle day to day with the emotional upheaval this has caused in our marriage. I know that in the first couple of weeks I was in a very bad place. I could not sleep. I had a sickness in my stomach constantly. I know how difficult this is for you.
Try to find some peace for yourself each day! Take pleasure in your beautiful new baby! Try to find something to take your mind off your pain and give yourself a much needed rest from the emotions you are dealing with. You need to do that to keep yourself healthy!

[AloneInACrowd]

JenMac,
Thank you so much for your reply. When my husband first told me about this site, I thought to myself, "Wonderful.. a place for all of you perverts to get together and discuss your disgusting thoughts..".. And then I got so jealous and suspicious so I began reading the forums and trying to see exactly how bad it was to discover that this is exactly where I need to be. To be in a place that's supportive and understanding? It is my life raft. Just the two replies my two posts have gotten so far have really shown me so much..

(As an aside, with my first PA SO, he convinced me that it was all my fault.. My fault for being tired from going to school full time and working full time to support him that I wasn't available for intimacy.. My fault that I looked at his computer when he wasn't there.. My fault for not trusting him.. My fault for being "hyper-sensitive" [his favorite term to describe me] and not understanding how normal he was.. He was just playing a flash game where he undressed cartoon women! What was my problem?!.. My fault for not satisfying him.. My fault for not being attractive enough... My fault for a million different reasons.. So when I kept seeing recurring problems with P in my current relationship, those thoughts kept coming back.. "You're just being prudish.. You're not being fair to him.. If you weren't so insanely jealous and untrusting, you wouldn't have found that.." It helps tremendously to know that I'm not abnormal.. I'm not a bad wife because I felt uneasy with the red flags..)

I did start writing him a letter (I didn't finish but gave it to him anyhow.. I feel like I could have written forever and never finished).. In fact, because I was having a hard time figuring out my feelings for sure, I went through the thread on the SO forums that details the way his PA makes us feel and I wrote down the ones that struck a chord in me. That helped tremendously! I'd write a couple down and then think of my own.. I'd write it and branch off and before I knew it, I was writing down all, original, honest feelings! He read what I got and didn't reply so that kind of hurt (I was hoping he would discuss it with me) but at least I got it out there..

I appreciate your tip on telling him how I feel and asking the tough questions. I had read on here that 100% honesty was required for recovery and that most SOs found it helpful to know everything and most PAs found it helpful to have to confess everything.. As much as I didn't want to know (I hate hearing those disgusting words come out of my sweet husband's mouth), I made him tell me everything.. I kept asking him, "What don't I know.. what else? what else?" until he felt he had told me everything.. Then, I started with the horrible questions my mind was asking and I think that helped us both - helped show him that there's so much more to it, it goes so much deeper than he realizes.. And it helped me feel like, "Ok, if he can talk to me about this now, maybe he'll be able to come to me when he's tempted instead of relapsing.." Today, we spent the day together and several times I thought of hard questions that I wasn't sure if I should ask.. ("What if I push him away like I did my ex?" I'd think to myself.. "Am I just being too intrusive now?".. "Maybe he wants some privacy - I should respect that..") Your suggestions helps reaffirm in me the fact that I have a right to know and it will help us both if I work up the courage to just ask.

[JenMac]

Sounds like you guys are communicating which is a good thing. I still struggle with knowing how much detail is healthy for me to know. I have just asked that question here recently. We do lots of talking, sometimes very emotionally and sometimes on a more detached, almost intellectual level. But I really do have difficulty with the details, with knowing how much to know about them. I have read and been told to be careful with too many details, as that is what will stay with me for a long time to come. I have read the same thing here, about needing to come clean and start with the truth and I do believe that. So, as you can see, I am conflicted about this. That is a good word for how I feel these days - very conflicted. Seems to go with the territory!

[AloneInACrowd]

I am trying to be nice, trying to be the wife he needs.. Trying not to be bitter and resentful..

But..

