What am I feeling at this moment?

[JenMac]

What am I feeling today? Definitely up and down. Confused, conflicted.
I feel like we go along and are dealing fairly well with each other and then something comes up and I drop into a pit of emotion. That is hard to deal with but then after a few days I emerge and go along again.
Other times I feel like we are trying to carry on as if everything is normal and that can send me into a depressed state.
I am finding it hard to accept where we are at this moment. It has been a very humbling experience.
I had some hints of feeling angry a few days ago and that is the first time I felt that. That has disappeared again for the moment.
I just feel down, very down.
I think my husband is trying to be honest with himself and me. He has been doing a lot of self reflection. I don't think he saw the depth of the problem when it was first discovered but he seems to be starting to deal with the reality of it all. I think that to be into this sort of behaviour you have to tell yourself that it is okay, that everyone does it, etc. I think you have to ignore or block out a lot of the harmful aspects of it. I believe that maybe you don't see it realistically until you have stepped away from it for a bit.
To admit what you have been doing, to share your secret, is a difficult and humbling thing to have to do. I have struggled with asking specific questions regarding details, wondering how much I need to know, how much is healthy for me to know. But now I wonder if it is a good thing for the person with the problem to have to answer some of those hard questions in order to be honest with themselves about the extent of the problem.
This time I believe we have to work through all of this and begin with the truth of the situation in order for us to move on, to heal.
It's a long road ahead. It's not an easy one.
I am fortunate to have found this site to assist in the healing process. I belong to a 12 step program which is unrelated to this situation and I find that program helps me in this as well.
I will try to remember to be grateful every day! I have so much to be grateful for.

[Charly22]

you are right, the honesty with yourself and others IS necessary. And sometimes I think it takes being honest to someone else, before you realize how to be honest with yourself. Addiction is a sneaky lil bast*rd.

Allow yourself to feel the sunshine. It's ok. You deserve it. You need it.

[JenMac]

Thank you Charly! I agree with you - you have to be honest with someone else in order to recognize that you are not being honest with yourself!
Thank you for taking the time to respond!

[JenMac]

The end of another weekend! Again it was difficult! Seems to be hard to spend the extra time together with the problems at hand.
It seems we are either trying to ignore the situation or are caught in the depths of it and have a hard time dealing with it.
I am feeling very tired of it all. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Feeling very down and out. Very caught up in it all!
5 weeks tomorrow! Hard to believe! I just want it all to go away!
How do I work to make myself healthy? How do I quit worrying about him and work on myself? That is the million dollar question! I need to move ahead with myself. Do for myself. I can't get buried alive in this situation. Dwell on me and my needs. That is the path I need to follow!

[Life-lies-trust]

I have not words of wisdom for you.
So I send you HUGS and Chocolate.

[JenMac]

Thank you LLT!
Avoiding dealing with the issue the last few days. Just don't feel like I have the energy to do the work it takes.
Had a dispute on Saturday with my husband. I was surprised how quick to anger I was, and the strength of that anger! I feel like that dispute has set us back in time. I had not felt much anger up until that point in time. I do feel now like I am feeling quite irritated and somewhat ticked.
Going through the motions for my day to day existance, that's all I can do right now!
This too shall pass!

[JenMac]

I haven't posted for a while. Things continue to be up and down in our life. We are both seeing counsellors and are doing a lot of talking. Some good, some bad.
This seems to be all consuming at this time. I did however go out of town for a couple of days and was able to push it out of my mind for some of that time by keeping busy. But as soon as I had any time to think I realized it is right there waiting for me.
My husband had some time to deal with himself over that time and seemed to do a lot of self reflection. We had discussions when I came home and actually had a pretty good day on Sunday. But I continue to feel like we can't put this aside or we are not giving it the importance it requires. My counsellor encourages me to take a break from it now and again when I need to. She believes we need to foster the relationship as there is much more to the relationship than this part of it. I know what she is saying but it certainly feels like this affects every part of the relationship at this point in time. I do feel like we can not deal with this 24/7 but we need to do the work in order to come out of this a healthy couple.
I wrote this poem in the middle of the night, the night I came home. I think it shows how quickly and strongly my feelings came back to me after coming home.
Lying awake
So quiet and still
Wondering silently
How my mind to fill.

Lies and deception
Are powerful things
The pain they inflict
The sadness they bring.

Two people who love
And are best of friends
Who feel only heartache
And are desperate to mend.

Loving caresses
With minds full of doubt
Create hurtful moments
More to wonder about.

How do we heal
From this horrible place
Where will this lead us
What more will we face.

Questions are many
Answers too few
Emotion creates turmoil
And torment anew.

Flashes of images
That crowd the mind
Conjure up endless thoughts
Of the negative kind.

From darkest despair
To feelings of hope
We rise and we fall
For the answers we grope.

Time can be healing
Can lessen the pain
Supporting each other
From that we may gain.

It’s hard to imagine
What goodness could come
From this darkest of places
But I’m praying for some.

Lessens to learn
Chances to grow
Strength to move forward
May God’s spirit flow.

[Charly22]

Amen....may god's spirit flow :) I enjoyed reading your poem. Thanks for sharing.

I have found myself in that place too many times. Sure I will find myself there again. It seems that until we make a decision to step out of it, there we are, in the middle of all the negativity. By decision to step out of it, I don't mean step out of the relationship, but make the conscious decision to allow ourselves to feel something other than the despair. We allow that, or don't allow that. No matter the circumstances.

Sometimes we should allow ourselves to feel the feelings that we would rather avoid.

But then sometimes we get stuck there.

I understand....

[JenMac]

"I have found myself in that place too many times. Sure I will find myself there again. It seems that until we make a decision to step out of it, there we are, in the middle of all the negativity. By decision to step out of it, I don't mean step out of the relationship, but make the conscious decision to allow ourselves to feel something other than the despair. We allow that, or don't allow that. No matter the circumstances."

Thank you Charly for your reply! I see you have been around this site for a while. Just wondering how long it took you to get over the intense feelings and move on to a place of recovery? Does it continue to be up and down for a long time?

I agree with what you are saying in my mind but my heart is not there yet.

I attend a 12 step program for other reasons and I do know that we can have a lot of power over our reactions. Some days I am there and some not. I think I have been dealing with this in an almost detached way and maybe I need to really feel the emotions before I move on. I don't know!

Struggling today! My mind is full of doubt. I am questioning many things.

Tomorrow will be a better day!

I am thankful...
... for my close friends!
... for my work!
... for the sunshine!

[Charly22]

That's a hard question to answer...how long.....there is no definite lines to look upon for me. I've been struggling with this for years.

But only these past couple years have I believed a real difference is being made. Only when I came here and started reading, learning, writing, sharing, did I begin to feel stronger, and more capable.

I think we set out with the goal of "what can I do to make him stop" and we finally realize that cannot be the goal, the goal is to learn that what he does or doesn't do does not make up who I am...and it is up to me to find a way to find peace for my soul, instead of waiting for him to give it to me.

And even now...it is still a struggle.

But I must say, coming to this website is what allowed me to purge and experience my emotions....get the clouds out of my head and start seeing things clearly.

All of us are different.

Every couple is different.

There is nothing I can say that is gonna make you feel reassured that "its almost over".

That's up to YOU......we have to take control our own happiness.

Nobody else is gonna do that for us.