Wifeofchewy Journal (I know, how original)

[wifeofchewy]

Hello,
I am Chewy's wife, hence my screen name. My husband has already introduced himself briefly, and now I am going to introduce myself not so briefly. I wrote all of this already in the new member thread, so disregard if you've already read this. Writing is a way for me to think through things, and relieve stress... so pardon my stress relieving below :)

I joined this site because someone my husband goes to a support group with at our church, suggested this might be a good site for us to try out. He said it has been a good outlet for his wife, so I'm going to give it a whirl. By the way, hi other wife. You know who you are. LOL

My husband has struggled with PA/SA for a long time. Although we just had a somewhat loud discussion on how he doesn't think he's a SA, only a PA. Pfffft. How's that supposed to make me feel then because he cheated on me a couple of months before we got married. It was "opportunity" so he said. I'm thinking of all the opportunities that arise daily for him and it's left me sitting here crying now. He's across the room silent, with no answers as usual.

There is no doubt in my mind that he is a PA. I didn't realize to what extent until after we were married. I was always the cool girlfriend that liked to watch P with my boyfriends. Heck, I enjoyed it too. But it got way out of hand with him though, and I told him I wasn't ok with it anymore. Somehow I always felt dirty when I watched it with him. He of course brought up the fact that I was fine with it before.... but things had been twisted along the way, and I was no longer comfortable with it. He said he'd stop, but he didn't. Several times I caught him MB, or looking at P and it really upset me because I was very clear on what I expected. I found old emails, fake profiles, chats... all of which he lied about. I confronted him, and he still lied... or partially lied, leaving out a lot of truths. I thought I had found out "everything", several times... only to find out more and more. Each time, I would feel even more like it must be my fault. I'm no size 4, that's for sure. I know now that it isn't my fault, but I still struggle with extreme self esteem issues. I've always had self esteem issues, but it is magnified times 1,000 now. I know deep down inside that no matter how much weight I lost, or if I put my make up on every day and shaved my legs all the time... that he would still struggle with P or at least the urge. I know I can never be what those images are in his head. He definately can't say that I lack enthusiasm or a spark in the bedroom. I always try to go above and beyond so he is satisfied and won't want P. But it's still not enough. I've even done things that I really didn't want to do or weren't comfortable with, to try and keep him from cheating or wanting someone else. I've failed at that as well. He has been sober now 41 days I believe. This is the third go at him really trying anyway. The last time he made it to right at 90 days and then relapsed. The time before he made it like 8 months I believe and relapsed, although I'm not 100% on that. I made him take a survey online to see if he had a SA. This was about 2 years ago now I guess. I didn't hover over him while he took it or anything, I was just trying to show him that there is more there than just the typical "male hormones". I had suspected he had an addiction because it just seemed to be out of his control. But I couldn't make him get help. I told him he needed to, and he agreed... but he still didn't do it. I knew I couldn't force any of this upon him, but I also knew I couldn't continue to live like this with him if he wasn't willing to change. He always said how sorry he was, and would even cry and plead with me.... but honestly nothing he said meant anything to me because I knew if he didn't get help, it was going to happen again and again. So he finally got his act together and decided to get some help. We went to a christian counselor together for the first time for him to check it out, and then he began driving about 40 mins away weekly and they even began having a SA group that he attended, although it all cost money. I don't think he got exactly what he needed out of it, but it helped him anyway and gave me some peace of mind.

We decided to look for a new church because we knew that God had to be in the center of this or else we'd both fail miserably. We found a new church and found that they coincidentally had a Celebrate Recovery program and SA 12 step group that was FREE and right down the street from our house. I felt like we struck gold. It was then that he really really showed that he wanted to change and do better and make things right between us. That was about 5 months ago now, with 1 relapse in between. I've come to learn so much about his addiction... maybe more than I really wanted to know. But it's been enlightening. I know we are early on into this yet again...but I have to have faith that he is doing his best to succeed. I don't doubt that he loves me and our children, I don't doubt that he wants to do better and be a better person, I don't doubt that he doesn't want P in his life or more importantly in his mind. I'm just afraid that P is bigger than all of the above and we're going to keep going down this road. I've tried to be the best supportive wife I can be by not judging him, ridiculing him, degrading him or throwing things in his face... but I do fail on some of that when I'm having a bad moment/hour/day. I really do feel like my life is a roller coaster and I'm not sure which way it will twist and turn next, when everything will be upside down again, or even when the ride will be over for that matter. I only know that God is bigger than P. So even if P is bigger than all of the above... I still have something amazingly wonderful on my side.

