Journal Day 1 March 25 2010

[landslide]

My first day using this site.....

Most of all I'm afraid---second of all Im confused with a multitude of emotions and feelings. Third, I am genuinelly fed-up with the game playing he currently insists on.

Im afraid I dont know how bad it really is....maybe thats a good thing. Confused. Is it normal? is it just a 'guy' thing? If it's not too much is it ok? How do I turn off the thoughts that he only wants me now to keep him off his back---and after his one time with me he can go back to his monitor? Game-playing--I am just so over it.

I feel relief there is a site and support group to help me. I feel relief that I am not living with this secret alone anymore. Other peoples posts show me that their is honesty amongst each other and most of all from those that really want freedom from the agony this addiction causes by both partners.

There is hope that I can begin to figure out what I believe, need, and can or can't live with. There is hope I can understand what this problem really is, since my husband doesn't want to talk to me about it. Ugh---Im so happy I found this site. Eventually I hope to be able to communicate with my husband in a effective rather than destructive way regardless of whatever he decides to do. There is hope and prayer that eventually my husband might actually really want to get honest with himself, to get some of the freedom I have seen some of the other people gain from true recovery. I can't even imagine a honest relationship with my husband about this at this point. What would it be like? Wow. There is hope I can regain some level of self-worth and confidence that I have allowed his use to take from me.

I still love my husband---I want my marriage back.

[Life-lies-trust]

I understand exactly what you are saying. DG also has played the game of using me to keep me quiet and not to ask about his secret, fantasy, world. This is what has really hurt me. He has not gone to other women but just MB major time.

I sorry you are here but we do care and understand. Some of the SO journals are raw emotions (mine when I'm upset). You should not be just an escape when he does not have his addiction.

Take care of yourself. His addiction is not about you but you are caught in the fallout of all the cr$p. You are a good person no matter what you deserve respect.

[landslide]

Went to our counselor today----Im posting the same here as I did for my introduction just cause Im too tired to write other stuff out and I want to remember some of these thoughts....

We had our appointment today with our counselor. I told the truth. I think I did it for the most part with grace, but at certain points it wasn’t pretty and I certainly didn’t look like any porn star with mascara running down my face, hands shaking and blowing my nose.

I thought I was going to get sick before the meeting. It became doubly hard when I found myself having to repeat to him that I knew--not wondered—and it was time to cut the C*&%. I relied on Life-lies-trust recommendation, ‘cause I became flabbergasted when he didn’t seem to comprehend that the secret wasn’t solely his anymore. He wasn’t duping me anymore.

It was rough. I think he mustered up as much truth as he could at that point. And I recalled Devastated2's comment that I needed to remember that only he knows the extent of his addiction and that it will take courage for him to share it with me. Those were very wise words.

In one blinking second, time seemed to stand still and he seemed more like a trapped and wounded animal than the strong and confident man I am accustomed to. I felt like I had just forcefully yanked him out of a picture show and he wasn't enjoying the daylight too much.

I can’t stay in this relationship with him if he doesn’t want to quit. This lying thing has got way out of control. For a few minutes I felt light-years apart from him and I couldn’t help but wonder how in the world we got here. When did we become such strangers?

One part of me feels like I am kicking and punching the whole porn industry in the face fighting to get my husband back, the other part of me wonders if he wants to be fought for?

I think right now we both need some time to absorb what happened today. I thank God for the counselor. I thank God for this site and the people in it.

I feel pretty crummy about myself asking for what I need. Yet, tonight at my alcohol recovery group a gentleman that started weeks before me ‘graduated.’ I have only seen him and his tiny wife in his final weeks of recovery. Several in the group tonight teased this little lady that she came in with him carrying a baseball bat. It was a funny metaphor. Because when this gentleman addressed our group he began with thanking and kissing his wife for her strength and courage when he didn’t have any. So, maybe there is hope for us too.

[boris]

It's never ok. I force myself to think of it as a pretty cake laced with excrement and heroin. It may be tempting, but it is never, ever ok to partake even a little bit. It is always addictive and filthy and deadly.

[Life-lies-trust]

Hugs to you. I replied to your other thread so I will not duplicate here.

Keep working on you. Remember that this is HIS addiction and you are just part of his collateral damage. You are a good person.

[landslide]

I really appreciated Boris's comments because since our meeting I keep thinking "Is a little bit ok?" "Am I blowing this our of proportion?" Then I think, no--there have been signs for quite some time that he isn't 'showing up' in the marriage or for me in alot of ways.

Way back when we went to A/A together there was a mutual understanding of pain, recovery, and growth. We talked about our meetings and what we thought, how it affected us, how we were doing. The people made it special. And with it all there was a closeness between us. But even then when he was fully in SAA he never discussed his issues with me, and I respected that, but he was never really honest and he didn't lick it. He might be better at controlling it now, but it still changes him that while his body is here his mind isn't.

I think the thing that hurts the most is I just wonder if he is attracted to me at anymore? I'm 45 and pretty and in pretty good shape. But I'm not 20, wearing a tube top for a dress, and be able to smile while doing a backbend. I wonder if he has to think about other people to be with me? Those thoughts make me sad. I could ask him, but wouldn't believe what he said anyway---I'm not even going to ask. It hurts when you love someone so much and you have to face that you aren't all the things they once told you you were. All the good stuff.