I am so hurt that he ruined my first Mother's Day.. I know this probably sounds petty, but we waited for this baby.. We planned for this baby.. We were thrilled together when we got our positive test result and we shopped for months together for baby items, baby clothes, decorations for our little one's room.. I'd point out small things during our nine months of waiting, "My first Mother's Day, I'd love a charm for my charm bracelet!" I'd say.. And days before my first Mother's Day, I catch him.. I'll never get another first M's D.. And I hate that he took this one from me. :(

[AloneInACrowd]

I think "conflicted" is an excellent description of how many things feel.. I think the most conflicting part for me at this point is the physical aspect.. I'm use to him holding me when I'm in pain, finding comfort in his arms.. I want that so badly.. But I don't want him anywhere near me - I don't want his filthy hands touching me, his perverted eyes looking at me, his lips that spoke nothing but lies trying to kiss away my tears.. It's like my mind, body and soul are at war with themselves..

I am, most certainly, conflicted!

[JenMac]

I am so sorry for the hurt taking away the joy of your first mother's day. Some of the hurt just seems to be more than we can manage at times, doesn't it?
I know exactly how you feel about needing his comfort. That's exactly how I feel, like I need him to help me through this. He has always been my best friend, the person I would go to in times of trouble. We never shared with anyone else any troubles. So I do need him now and he seems to need me too. I don't deny myself that. I feel like we need to feel close to each other, even now. Weird eh? Again that conflict of feelings, just as you said.
So tired of dealing with this. Like you, so wanting to just go back to where we were before all this happened to take it away. So sad really!

[AloneInACrowd]

More than ever before, I find myself wishing I could turn back time. I have experienced many unfortunate events that I wish I could undo, but this has trumped them all. The sorrow and all-encompassing heartbreak feel like they overtake my will to live and if I could just scream, I'm sure I would turn inside out except when I open my mouth, I can't find anything in myself to release.. (That probably sounds crazy but.. that's the best I could fit words together to describe this feeling).

I like what you said, about not denying yourself the fact that you need him and his support. I hadn't thought of it that way.. Sure, I had asked myself (and him) several times, "Why must I be punished for your mistakes?" but I don't think it clicked that by keeping him at arm's length when I desperately wanted and needed his support, I was just punishing myself more. We've never relied on outside people to help us handle our problems before, to expect us to now seems a little unrealistic. Not to mention, while dealing with something that has created such a chasm between us, more distance isn't going to help. We need as much solidarity as we can muster.

Something else I felt the need to journal:
I keep reading how the unraveling of the web of lies takes days.. weeks.. months.. That you don't learn it all in one conversation - that it's a process.

The night he disclosed to me, I kept pressing and pressing until he said there was nothing else to tell.. "Why would I try to hide anything now?" I asked a few questions that hadn't dawned on him and he answered them..

I asked him again tonight, "People on TTF are reiterating that it's a process.. It didn't happen all in one night, it won't come out all in one night.." but he swears there's nothing else.. I don't think he's lying to me, I just don't think he knows what to tell me because he was so desensitized.

The only reason it matters to me is that I have complained every single time this happened about feeling like I had to be a detective to get the truth. Before, he wouldn't lie to me outright, but if I didn't ask the right questions, he felt his omission of the truth was the same as honesty. I'm getting frustrated because it seems like I'm going to have to do that again in order to feel like we have total honesty and openness. And I am sick and tired of trying to figure out the questions to ask to get the answers I need..

[maggie]

Dear Alone,

Happy Mother's Day. Celebrate the love and the joy only a mother can feel, when holding her baby.

Porn can take a lot from its users and from the families and loved ones of its users. But it can't even touch the immense love and joy a mother has for her child. It is too pure.....and porn is filth.


The conflicting dilemna, do I reach out to him for comfort, after what he has done, makes you want to flee and never look back.

I know. I feel a disturbing combination of hatred, pity and love toward my h of 25 years. Shocked is an understatement when I found out. From what I've learned it has been going on for the past 3 years, but I don't believe anything he says to me anymore.

My advice to you is, take care of yourself first. His problem has taken things from you that you are not even aware of yet. Don't add to the robbery.

Take that little guy out in the fresh air and sunshine and swing, laugh and live. The laughter and enthusiasm of all the little kids playing is contagious and thrives in the light of day.

