new member, new journal.

[Twentythree]

so, i recently discovered (along with my boyfriend) that my boyfriend is a PA. i was shocked, as a few months ago i brought up the P issue and he said it wasn't important to him, he didn't use it often, and that he would stop using it if it made me uncomfortable. so i thought he did. a couple of weeks ago, he left his computer at my house, and i felt uneasy. i looked at his history... and sure enough, one day three weeks prior to that, he had looked at P. my heart broke. i thought my chest was going to explode. when he offered to cut P from his life, i told him that if he ever felt differently or something changed then we would need to talk about it further. not only did he not REALIZE he needed it (in an addictive sense), he rationalized breaking the promise to me because "he caught himself, and stopped before he MBed," only he went to various sites... he thought that since he didn't "seal the deal" then he didn't have to tell me, as he didn't break the promise. obviously, we both feel differently now. when he started saying it was a compulsive thing that happens when he's zoning out on the internet, we both realized it was far more than a hobby or a way to pass the time. i am his first real relationship, so obviously the guy had been used to MBing and looking at P. we usually have sex 5-6 times a week, so to feel like that wasn't enough - and i wasn't good enough - hurt me badly.

i found all of this out a day before leaving on a 2 week trip with him, wherein i met his sister for the first time, and stayed with her and some of his friends. it was incredibly challenging as all we really wanted and needed to do was work on each other, talk through things, and research this addiction - but instead we were in NYC, going from museum to museum and passing strip clubs/sports illustrated swimsuit ads in the subway/lingerie ads/nude paintings, photographs, and sculptures in all the galleries... every where we went, this thing confronted us. and it still does, even home. i am so much more aware of all the shitty degrading advertisements and media that before i tuned out. before, i saw that stuff and looked away, didn't even focus my eyes on it because all the girls look the same. now i look at it in pain, wondering why so many men see that stuff and feel the urge to MB, and wondering how these homogenous images became "beautiful". and i fear that some part of my boyfriend's mind will not ever be attracted to me, as that is the part that has been trained for over a decade that girls are supposed to be skinny with big tits, tanned skin, and no hair.

i know my boyfriend loves me and i know he is attracted to me. and i know that he is committed to overcoming this. i am also committed. i just need to stop dwelling on what's happened in the past, and think about how to improve my own self image and how to help him along in every step, and support him.

one of the hardest parts with this now is that he also suffers from severe anxiety. i believe that given that i was his first relationship, he felt extremely undesirable and awkward and that P and MB were a way to control his sexual environment, to feel that these people were having sex for HIM to watch, and to feel less lonely and unattractive. finding out that he is a PA has been incredibly taxing for him mentally, as he feels like a scumbag hypocrite because morally, he has always disagreed with P and the industry, and he prides himself on respecting and not objectifying women. while some of that is fair, i worry that instead of urging himself to change, it is causing his already low self-esteem to plummet - and this is exactly how people relapse. i worry that his self-hate for this PA and for the pain that he has caused me will bring him down further, and i don't know how to combat that. i tell him every day that i love him, and know we can beat this... i am still hurt but it is getting easier. he has an anxiety/stress workbook which he has started but i worry that his self esteem will continue to be crippled. if anyone has advice on how to help him, please let me know. i actively engage him in conversations about the things i like about him, try to make him see himself from my eyes - but usually it's to no avail.

anyway, it's been 2 weeks today, with no slip ups on his part. we were away until a couple of days ago, with no alone time or solo internet access - but now we're home. we installed accountability software and also k9 which was difficult but makes me feel a bit at ease. he has access to a computer all day at work though, where he is alone usually in a shop - and though i KNOW for sure he would never watch P at work, i worry that something will catch his eye and he will zone out. like last time. i am trying to not doubt him and remember that he is now so aware, so vigilant - and before he had no idea the control this thing had over his mind, or how important it was that he stop it.

we are moving in together next month, which i think will be good for us - we never spend time in his apartment, always mine, and i think that has allowed him to keep his mindset static to the time when he was single living there... as the apartment is pretty much separate from our relationship. because we are both committed to fixing this, living together will allow us to create OUR home. he said he could never even imagine looking at P or MBing in my apartment when i wasn't there, and i think living together will help that.

when i came home i was unbelievably stressed. i am a full time student, who works 3 days a week and has 2 cats - while i was away, my older cat lost a lot of weight, my workplace has gone to shit, and i have fallen behind on all of my school work. i had a bit of a breakdown on sunday, but today i quit my job (i've been there for years, and it was a long time coming), made an appointment for the vet for tomorrow, and am working on catching up for school. it's crazy dealing with this PA on top of everything else in my busy busy life. obviously i feel that the PA is the most important issue right now, but i need to find out how to balance that and learn how to not let it take over my life.

