What am I feeling at this moment?

[JenMac]

Thank you Still and WL! It has been a while since I visited here, how rude of me not to come in and thank you earlier! I really do appreciate when you guys stop by! Honest! :)

There has been a lot happening around here recently. Lots of trauma, lots of newcomers. When this happens, it usually gets the mind working overtime.
There has been a lot of talk here recently about rebuilding trust or if trust can ever be the same again. The couples chat the other night was about making amends, and how that can help to rebuild trust. Mac and I had a conversation the morning after the couples chat around that very thing. He was telling me that in order to make amends it meant showing by his actions what he had learned from this experience in his life and showing that every day. That in turn would help to rebuild my trust. He was right on with these thoughts, but I had to share with him that there are other repercussions from the mistruths and betrayal that were on a different level. Because of the hidden nature of this addiction, and the ability of our partners to convince us that things were well, we are left with doubt of our own intuitions and perceptions and the damage of that is long lasting. Just when I believe I am trusting again, a thought can appear in my mind, a circumstance can conjure up a past event or my mind can make some little connection and this can cause doubt in my abilities to decipher what is true and what is not. Sad eh?
See my trust in mac is definately being rebuilt. It grows stronger with time and with the actions I can see him taking, the learning he has done and the committment to US that he is making. But will it ever be the same? Should it ever be the same?
I know it bothers mac that the trust is not completely there. We both find that rather sad and disheartening at times. But in another conversation I told him that this was perhaps his cross to bear. Just as I have things that are difficult for me to live with because of this upheaval in our lives, there are bound to be things that are difficult for him as well. This is probably one of them. He understood that. It seemed to make sense to him when put like that.
I know this is on the minds of others as well. I have read about it in other journals. Funny how that goes sometimes. We all seem to have the same things to contend with, although our journeys are all unique in their own way.
Thanks for listening!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

Good stuff, Jenn. Good thinking and good sharing. Thanks so much for all you do, for thinking of the people who are still in turmoil even when you are away from here. Yes, bad things happen to good people. We know that. But, when you see the good people making the very best of the bad thing that happened, we can be inspired, we can reach higher for ourselves, we want to make something good out of something bad... Thank you and Mac for all your hard thinking, all your high reaching, and for finding the peace between the two of you that is something you want others to find for themselves. It is the sunshine after the rain.

I wanted to add that I copied part of your last post in BetrayedFamily's as one of our PAs tried to reassure BF that her questioning her judgment in being able to discern the truth in her marriage affected her in her professional life as a nurse and in her personal life as a mom.

Your journal is a gift to us all, Jenn...and Mac. Thank you for being here and thanks for all you do.

[JenMac]

Thanks D, such kind words! You are a sweet person! :) Thank you for being YOU!

My Sunday Gratitude list:

I am grateful for a lazy winter weekend spent doing exactly as I please...
I am grateful for my cozy home to curl into...
I am grateful for my children and for the place they find themselves in at this time...
I am grateful for my job with children that makes me smile every day...
I am thankful for friends who reach out just to say hello...
I am thankful for my health and that of my family...
I am thankful for the healing that has happened in my life...
I am thankful for the gifts that have come from this difficult time in my life, compassion, empathy, patience...
I am thankful for a cozy blanket made with love to wrap myself in on cold winter nights...
I am thankful for this wonderful community that has blessed our lives...
I am thankful for my loving husband and all he has come to be through this time of learning...
I am thankful for late night and early morning conversations that keep us on the right path...
I am thankful for peace and contentment and the ability to appreciate that for all it is worth...

Happy Sunday!

Jenn

[Disillusioned]

I am thankful you are reminding others who are in a world of pain, to take stock of the blessings in their lives. That sense of gratitude makes all the difference in the world. You and Mac are quite the teachers, Jenn. I am so thankful for the many people you touch here, and that includes me.
may I send virtual hugs and virtual chocolate..(the latter not as good, but much less fattening!!)

