The Rainbow Journal

[Rainbow]

It's been some time since I last posted, although I've been reading other's posts regularly. A lot has happened in the last few months. There was a long period of time with no porn. Then a few deleted internet histories on the phone and I suspect a few slips.

Things came to a head this morning though when I saw that woman's number on his phone again. My husband was very angry with me for checking and we spoke about it briefly on the way to work and in more depth in emails. He is adamant that he did not contact her, she contacted him. He left the number on the phone to see if I would look at it and I did. And suddenly it's all turned around on me and become about how I don't trust him.

I tried to make him understand that he planted the insecurity right at the start of our marriage. We're coming up to a year married and just seeing her number had my hands shaking and my stomach churning all over again. He told me (after the event of course) that she is really ill, he has not contacted her since he promised me he wouldn't, she is the one that called him. There were 2 calls, one of a few seconds and one for several minutes. He says the first one he told her he couldn't talk and put the phone down. She called back and was crying. He gave me more details about her illness and honestly I didn't care. I sat at my computer shrugging through the tears. He said how many times can I hang up on her when she's crying and just wants to talk to someone, and I thought how many times are you going to watch me cry because of her? A year in and she's hovering in the background again.

I have promised I will not look at his phone. And he has agreed that if she does call again he will tell me. All I want is honesty. If she's just a friend and she's calling because she's ill and needs an ear now and again, be open about it. I have told him it makes me uncomfortable, I'm only human. But, I will try to accept it, provided I have his full honesty.

I feel like the stupid one for giving my heart to a man who has stamped all over it and left his dirty great boot marks all over it. I still love him. What an idiot I am.