OESO's journal

[OESO]

EDIT 20 APRIL: OESO has changed user name to Alika (reason 4 posts/entries down)


The journal actually started a few days ago in another thread OpenEyes - SO where I rehashed the events leading up to finding myself on TTF. However, I've managed to get some very needed sleep and even eat a little, so now seems like a good time to start an actual journal.

I am still trying to absorb the last week. There have been moments so dark that offered no consolation but in the midst of it all, I have also had sensations of my real husband being back.

We have talked like we haven't done in months, and there has been a few times where it looks like he will prove to put my scepticism to shame. He has surprised quite a bit with some of his thoughts and his attempts to backtrack how, when, and why P became an issue, and how, when, and why it turned into a habit that can only be labelled an addiction. He is eager to find answers to the many questions he has about himself, his life, his behavior, and it is inspiring to witness.

I have numerous questions to him that he is willingly answering, and it seems we are both making good efforts in trying to understand each other.

We have discussed that I don't want to have a parental role in terms of controlling or checking up on him. He needs to beat PA for his own sake first and foremost, though needless to say that I'll be thrilled! I have never had the urge to control or monitor him, and I don't want such urge and need introduced at this point. I want to believe him on his word, and I want to get back to where he shares what he feels like sharing with me and wants to share with me which used to be pretty much everything. So rather than me setting up a web protection software on his computer and safekeeping the password and secretly or less secretly go over his computer activity to calm myself, the actions that he choses to take and shows me that he takes have way more impact - they are much better at restoring faith and trust. At least that is what I believe at this point.

Today is a good day, it has even held a few smiles, and right now I want to cling on to the optimism for both of us.

[Charly22]

So awesome to hear that the two of you are communicating, especially in such a real manner. This is required....in any relationship...addiciton or not.

As far as controlling, monitoring, checking, you are right, it is not a healthy trap for you to get caught in. It will take you down with him. Before you know it, you will be addicted to checking. BUT....I would like to say that putting a filter such as K9 on the computer can be a great tool for him, not you. Without it, I believe he'll be setting himself up to fall, too easily. Its like a crash mat, there just in case he falls. You can set it to block only pornography, or you can set it to block anything that is in any way possibly risky.

I struggled with this myself. I did not want to "play that role", I did not want to be viewed this way. But time and time and time again, it wasn't until we talked about putting one on, he agreed, I told him it would help me feel like he had a good start. Now, there have been times that he's gotten upset about it being there...but he always comes down from that, and admits that its a good thing that it is there. It is too easy. This problem is growing out of control for more and more people, and it is the internet that has made it turn into an uncontrollable beast.

Think about it the filter.

[OESO]

As far as controlling, monitoring, checking, you are right, it is not a healthy trap for you to get caught in. It will take you down with him. Before you know it, you will be addicted to checking.

Thank you for putting it that way, that is really helpful to sort out my own thoughts and feelings and vocalize them.

No doubt that PA is OpenEyes's problem and his problem to solve. It requires that he wants to and that he believes in it. It requires that he can see what he will gain, the added bonus to giving up P for good. My choice is to stay with him and let him fight PA alone, to stay with him and support him in his fight against PA, or to leave temporarily or for good. I believe in supporting him, I don't want to lose him, and I also count on his support when I have an issue or a problem.

If he feels that parental control is a helpful and good tool for him, he will have to install and configure it himself. If then he doesn't trust himself with the password, I am sure we can find a compromise that will work for both of us. But the decision has to be his alone, as the PA is his alone. However, I don't want to be in a situation where I check up on him and then pad him on his head for being a good boy - it is degrading for both of us. I'd much rather hear it from himself and believe in his words as he's actually a very open and usually very honest man by nature.

Earlier today he told me that he had walked into a kiosk and spotted P magazines and felt guilty for noticing them to an extent where he turned his head away to not look at them. He also added that he didn't know whether this was the kind of detailed sharing of little things that I would appreciate, and he therefore didn't know whether to tell me about it. I thought it was GREAT that he did - the open sharing of experience, feelings, thoughts, and action. He doesn't have to be concerned about telling me something like that, on the contrary, it indicates just how much the whole thing is on his mind and how he feels about it. I again was so proud of him.

He has more spine and will power than most people I know, and by applying it to other areas in the past, he has achieved a lot and reached a lot of goals he has set for himself. I know without a doubt that he can do the same with PA, if he chooses to, and if he allows himself to be supported - both are out of my control. And, if he really just wants P again, no amount of parental control on his computer will do the trick...

Does it make sense or am I way off track here?

[OpenEyes]

I thank you for your encouragement, your love and I WILL be worthy of trust again. It will take time and I fully understand that. I so appreciate you being by my side, and talking with me. Thank you for you being you. ^:)^

Your Loving Husband

[OESO]

In a real weird mood today, and one of the outcomes is that I have major regrets about the user name as I feel like a mere "attachment" to OpenEyes rather than an independent individual.

