Miki's Journal

[Miki]

My first attempt at a journal on this site was pretty pathetic.

As I read back on my previous journal I see how it was just one more way to try and feel in control of “the situation”, of thinking that if I work on “his problem”, my problems would go away. This is my new journal, one dedicated to a struggle with codependency. There is so much more that I want for my life. I want to be healthy, a good friend, someone who makes a contribution to the world and makes their own decisions; and someday, I want to adopt a child who needs a home. I can’t do that until I find a way to recover from codependency and work on my own addictions and obsessions.

Thus far, my instinct and beliefs have been working against me. My hope is that in this journal I may be able to sort out healthy instincts and beliefs from unhealthy ones. I am making a commitment to write in this journal daily- a place for me to be honest with myself.

To begin- I am the significant other of a PA who has historically had a problem with an illegal form of P. I have not mentioned it on this site before because I know that discussion of that type is not allowed here. To the best of my knowledge he has not used that type of P in years and that is the last time that I am going to mention it. Nevertheless, I feel that omitting that fact is somehow colluding with him; I have so much guilt and shame surrounding that issue and I needed to admit it somewhere. I am even afraid to admit it in my own S-Anon group.

…and that is the last time that I am going to mention my PA in this journal. I have things to work on that have nothing to do with him. My father was also a MB addict and an alcoholic. I’ve lived my whole life as a codependent and now I am an alcoholic myself. I have never admitted that to anyone before and I feel like I’m living a double life. I am tired of lying and I am tired of using my PA’s struggles as an excuse for me to drink and of using my childhood as a means of staying a victim and not taking responsibility.

[Miki]

Today, I am not in sobriety from codependency. I am struggling with jealousy and not communicating maturely. On the other hand, I am trying to pick myself up and keep moving forward- and "stretch my mind." I realize that I become so obsessed with my problems and the problems of other people that I don't even know what is going on in the rest of the world. My goal today is to learn something new from someone.

[little_wife]

Hi Miki! I'm so glad you found your way back. I'd rather wondered where you'd gone. Sounds like you're having a rather difficult time and are being really quite hard on yourself. You're allowed not to be perfect. You have some very big problems to overcome, and as a human you're going to be human while dealing with them, if anything being kind and gentle with yourself is only going to help. Also, if it helps in recovery, you're allowed to mention anything as much and as often as necessary to get better. Please use this journal in whatever way will help you.
For now big hugs, and again, I'm glad to see you back.

[Miki]

Thank you for your kind words Little Wife.

My thought for the day:
I have scrutinized my body my entire life. Oddly enough, these days I find that when I look in the mirror I really like what I see. Initially, mentally comparing myself with the images in P contributed to a very poor body image. But now, a year and a half into a relationship where I have full knowledge that P is a factor, for some reason I'm not feeling the desire to compare myself anymore. I wonder if it will last...

[Life-lies-trust]

Miki
Thank you for the insight of a year and 1/2 out into recovery.

[Miki]

Sadly, not a year and a half into recovery, just the relationship.

Nonetheless, I am doing quite well today. I have been playing around with the idea of what my life would be like if I was not in a relationship for the rest of my life. Its not that I think that is what I want, but entertaining the thought was surprisingly freeing. Its making me think about all the things I would do if I didn't have to "take care" of someone else and is challenging me to make those changes anyway.