DEEP BREATH. i am lucky. i found the man of my dreams, and once this PA is over (at least controlled) he will again be perfect. we are perfect for each other and being with him is so worth this struggle. i am lucky that he realizes that this is a problem, and wants to fix it not only for me but for himself. to be a better person.

i really want to thank every single person that posts on here. the second i found this site, i felt a million times better... and coming on here every day has eased a lot of pain.

[Twentythree]

I just read this article:

Was the Cowardly Lion Just Masturbating Too Much? | Psychology Today

and i feel a bit better. as long as we can get through this, he's going to be so much better off! in every aspect of his life... This part is dead on:

Introverts, and those who didn't develop healthy bonds as infants, may be particularly at risk for social anxiety due to frequent masturbation. Isolation lets them control their exposure to awkward and unsatisfying interractions. Reaching for the escape of masturbation (or other stimuli) can then become a substitute for socialy acquired self-knowledge and emotional regulation. As one man said about social anxiety:

Social isolation and porn reinforce each other. That is, being isolated leads to seeking escape and gratification by oneself, which can mean porn addiction, which lowers self esteem and confidence, which makes one more socially anxious...and so on.

i just have to take this one day at a time. there's no way any of this can be solved over night.

[Twentythree]

the past few days have been hard. i found out my cat has diabetes, which not only is expensive and upsetting, but requires an intense commitment in daily treatment. these stresses on top of the PA stuff, as well as the fact that i just quit my job, have four papers to write before the end of term, and am moving in 3 weeks... i am incredibly worn thin.

my PA is going on a trip tomorrow for a week. the timing is rough, as i could really use the help taking care of my cat and myself for that matter, but i know he needs to go and hopefully he will not be faced with any struggles while he's away. there won't be much opportunity for him to slip up anyway, even though i know he's doing well and know he won't...

the other day, i went down on him and he produced hardly any semen. pretty frustrating, because he swears up and down he didn't MB, and i actually believe him. i know there can be a range of amounts, but he's been totally consistent until this one time... but i think he knows better to lie to me right now, and we've been together a lot lately, unless one of us is at work or school.

i just feel so exhausted by everything. i feel completely useless and like i have no control over anything anymore, the PA problem included.

[jrock123]

Hi Twentythree - welcome to this site and thanks for a great first post! I am a PA who has been clean for almost 90 days and I guarantee I will never go back. It is difficult to tell what your husband is doing. He could be lying or he recently MB'd or overall, he is MB'ing a lot. Also, if you are making love 5-6x/week, that would be a good reason not to have much semen left. I will say this. As a PA, I lost count of the number of lies I told to my wife. I used every excuse in the book to be alone so I could view P and MB. and when she asked if I was "being good" since I'd been caught before, I said "of course". if you read journals of SO's on this site, you will find lie after lie after lie being told by PA's to their wives/girlfriends. Once someone becomes addicted, they have lost control and can no longer choose to not look at porn. so everything is excusable if it gets them to P. I am not making excuses for him. I am simply saying that if you think he is continually looking at porn, it may not be easy for him to quit. when I was heavy into P, my wife and I had sex like twice during
a 3 year span. since your sex life seems to be very healthy, it would be hard to imagine he is addicted to P. what are his eyes doing during the act. are they open and do you see love in his eyes? the same love as when you first started dating? are his eyes closed? has anything changed at all during sex compared to when you first met? I think you need more data.

[Twentythree]

Hey, thanks for the reply! I totally see what you're saying. i've read through a lot of the journals on this site, and they're all quite different, and i think we're fortunate enough to have caught on to this thing before it became as ugly an addiction as it has been for some. Though he is definitely a PA, P was never a huge deal in the way it is to some on this site for him. By that i mean he would go a couple days without watching it, no problem. Because i was his first relationship, there was never a reason for him to stop until we started getting serious.... and before we realized he had a PA, we'd talked about the issue and he legitimately had no idea that he was addicted as he had never tried to stop before, thus promised to cut it out and said it wasn't a big deal. then i found out that he had looked at P once during that 2 months, but caught himself and realized that he had zoned out and ended up there subconsciously, and so he did not MB. he came completely clean about everything when I confronted him... and that is why i believe him. i told him that i doubted i could ever trust him again, and he begged me to help him through this, so here we are. i told him that the only way i could begin to trust him is if he told me EVERYTHING and was completely honest and open about everything. it has been incredibly hard for him, but he has definitely done that so far.