We're getting ready to celebrate our 3rd anniversary. I'm hoping we can sort of start over again. I'm doing my best to try and trust him more, even though that trust been lost several times. I'm doing my best to try and support him and encourage him more, and not be so paranoid of where he is or what he's doing or who he's talking to. I know that he doesn't need that. But I'm not gonna lie, it's a daily struggle for me as a SO. I'm right here with him and his view of giving up on P: "It's something I really want to do, know I need to do, feel better when it's done, but it's not always easy to do." I get it, but on the other side. The SO side. Sometimes I feel like it's kinda like the Twilight Zone over here. I'm thinking of starting a local group for us wives of SA. There is nothing here, and I feel alone and isolated much of the time because this whole thing has been our dirty little secret and no one knows. I do go to our CR group, but it's just not what I need and it's not specific to SA. I'm still praying about this.

Anyway, that's my long introduction. I am just copying and pasting it as my first journal entry too since I practically wrote a book. haha If my existance here makes my husband too uncomfortable then I will give this up too (I gave up a monday night group so he could go to his 12 step group) so he can feel comfortable because he needs this more than I do I guess. I'm learning that I need to be creative in getting help for myself. We have set our boundaries, and hopefully I haven't already broken them on my first post. Sorry love, if I have.
~Cassy~
AKA Wifeofchewy

[Life-lies-trust]

wifeofchewy,
Good to meet you even if it is in stressful time for us both. HUGS to you and you are not alone in the roller coster of emotions. Take care of yourself and your kids. Read the posts here and read some of the PA's post should enlighten you to some of the mind set of the PA/MB person.

[debv]

Welcome. I can't offer any words of wisdom, I'm in a very bad place right now, but I can say you are not alone and you came to a great place for support for yourself and your PA. I know exactly what you mean when you say you've asked for the whole truth several times and learned more and more each time. That's where I am, too. Now I feel like I'm continually waiting for yet another shoe to fall, even though my PA insists I know everything now. He's insisted that several times already, but I still don't have logical answers to all the questions I've asked, and I'm still expecting to hear more untold truths come out. I feel your pain on that one.

[Life-lies-trust]

Now I feel like I'm continually waiting for yet another shoe to fall, even though my PA insists I know everything now. He's insisted that several times already, but I still don't have logical answers to all the questions I've asked, and I'm still expecting to hear more untold truths come out. I feel your pain on that one.

Devb you put this so well. More information keeps coming out as he "I just remembered this" I'm not sure how much is true and how much is he did not want to tell me. So your post is the same for several of us SO's.

[wifeofchewy]

Last night I realized something. I realized that as hard as my H is trying to fight P, I am trying my hardest to fight for him as well, fight for our family, and fight for our marriage. I really feel so strongly that it is my duty as a Christian wife to fight to the death for our marriage. I will not go down without kicking & screaming! I know that as long as he's doing all he needs to do and is truly fighting this SA, then I know God would want me to fight for us. So that's where I am today. Now, Don't get me wrong. It's not always peachy here. I am no Superwoman. I fight every single day with all these insecurities inside of me as a result from all of this SA, fighting with trust issues, fighting back old emotions and even new ones. But as long as he's working on his SA to his best ability, and I'm working on my issues as a result of the SA (and some issues that have nothing to do with his SA)... then eventually we'll make it though it all with the help of God. Today I am hopeful. I have to be because I love my husband and I want to spend my entire life loving him. I am not naive though. I know tomorrow may bring more sadness and heartache. But first let's focus on today. That's all I can handle for right now.

[Crisodian]

Cassy,
It's hard being an SO that walks with our H's on this journey because not only do we find ourselves in the roll of supporter, cheerleader (some days) and accountability partner, we also have to heal what PA has done to us and our emotional, mental and physical state as well.

Like you, I am walking this path with my H. Some days are really good. Other days? I still emotionally puke all over my H whether he deserves it or not. Pandora posted in one journal about "failing forward". Give it a read. It's well worth it. :)

Good luck to you both on your journey!
Peace,
~C~

[wifeofchewy]

