Lost One - Journal

[LostOne]

H lied to me this morning.

He slept on the sofa last night, I have the flu and he said I was keeping him awake. Possibly, but also possibly because he wanted access to a computer. His laptop was in the bedroom with me - we'd been watching a movie together. Mine was in the kitchen. I made note of the fact that my laptop was closed (in sleep mode) when he went out there. This morning when I got up, the laptop was open.

I waited, hoping he would just come out with it himself, but he didn't. So, very calmly I asked him if he'd been using my computer last night. I didn't want to go the old route of anger (I'm done with that - for his sake and for mine), accusations, and argument.

His reaction was to jump like a scalded cat and then to get angry. He swears up and down he didn't touch my computer and I can even check the history. I told him I had but that we are both well aware that the browser has a "private" feature. He got really angry and tried to convince me that I didn't see what I know I saw. The old "make her think she's crazy" tactic.

What he doesn't realize is he gave himself away. His behavior this morning was off (before I asked about the laptop). He won't make eye contact, isn't talking much, not much in the way of hugs/kisses.

As well he must have accidentally re-started my laptop when he tried to get it out of sleep mode. It's easy to do - I've done it many times. I know this because my IM was running in the background. I never leave it running if I'm not using it - it slows my laptop down. If I'm not IMing then it's shut off - but he doesn't know that.

I just find this whole thing so very, very sad. He is always there for me when I need a shoulder, an ear, a hug. He takes care of me when I'm sick (which can be a lot as I have chronic illnesses). I've told him that I will do whatever I can to support him, that I'm not going to get angry at him, that I know that this isn't something he asked for, and that I know he can beat it (I know he can - if he wants to). Still, he lied to me.

Maybe it was just a knee-jerk reaction out of shame. Maybe not. I'm not going to dwell on it. I came here to vent and then move on. If he chooses to tell me the truth, I will be very happy (even if it does mean he was looking at P). If he doesn't, well sadly he's choosing to bear the burden alone when he doesn't have to.

[Life-lies-trust]

I'm starting to understand that the addict and the self of the person are not always the same. The addict will do anything for their fix. The real person is ashamed. The addict will only lie about everything that is how the addict interacts with the world. HUGS to you and I hope he can get past the addict enough to be honest with you. For DG instant explosion is a sure sign that the addict is speaking.

[LostOne]

I had meant to keep up this journal on a regular basis but illness seems to keep haunting me and I haven't had the energy to write about it all.

Things are better - maybe, I think. H seems to be making a real effort and I've noticed he stays away from his laptop more. Especially at night when one of us (because of my illnesses) has to sleep on the sofa. He seems much more affectionate, more loving, and I've not noticed many mood swings. All good signs. Maybe.

The thing is, I really don't know. PA is a black hole in our life that we carefully avoid. Over the many years of dealing with this I think I've done everything: cry, scream, beg, plead, threaten to leave, leave, and finally (now that I understand more of the addiction) be as supportive as I can. The black hole remains however.

We do not discuss the PA. Ever. Unless of course I start the conversation. H will never, ever bring it up - other than to confess a slip as he did a few weeks ago.

Since that slip / return to P I've joined TTF. H joined, but his membership was denied. Did he follow up? I don't know. Is he a member now? I don't know. Is he still using P? I don't know. Is he struggling, is he doing well, is he happy with his progress, is he finding healthier ways to cope, is he happy, sad, worried, angry, frustrated? I don't know.

I think the saddest feeling in the world is being married to your best friend and have them shut you out.

I've asked him why he doesn't talk to me about his troubles when he is so insistent that I share all mine with him. He sayss I have enough to deal with (I have RA and MS) and don't need to be burdened with his troubles as well. What he doesn't understand is that the loneliness I feel from being closed out hurts so much worse than anything else he could say or do.

I think part of it is this need to "be a man" and fix everything himself. It's like asking for help is a show of weakness - whether that help comes from me, or a support group, or a friend.

What a long rambling post. I feel better for getting all this out of my system at least, even if it doesn't change the situation. Small comforts are better than none though.

Let's see what today will bring ...

[Life-lies-trust]

Lostone
"I think part of it is this need to "be a man" and fix everything himself. It's like asking for help is a show of weakness - whether that help comes from me, or a support group, or a friend."

I think you have really explain a big problem in the world and how men are to act by the world standard. This is not a good thing for they need support just as much as women do. Thank you for bring this to the conversation.

HUG to you if it does not hurt. Not sure if wishing you chocolate is a good or bad thing.

[LostOne]

HUG to you if it does not hurt. Not sure if wishing you chocolate is a good or bad thing.

Life-lies-trust: Thank you for the hug - they are always welcome. Chocolate too. :)

[LostOne]

So we had a long talk today. An actual talk - no screaming, yelling, anger or harsh words. A step in the right direction.

H says that he's given up on our s* life. He says that because of my MS and RA (which sadly, will always be a part of our life together) and my "not wanting s*", as well as the fact that he's has given up P, that he's resigned himself to a basically s*less life. Exception being those times when I want s*.

Guilt trip much?

We did talk about the PA. He admits it is an addiction. He won't, however, go for help again. He saw a therapist last year and says it didn't work then, it won't work now. He says that he will never be free of the desire to look at P, and that he'll just have to learn to live without it and that he will use what coping skills he learned from the therapist to help with that. He won't come to this website. He won't seek out any support groups for spouses of people with MS or RA.

He did say that he would try to include me more, and talk to me about the PA addiction (without me bringing it up first).

