My story

[hopefulwife]

This is my first journal entry so it may be a little long.
I already wrote this but something happened and it didnt work i guess i got logged out and it disapeared so i will sum-up insted of write out all the details.
I never had a problem with the P in the begining. I was very open minded and let him look.
Things changed and I was ignored. So then I had a problem. I made a rule after it was clear that my not liking the changes wasnt doing anything. My rule was ME FIRST. I was always there for him if he wanted me but I wasnt wanted I was regected.
Then he started to hide it and wait untill I was out of the house or napping or sleeping. I stoppped sleeping but for a few hours a night when he was snoring but that didnt stop it. NOTHING EVER DID. As far as I can tell he has not gone longer then a month and it might be even shorter than that.
We went back and forth with this dance of lies and revelations of pain and hope of dispare and love. Our feet never found any rest. This became my life. thoughts of him betraying my trust consumed me. I smashed his dvds and distroyed his toys. I told him no more P ever he broke the one rule for the hundreth time.
Still even after that it continued.
It is very much like cheating. He was spending his time with it. He was giving it energy= physical and emotional and he was getting his off with it not with me. No words can discribe how all of this made me feel. I guess in one word the word that comes the closest is despare.
It has come so close to taking away all the love i feel for him. so close to distroying our marrage.

It has been about what he wants now here is my list.

I want this to end
I want him to understend how it makes me feel
I want him to tell me how he feels
I want him to want me
I want my husband back

[Crisodian]

hopefulwife,
Welcome to TTF. Your story is so similar to so many of ours here. My heart goes out to you. A suggestion for you...

Something you may consider trying, if you haven't already, is writing a letter to your husband putting in writing how this makes you feel, what his P use has done to you and your relationship and lay down the ground rules for what you expect from him. If you do not want P in your lives, then tell him...bluntly and honestly.

The broken trust that comes along with PA is one of the hardest things to overcome. Especially when it has been happening for years. And you are right...for so many of us, P = cheating. Just because our husbands live in their fantasy world of P use and think because it's "just" pictures and movies, doesn't mean it hurts us any less.

I hope you will continue to share your jounrey here. You will find support from the many SOs who know and understand exactly how you are feeling. You are definitely not alone.

Peace,
~C~

[Life-lies-trust]

Hopefulwife welcome to this forum. I'm glad to meet you. We all wish we were in different world at this point. Take care of yourself and give yourself a hug.

[hopefulwife]

Thank you. I got teary eyed knowing someone understands. I have writen many letters over the years mostly because this issue has been so hard to bring up and talk about. I still dont thing he understands how I feel. He has admitted he has a problem but I think he has gone back to denial. Is that possable? It seems so strange...

This time he has been without P for about a week. Things have been better in bed untill last night. Im worried. I think he is back at it. AGAIN. Last time he stopped he promised me he was done. It was the first reassurance that I have gotten through all of this. I also made a promise. I think it might have been a foolish one. I promised that if he did it again I would leave. He needs help and I have tried to help him but just like everythimg else Im not enough.

[Life-lies-trust]

hopefulwife,
I have come the the understanding that I can not get my PA through this. He has to have outside help that is not involved in the relationship. Thankfully he asked to find a counselor. He see the counselor every week and I also gave him a notebook to start writing down everything he though about. Unless he gives me the notebook I do not read his writing. This for me has been a hard reliazation.

I do understand your mood and can you carry out your promise to leave. This is also difficalt for me too. Before we got married I promised that if I found out he had an affair I would throw him out. This was not a real person but how do I come to terms with myself has be looking at also finding someone to talk too.

HUGS

[hopefulwife]

I dont think I could leave. Not unless it got much worse. We have a little girl that is everything to me. I dont want her to have to visit her daddy only on the weekends and deal with all the arguments and bitterness. Maybe I could go to my moms for a week or something.

I had my hubby read a bit about how his P addiction is selfish and how it has the same effect on a relationship as cheating and I also told him very bluntly how i feel about it. I told him its cheating the only dif is no warm body. Its amost worse that way. He didnt chose another person he chose something empty over me. Made me feel less than human. I told him how I feel. he says hes not as bad as everyone else. Its denial. He was one year ago using P and MB for several hours every day. We talk and we talk I get not one statement about how he feels. He was completely uneffected. there was no emotional responce. What is that all about?
I realised I want something from him. I want him to be honest with me. I want him to show me what is going on in his head. I have no idea how he stands with all of this. all I know is he thinks its not even close to cheating and he has no idea how i feel. I tell him but Its like he is refusing to hear me. I thought we had gotten past this and he wanted help and he admitted he had a problem. Why the change? how can you just forget like this?:((this sucks.

[hopefulwife]

I am sad and angry today. I was doing so well with keeping my spirits up. :-< I guess I will have to try harder. It just doesnt seem like he is trying to get help. As far as I can tell he has been good but I am still angry. I am trying not to snap at him but I dont feel like being cuddly and I dont want hugs and I dont want to be touched. It frustrating because I dont want to tell him this today. I dont want to hurt his feelings.~X(

[hopefulwife]

Been posting a lot today. I know why I am mad. Sometimes it takes awile for me to figure out. Its like my subcosience is much smarter and figures it out sooner.
Im mad because He doesnt want help. If he doesnt want help then he isnt ready to stop. If he isnt ready to stop than he will fail. I have no power over his actions and I am just realizing this. I thought if he loved me enough and if I pushed and cried and tried that I could make him stop. Now that I have no plan and no way to fix this. Im lost. How could I have forgoten that I can only control how I react to life not life its self. I was blinding my self. I didnt wat to see. He is the only one who can change it. The only question is am I strong enough to stand by and let him get to the point that he will realize he needs help. I better find that strength for our daughter's sake for my husband's sake and for my own. But its hard. I feel so very small:((

[Life-lies-trust]

Hopefulwife HERE is a BIG HUG for you.

You can not force him to get help with this addiction imho. He has to want help. This addiction is about cheating, lieing, and secrets. The result is the SO's feel like we are trash or a object that the PA throw us some interaction once and awhile. You are going to have to take care of yourself and your little girl. Have you tried to ask your Husband how would he feel if his little girl saw what he was looking at?

This is very hard I have been dealing with one lie after another for the last 2 months. Then have to tell him IMHO he is lieing again. This is an emotional roller coaster for everyone.

I feel for you and understand your outlook and why you make the choices that you do.

[hopefulwife]

This is so hard. I am bitting my tounge and not yelling at him for no reason. Im just mad. Waiting for it to happen again because he thinks he was never as bad as the others here but he was. He used to do it for 5 hours or more a night, not that bad for a year but still doing it and hiding it on and off. I almost want him to slip again so he will realize that he needs help. I feel realy bad for saying that but my guilt for that thought wont make it any less true.