I haven't posted in a couple of days. There has been a lot going on in my home and in my heart. I'll spare you all the details, but let's just say... my best friend finally came to me and told me she needs to go to rehab. We've been waiting for her to "hit bottom" and realize this, and get help... so she finally did. So now, we have 3 of her children staying with us (her 4th child is already at his Grandmother's house). I joked about being the Brady Bunch on FB but seriously, that's how it feels right now. haha So I have 3 kids, one with Autism... and now we have her 3 kids (one who has special needs as well). They have no one else, so it's just what we need to do. I'm extremely frustrated though that she wants help, and tried to go to rehab.. and they won't even see her for her initial evaluation until Feb 9th. Two freakin weeks to run off and use still?!?! I don't get it! So now we're in limbo waiting for her to make up her mind what she wants to do. We have her kids, they're wanting answers (mainly the 11 year old).. but I don't have many answers for them. She came by last night crying, handed me her debit card (she just got her income tax return and doesn't want to blow it basically), and then said she needed to go to bed and for me to pick her up in the morning. I've been kinda feeling like I've been jerked around for two days because she's still been with el creepo doing God knows what, while I have her kids. So this morning I am going over there to pick her up, make him leave for good (he's been saying he's gonna leave for 2 days now and knows she's going to rehab. He needs to go go rehab himself but refuses) and then try to figure out what next. I don't want her kids to see her coming down or shaking for another fix.. but I know she can't be alone either. Two freakin weeks!!!!!! Oooohh this makes my blood boil!!! I was told she could go to our local hospital and say she's suicidal, then they'll keep her for 7 days for her to detox. I'm not sure if she'll go along with that, but I'm going to do my best to convince her.

Enough of all that. With all of that going on, I haven't had much time to think about my H's PA. But I know he's been stressed out with all of this, and stress can definately be a trigger. He's got his group of guys he can call though when/if he's struggling (as well as 2 groups he attends weekly and then church on Sunday).. so I hope he utilizes them because I'm not much support at the moment. We still managed to have a little chat last night once all the kids went to bed and the house was finally quiet. I asked how things have been going for him, and we talked about a few of the posts we've read on here to encourage us. He enjoys coming to this site and reading as well as posting, which keeps his mind focused on his PA. But it's still new to him and hopefully he won't be bored with it soon like he gets with a lot of other things. It's good for him to be able to express himself, and it helps me to read what's going on with him. I'm sure I'll post again later once the kids go to bed and I have a better idea of what's going on with my friend. *sigh* Say a prayer for all of us.

[Crisodian]

Sending warm thoughts, big hugs, and prayers your way. You know, chocolate doesn't hurt either. :)

Have a cupcake. Or a brownie. Or cake. There's never a bad time for cake. (to quote my 4 year old..lol)

I'm sorry you guys are going through a rough patch right now. Why does it always seem life interupts when things are starting to improve? Happens to us my H and I ALL the time. I keep saying if I ever catch that Murphy (murphy's law) he and I are going out back for a "discussion". LOL

Keep your chin up. We're here if you need an ear. I am very glad to hear things are going well on the PA front even during tough times. That's big.

Peace,
~C~

[artguy34]

We still managed to have a little chat last night once all the kids went to bed and the house was finally quiet. I asked how things have been going for him, and we talked about a few of the posts we've read on here to encourage us. He enjoys coming to this site and reading as well as posting, which keeps his mind focused on his PA.

Wow, with all that is going on in your life, its amazing you're not losing control. That is a great thing that you and Chewy were able to find at least a couple of minutes to sit and chat about activities at TTF and PA in general. As a PA (And Crisodian's husband) it means everything to be able to talk to her in a civilized manner about PA and our recovery. Not just mine, but her's as well. Because as you can see, the SO's need recovery from this as well. You need to heal just as much as Chewy does. So please dont neglect yourself either. But it seems you both are on the right path.

Good Luck to you both, and god bless!

[wifeofchewy]

I don't know what my deal is. I've just been really emotional the last few days. I think the added stress could be a part of it, but I can't quite put my finger on what's bothering me. Vic has still been doing good, but I think a part of me is just waiting for that next relapse. Isn't that aweful for me to say? It's almost like I can feel it coming on each time and that's sort of the feeling I have in my gut. It's so tough though because I really want to be this wonderful supportive wife, and trust that he is doing what he needs to do and is finally be 100% honest with me... but each time it has burned me. Why am I feeling so pessamistic now? Why can't I just put my whole trust and faith in him? Maybe that's my problem. I've been trying to do that, and he is not the one I should be putting all of my trust and faith in.

With all that's been going on in my home, we haven't really had a chance to sit and be open about everything like we were. He's gone to a few meetings and hasn't uttered a word about what's going on with him. From the past, that usually is a bad sign that he has already relapsed or that he's struggling and getting ready to. I've read in his journal entries that he hasn't really had time to think of P.. but I just can't get this feeling out of the pit of my stomach. I just don't know what it is and it's bugging the hell out of me!!! I feel like a bad wife for even writing this, but I promised myself (and I told him) I'd be honest in my journal writings. I just want to get to a place where this isn't a daily struggle for both him & I. I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever get there though because even if he is sober for 4 or 5 years, it's still going to be a struggle for him I think and I'm still going to have some trust issues. God, I hope this just goes away. I hate P and what it has done to my husband, me, and our family. Maybe I'm just PMS'ing. Sorry guys if you're reading this. haha

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day!