So he's basically just given up as far as I can see. He thinks no matter what our s* life is going to be next to nonexistent and he's just going to have to live with it. I tried to tell him that dealing with the PA and including me in that process would go a long way in helping, but he doesn't believe it. He acts like I have no interest in s* which is not true, but that's been his excuse to continue with his PA for so many years now maybe it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's a vicious circle - he uses P, I lose interest in being intimate with him, and on and on.

Part of me is thinking I should just walk away, let him get on with his life and find someone else. Someone who doesn't have MS or RA so he can have his "normal" s* life.

I'm sad, hurt, lost, angry, and frustrated.

And no, I don't want to be intimate with him. I'm working hard to let go of the anger (and making progress), but regaining trust right now is very, very difficult.

And s* when he is using P is awful. He's not there. He's off in his own head reliving something he saw on the computer. He's impatient, cold, and selfish. Oh when I think of how many times he told me it was all my fault that I "take too long" to be "ready". I'm still bitter about that - although I'm trying to let it go - all those times that he made me feel broken and not normal.

So now what? How do we move towards healing this? I know the person he really is loves me. The real person is kind, loving, generous, and wonderful. I don't know how much that part is in control right now though, and how much is the addiction talking.

How do I start trusting again, how do I let go of all this enough to risk being intimate and being vulnerable to being hurt?

[LostOne]

PS: If anything I am writing is too explicit, can someone please let me know? I know there are people on here working really hard to overcome their addiction, and I don't want to inadvertently post something that will make that any harder.

[Life-lies-trust]

I hate to say this but time is the key here. You have to work on healing yourself and if he does not see that you will be the only one to decide what is BEST for YOU.

Hugs and chocolate

[LostOne]

We had another long talk. Long, but in the end, worth it I think.

H finally truly acknowledges his part in this. I've acknowledged mine. We're both dedicated to working on this as a team and getting through it. This addiction has been part of his life since he was a teenager, but I think this time it's going to go for good. H beat his addiction to alcohol and hasn't looked back, so I know he can do this too.

Mind you, I realize this isn't going to be all rainbows and fluffy bunnies. I've been through the "I won't do it again" too many times to count and I know it can happen again. I do truly believe we've finally broken the silence on this though, and that I think is the key.

H commented to me today on how much happier we both are the past couple of days. "And all it takes is me not looking at P and being honest with you." Well, that might not be all it takes, but it's a good start to be sure.

Now it's my turn. I've got to continue working on letting go of bitterness, anger, and resentment over the past. If I don't it's just going to poison things again and we'll go right back to square one with the whole thing. When we had our very long talk I mentioned how angry I still am, and the feelings that I went through while dealing with all this over the years. H (in a moment of frustration) looked at me and said "Don't you know this isn't about you?" It was a bit of a breakthrough for us both, I think, when I replied "I understand that now but I never did before." I think he sees now that I wasn't being a b* for the sake of being a b* but that I was just as lost in this whole mess as he was.

Letting go of all that negativity has been a lot easier since I started coming here and reading others posts. I can really separate in my own mind H and H's addiction. I can accept that this isn't something he chose, and that while he is responsible for his own actions, he didn't do this out of a desire to hurt me, or because he's some kind of monster.

I guess at this point I'm cautiously optimistic. We've never before been able to discuss things like this, with this level of honesty. And we're still talking, days later. Another first. Normally it would be a big blow out, apologies, and then silence. H is still a bit reluctant to bring it up himself (other than that one comment - which made me want to do a happy dance), but he is willing to talk if I do, with no anger or lying.

It's early days, and I know he's got a ways to go with this - we both do - but I think there's hope. And that is a very nice feeling.

[LostOne]

Well, so far so good. I've had moments of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" but H and I talked about it, and it felt good to be able to share with him.

H says that the urge is still strong, but he hasn't relapsed. He told me this morning (after I spent a night on the couch due to sleep troubles) that he was very tempted last night. We haven't had much chance to be intimate the past few days as I've been in a lot of physical pain. He said, although tempted, he didn't give in. I gave him a big hug and told him I was so happy and proud of him. And I was. What I didn't tell him was I spent most of last night wide awake, worrying that he would relapse. It was a nice feeling to find out my worries were for nothing. Against my own rules, I checked his computer, so I know he's not lying.

We have tracking software on his computer, and mine, but I hate checking them. Most of the time it's pointless anyway as I know when H has been looking at P. I hate that feeling of sneaking around, checking up, feeling like I have some responsibility for his behavior. I guess today I just needed that little extra bit of reassurance.

Dealing with chronic illness and PA. Oh what fun. It's really on my mind today - I guess that's why I'm here and writing all this down. How do I shake, once and for all - that sense of "owing" H intimacy? How do I get rid of that lingering fear that my RA flaring up, us having less s* because of it, will increase his temptation to turn to P as a "relief", and that somehow I will be responsible if he does?

When will I truly, to the core of my being, accept that this is not my fault. H had PA before he met me, I didn't cause it, and while the additional stress of my having these diseases certainly affects him just as much as it does me, that is still no excuse to give in.

I guess today is one of those days when I would very much like to go and stand in the middle of a big empty field and scream. ;-) Venting here seems to help though, so maybe I'll just stick with that.

This is a bit of a rambling pointless entry, but I guess that's where my head is at the moment. So many little bits of thoughts and emotions floating around - going from happy to sad and back again.

I guess I'm going to have days like this until P is put firmly and permanently into the back corner of our lives, left to collect dust with other bad memories.