[betrayed family]

Jen
I LOVE the gratitude list... I need to make one of my own... and I want you to know... TTF and YOU will be on it!!
Hugs for all you do!!
Be Safe
Betrayed family

[JenMac]

Thank you Disillusioned and Betrayed Family! You guys are awesome! Where would I be without you? You are kind and caring and giving, and I appreciate it so very much! Thank you!!!!

I have just come back from a visit with friends, and I can tell you that life is troubling sometimes.
Again, this is my friend who has a life altering affliction and so it is very bittersweet whenever I go to visit.
Facing something like this with friends is such an eye opening venture. It is frightening and heartbreaking to the extreme.
It makes you think about our own situation and where we have been and where we are going, and all the wasted time that we are spending here.
Man, life is tough sometimes.
When I watch what this couple is going through, it is so hard to come to terms with it all. Life can throw us curveballs that we are not expecting.
While what we are going through here at TTF can be so all consuming in our lives, I have to tell you we have no idea. It is actually an absolute waste of valuable time that could be spent so much more valuably (is that a word?).
I know I have said this before. But it is just driven home to me each and every time I visit these close friends of mine. This couple has been such a wonderful example of a life well lived, and here they are facing this in their lives when they should be experiencing the golden years of their relationship. I feel such sadness for their situation.
Feeling kinda down and reflective tonight.
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

Nothing like a first-hand view of someone undergoing a life-altering, incurable, eventually terminal illness to give invested by-standers a reality check. I've said all along, that this experience of PA and SO is an sad waste of time and energy that would be much better spent teaching children, creating something that will last, investing in others or our communities, being the best employee even if no one knows it but you, visiting housebound senior citizens, or a nursing home,visiting veterans in hospitals... Around us is a whole world of pain and also a whole world of beauty. If we can take some of that beauty and share it with those in pain, we will both be better for the experience. I think we have enough CEOs, enough top management people, but what we really need is more loving people to help the others who have been left behind, who can't make it day to day without help from others. P saps energy, poisons minds, wastes resources; time, money, energy. Instead of feeling frustrated that we don't make it to the top in a workplace, instead of trying to medicate ourselves to being numb, it would be so much better to put our shoulders to the wheel and help push for change, knowing what we know. Make the years between your birth and your death, as in 1948-2012, the dash, be as full of positive meaning and love as possible. TTF helps people move forward and out of pain, so it is positive and worthwhile; it is the underlying cause of all this pain that needs to be erased from the earth.

[Hopeful]

While what we are going through here at TTF can be so all consuming in our lives, I have to tell you we have no idea. It is actually an absolute waste of valuable time that could be spent so much more valuably

Maybe Jenn when looking at this time in our lives now, it could be considered an absolute waste of valuable time. But what I think is that although it has taken almost 2 years for us to come to this place in our lives, we certainly would not be as happy, content or honest with each other as we are now. We really do have that to be grateful for. Couldn't this be considered like going on a couple's retreat for 2 years also? I know it sounds funny to say that but in the end we have discovered so much about ourselves and each other. This is what we should remember, where we are now and all the special moments we have had getting here, I know there are quite a few.

Love ya Jenn~~H

[JenMac]

Thanks Hopeful and D! The mini crisis has passed and we are in a good place once again! I am thankful to the many here who can assist us in putting things into perspective. It means so much to me that you guys reach out and offer support and clear thinking in times of stress. :) Thank you again!

Home alone. Feeling content and happy.
Mac and I have reconnected and talked through our latest bump in the road. We again feel like we have been able to talk through and come to terms with what disrupted our connection. Seems that we can each feel a little vulnerable at times, and that is to be expected. It is wonderful however, how we can work through it and by doing that, it can make us come closer together once again.
Not much else new here on our homefront. But we are looking forward to a Canadian long weekend, hopefully spent with some family and fun!
Wishing all peace and contentment through this most trying time.
Jenn

[HopefulsRock]

Jenn... always nice to here the Mac's are doing well and getting through the vulnerabilities together. The strength that has given you two shows and is quite inspiring I must say.

I also must say I love this and I don't know why?

looking forward to a Canadian long weekend

...I'm not even Canadian