I also wonder is he is undressing women when we are in the store together or restaurant. I mean is he ever just with me? I know when I see a good looking man I can think, "Hot!" but then I'm back to my grocery list. The thought is gone. I don't take some stranger home with me in my mind. Is he??? I just don't know.

I just thank God he isn't (I'm fairly certain) communicating with any of those sleeze-bags....I don't think I would be able to handle it.

Where do all these women come from? Where are their Mothers and Fathers, who are their spouses and loved ones? Millions of sites, millions of naked bodies for anyone to see. I just don't get it. I can't even imagine the long term effects of this negativitiy say in twenty or thirty years. Our men are really going to be sick at some point I think. Its sad as a society that we accept it that it isn't going to do any harm.

[debv]

Where do all these women come from? Where are their Mothers and Fathers, who are their spouses and loved ones? Millions of sites, millions of naked bodies for anyone to see. I just don't get it. I can't even imagine the long term effects of this negativitiy say in twenty or thirty years. Our men are really going to be sick at some point I think. Its sad as a society that we accept it that it isn't going to do any harm.

This is my biggest question. My PA is DudeWaffle, and he has had a series of counselors who all insist that no psychological damage has been caused by his use of particularly degrading, demeaning, and in my opinion and that of several of my friends violent P. There has to be some damage to men's psyches when they are watching other men do those things to women, and they are turned on by it and MB to it instead of being disgusted by it.

And there has to be some damage to women's psyches to think that men are turned on by that, and they either have to compete with it themselves or try to find a man who is not turned on by it. And how does a woman find a man who's not turned on by sick, disgusting s3x when men are certainly not going to volunteer it, when we can live with our men for years and not even know they are doing it, and when men can look women in the eyes and lie to them about it. I can tell you for a fact it's damaged my psyche. I don't think I can trust any man anymore, not for the least reason that I can't trust my own judgment anymore.

Our society is in a world of hurt. I just hope it doesn't have to get much worse before we hit rock bottom, or we're going to go the way of the Roman Empire, or maybe Sodom and Gomorrah.

ETA: Oh, it's also wise of you not to ask if he's brought those videos into bed with you. He'd just lie to you anyway, you would not believe him, and the hurt would not go away. I know from experience.

[landslide]

So, I am very fortunate because my H is going to go to some people in the same out-patient center that I am going for alcohol addiction and get some help that specialize in sexual addicition.

I am not sure if the counselor he going to go to is a PA, but he teaches one of my classes once a week and I have learned more from this guy about addiction and the actual meaning for the 12 steps than I did going to a ton of A/A meetings. That sounds brutal, but let me explain. A/A kind of became like going to church when I was a kid. We went every Sunday, looked like good christians, didn't really walk-the-walk all week, but showed up again the next week in our Sunday best. In other words, we looked good, but there wasn't any real connection with God or on a spiritual level. I was going to meetings, even meeting with some sponsors, but I just wasn't getting it. Maybe it is just time for me now--maybe it is just hearing it in a different way--don't know, don't care---it's working.

So, I feel good that my H will be seeing that counselor in particular. It was funny (in a weird way), he said he loved working with PA's because if they do commit to it and 'get it' it is one of the best recoveries to watch because it is so profound.

So, on the positive I am glad my H is going to get some help. I plan to put K-9 or covenant eyes on the computer today while he is gone (he's agreed to get it).

He was out of town last week and looked porn again, we met with our marriage counselor on Wednesday where he agreed he would get some personal professional help. I am going to try to focus on what I want in our marriage versus what I don't want. However, I know we are going to need help for us to begin to learn to communicate again, forgive one another, stop co-addictive behaviors, trust once again and all the rest that recovery requires.

The good part is, I do not feel alone anymore. I have this site, I have my recovery and my recovery group, and my H isn't pretending to be a angel anymore (even though trust is still very precarious at this point) while he's using behind my back. He has begun to tell the truth, which is huge progress, and I am going to work on myself to stay strong so if he decides to continue to use it, I will take the steps to protect myself and take care of myself.

[Life-lies-trust]

Landslide good for you both. I glad to hear a SO who is caring for herself. That is one area I'm still working on because at times I feel that I do not matter. We all have our areas to work on. Good for you, you are trying and reaching out to others.

[Charly22]

I must agree! That is the one thing that takes us down so fast before we even realize it. We HAVE to find ways to be good to ourselves. We get a chip on our shoulder, and before we knew it, cannot experience real life either. Worrying about their addiction becomes our addiction. Not because we think it is good to worry, or we are tempted to worry, or it is something we want, it is a mirror to their addiction. Before we know it we are addicted to worrying, checking, struggling.

I am still struggling with this issue, but one thing I have learned for sure...get back to your own self, your own spirit, alone, on your own, stand strong and find those little things again that make you smile and happy. Even if it is just to find some temporary comfort.....otherwise.....you will not have strength you need to be there for anyone! Including yourself!