New to the Site

[WhereToStart]

Hi...I am new to this site...and I am not exactly sure this is the right place for me. I have been dating my partner for 3 years...and we are mostly really happy, but we have had sx as an issue for most of our relationship. I have gone back and forth from thinking that we just have different sx drives, to that he is gay, to that we just don't mesh well in that area. Sometimes I think I just over analyze. We are intimate semi-regualrly, its just that we are young enough that is feels like too little, and I ALWAYS have to initiate. If I don't, it would never happen. Like three months into our relationship, p became a BIG issue. I found him using my computer for it (his was broken) and I got really upset, but it was like he couldn't stop. We fought about it and our relationship became really unhealthy (with me constantly trying to catch him and limited trust). I have only found female p. I wonder if this is what has been the cause of the problem? Now he has his own computer, and I mostly respect his privacy, afraid that if I make it an issue, it will just turn into a series of lies from him and constant obessing about his potential lies from me. Recently, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes...but now I am a bit hesitant. I love him very much, and outside of this, we have no problems...but this is a BIG problem..and I am not sure what to do, or if this sounds like it could be PA? He and I have talked about it. He agrees that his use of p has damaged our realtionship, but he also agrees that censoring it might also damage our relationship because he doesn't know if he can immediately stop, and it would turn into lying. (he hasn't said that but when I bring it up, he doesn't deny it...). He is not open to counseling...I am not sure what to do. Does this sound like PA?

[Crisodian]

WTS -
Welcome to TTF. I am the wife of a PA who was a PA before we got married. However, I didn't know. I made the discovery of his P use years ago, and last year had to draw a line in the sand on whether or not I was leaving our marriage with our children if he couldn't stop using P.

Let me share the following with you:

1. If P is a problem for you, then it's a problem in your relationship. If you have told him your opinions on P and he doesn't want to stop, or continues to hide his P use, then it is a problem.

2. Lying is a big problem. You want your relationship to be built on trust and honesty, especially as you are considering marriage. Broken trust and the challenges that come with it, are very damaging. Some of the SOs here have been lied to for many, many years as a result of PA. Many of us find that is the hardest thing to overcome when it comes down to dealing with PA.

3. From what you have shared, he sounds like a PA. The lying, the sneaking, the inability to stop looking even though you have told him this is a problem for you, the rationalizations he is trying to use that "he doesn't know if he can immediately stop"...I would say, in my opinion, this sounds very much like the PA pattern of behavior. However, please keep in mind that this is my opinion based on what you shared.

4. If I had known about my husband's PA before we were married, the first thing I would have done is educate myself. Learn about PA, the effects is has not only on the addict but the partner/spouse in the relationship. It seems that you have already started that process by coming here. :)

5. There are lots of useful resources out there, including TTF. There are some very good books also written on the subject of PA, which even include information on how to confront someone you feel is a PA.

Unfortunately, only you can decide if you want to marry your BF, especially if you already know there is the secrecy of P in your relationship. Only your BF can admit he has a problem with P and seek help. Sadly, as with any addict, P addicts have to admit their own addictions and seek help for themselves. As their partners, we can't force them to admit a problem or to seek help. If he is not willing to admit a problem, or seek help, then you have a real challenge on your hands.

I hope both of you find a path to peace and healing,
~C~

[WhereToStart]

Crisodian:

I would like to thank you for your response. I appreciate your advice and insights, as someone who has experience navigating PA and its issues. I would love any advice about methods that have worked for you, or anyone else, including your SO's. Do you have any systems for navigating this? Do you talk about triggers and such?

I have had a sit down talk with my partner. I attempted to speak with him about the p saying that I understood that it could be hard to not use it, and I am trying to encourage him to keep a journal and keep track of his triggers. I used the window of him admitting to the p was impacting our relationship and the use of p lessening the frequency of intimacy. I told him I want him to just be honest with himself and with me, and whatever happens, we will figure this out together, but that I am uncomfortable marrying him until we get to the bottom of our sx issues. I told him that if it was the p, we needed to deal with it, but if not, and we just aren't compatible in that way, then we need to address that, and accept that we might not be right for each other.

Truthfully, I really feel that it is the P. When I first discovered his use of it, I could see that it increased a LOT and that coincided with a lessening of intimacy, but I think that being really dogmatic about this might be counter productive. Does anyone have any advice here? To me it seems that giving an ultimatum would make me feel defensive instead of introspective like I would have to be in order to work on this. I also feel, though, that I shouldn't really be a part of the process here. I mean, won't that create a dynamic of me trying to 'catch' him in such a way that it would REALLY damage my ability to trust him? But he doesn't want to see a counselor...so I am not sure how I could be out of it...

Anyway, I would appreciate any advice or insight anyone has to offer.

Thank you for the support Crisodian!!

[Crisodian]

Do you have any systems for navigating this? Do you talk about triggers and such?