The evil isolating slime of porn can only thrive in the dark.

[AloneInACrowd]

This morning, I woke up feeling anxious and insecure even though we had a wonderful night last night..

- I worry that on some level we don't understand how big this is. It's been one week and one day since I discovered what he was doing and he told me he had an A. Already, I am able to find myself laughing with him. I will admit that those are the moments I forget what happened and some angry, sobering place in me always reminds me.. "What are you doing? Don't you realize the monster he is?! You cannot experience happiness with him!" I know it sounds silly but I feel like I need to be angry 100% of the time or I need to be ok 100% of the time.. This back and forth confuses me (and probably him also)..

- I feel guilty for complaining. I read about situations on here that just disgust me and then I look at our situation and think, "Oh, well that's not too bad.." Am I pissed that I'm here? Yeah. But am I glad we have only been married three years as opposed to ten or fifteen? Oh my lord, yes. I don't know that I could live with myself or him if he had been lying to me a decade. Also, I wasn't completely blind-sided.. We've had issues with p before so I am familiar with these feelings of anger, disgust, hatred, and betrayal. I guess though that I shouldn't minimize our situation. One reason that I might feel like our situation isn't too bad and irreparable is because we're still very early in this. I don't know everything yet (and neither does he, I don't think).. We talked more last night and even though he said he felt he's disclosed everything to me, we still found things I didn't know or that I feel he allowed me to not fully grasp (for instance - he said last week that he only used p and m once a week or so.. Ok, not as bad as several times a day or something.. Last night, I found out he only looked at the p once a week, but he m daily. It's those kinds of tiny differences that I feel I have to hunt out. "I only m to p once a week" and "I only look at p once a week but I m daily" are very, very different.. And damnit, I am tired of being a detective.)

- I use to have my own behaviors that some might say were addictive in nature but I don't feel like I was ever an addict. From the time my dad died when I was sixteen, I began self mutilating. I did off and on until when my H and I started dating. It wasn't hard to stop. I had hard moments where I wanted to, but I just distracted myself until I no longer felt the urge. I've started again because I just don't know how to cope with all of this. Last night he confessed that he felt frustrated and angry with me for doing it but that he had no room to complain. I was thankful: both that he showed he cared but that he didn't give me some self-righteous speech. .. I don't want to be doing this. I don't want more scars that I'll have to explain to my son one day. I'm looking forward to our counseling and having this site in order to help me cope so I don't resort to that.

- I've also been drinking more. I've always been a binge drinker (I drink rarely but drink to get drunk in social situations) because that's the nature of college. I didn't drink until I was 21 so I never thought it was a problem. My dad was an alcoholic so I understand that I'm predisposed to developing an addiction, but I just never felt I was at risk. But this feeling I have daily (sometimes several times a day) where I think to myself, "Oh man, I need a drink.." or "Just one - one drink.. Just to taste it." is scary to me. I know I'm trying to numb myself so I can escape from all of this and I know that's not a good idea. Luckily, I finished off my fav liquor the night before last and we don't have the money to buy more.. And I don't have many opportunities to drink because of my son.

- And lastly (while I'm coming clean about my own addictive habits), I am going today to get some earrings to start stretching my ears. I got some yesterday but it turns out they're the wrong size. Years ago, when I was dealing w/ the self mutilation and new found freedom of college, my therapist told me body mods were sometimes used as coping mechanisms just like alcoholism or cutting. She pointed out my two new tattoos and told me that those were just fancy forms of cutting. I see that this urgency I feel to get new tattoos, re-pierce my lip, stretch my ears, etc is just me finding ways to cope. I've wanted these things for a long time, but the urgency now is a direct result of my feelings of crisis.. I know if I am going to do more mods, it needs to be at a time when I can think clearly. But that's my brain talking and I've never been good at quieting my heart.

I hate this. I hate being in this situation. Feeling like I have to put on my mask of normalcy around everyone to hide this humiliating situation. I hate looking at my son with total love and humility one second and then remembering who his father is and not wanting to touch him the next. I hate feeling like I need to remind myself as to who my husband really is so that I don't let him get too close.

I just want to go to sleep..