Letting Go

[Enid]

So, I've posted a few things on here before with helpful results so I'm hoping to somewhat vent as well as get any feedback that you have to give.

My boyfriend just recently admitted to himself that he is a PA. We've been dealing with it for a couple months in our relationship. He just started going to a support group, and I'm extremely proud of him for this! Although he's attending meetings, has joined TTF and has been reading up on PA; he admitted to me the other day that he is still looking at it.

As far as my feelings go - I'm not even sure where to begin. It's getting to the point that I don't even like watching TV or movies with him or looking at music videos or hanging out with people that are attractive when I'm with him. From what I understand about all this is that it's obviously visually based and I'm afraid that the images he sees on TV or wherever are a turn on for him. I'm scared that when he approaches me to be intimate that it's not due to him really wanting me - but that he just saw something that turned him on. Also, I don't like that while we are being intimate that he's most likely running those images through his head. I've asked him about that and he says, "No, when I'm with you, it's just the two of us." I just don't believe him though.

He stays at my apartment about four nights a week and then the rest of the time he's at his place. I'm absolutely terrified every time he leaves to go home. Knowing that he's still looking at it drives me mad with fear that he's going to go home and not even try to control himself. I feel so disconnected from him when he's away. It's like he leaves and goes to a totally different world where he has a million other girlfriends that I can't even begin to compete with.

I hate asking him how he's doing with everything, but if I don't he never brings it up. I hate being left in the dark. I feel completely betrayed and disgusted with him. This whole thing is just eating me alive. I believe he's made a big step by going to the meetings, but the fact that he's still looking at it makes me feel like it won't go anywhere. Actually the other day he said that one of the suggestions from the meetings is to give the program at least six weeks before you make a committment just to be certain that it's for you. I'm thinking, "Great, that gives him permission to continue looking at P for another six weeks."

I've never ever been a jealous girlfriend...in fact...I appreciate the beauty in other women. But this whole thing has been reeling with jealousy and insecurities. I mean really, he's getting off to other women on a regular basis. How does a sane woman not go crazy??

I want to support him so bad, but I just don't know how. I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I love him very much but with every worry filled day that passes I start to think about how I can't continue this. I know this is going to take time for him and I suppose my flaw is that I expect things to happen too quickly. But I just don't know how to deal with it in the interim. His whole personality is slow moving...he just doesn't act quickly on things and I feel like we're running out of time.

And then I am constantly worrying about our future. I'm assuming for most this isn't something that goes away forever. He really does risk the chance of relapsing. I don't feel like I'm strong enough to do that...especially if we have a family. I'm just so scared for him and for us - I'm so lost right now.

[Crisodian]

Enid,
I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. :(

*hugs*

Have you shared with your BF exactly what you shared here? I guess what I am asking is that, especially if he is still using, have you told him directly how P makes you feel ...what it makes you think about...when you are together?

There has been great success with confronting PA with a letter written by the SO detailing out how PA makes them feel. (Unfortunately, I was the crazed spouse who did a lot of yelling instead of typing a letter...LOL ...) I can't speak from personal experience, but there are many PA/SO couples on here who can vouch for the letter approach. Maybe by writing to your PA, instead of confronting him directly, will help you "vocalize" what he needs to hear ... how his PA is affecting you and affecting your relationship with him.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Enid]

Thanks Crisodian. Yes, we have sat and talked about it alot. He always remains very quiet and reflective when we discuss it. Nothing really ever gets resolved and no commitments are made (such as how I can help him through this). He offers nothing really. I think that's what bothers me the most...his reserved nature when it comes to this. Generally he is extremely outspoken and full of life, but when it comes to discussing his PA he clams up. And I don't know how much to pry. He knows exactly how I feel and how much it hurts - that is very clear to him.

The letter is a good idea though. Maybe I will try that...at least it would feel good to get those feelings out.

Thank you again. :)

[Crisodian]

You're welcome. There are actually a few members here who have shared the letters they recieved from their SOs. (I apologize for not attaching direct links, but I can't recall exactly whom and where the letters are. : / )

I hope you find success in sharing with your BF how all this makes you feel and will let us know how things work out!

Peace,
~C~