The Rainbow Journal

[Twentythree]

i think that if you feel like this is something that you'll get over in a couple days, don't confront him. but if you're constantly suspicious (and sounds like he's given you EVERY reason to be) then you need to confront him about it. remember that HE made you like this, and that HE needs to accommodate you when you feel like this. it is his responsibility to be open with you and to show you that you can trust him again, not the other way around. just a thought - if its an iphone, x3 watch makes a browser (and you can disable safari) that is hooked up to the accountability sites if that's something you're interested in... but regardless, i think it's completely understandable that you're upset and doubtful of him, and you should by all means demand some answers. it would be unfair of him to be upset that you're checking up on him, when he has shown you that you obviously need to be cautious in trusting him.

[Rainbow]

There has been a lot of hugs from him over the last few days and lots of reassurance of how much he loves me. So I don't know if that's over compensation or signs that he's trying to overcome this thing.

I read your journal Twentythree and I see what you're saying about the levels of addiction. I know my husband has reduced his watching from sometimes 2-3 times a week when I first snooped, to sometimes once a week, or once every couple of weeks now. I guess that's why I'm dithering about whether or not to confront and start an argument. The fact is that we've never actually sat down and had a conversation where I say 'no more or else'...

He knows what he is doing is wrong or he wouldn't hide it. I've also told him that he's not a child and he knows what is or isn't acceptable in a marriage. He in turn has assured me that he will cut out his old ways.. meaning his pre-marriage ways. So I guess I just want to see how that goes.

[little_wife]

Hi Rainbow. :)
I was just wondering if you all really even need the iphone? You don't seem comfortable with it, and he finds it a temptation. Have you two discussed the possibility of living without it? Cell phones are available without internet. I realize there are benefits of having it, but sometimes peace of mind is more important. But anyways, that's just my 2 cents. Good luck to you.

[artguy34]

He knows what he is doing is wrong or he wouldn't hide it. I've also told him that he's not a child and he knows what is or isn't acceptable in a marriage. He in turn has assured me that he will cut out his old ways.. meaning his pre-marriage ways. So I guess I just want to see how that goes.

As much as I hate to say it, I think you need to draw that line in the sand. You need to let your H know that you will not tolerate his P use in your marriage. If there are no dire consequences, then there is no real deterrent for him to quit and stay clean. I speak from experience, when I would be confronted, I would vow to quit and in my heart I truly meant it. But when there was no threat of losing everything, my mind made excuses later on to justify viewing P again. My addiction won over my common sense and moral values. In fact, I even learned how to hide it better so I wouldn't be caught. (so I thought) But, it just made me spin further down deeper into my addiction until I truly almost lost everything.

(IMO) Even though you seem to have a decent handle on things, I would recommend laying down the ultimatum and then being prepared to stick by them. The best way to overcome this addiction is by healing one's self and to do that, one cannot make compromises with themselves.

But to play devils advocate, not all recoveries are the same. What works for some, may not work for others. So if this seems to work for you and your PA, then go with it.

Just be careful!

Good luck and God Bless!

[Rainbow]

Little Wife - the iphone is a feature in our home - we aaall have them, including myself. I don't think that that is going to be an option :).

I am working on not checking on his phone and trying to tune into my gut feeling. I think rather than setting myself targets about always checking up on him, or not checking for a few weeks, I will look as and when I feel the need. I think that may be easier said than done, but it is what I need to make this relationship work.

We had a long discussion in which we talked about a lot of things in respect of our future. I've made it very clear that certain things are unacceptable to me. Any repeat of the chatting will put our future in serious jeopardy and he was quick to reassure me that after that first incident when I caught him, he has not spoken to anyone. Most of me believes him; but there is always that seed of doubt.

The discussion was enlightening for me because he suggested also that I was holding back and was questioning our future together. It was good for me to face that thought, as I realised that in my heart I wasn't but some of my actions were saying different. And by doing that I was hurting him. Despite the problems and the hurt and anger he caused, I don't want to hurt him back.

So my contribution to this future is to give back some of the trust I've lost in him and try to put everything into making our future work; but also making sure that that is not in words alone. I have to show rather than tell that I mean what I say about wanting our marriage to work out. Particularly when I want his actions to show me that I'm justified in trusting him again.

I don't think that this will be easy. The doubts and whisperings are always ready to jump out at any moment I feel a little sad or down. But I need to do this for myself and for us. I pray that this will turn out to be the right thing for us to do.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Rainbow-

I am sorry you are going through a tough time. You seem very positive and focused on working on your marriage which is very good. Hopefully, your husband is as focused because sadly, your marriage can't work well if you are the only one focused on saving it.

I know it sucks to feel the need to constantly check up on your husband. But, this is the hand you've been dealt. Might I suggest that if your husband really wants to quit P, then he shouldn't mind the checking. He should encourage you to check as a way for you to regain trust in him. If he is serious about quitting, he, not you, should put the accountability software on the Iphone and computer and anywhere else you need it. If he is serious about giving up P, then he should welcome your love and support and give you open access to his phone, computer, and life. That's if he's serious. I don't think you think he is since you keep finding stuff and have doubts.

