The Rainbow Journal

[Rainbow]

I think it may have been 2 weeks since I've seen anything on his phone.

Crisodian, I think this is a moment to enjoy...but you know that little nagging voice in the back of my mind thinks, well he he could have watched somewhere else. But I'm squashing that voice today. I'm going to just thank God for this moment in time. Perhaps despite his angry reaction he realised the hurt he was causing and is trying to combat this.

We had a stupid argument yesterday (not p related, just a normal couples argument). We ended up in different rooms of the house for a couple of hours and I was terrified that he might be driven to look at something. I can only say that I breathed a prayer of thanks when I saw nothing.

I think I will promise myself not to snoop again...another week's test if you like. Perhaps I need to extend a little trust and see how it goes.

[Crisodian]

Rainbow,
I'm glad to hear things are going well! Like you, I constantly still battle with the "how do I know he's not looking elsewhere" demon. That's still one of my big challenges. I don't snoop any more because I was becomming almost obsessive ...lol But the accountability software is there, and my H knows I could go look at any time, which helps keep him on the straight path. :)

Also like you, I used to fear the days that my H and I would have any kind of argument, even normal ones, as I feared they would trigger him and drive him right back to his fantasy world. It's taken time and patience (for both of us!) to get past that immediate, knee-jerk reaction on my part. I found nothing but time helped to settle those feelings down.

Sometimes the healing for us, as SOs, takes so much longer than the PAs because of the type of things we have to heal...broken trust, insecurity, etc. I'm glad to hear you are finding your way forward through this.

My H and I still have challenges. I still puke emotions on him some days. But it does get better with time.

Hang in there. Keep being strong for you.

Peace,
~C~

[Rainbow]

It has been three weeks since I've seen anything...and please God I hope this continues :D. The obsessive checking is being phased out and I've promised myself to just leave things alone now.

Since our argument (during which I confronted but didn't really - ie didn't admit to snooping) things have been much better between us. We have really been working on ourselves as a couple and on building our relationship. I think this has been the most important thing for us as although we spoke a lot before we were married, we never got that dating / romantic time together.

He is a lot softer with me and more demonstrative in his affection and I in turn am learning to be less judgmental and 'knee-jerk' in my reactions to things. Here's to the feeling lasting...any prayers are gratefully appreciatedo:-).

I can't tell you how much it has helped having somewhere like this forum to blurt out my feelings!

[artguy34]

Hi Rainbow,

I am Crisodian's Husband and I just wanted to chime in on your thread here. I know it has to be a burden for you to "police" your husband and be a snoop. My therapist had suggested that it would be best for SO's not to be the "police" for their PA's behavior because it takes an emotional toll. However in our case, my wife wanted to be active in my recovery. Furthermore, I do not have a problem with it because it does give me some accountability.

Because of the deception and lies, I had destroyed all trust. At least knowing that my wife has access to what I am doing on the computer does in a way validate that I am being true to my word. I encourage her to look at what I have been doing when she feels the necessity. Plus if it gives her some peace of mind, then that is worth it for me.

Hopefully you and your H can come to something similar of an understanding because it would help you more emotionally and be less of a burden on you.

(Just something to consider?)

[Rainbow]

So 2 days after my last entry I checked his phone, only to see that internet history AND call history had been cleared. To clarify, on the Iphone you cannot clear only certain calls or certain items of internet history, you have to do the whole lot. So I wondered what that was about? Did he look at something? did he call someone? or perhaps the other side of the argument goes, perhaps someone called him?

I left things, decided to be positive and just put things away in my mind. Yesterday after about a week and a half I checked the phone again and the same, cleared internet and call histories. I wonder if he is calling some kind of chat line, or one person, or perhaps someone is calling him?

Yet I don't have a gut feeling that anything is wrong; and I've learned over many years to pay attention to that gut feeling. It's what tipped me off the first time.

I have been better about not checking his phone obsessively. Where I used to check every day, I can go a week sometimes 2 without bothering to look. Because I don't feel as though anything is wrong...but then I see a cleared internet or call history and that makes me worry all over again.

Must be positive - no gut feeling that anything is wrong - a good sign :)
Very low laptop usage for the last 4 months, as in perhaps maybe only once or twice every couple of weeks where he used to be on the laptop all the time - another good sign :)
We are spending more quality time together, we had our first dinner party as a couple, with some friends that went really well - another good sign :).

Trying to count my blessings...but am I being a fool or fooled?:-<

[Rainbow]

So I was being fooled. I was wrong, he's been at it the whole time :(. Maybe not as frequently as before but still at it. The fact that his call history keeps being cleared along with the Internet history brings a whole new level of hurt and heartache...who's he been talking to?

I'm am an idiot.

[Crisodian]

Rainbow,
I'm so sorry. *hugs* There is nothing more devistating that finding out our PAs are still telling lies.

Remember, you are not an idiot. You are not a fool. This is his problem and it's not your fault you extended him some trust and he used and abused it. I often refer to it as "giving my H enough rope to hang himself with". Not a great thought, but now you know. Now you know he is still being untruthful and the trust you gave back to him was obviously a gift he didn't want or couldn't handle.

What has he said/done to show you he is really going to stop? Have you confronted him with your new knowledge?

Take care of you. The hurt and heart break that comes from the lies of PA is wicked to deal with. Try to remember, you are not alone. Most of us here had to discover our PA's pack of lies as well.

Peace,
~C~

[Rainbow]

Thanks for the support Crisodian :).

I suppose a good thing to come out of this is now he finally knows that I know he's watching that stuff. Of course he lied and said it was from a week or so ago, I know that that is not true.

I can't ever figure out if he's lying to protect me or us or what? He is always attentive, not distant as many SOs say their partners are. So is he going the opposite way and over compensating because he feels guilty?

He did acknowledge that he keeps hurting me and he will work really hard to stop doing all those things. But every time he apologises it's always 'i'm sorry IF'....what does he mean by if? There's no question about it! And then there's always an attempt to justify it...I'm a normal red blooded man, my friends sent me the link, bla bla bla... ~X(

[LearningPatience]

Rainbow,

I am sorry you are going through this. Our situations sound very similar and I see me in every post you write.

This is heart wrenching at times and it seems the hard part is trying to see how you "feel" about what he's saying. It's like you're going crazy at times! I can't seem to stop checking on him, because I'm not sure I even trust my gut when I don't have a feeling.

I'll pray for you as well as the other SO's.

BTW - Crisodian, thank you for your responses! It seems it can get better given time and the fact both parties are willing. I'm glad you're able to stick it out for the long haul. It's very encouraging :-)

[Rainbow]

Hi Learning Patience and thank you for your kind words.

You're absolutely right, it feels as though I AM going crazy some days because he seems to be normal, attentive, loving - he says and does all the right things and then I get blindsided by the times when I succumb to the temptation to check his phone and find something that makes me suspicious...

It's an awful feeling to feel that you can't trust the one you love, I don't really know why they do it to us.

After our last conversation about this I checked his phone on Thursday night and noted that he had cleared the internet history again. On Friday he cleared his call history so the first call on there was the standard one from me asking him to pick me up from the station.... his internet history had been cleared again.

I just don't know whether to confront him with this or what? Perhaps I should just keep my eyes and ears open and wait. I really don't know what to do...it's beginning to affect my work and there are nights when I don't want to be in the same bed as him as I don't want him to even touch me.