His first slip-up!

[girlfriend]

Well, it's been a month since the massage parlor incident. My F has admitted to his PA, gone to counseling, and has put in much effort in his recovery. The other day we both went to therapy. I really like the therapist. I asked him if my F's PA means he can never MB again. The therapist made it clear that men do not NEED this. He also said that the choice would be up to my F, knowing that if he did so it would take away from our relationship. WELL..... I caught him in a lie last night. I knew he had MB yesterday to P. He closed the blinds I had opened, and set his pillow in the old position. I saw the rearrangement when I got home from work. ( I left after he did yesterday am) After asking him many times for the truth, he admitted he lied because he was scared of my reaction. I told him if he really wants to give us a chance, he HAS TO be honest no matter what. I promised that I would not "react" first if he were to tell me something. I have a feeling he still thinks it's OK to MB. The therapist never said "he couldn't". I don't know what to do.......how can I trust that he will tell me if he slips-up? I also will be away on business next week. I'm so nervous and anxious!! This is no way to live. What should I do???

[little_wife]

I asked him if my F's PA means he can never MB again. The therapist made it clear that men do not NEED this. He also said that the choice would be up to my F, knowing that if he did so it would take away from our relationship.

I have a feeling he still thinks it's OK to MB. The therapist never said "he couldn't". I don't know what to do.......how can I trust that he will tell me if he slips-up?

I hope someone else answers this, because honestly I don't know. I never could do this without reacting. It always seemed like such a betrayal to our relationship after seeing how destructive he'd allow the porn to get. One thing that my husband does tend to react well to is when I acknowledge that I do understand the urges....but the actual lies and going back to it, I have a lot of trouble with. And trust? That has to be earned. I don't think one needs to trust someone who is untrustworthy. That's often what brought us to this point. Over time, this can be rebuilt, but it's going to take alot of effort by both of you.

[Life-lies-trust]

little_wife thank you for answering I did not because of the mood that I have been in.

Girlfriend -Little_wife has said this as well as it can be said. He is going to have to be honest with you to be able to rebuild the trust. Trust broken is not easily regained. That is where the PA's seem to have problem with that we SO's do not believe their every word. Sorry that you are here but this is a great site.

[girlfriend]

Thank you both for the comments! I really appreciate the support now.

[maggie]

Girlfriend,

Sorry that you have to worry about your F's behavior while you are traveling for work.

I think that most SO's worry about their partner's choices and behavior, and where it may lead them, if they relapse.

Sadly, it becomes more of a parent and child relationship, instead of the relationship between two trusting adults.

"Masturbation".... is becoming a popular topic in news media lately. Some university recently published their results of a study on masturbation, claiming that it can prevent prostate cancer.

Maxim and Men's Health magazine(which has morphed into a soft core porn content, not health) are now encouraging mstbn for health reasons.

But, if you actually read the study, it is the old, a little is okay, but too much is harmful. The magazines and men's commentaries are not stating the negative findings, only the claims that a certain amount of mstn is good for the prostate gland!

[girlfriend]

Hi, Thank you for the information. I continue to struggle with the difference between being supportive and enabling. I hope the media will shed more light on the devistating consequences MB has on relationships.
Take Care.

[jrock123]

I wouldn't place much value on what Maxim and Men's Health magazines say. they are no different than Cosmo. My addiction was MB and P together. I've been clean for almost 3 months and the only real choice for me was to stop both. when i didn't have access to P, the images in my mind while MB'ing were of women I knew. I don't see anything wrong with MB provided it isn't done with images in the mind, or while viewing porn, and doesn't inhibit the sexual relationship between two lovers. I have proven to myself that I can't separate images from MB, so I have chosen to not MB. Is there any chance you could try just MB'ing together to see how that works?

[girlfriend]

Hi Jrock123,

Thank you for your reply. My F has made an effort this last month, however, I don't think he is as knowledgable as you are about the PA. I still think he believes it's OK to MB every now and then because that's what "normal" men do. I am here for him 100% for anything that he needs... His issues are deeper.....he's been MB'ing to P since he was a teenager. Loniness, bordom, stress have been triggers for a long time. I think once he is able to realy discover this part of himself, the need to MB will subside.......or at least, that's what I hope.

[jrock123]

yeah he needs to quit both for extended time to break the link between P and MB. so MBing is out of the question right now. however, why can't the two of you do this together? or help each other out in this respect? he simply cannot do it along until he can break that link and make some progress from his porn addiction.

jrock