another one bites the dust

[3rdTimeACharm]

I'm editing my post because I do not want this to be a reminder of my current self. I have decided to tackle
this on face forward and move on. I am not liking the way I am
and the way I've become, and ultimately I have to stop
asking "why me" and "how can he". This is not fair for me to have to carry this burden, so I won't.

I thank you for everyone who has helped
provide me insight with my short stint on the forum. Pls be assured
that I'm not giving up, even if I'm off the forum - I'm not giving up on me.

[Life-lies-trust]

I found a counselor that has a sliding scale based on you income. You can look for a non profit group or a family center that is also part of united way funding.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Charm-

Hi, and welcome to the forums. Its sucks to be here... I know. I am the SO of a recovering PA. But, you are here and this is a good place to be for help and support.

To answer your questions:
1. No, you are not wrong to expect him to go all out to save your marriage.

2. Staying or going... that's the tough question. You are the only one who can answer that. But, you have to decide for yourself what you are willing to put up with. If he doesn't choose to change (and it sounds like he is still in denial) then if you choose to stay, you are in essence choosing to accept his P use. And whatever else he's doing. I will tell you that in many cases, mine included, it was the ultimatum that finally woke my husband up.

3. I have no answer for this one. My husband goes to a counsellor at church and its $30 each time. If you are seeking something non-faith based, I don't have an answer. I will give you something to think about though. It is good to seek counselling for yourself to deal with your personal issues. But, if you are seeking counselling to learn to accept your husband's hurtful and continuous behavior, then I think that's a losing battle.

Good luck in your journey. I hope your husband decides to quit, but from what you've posted, I don't think he has.

One more thing... your weight is NOT a contributing factor to his P use. It is an excuse for him, but you could look like a super model and lay around naked and cater to his every whim and if he is an addict, he will still lie and manipulate and look at P. If you were a super model ( and I am not saying you aren't :)) then his excuse would be you are too perfect, so he has to look at P. So, for your sake, for your health and self-esteem or whatever, do something for you so you can be fit. But losing weight will not cure any problems. You are beautiful as you are and the man who loves you won't throw stuff in your face in order to get you to leave them alone. That's all I have to say about that.

Has your husband looked at this site? Maybe it will help him. Also, some people suggest writing a calm and loving letter detailing how P makes you feel and how it negatively affects your marriage. Hugs to you.

[Life-lies-trust]

I decided not to go through an abstinence period in fear that it would lead him to P again, but obviously, he has not dropped it.

We have just finished a 31 day abstinence period and my PA says he has not had clearer thoughts in decades. It does help but you both have to agree to it and he HAS to have a support team in place to call when the urges hit. Without the support team he will not make it.

So back to the quote above - his P use is not about me, and therefore I shouldn't cater to his every whim and urges. And the question ultimately becomes, when will he realize that his lack of physical and emotional intimacy is now costing him his marriage, without beating him with it over and over again?

Addicts do not see subtlety but need a sledge hammer to the head to even get their attention if they are not focused on recovery.

There's no verbal ultimatum from me, but I'm hoping this confidant will give it to him.

If you do not explain it to him in words and/or writing he will not understand what the PA is facing. The addict shuts the world around them out and we SO's are the first voice that is silenced by their selective hearing. You are at some point have to face him and tell him what he is risking loosing by continued use of the addiction.

Sorry you are having a tough time and NONE of this is easy in any way at all. It is a dirty, nasty, hateful, and uncaring addiction.>:D<