I have taken the consequence of that and will continue writing under the name of Alika.

I apologize for any confusion this may cause.

[Alika]

So awesome to hear that the two of you are communicating, especially in such a real manner. This is required....in any relationship...addiciton or not.

As evident from our posts here, we're communicating quite a bit about this, on and off the forums. During today I’ve been wondering whether it's the real thing or whether it's just a temporary honeymoon phase based on relief that we didn't part and I stalled on filing for divorce. I don't want to fool myself, and I also don’t want to be overly sceptical.

I’ve been reading up a bit on addiction and addictive personalities and slowly start getting the impression that PA may very well be fought but there’s a major risk of it merely being substituted with another addiction. This one concerns me deeply. Also I still have the nagging feeling that the slate isn’t clean yet, actually far from. I think the lies go far deeper than I have yet discovered at this point.

The sudden need of mine for a change of user name came after looking at the wedding band I had stepped on till it was beyond repair. I’d wish I could say that it was an act of anger, but I wanted to make sure that I could never wear it again, because I don’t want to wear it ever again. There was something inside that died instantly when disclosing the first lies, the marriage lost its innocence, its purity, it got dirty. Had I known about the PA, there would have been no wedding, and since he chose to lie, he must have known this.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Alika-

I have been reading your journal and your story sounds a lot like mine.

I don't think there can be true healing until there are no more lies. You will never know about every day and every instance of P/MB, tat's impossible. But, IMO its important to know exactly what happened and weed through the lies.

My husband told me, it was just once, it was just while you were pregnant, it was just a few months, it was just a few times a year, it was just in the last few years, ok, it was the whole time and before, it was just P, it was just pics, it was just pics and videos, ok, that is my adult sight hook up account, but its new, its just been once, its just this year.... ok, it has been a few years, ok, you caught me, I signed up right after we got married. I don't know what that number is.... etc. You see, it was a progression of lies until we got to the truth. This took months and he only admitted what I could prove because its online or on the phone bill or the credit card. It was so frustrating and humiliating to have him lie to my face (its all in my journal... its ugly).

Only once the whole truth came out, then there could be healing. But while they still lie, its like they hope you won't find out the extent because then there's a back door.

I understand about the ring. I pawned my $1200 set for $150. I never wanted to see it again.

I wish you well and healing. Go with your gut. Take care of yourself too.

[Alika]

I understand about the ring. I pawned my $1200 set for $150. I never wanted to see it again.

As sad as I am to learn that it is not only me taking it out on the ring, I'm real glad you tell me this. I gave it back to him, as it's his. There's more to it, though. The engagement ring had been bought by one of his friends for his own wife, however, for some reason, the friend sold it to OE who bought it as my engagement ring. It was just too much for me - there are WAY too many women in this marriage! Wearing a ring that is a symbol on something that has turned out to be based on lies, and even a ring that was meant for another woman... No thank you, no more! I've asked him to keep the marriage license away from me, cause that one is likely to go next...

Sorry for the beyond crappy mood, but I've received some devastating and irreversible news. I need someone close to talk with about it, to support me, and in this particular matter, it simply can't be OE, who in turn feels rejected, possibly ignored, hurt - and I'm just not in a state where I can even attempt pretending to be a supportive partner.

[Alika]

I don't think there can be true healing until there are no more lies. You will never know about every day and every instance of P/MB, tat's impossible. But, IMO its important to know exactly what happened and weed through the lies.

I believe you're right about this. And for my part I need to "know it all" so I can absorb, digest, forgive, move on, however, if that process is constantly, or even regularly, interrupted with new discoveries, exposures, findings, revelations, it's a process that needs to start all over again every single time - maybe comparable to a "relapse", though not one that I have the least bit of control over or even saying in. For each one, the challenge and hurdle of getting through this and out on the other side, safe and sound, seems larger, more difficult, and too many "relapses" are draining and discouraging, and may eventually lead to giving up. I don't want OE's PA/lying lifestyle to be one that I start participating in with becoming a distrusting and accusatory person due to circumstances that I didn't choose, nor had a say in at any time. It's basically a stand on: come clean, fess up, spill it! Do it now, do it once, and let's get the hurt over with so we can start being constructive, productive, and work as a kick ass team, rather than work against each other with lies, secrets, deceits as if we were enemies... Also, there is a limit to how much I am capable of taking when it comes to deceit - and I don't want to get so used to it that it becomes part of everyday life - I want to get equally shocked every single time, and reduce those times to preferably ONCE.

And wondering whether any of that made sense; my brains don't seem to function well these days.

[OpenEyes]

Stay strong, Baby.
I know you are going through hell as well, if not more so than I. I will do all I can to be there for you as well as you have been there for me (maybe I can't match that, because you have been tremendous, but I can try). We are in this together and you have my love, always. @};-

OpenEyes