To be completely honest, most days we just stumble through.
Some days everything works and other days? I still emotionally puke all over my H. LOL It's learning as we go for the most part. Ok. back to the topic at hand...

When I discovered my H's PA, I immeditely started learning about P addiction. I ordered books. I went on an all out hunt on the Internet and stumbled accross a journal of a married PA here on TTF. I joined and read for days.Then I gave him the link.

We now work very hard on open communication. Yes. We talk about his triggers, his urges, what helps and what doesn't. We talk about his successes and the days he struggles. We have open, some days very emotional conversations. But, keep in mind, that is what works for us. Not all men are as open about their addictions as my H. Some men really don't like to open up at all, in my experience, and the more you press them, the more they shut down. Something to think about as you decide on how to proceed. :)

Truthfully, I really feel that it is the P. When I first discovered his use of it, I could see that it increased a LOT and that coincided with a lessening of intimacy, but I think that being really dogmatic about this might be counter productive. Does anyone have any advice here?

I can speak from experience when I say that increase in P use typically equals less "real" intimacy between partners. When my H was deep in the throws of his addiction, we had very little intimate contact. I couldn't understand why back then. And when intimacy came up, I always had to initiate. From what you are sharing, I would offer that it probably is the P causing your intimacy issues.

To me it seems that giving an ultimatum would make me feel defensive instead of introspective like I would have to be in order to work on this.

I think it greatly depends on what you want. Let me share my opinion...

Giving an ultimatum is one way to handle addressing the P...but..a.) you have to be willing and able to stand by that ultimatum and b.) it may not have the outcome you desire. When I gave my H an ultimatim, I was willing, able, and ready to make good on taking our children out of our home and leaving him here with his P. If he had chose P, I would have had to make good on that ultimatum. I had to be mentally, physically and financially ready to do that. If you decide to use an ultimatum, make sure it is one you can live with if you have to make good. Does that make sense?

I also feel, though, that I shouldn't really be a part of the process here. I mean, won't that create a dynamic of me trying to 'catch' him in such a way that it would REALLY damage my ability to trust him? But he doesn't want to see a counselor...so I am not sure how I could be out of it...

You make a very good point here. Addiction recovery is about the addict. He must choose recovery. He must find his way to healing. You should not have to be his mommy or his baby sitter. Now, that being said, there is a way for couples to find a balance to work together on recovery. The couple has to lay the groundwork...what are your expectations? what are his? what will you accept, (for example, if he relapses do you want him to tell you and if so, how soon)? what will your roll be? what are you willing to commit to doing to help him with recovery?

Recovery can be handled as a couple. But, at the end of the day, he has to make the decision to accept his addiction and seek recovery. You can't do that for him

Sorry this rambled a bit. :) I hope it makes sense.

Peace,
~C~

[artguy34]

I used the window of him admitting to the p was impacting our relationship and the use of p lessening the frequency of intimacy. I told him I want him to just be honest with himself and with me, and whatever happens, we will figure this out together, but that I am uncomfortable marrying him until we get to the bottom of our sx issues. I told him that if it was the p, we needed to deal with it, but if not, and we just aren't compatible in that way, then we need to address that, and accept that we might not be right for each other...

...Truthfully, I really feel that it is the P. When I first discovered his use of it, I could see that it increased a LOT and that coincided with a lessening of intimacy, but I think that being really dogmatic about this might be counter productive. Does anyone have any advice here?...

Hello WTS,

I am Crisodian's husband and I can say that she is correct in her posts here. I would also like to share my opinion that you are correct that your BF addiction is the root cause of your lack of intimacy.

PA can ruin many things for intimacy for many reasons. The fiction of P is alluring because it promises you something that most men know they are never going to experience. The outcome of chronic P use is that we become accustomed to what P offers and begin to neglect and make excuses for not wanting the "real thing". For many men, PA creates a huge lack of self-esteem and we begin to make excuses to justify our use. In addition, many of us begin to desire unhealthy porn s3x instead of nurturing, loving, healthy s3x life.

For instance, I use to tell myself that my wife wasn't interested because of X, Y, Z, reasons. This established an excuse in my brain to justify using P & MB thinking that "Well Im not cheating with anyone so it's ok". But the truth is... it is NOT ok. And to my wife, it WAS cheating.

I had to learn the hard way that my years of PA was ruining my life and the lives of the people I love the most. You and your BF have a chance right now to correct that together, and possibly begin a life together clean and free of PA. As long as your BF truly wishes to choose a healthy life over PA.

[little_wife]

Welcome wheretostart >:D<
I'm sorry you had to come to us like this, but am glad you found us. I am going to give you advice that I wish someone had given me many years back. If your boyfriend is already doing this, and doesn't seem totally committed to change, think long and hard before making a lifelong commitment. Then again, I think everyone considering marriage should never take it lightly. Good luck to you, and keep coming back. :)