When we make love i see it in his eyes. He doesn't close them, he looks at me and tells me he loves me and is 100% present. His addiction is more a subconscious addiction to the imagery and the act of looking at P and less of MBing, though that too became a comfortable release for the stresses and anxiety that he faces. But i really do know that he is telling the truth on this one. aside from being at work, we've been together basically 24/7 and i know for a fact his anxiety issues would NEVER allow him to look at P at work (he works at a bike shop, and the computer is out on the floor). so, i just thought it was strange, and a bit of a test for us both...

since we started dating we've been having sex about 5 times a week, give or take. this whole mess has decreased it a bit, so he should technically have more semen, not less? part of it, i think, was that he came really quickly - and length of arousal can determine that, as well as stress, dehydration, etc etc....

i will say that in his defense, he is extremely committed to this. he writes in his journal every day, visits TTF and posts occasionally, has set up k9 and an accountability software, and tells me relevant information pertaining to this at the end of every day. that, along with the degree his PA had been controlling his life (a lot less than many), is why i believe him.

but yes, it's true, only time will tell if he's being completely honest. we've got everything we need to beat this, and he hates the part of himself that is addicted to PA so much. he wants it gone. i want it gone. sooner or later, it'll be history!

[jrock123]

well i certainly hope this is nothing and blows over. I saying I had at least 3 interactions with my wife over the last 10 years where I lied and she went off thinking it's not a big deal. I understand you want to believe him and I hope you are right. for your sake, I think you should be in the "trust but verify" mindset for awhile. If someone is truly a PA, they can't just walk away. Its not that simple. Again, I really hope the best for you.

jrock

[Twentythree]

Thanks, you're totally right. As for this one there's really no way to verify it, but everything else I have been doing that for. In fact i've been really doubtful in some cases and I'm trying to learn to trust again. This can only happenthrough him building it back up, being honest and proving to me I can trust him. It's frustrating when all of these measures are put into place (filters, accountability software, etc) really do nothing in the grand scheme of things. But that's the reality; if he doesn't want to quit, he will find a way and none of that stuff will stop him. I'm just trying to be positive because I've been negative for so long.

[Twentythree]

today sucks. i thought i was done being angry and really hurt - turns out i'm not. he's away and not only am i worried like hell that he's not telling me the whole stories ("today's been good, i'm fine today" is really not enough to put my mind to rest), i feel mad again. mad that my whole life has changed because of his, and mad that i can't just go about my day without something reminding me, something putting the image of him alone at his computer looking at P and then hanging out with me that evening, etc. it makes me sick to my stomach.

i KNOW full well that dwelling on this stuff does no good. obviously i can't change what happened, and i do want to stick with him, so at some point i have to get over it. but i just can't stop feeling used, betrayed, and low. i just want to go back to the way things were, before all of this crept in and encompassed every part of my life.

i can't concentrate on school, my cat is still really sick, my house is a mess, i haven't had time to cook for myself so i've been eating crappy food, and i have no clean laundry and no time to do it. i feel like i am falling apart, again, after starting to feel a bit better.

i wish i knew how to control that anger/resentment when it pops into my head. but i feel like it's not over - this is obviously not fixed yet, and while so far he says its been easy for him to make these changes, it's not easy for me. none of this is easy for me. we can't even talk about anything because he's in another country and calls when he has a spare five minutes. this is all so frustrating.

[jrock123]

hmmm - you are a new member and I am just getting to know you.... I can see why your situation could take you on emotional swings - you seemed adamant the other day about hoping for the best and now you feel anger. the only advice I can give is that you need to stay extremely busy until he returns to minimize how much your mind wanders. I certainly still agree with the trust and verify, but if you do not have much data on his addiction (and I don't think you do), then I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt. If he is only looking at it every couple weeks, that is not really an addiction. I don't see how he could be a porn addict if the two of you are making love 5-6x/week. excessive P and MB generally makes someone not appreciate their lover as much and to not be turned on as much. a PA doesn't look at their SO the same, they have trouble having orgasms, etc. on top of it, you say he is looking into your eyes and you know he is totally into you (figuratively) when you make love. I am absolutely not an expert and I can only speak from my own perspective. I think you owe him a chance and the benefit of the doubt. i think you owe this to yourself.

jrock

[Twentythree]

i think an addiction is something that you are compelled to do, and feel the need to do even when you (rationally) don't need it. in that sense he is definitely an addict, and though there are varying degrees of addiction: his subconscious mind takes control of his body and makes him do something that he does not want to be doing (except for maybe in the moment).

anyway, it's not really helpful to get hung up on semantics. i don't want to be angry at him - and i honestly thought after about a week that i was done being angry. he hasn't screwed up so far, and that's good, but he hasn't earned my trust back either.

the sex 5-6 times a week is an estimate. sometimes less, for sure. but the important thing to get out of that is that he felt the need to look at P and MB when he was having sex so often - a pretty clear sign that his dopamine levels/pleasure receptors are totally out of whack. i think MB and P turned into a release for his anxiety which he never even remotely dealt with in a real way until this year. so, it's maybe more complicated (and maybe less daunting) than some addictions, but an addiction nonetheless.

the problem has been the past few days that i'm TOO busy - working, school, writing papers, taking care of a very sick cat ALL DAY every day. and instead of being distracted i'm just bummed out, because there is nothing really good in my life right now to counteract all this.

also: i'm in no way giving up. i am still just as committed to fixing this, and to him. i'm just having a harder time with him away than i thought i would.