I think what artguy said has value. What is enough for you? I don't know if your husband has incentive to quit because he hasn't and nothing has happened to really affect him. Its sad that it usually takes something profoundly earthshaking to make the PA decide to quit, but it usually seems to. Or maybe you can live with him just looking sometimes. I don't know how, but some people are ok with that.

I wish you well and hope things get better for you. This is the Rainbow journal and rainbows are supposed to be happy. :)

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I forgot I wanted to comment on somthing you said:

"The discussion was enlightening for me because he suggested also that I was holding back and was questioning our future together. It was good for me to face that thought, as I realised that in my heart I wasn't but some of my actions were saying different. And by doing that I was hurting him."

I did the same thing. When I found out about my husband's P use several years ago, I didn't mean to, but I seriously questioned our future together. Even when I didn't consciously do it, I still acted like our future was in doubt and that did hurt our marriage. I realized recently that instead of holding all that inside, I should have spoken to him about it. I don't know if it would have made a difference, but if he knew how often I thought about "what happens if something else happens and this marriage ends", maybe he would have come clean sooner on his own.

It never helps to keep doubts and unhappiness to yourself. I hope you and your husband can continue to have open and honest discussions.

[Rainbow]

If he is serious about giving up P, then he should welcome your love and support and give you open access to his phone, computer, and life. That's if he's serious. I don't think you think he is since you keep finding stuff and have doubts.

When I caught him on the webcam and when I saw the porn he has always said that everything is open and I can always look when I feel I have the need to. Yet after the webcam incident I did a bit of snooping (I can't remember if I wrote about that here or in my intro) and he really didn't like it. So a case of trying reverse psychology! On top of this I've realised I don't like snooping... as they say curiosity killed the cat and the things I've found have hurt like the devil already...

On a positive note, I don't think he's watched anything in the last 6 weeks, I'm really frightened to put that in writing in case I jinx things but God willing it continues...

I did discover one last thing and that is that he remained in contact with the girl that he spoke over the webcam with. It turns out she is a really old friend, they had a 'thing' in the past. Both are now married and she often calls him when she's upset as she's unhappy in her marriage. I found this out as there were suddenly a lot of calls from a male friend that I know he does not speak to often, so he'd hidden her number. Why? he said he did not want me to be upset at finding her name on the phone... and this also explains the cleared call histories I was previously finding. I called him out on this, because he lied to me for months. If she is 'just a friend' why hide it this way and lie about it? I'm not possessive, I've never stopped him having female friends?

When I catch him at something his usual reaction is outrage and anger. This time he swore to me on our holy book (which is a very serious oath) that he would never cheat on me and that he had not done anything wrong. He was calm and there was no anger. That is how, somehow, I know he was telling me the truth. My husband is no good at lying, he is unable to keep things inside and is a poster boy for wearing his heart on his sleeve. So his reaction spoke far more than his actual words.

Initially after we discussed things I told him to add her name to his phone honestly and if she was just a friend it wouldn't matter and that I was ok with that. On thinking about it over a few days I decided that really I wasn't comfortable with it and he told me that in that case he would tell her not to contact him again. I was not happy with her obviously using my husband as her emotional support - that's something she should be working through with her own husband, whatever their difficulties are. I did not ask him because honestly I don't want to know, nor do I care. I checked last week and he tells me that he has heard no more from her. He asked me not to ask him again as his word should be enough. I don't know if it is enough for me anymore...and his comment made me laugh ... we will see.

We discussed everything and I have told him that if there is anything going on, or I even get a whiff of anything I will seriously reconsider our future together as I refuse to go through this again. He listened, I think he realises what he has been doing and I will just have to wait and see if this can work. I am not prepared to be second best anymore and I have reached the stage where I'm concentrating on myself. I have started working out again, eating better, I feel like I have to enjoy what we have now as I realise more than ever it can be taken away in the blink of an eye.

Things between the two of us have been good since we had our long discussion (again). He has been attentive, our intimate life has improved so much since (I think) he's not been watching the porn. We have spent a lot of quality time together, not really going out but just spending time together at home.

I don't know how long this will last as I seem to say good things on here and then something bad happens, so I pray that there is nothing more to come. And I pray that we all find some peace.

[Charly22]

I can so relate to the not wanting to brag about his progress, everytime we do, we get proven wrong. I think that is our gut telling us, it ain't over yet.

And I am so glad you told him that you did not like him talking with this other girl, even if it is just for emotional support. Dangerous ground to walk on. He should be focusing on YOUR emotional support. And not make himself available to any other woman in that way.

And that thing about the gut feeling.....its usually right...but...one thing I have found....when you get lied to, and wrapped up in the constant checking and worrying and suspicion...I found I could no longer trust my gut feeling. Sometimes, my gut feeling was wrong......but, my mom always told me to never ignore that gut feeling.

Hang in there.

Keep the lines of communication open.

[Rainbow]

Hi Charly, you're right and thank you... hope you're hanging in there too >:D<

The gut feeling does get off-track a little because suddenly everything makes you feel suspicious. I'm guessing that as time goes on I'll be able to tune in to the real gut feelings... the ones that told me something was wrong in the first place. For now there are times when I think, he's at home I bet he's doing X, Y, Z... and I get all worked up and upset yet when I do check I find nothing and I breathe a big sigh of relief #:-s... and then I promptly panic about getting complacent and not getting my hopes up :-<. Is it any wonder that I'm always exhausted at the moment lol