The Rainbow Journal

[Rainbow]

I guess a good a name as any given the up down and sideways of emotions that we go through as SO's.

I thought I'd better stop hogging a thread in the 'welcome area'. The start of things can be found here Not Sure What To Do (I hope this link works lol)

As I said in that thread, yesterday morning I confronted my husband. He emailed me during the day at work to say that the idea that he needs to look at p**n to satisy himself is 'disgusting'. So if he feels that way, does that mean he can't accept that he's looking at it? or is it simple lying. I don't think it's the latter as I think it's far more complicated than that.

Last night things were very awkward between us. He looked really hurt when he picked me up from the train station and I felt awful for making him feel that way. He plays sports a couple of times a week so went to do that last night, and was a bit happier when he got back. The last commentor on the thread above, Jock, thank you for your comments. I hope that some of what's been said is registering in his mind somewhere and he's thinking about what I said.

Things feel awkward and even our usual exchange of emails during the day is very slow. He's a really laid back, happy go lucky type of person and is really not used to examining his faults as he always focuses on the positive. So I'm guessing that the quiet attitude, the tension, is because he's thinking about things. Well I hope that's the case anyway.

[debv]

Boy, that's a tough one, it could mean so many things. He could be opening up to you that he is disgusted by his addiction. He could be denying his addiction altogether by implying that he does not need to look at P for satisfaction, that he just does it because he's a man and all men do it. Or he could be denying looking at P at all, which seems silly since he knows you caught him on his phone, but trust me, what I've learned from my PA is to expect lies upon lies upon lies. I have no idea what the truth is anymore, nor do I expect to hear the truth from him.

Right now you don't need to browbeat him into admitting his P addiction. He's going to have to come to that conclusion himself. What you do need to do is continue to let him know that you will not tolerate P use and that he needs to turn to you for satisfaction. If he doesn't, you may need to give him an ultimatum. I was lucky, DudeWaffle (my PA) admitted to his PA almost immediately, this time when I suspected and challenged him. Last time I caught him, he lied to my face, said it was the only time and he was just curious, and he wouldn't do it again. That was 10 years ago, 4 years into his 14-year porn abuse (even the specialist he saw this week isn't sure whether it's an addiction).

[Rainbow]

The thing is I never admitted to the snooping, but I know he knows I know ...make sense??? ....however I've noticed that there's been nothing on his phone for over a week and a half, he hasn't cleared the history even.

At the same time I've been making an effort to try new things between us to make him realise that as his wife, he can do things with me rather than fantasise about things that don't exist. And he's even said that a lot of the ideas he had before marriage have gone out of the window. The background to this being that neither of us had sex before marriage because of our religious beliefs. So in that sense, neither one of us is experienced and so I think that perhaps if I take the initiative to spice things up, maybe that will make him think twice about looking at that filth. Maybe that's not right and maybe it is...I'm not too sure. There are days when I don't even want him to touch me, and others where I want the closeness.

Maybe I just don't understand the addict's mindset?

It's interesting Debv that DW's specialist wasn't sure if it was an addiction. My husband and I have had interesting discussions about addictive personalities and he feels he doesn't have one.

[Life-lies-trust]

Rainbow,
I have been where you are at. I hope for the best for you and your husband. I tried the idea that you have but in my case it went no where his P/MB to him was much better. I really hope this all works out for you two.

[debv]

DW said his counselor said he thought it was addiction all along, he just wanted DW to attend the meeting and read the book so DW would be convinced it was an addiciton. I don't get that at all. It's very confusing to me. But, apparently, DW is an addict. I don't know whether to be relieved or not.

[Life-lies-trust]

But, apparently, DW is an addict. I don't know whether to be relieved or not.

That is an understatement of the feelings. I understand the should I be happy it is an addiction or pissed off by the lies and secrets. I have also found this so confusing. Not an easy analyical problem to solve. I hope you are doing ok. I feel that we SO's have to be careful not to loose ourselves. Good thoughts, hugs, chocolate, and prayers to you.

[Rainbow]

Thank you LLT...I hope so too. We've been married such a short time and I don't want this to become the defining issue of our marriage. I just keep praying that we'll be ok ... and for all of the other SOs on here....

Guess I was ignorant of the strength of this monster until I was faced with it.

I don't know if the idea will work, but I'm willing to try anyway for the sake of our marriage and because I do love him.

Debv - I don't know if the 'addict' label helps or not. I don't think it matters to be honest, it doesn't change hurt, anger, shame and humiliation that you feel.

Hugs to you both and thank you for reading

[FoolishMind]

Hi Rainbow, and sorry to hear about the position your in.

Debv - I don't know if the 'addict' label helps or not. I don't think it matters to be honest, it doesn't change hurt, anger, shame and humiliation that you feel.

I dont think the label of an addict does help really, its a label a describing words nothing more, nothing less.

Deep down your husband will know if he has a problem, but to being honest with yourself and acknowledge you have a real problem, means a very hard honest look inside yourself which is not always an easy thing to do.

I think the way you are thinking and trying different ways to support him is great, and like many SO's here, if it was for the PA, im sure you would have absolutley no qualms with your husband at all.

Key factors that I have personally experienced and observed via this site is at STAGE 1 (just coming to terms with PA in a relationship) The PA must be honest with themselves, and the SO has to also gain knowledge about PA, and understand their mindset.

From them on, you will see success grow through open communication with each other, dont expect trust, and dont even think about trust, but be honest. Sounds silly, but they are different.

You sound like a very strong woman though, and clearly will do anything to help get your husband to really open his eyes and help himself through this. So do really plough these forums and ask questions and you will find the advice you need to really pick this relationship up and take it to new heights!

I wish you both the best of strength.

FM

[Rainbow]

The weekend has been good. He was attentive and we spent a lot of quality time together and I couldn't see anything in the phone history. So I'm happy for the moment. I just can't help wondering if it's a false moment.

So I have to tell myself to be positive and enjoy this moment now...who knows what can happen tomorrow?

I hope everyone is ok

[Crisodian]

Rainbow,

I think one thing I have learned through all this is to take the good moments for what they are...good. There will be bad moments. Sometimes it feels like more bad moments than good moments. So, try to enjoy the good moments. And who knows? One day there may be more good moments then bad. And that, is a good thing. :)

Peace,
~C~